It was January the twentieth, 1941, at the "Kiss The Boys Goodbye" dance in Cardiff, and Captain Jack Harkness wasn't missing his woman.
His woman. That left a rather bitter taste in his mouth. Nancy was a brilliant girl, sure, and Jack liked her well enough, but these wartime flings were meant to be just that - flings. Short, whirlwind affairs that didn't really have any meaning. But now that she fancied herself in love with him, he really didn't want to break her heart if he d- …when he returned to America.
He had a bad feeling about tomorrow.
Truth be told, he'd been feeling strange for most of the evening, one that he'd managed to hide from all of his men. It wouldn't do if they knew that their captain was making himself sick with worry; it would only make them nervous, and he was determined that they would enjoy this last night of freedom before they returned to war. 'It's just a routine training exercise,' the thought came again, as if it would calm his nerves this time around, 'there's no reason to be nervous.' Captain Harper's words from earlier followed on its heels: "That's when they catch you, when you least expect it. You don't know what's ahead."
Captain James Harper was on Jack's mind a lot this evening. He couldn't even think about what song the band was playing right now, or about Nancy, or about the training mission tomorrow. All of his thoughts were occupied by that mysterious man.
There was something not quite right about the man, he thought as he watched the other captain from his vantage point across the dance hall. It wasn't his friendship with the pretty Japanese woman, Miss Sato - Jack didn't hold anything against the Japanese in particular, and she was supposed to be a British spy anyway, so he was glad to come to her rescue when Audrey started to harass her. It wasn't his vague answers and deflecting remarks; some people were very private, and that was okay. It wasn't even that he flirted with every person in the room, although that was strange and a little bit awkward. There was just something off, something Jack couldn't put his finger on.
It bothered him, not being able to figure this man out. He prided himself on being fairly good at reading people; it was a good quality in a leader, knowing people well, whether to predict their next move or to say the right thing to keep their spirits up. He was mostly bothered by how easily Harper had done just that to Jack, known exactly the right thing to say. Without having to be told when, or even how, the other captain had found the heart of all Jack's insecurities, brought them to the surface, and helped Jack to face them. Harper knew how scared Jack was - of letting his men down, of dying in a foreign land - and he didn't blame him. Harper didn't look down on him, or call him a coward. Harper understood all of his fears: he had a soldier's eyes, ones that had seen pain and suffering and death on a massive scale... but somehow, his pain went deeper than any other soldier Jack had met. And that was more than a little bit scary.
"A captain has to keep his head," Jack had told Harper, and that would always be true, no matter how scared he was.
"A captain needs to explain risks, tell his men what to expect." The reply had come so fast, like it was part of a script or something, and it was so comforting to have someone who knew what to say that Jack found himself spelling out all of his nightmares without even realizing.
"So what do I do? Tell 'em I saw a young boy get shot in the eyes mid-flight?"
Harper had remained calm, attempting to placate him. "I understand."
"Do you? Did you hear him on the radio, yelling for his mom, while the Messerschmitts shot him blew his plane apart?" And hadn't that been the worst day of his life. Joannes was only a kid, he hadn't even lived and - "All I can hear on the radio - "
" - is screams. I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend; we got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him because he was weaker." His calm facade couldn't hide his despair completely; this was an old memory, deep with pain and regret, and Jack could hear it. "They made me watch him die." On the word "die," Harper's voice hitched, and he took a moment to pull himself together. "And then they let me go," he finished, shoving his sorrow back inside and putting on a brave face for someone who needed it. He does understand, thought Jack. He probably understood better than any of them. There were shadows in his eyes that no one here could begin to comprehend.
But what on Earth could leave a mark on a man so indelibly?
The song changed, and he only barely noticed it.
"That certain night… the night we met… There was magic abroad in the air…" He looked over at Captain Harper and Miss Sato from across the room. They seemed to be in their own little sanctuary: a quite moment between two people who had seen far too much, offering each other comfort… seen way too much… Harper glanced at him, and even from across the room, Jack could see that it was a look full of soul-shattering sadness.
And then it hit him. Why Captain Harper had set him off so earlier, why he seemed different from all the other soldiers. It was his eyes: they had seen way too much. He knew things that no one should ever know, things that made his eyes look so much older than his face. He knew a secret that no other human being on this Earth did, the secret of... the secret of life and death and what the words "oblivion" and "alone" really meant... Jack felt tears pricking his eyes as the breath rushed out of him in a harsh sigh. Oh. Oh.
"There were angels dancing at the Ritz…"
Jack had been raised as a Christian. That didn't stop the war from bleeding out every ounce of religion in him. God couldn't exist, not when there were people in this world committing the worst crimes imaginable and going unpunished for it. And even if there were a God, Jack didn't want to believe in Him, not if He let it happen. But he was beginning to doubt all of his cynicism and his despair, because now... now he knew the truth about Captain James Harper.
"And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square…"
He made his way across the hall over to Captain Harper's table, his steps slow with a crushing epiphany.
"I may be right, I may be wrong…"
So many little things suddenly clicked into place. All of his strange remarks: "Let's just say the enemy comes in many guises." "They were the worst possible creatures you can imagine." "I just think you should live every night like it's your last... You're alive - right here, right now." The way Jack opened up to him - he would never have confessed his fears to anyone, not to his men or Nancy or even his mother, and definitely not to a total stranger. The way he made Jack feel: connected to another living thing in a way he had never felt before, comforted and warm and safe.
He reached the table where Captain Harper and Miss Sato sat, holding hands and looking so, so out of place. Harper looked at him, and Jack wanted very much to burst into tears. Hee took Harper's hand and led him to the dance floor, marveling at his own actions. Harper didn't object, didn't look at him as if he were mad, but returned the gesture tenfold, pulling Jack close with his free hand and simply holding him close. The two men danced, circling slowly to the song. It didn't feel nearly as strange as it should have, Jack thought to himself. He was dancing with a man - in front of his squad, no less, who, somewhat ridiculously, considered him a paragon of manliness - and everyone was staring at them in shock and awe and a little bit of revulsion; by all rights, he should have melted into a puddle on the floor out of embarrassment.
Jack ignored them all, and let himself be comforted. Without words, he poured out all of his hopes and fears, clutching the other man. Harper pulled back a little, looked into Jack's eyes. Jack could see so much love there; love (for me, he thought incredulously) and age and fury and a sorrow deeper than anyone should know. Harper cradled his face so tenderly, and leaned in -
BOOM!
The room flooded with a beautiful, unearthly white light, and Jack thought he could hear music. Captain Harper's eyes darkened, even as unshed tears made them brighter. Distantly, Jack registered Miss Sato running straight towards the source of the light. "Jack, we need to get out!" she called back to them. Harper didn't move, and Jack couldn't think straight anymore, mind reeling with revelations about the nature of things and himself. Miss Sato tried again: "Jack, you have to! We need you!"
Harper inhaled, shakily, and said quietly, "I have to go." Jack nodded, not trusting himself to speak. His head hurt from all of his beliefs being turned upside down, almost as much as his heart did. "It's my duty," Harper said, then took a few steps back. He paused, as if making up his mind, before hurrying back to Jack and crushing his mouth in the best kiss he had ever had.
It was hot. Hot and wet and messy and passionate as hell. Had it been anyone else, in any other situation, Jack would have socked him across the face, but now he clung to Captain Harper and shared the despair, the grief, the anger, and the overwhelming, all-consuming love that they both felt. Jack poured his whole life into that kiss. Harper took it, and gave him his own. Jack drank in Harper's joy and burning hope, and a small secret. 'I shouldn't tell you this, but... Hitler doesn't win,' he heard in his head - in his head! - a voice so soft that it was almost inaudible. 'You do.' Jack couldn't stop himself from crying then, even as Harper stole the breath from his lungs and gave him back his hope. 'Oh Jack, I've seen the worst this universe has to offer, things you couldn't imagine... but never forget this: there is a world of justice and righteousness, and it's coming. And it's worth fighting for.' It was a gift, and he accepted it gladly. He grasped at it like a man dying of thirst, and he knew he would carry that secret, that gift, in his heart for the rest of his life.
I love you, Jack thought. And, because it felt right, though he wasn't sure why, he added I forgive you.
'...Thank you,' came the quiet reply.
They broke apart. Harper looked him in the eye one last time, and Jack saw through his tears that they were both lifted of a heavy burden, and even more sorrowful, somehow. Harper turned away, heading towards the light, before turning back, one more time, and for a single moment, there was only the two of them. Jack, ever the soldier, straightened to attention, saluting Captain James Harper - "To a fellow captain," Jack had said, smiling as they toasted, so long ago, before he knew that angels were real and that there was still good left in this world -
- and then he vanished.