Directors Commentary: I once said I'd never do a fic like this again...but I guess I lied to myself and to you folks, because here I am.
Here's an interesting look at how this story came about...I was having an conversation with a huge fan of mine called R110014(thanks for the summary BTW) who thought it would be hilarious to send me a link to a Kigo fan video on youtube. (You might not know it but I'm not the biggest Kigo supporter.) Anyway as I'm having a good laugh at first, Ron pops on the screen and is lip synching a line from a movie that goes along the lines of "I've loved her for most of my life"
For some reason this one line tapped into an emotional reserve in my soul that I had to usually force myself to get into (For my story Something to live and for and Kim and Ron's breakup in Through the Years I had to listen to tons of sad music) My chain of thoughts goes as follows
"Ah too bad Ron according to this video Kim's going to switch sides for no reason at all + It must suck to love someone and not have them love you back + Actually it must suck more loving someone who's no longer with you + Man the latest chapter of About a Ron really got lukewarm reviews + It must really suck losing someone you've cared about since you were young."
Needless to say I felt like the women in my family when they sit down to watch Ghost...it wouldn't have taken much to get me to shed a tear...and so this story was born for my unmanly angst.
So in conclusion I have to admit I was indirectly inspired by a Kigo video which is quite a shock...Reality is stranger than fiction as they say
I just wish I could bottle that feeling of angst, take a swig of it any time I needed pull some heartstrings in my stories...
I tried to do something different with this fic (seeing how my others are 95 percent dialogue) They say always go with your strengths but I'm trying to find a more well rounded way of story telling.
So Enjoy
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Ricky Harris saw strange people everyday and it was safe to say he was very much used to it. You couldn't help but see the weird, the queer, the off putting when you owned a store in the big city. Especially a store that was open eighteen hours of the day, and was the last thing you saw before hitting the bridge out of town.
After midnight, that's when the strange ones come out of the woodwork. They shuffled in and out of his store like ghosts. Some of them didn't even seem human; they were more like memories, like they had no presence anymore, echoes of something that used to be human… if that made any sense.
Ricky flicked on the radio when the bell over the door jingled and a freckle faced blond boy walked in. He took one step into the store and stopped, slowly scanning the store. It was practically empty except for Ricky behind the counter. The kid, well not really a kid, he might have been twenty-five or twenty-six, moved further into the store. His motions were like that of a sleep walker, awkward and slow. He oddly shambled down the aisles towards the refrigerated beverages in the back.
Ricky kept his gaze on the kid; you had to be cautious around these nutzos as his wife called them, because at any moment they just might freak out and go berserk. Even though this one was wearing what seemed to be a traditional business type suit, the fact that it was around thirty degrees outside didn't help his case at all.
The radio droned on. "Every breath you take, and every move you make. Every bond you break."
The kid grabbed a bottle of what looked like, from where Ricky was standing, a bottle of liquor. Blondie turned away from the fridges and made his way towards the counter, his business type shoes clicking across the tiles of the floor. He placed the large bottle of liquor next to the cash register.
Johnny Reb whiskey? Well at least the kid had some good taste.
Ricky looked up at the young man. His eyes were puffy and red, his face showed a mixture of sorrow and a strange calm. A calm accompanying a moment of intense grief, the kind of thing you saw at funerals, widows trying to keep strong, trying to maintain before the dam burst.
"Rough night?" Rickey commented.
The kid said nothing. Silence buzzed around the store, louder than the buzz of the florescent lights above them, it buzzed like a hornets nest… if that made any sense.
"That'll be eleven dollars." The kid handed him a ten and a fiver. Ricky quickly ran through the motions get him his change. Just as he was about to hand it over Ricky shivered.
"Hey," he chuckled, "you ever get that feeling like you're being watched?
Silence…
"You know, that paranoid feeling that you get when you think someone's watching over you but there's no one there?"
The blond kid grabbed the bottle with one hand and the change with another. He turned on his heels and headed towards the door. With another jingle of the bell, the door closed behind him.
Ricky sighed through his nostrils; that was a whole lot of liquor for a young kid like that. But the vibe he was getting from the young man was that he needed it.
That's why Ricky had a lot of sympathy for people who drank. Not the ones who do it for fun, but for those that did it to escape. They weren't drinking their way to happiness; they were drowning out the pain. Problem was, no matter how much you weighed it down, the pain would always resurface. And sometimes, it would resurface twice as strong as before.
Ricky took out a damp rag to wipe down the counter. He wasn't going to judge that young man; there were some pains that no one, no matter how strong they were, could endure.
He reached for the radio and turned the volume up. "Every step you take (Ill be watching you). Every step you take (Ill be watching you) every single day, every word you say. Every game you play, every night. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play---"
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Ron tipped the bottle in the air and let the fiery substance slide down his throat. It tasted awful, but he wasn't pouring it down his mouth for the taste, it gave him something he needed, strength. The strength to do what was necessary.
He strolled along the walkway of the bridge, as dozens of cars whizzed by no more than ten feet away from him.
City of millions of people, yet he never felt more alone.
He kept moving along when suddenly a flurry of slow flakes started coming down from the dark clouds in the sky. "Not much longer KP, not much longer."
Ronald Stoppable was in love.
In love with a person named Kimberly Anne Possible. A girl he known for had most of his life. The sound of her name was enough to send goosebumps through his brain. The thought of her filled him with air, enough air that he could probably float on water, which if true would ruin what he was planning to do.
Yeah, Ron Stoppable was in love. Unfortunately, he was in love with a woman who no longer existed in this world. She was deceased, departed, done for, expired, extinct, gone, inanimate, liquidated, passed away, perished.
Kim Possible, or the soon to have been, Kim Stoppable was gone. His parents, his friends, none of them could fill the void he now felt.
They never would he thought, nothing would ever fill that void.
He stumbled on an imaginary crack in the walkway but managed to keep his balance.
Ron Stoppable was in pain. He was stuck alone atop of a pillar of sorrow…… and the only way to get home was to jump.
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Ron stood at the edge and looked down at the murky darkness of the swift current of water flowing under the bridge.
He closed his eyes, she was there, floating and smiling, her green eyes illuminating the darkness. Once again, he tortured himself with snapshots of them from his memory. He saw them prancing around a playground with scabs on their elbows and skinned knees. He saw them as gawky preteens, with braces and textbooks with big words like trigonometry written on them. He saw her in her junior prom dress. He saw her falling asleep in his arms… when was that, three months ago? Two weeks ago? A minute ago?
He stopped thinking about her just enough to give respect to his parents and his friends. "I'm sorry," he said, as if they were all standing besides him. "I'm sorry." He took a step forward.
"That's a long way down son."
Ron turned towards the voice. A short, hump backed elderly woman stepped out of the darkness. She wore one of those large church hats with what looked like a garden of flower growing from it.
Snow flakes slowly collected in Ron's hair as he turned away and sighed. "Go away lady, there's nothing to see here."
"Well now that's not true, looks to me like you're about to do something drastic young man."
Ron turned back and got to see a little bit more of the old woman. The hat was so big; it covered half her face, casting a shadow over her eyes. The rest of her body was covered by a large, rumpled and wrinkled overcoat. Her small little granny hands carried a small bag, the kind of bag that department stores gave you when all you've brought was a bottle of lotion.
"Ma'am, the best thing you can do right now is to just pass by."
"Ayuh I know for shure that if I did that, my conscience will not let me sleep a wink tonight. Just the type of gal I am, when I see people needing help. I brush off my coat and go and help. It's just in my nature I reckon."
Ron stared back into the water. "Well Scarlet, I reckon that I don't need your salvation, because quite frankly my dear I just don't give a damn anymore."
"Oh Christ what makes you men so defensive, you're ready to bite my head off. Look, I didn't crawl out of a box full of crackers yesterday. I'm looking at ya and I think you need some help."
"Look lady," Ron said his voice cracking in the wind, "I don't need your help, I don't want your help, so just move on."
"Tell you what son, let's compromise. Instead of us pecking back and forth like a couple of hens on the prowl, you tell me your story. I'll stand here and listen, and when you're done, I'll be on my merry way and you can get set to do what you've set your mind on doing."
Ron chuckled. "You want to hear my story?"
"I don't expect no medal for it."
"Why do you think I have a story?"
"Everybody who's lived life has a story, 'specially those who're trying to end said life."
Ron ran his hands through his frosty hair, the flakes transferred to his hand where they melted from its warmth. "I give you the crib notes, you go away?"
"If I'm lying, I'm dying, as my grandbabies say."
"Yeah," Ron sniffed. "I was… I'm still in love with this girl. I mean real love, the kind of love that you see in the movies with a soft melody playing in the background. A fairy tale love that some people say doesn't really exist. But it does, God it really does."
"She, love you back?"
"Yeah, she did." Ron looked down at the really pale empty space on the ring finger of his right hand. "Last year, I gave her this ring; it wasn't an engagement ring or anything definite like that. It was more like a promise you know… I gave her the ring and her eyes, her eyes sparkled like jewels. Then she just broke down and started crying… which was amazing since she was so strong. I've yet to meet anyone stronger in my life."
Ron smiled not at the old woman but at something else in his far off gaze. "I said 'it's not like you to break KP'. KP was my nickname for her 'You're practically a superhero, how many times have you seen a super hero cry?' She looks up at me, her tears subsiding. 'That's why' she says 'I'm not a superhero….its one of the things I love about you Ron… you remind… you always remind me who I really am."
Ron licked his chapped lips. "A few months ago, she gave me a ring of my own, the words "You remind me" were engraved in it."
"What happened to the ring?"
Ron was taken aback for a moment. "You got good eyes granny… I threw it away… I couldn't even stand to look at it, I couldn't deal. I still can't."
"Well son, there might be a chance for you to get back together, even a small chance is a good enough reason to live….."
"She's dead!" Ron interjected. "It's not like a breakup, where you know the person you love is still is still out there, walking, talking, breathing, being happy even if she's not being happy with you… no this is different… she's… gone forever and I'm still here," his voice lowered. "There's something wrong about that."
"Tell me a little about her."
Ron scoffed. "Come on."
"Hey now, don't forget we've got a deal. If you want me out of your hair, you're better get to flapping those gums."
"Alright, don't get your adult diapers in bunch lady." He wiped away the ice crystals that collected on his forehead. He once again stared into a far off place. "What can I say about her? Best thing to every happen to me… ever….." He smiled. "Sometimes, she'd wake me up in the morning with a light kiss on that space between the right cheek and the lips, best part of waking up… that would always make my day. Sometimes at night I'd just watch her sleep….yea I know it's creepy…but I would, she'd look so natural just resting there….peaceful…..beautiful" he stopped talking
"You knew this gal long?"
"For most of my natural life, I always knew we had a deep connection when we were little, but I didn't know how deep a connection it was until we got older. Then it wasn't enough just to be around her… I had to be with her completely, physically, mentally."
"What was her name?"
"Kim Possible" He felt a tug in his heart just by saying her name "She could do anything, and sometimes, she made me feel like I could too. Pick up an eighteen wheeler, stop an asteroid with my bare hands….if she asked for my help I would have done it." He laughed. "Ron' she says to me one day 'I think you should go for that internship at Bueno Nacho Corp' 'I'm not for right for that job, guys like me have no business there' I told her. She looks at me sternly 'look Ron, if you put your mind to it, I know you can do any job you want' I laughed, seriously I laughed, it was the corniest thing I ever heard, it was straight out of a cheesy movie. She got pissed and I had to apologize……God knows how much patience she had. She needed that patience to deal with me. 'I told her fine, I'll do it, just don't expect too much'………… And you know what?" He loosened the tie around his neck.
"What?"
He ripped the tie off himself. "I got two promotions in two years."
"Congratulations."
"But what's the point," he cried. He threw the tie over the edge and it gently floated down into the darkness. "What's the point of it all? What's the point of having the job she helped me get, if she's not there to enjoy it with me, huh?" He reached into his pocket and produced his wallet. He opened the wallet and watched his credit cards follow the tie into the abyss. "What's the point of having all of these things with out her?"
He let the wallet drop and turned to the elderly woman. "Tell me; what is the point of my success, without her being here? Tell me…." The old woman was silent. "TELL ME!" he screamed as ropes of spit shot from his mouth.
She once again answered him with silence"Yeah," he huffed and wiped the spittle from his lips with his sleeve. "That's what I thought…." He returned his attention to the edge. His voice was now strained and hoarse. "I spent days waiting, waiting for reason to return to my life. Asking God to show me that it was just a dream, but it's not… it's not a dream cuz you can wake up in the morning embracing an empty space in your bed. You see her smile in every happy face...You smell her perfume on every turn of the wind. And you soon realize that you just… can't… do it… anymore…."
"How'd she die?"
"It doesn't matter, she's dead!" He screamed. "She's dead… I was there… she was dying in my arms and I couldn't say a word… I just stared at her…" Ron's body began to tremble "like I couldn't believe… I just couldn't believe… her of all people… Kim Possible dead!" Ron glanced back at the dark waves and took half a step forward.
"It doesn't have to be like this."
"Yes it does… there's… nothing left for me, don't you understand?"
"You're still in shock."
"Shock? I'm past shock… I'm past feeling in general… except for the pain, that's the only thing I still feel, and there's only one way to stop it!" He paused for a moment, his voice sounded like someone else's, far from his own, like a stranger's.
"Yes, the pain is still there boy it might be there forever… I knows it, who's that pretty young thing on that TV show that used to be on…. pals, amigos..."
"Friends?" Ron said perplexed by the strange turn the conversation had taken.
"Yes, that's the one, and who's the main gal there… the pretty one."
"Jennifer Aniston?"
"Yes, that gal."
Ron smirked. "Kim loved that stupid show."
"That Miss Aniston, she's a smart gal… I heard her on the TV say that 'the greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.' And that's the god honest truth; the pain you have now is just proof on how much you love her."
"So what?"
"So why throw that away? Why throw away all the emotions you felt, why throw away all the memories you have… Hell it takes more courage to live than to di"
"Shut up! …..I don't want to hear any of your pop philosophy… just shut up and leave me alone."
"Whatcha doin now is no remedy for pain."
"It is to me! They say in life you need three things… something to do, something to look forward to and someone to love… without Kim I've got none of that!"
"I understand," she said solemnly, "but this is not the way."
Ron shook his head. "No you don't… you couldn't possibly understand."
"I understand more than you realize."
"Like hell you do!" Ron came off the edge. "You don't #$&&ing understand how I feel! You want me to live on, live on and do what…….forget her? Forget that we were a team? Forget how much she meant to me? Because you're asking for a helluva alot"
"You don't need to forget."
"I don't need to live like this," he cried. "I don't… I can't… I refuse to live like this." Ron's shouting was a mixture of love and rage, both in equal quantity shredding the quiet of the night and echoing off the many cars that rushed by, ignoring them both.
"Listen….."
"No, you listen to me!" Ron roughly grabbed the old woman by the collar with his shaking hands. "You just had me spill my guts for no….." he stopped when the old woman's hat fell off her head.
She stood motionless holding Ron's eyes with her own, locking them until he gasped and took a step back, his eyes wide, his face plastered with light snow and perspiration.
Those eyes, she had the same eyes. The same eyes he had seen glitter when he had given Kim the ring. The same eyes he tried to catch during boring lectures back at high school. He loved seeing his reflection in those eyes when they were at their most intimate.
Those were her eyes.
The old woman bent down and picked her hat off the floor. She brushed a dark smudge of soil off of it before placing it back on her head.
"Wha…?" Ron whispered to himself.
"I understand," she repeated. "I understand being separated, from some one you love so much that you'd cross time, space and the very heavens just to see them again. I understand how much you miss her…I've felt the same pain you have" She sighed. "Let me ask you… is this what she wants?"
Ron gulped. "What?"
"The girl you love so much, is this what she wants for you, to throw your life away… or does she want you to live on, laugh as much as you breathe; and to love as long as you live… ask yourself that before you make any brash decisions." She looked down the walkway past Ron. "Well, that's it," she said, "its getting late. I did my part," she continued, "now it's up to you. We made a deal, I gave my word, I said I'd hear your story and then leave. That's what I means to do." She seemed to collect herself. "You said your piece; I said mine, time for me to move on, get back to my grand babies."
Ron watched wordlessly as the old woman waddled past him. She stopped and looked over her shoulder. "You said it yourself, she was a patient woman. If she is that, and she loves you like you say, then I don't see why she would mind waiting for ya. If you really love someone, you'll wait as long as it takes for them. Thirty, forty, fifty years, I don't care. You'll wait for as long as it takes… I know that for shure…..well Goodbye boy"
With that she was off, leaving Ron alone again still wondering, obsessing over those eyes. He knew those eyes well at least he thought he did, he was positive they were Kim's eyes and yet… no, he shook it off, he had something to do, somewhere to go.
He stepped back up to the edge and looked down, He imagined what it would be like. He could feel it now, the wind swirling around him, guiding him home. The cold, dark water would be waiting, waiting patiently to envelop him with it's cold arms, then it'll carry him away. Hopefully, those cold arms would lead to the warm arms of an angel.
He closed his eyes and took a breath. She was there again, floating. Her eyes still shining but this time she wasn't smiling. "Why aren't you smiling KP?" He said aloud. "Come on Kim, smile for me… just let me see you smile." Water pooled under his closed eyelids, then slipped down the contours of cheeks as they fell into the dark abyss.
The realization came instantly, it came over him like a hot flash, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He wouldn't be able to do, it would be impossible for him. He was too much of a coward.
Ron strayed away from the edge and back onto the walkway. "I can't do it Kim, I'm sorry."
That was when noticed the old woman's bag on the ground. Senile old coot must have forgotten it… something glittering inside caught his eye. He reached in and snatched the object.
He held it in his hand, staring at like was something strange, alien. "No way," he muttered. He turned quickly in the direction the old woman had walked off. "Wait..." he said softly. "Wait!" he shouted it was more animalistic now, loud and guttural. "WAIT!"
The wind whipped at his face, the snow attacked his eyes, yet he could still see and what he saw was no one. No one as far as he could see, there was no way the old woman could have gotten to the other end of the bridge so quickly. No way.
He'd catch up to her, he had too. He willed his legs to move faster. He pushed himself until his lungs felt like they would burst.
"Where are you, WHERE ARE YOU?"
Suddenly his legs gave way, pulled from underneath him. He tripped and headed towards the ground face first. His body screamed with pain as he landed roughly on the ground and his face scraped across the ground.
He groaned for a brief moment, then panic seized him when he realized his hand was empty.
"Where is it… where is it?"
He lifted his head and caught sight of the object an arms length away; it seemed to glow in the snow, the light of the moon caught in the edges of the ring. He could read the engraving from there.
You remind me
His vision blurred; things went out of focus, he felt a bit dizzy. It didn't take him long to see it what wasn't his physical pain that was causing his eyes to blur. The fact was that he was crying. He was crying right there on the cold ground. The pain was still there, it burned… no, it drizzled through his body. It would always be there he realized, probably forever. There was no running from it.
He reached for the ring and picked it off the ground. His tears dripped off his face onto the snowy ground.
He stared at it again… God knows how much patience, she had. "Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer than I thought KP." He slipped the ring back onto his finger
A breeze suddenly blew over his body and a snowflake landed on space between his lips, a cool moist kiss from the breeze.
Ron Stoppable, a man who stood on a pillar of sorrow and regret. He would be there alone for a long time but tonight he's found that there might be a longer, harder, but safer way home.
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Ricky was surprised when he heard the jingle of the bell and saw the blond kid walk back into the store. He walked into the counter and dropped a jumbled mess of wet bills onto the counter. It looked like the change from earlier.
"I'd like a cup of coffee… please."
There was something different about the kid this time. He looked like he had just awoken up from a long sleep. "Sure thing," Ricky said. It took him about a minute to get the coffee. "Are you ok?" he asked as he handed the cup over.
"Hmmm?"
"Your face, it's all scratched up."
"I'm fine," Ron said. "Physically anyway…." he pointed to some candies behind the counter. "Are those spark rocks?"
"Yeah, they're back in production after about a ten years hiatus I'd say."
"Let me get a few of those." Ricky handed him a bag full of candies. "Keep the change," Ron told him.
"Thanks."
"I know……" Ron said suddenly
Ricky was confused. "Come again?"
"I know that feeling, like you're being watched, like someone's watching over you."
"Oh," Ricky said recalling their first meeting. "yeah."
Ron smiled briefly then he waved goodbye, and slowly but surely ambled out of the door.
What a nutzo! Ricky thought… Guy comes in and continues a conversation that had ended hours ago.
Ricky shook his head and he sang softly. "Every breath you take and every move you make. Every bond you break." He paused. "Can't get that damned song out of my head… oh well… Every step you take, I'll be watching you." He grabbed a broom and started to sweep up. It was almost closing time.
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Director's commentary: I have to say something about character death fics...I hate them...That being said you've just read one written by me...So take that for what it's worth.
CLICHED I KNOW
Looking past that, review if you liked the story (A bit melodramatic I know)...Really tell me what you think this fic is bit different from my others and feedback is something I crave if you don't know by now...(sings) If you don't know me by know, then you'll never, never, never, know me ooooooooo (end singing)
But more importantly Shameless self promotion warning
Let's talk about the Fannies I'd really like to get into the Best K/R and the Best one shot category. I've written a couple of one shots that I think should be nominated. So you K/R fans check out my other one shots and if you don't think I've done my best with those two then disregard my idiotic rantings...but if you dig em nominate em...thanks in advance