Forgiven, But Not Forgotten

Perspectives in Bold.

Okay because of 'bugging' by a certain individual here is the ShizNat oneshot I've been hiding. Also, I'm almost finished with chapter 4 of Bad Romance so it will be out within the next couple days. I'm not the best with angst, but here goes. Please read and review. Thank you!

Music: Don't You Forget About Me by Enrique Iglesias (Theme)

Disclaimer: I do not own Mai HiME.

Natsuki

I'm faced with enigmatic violet eyes. Somehow familiar, yet foreign. Somehow fearful, yet confident.

She tilts her head to the side. Possibly deciding how to approach me or whether to approach me at all. Her perfectly tanned and angular face focuses on the grave behind me.

The mysterious woman with stark-black hair strode past me towards a marble headstone, kneeling before it. She whispered unintelligible towards the grave. Perhaps this was some estranged family member paying respect, I thought to myself.

It's not like I ever bothered to ask about your family. I never even asked for your phone number.

She interrupts my musing with a loud and clear question.

"Did you leave the flowers?" The woman, who appeared to be in her early twenties asked in English.

"Yes." It was kind of embarrassing to admit. At least I wasn't blushing, although you would have enjoyed that. Maybe I should've acted like I didn't understand English.

"Do you always leave flowers?" She asked softly, her gaze fixed on the polished marble.

I answered casually, "I leave flowers whenever I have time. Its not really a big deal." I shrugged my shoulders for emphasis.

She didn't need to know that every time I visit you I always bring flowers. Damn! I can't believe I'm blushing in my head. Imaginary blushing. Wonderful!

The woman nodded, back facing me as she gave up her kneeling and simply sat on the grass. I don't know why, maybe because it felt safe enough to get emotional when it was just a stranger. Maybe because I was talking to someone else who cared enough to visit you on such a day. Whatever the reason I continued to share a part of myself with this woman.

"But… today… it's…its kind of special… Well special isn't really the right word…ugh… What I mean is that today…" I took a deep breath, not wanting to say it out loud, "She passed away five years ago today, so I had to… I wanted to bring flowers." I rubbed the back of my neck in an attempt to avoid blushing.

"It felt right to bring those flowers for her." They were the flowers that bound us together with the red string of Fate. Flowers that tied our lives together… until you severed that connection.

"Is that so." The unknown annoyance said. "Why these flowers?" She spoke hesitantly as if she didn't want to know the answer.

"They were special to her… to us." I added after a slight pause. Seriously, I am not telling a stranger my life story. At least not that story.

"I see." She whispered.

For some time neither of us moved. I was lost in the past, the small moments we shared. Every action I should have noticed, every word I should have said, and every lie that ripped us apart.

"I'm sorry for intruding upon your time here. And I'm sorry if I caused you any unnecessary… pain with my questions. Sorry." Her voice held a strange sincerity… almost as if she really did hurt me. She turned to leave.

"You say sorry to too much. Look the questions don't really bother me. Just brings up old memories. No harm done. 'Kay?" The woman with glossy, black hair stopped.

Silence reigned for a few minutes, and then she spoke once more, "May I ask you a personal question?"

Hmm… well whatever its not like I even know her or will ever see her again. I shrugged while saying "Go on?"

She paused as if contemplating asking her real question or making up something else.

So I helped the process, forcefully, "Just ask, dammit!"

She chuckled slightly, then collected herself and turned to face the stone. Damn this must be serious. With a somber tone she asked, "What was this person to you?"

"This person" huh? I could have said my friend, my first friend, my best friend, my tool, my only family… my first love. Nah. Especially that last one I think I'd faint if I said that. So I settled for what you are… what you were to me, "My most important person."

She averted her gaze to the grass, then back to the gravestone.

Dammit! Two tears rolled down my cheeks. I heard her inhale a deep breath before softly saying, "I'm sorry."

After an hour or so… I lost track of time. I sat on the well-manicured lawn behind your mysterious visitor. Staring at your grave and at nothing at all.

Even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't. Not today. If I were elsewhere, all I would be doing is thinking about being here with you.

So yeah, I skipped work today. You probably wouldn't approve. I lied, said I was sick. In my defense though, I would have been completely useless, especially in that meeting. And it's not like you can fight me over it.

Fighting you… not something I'd ever do again. I'd probably surrender. Sometimes I wonder if we never HiME, would it have changed how you felt about me? How I felt about you?

Geez, I think about the same damn things every year I come here. This is the five-year anniversary of your death. I hate that word anniversary it just sounds too happy to mark the day that you left this world.

"Do you regret knowing her?" That was blunt.

I don't even know this person. And that question is… heavy.

"I'm sorry. That was unclear." The foreigner paused, "What I mean is… You feel forced to come here every year. Wouldn't it have be better if you never knew her? Easier?"

Okay that was it. I was pissed and my words came out a bit harsher than intended… "FUCK NO! SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I COULD TRUST! Sure it wasn't easy…" My voice cracked. You didn't make it easy. "But I wasn't exactly perfect… and…" I was losing steam and tears were beginning to form, "Sorry." I said turning to look into the setting sun.

I continued, "I was a terrible friend to her and she gave me so much… More than she'll ever know." I paused, "I took all that she gave without second thought… And I couldn't even offer her my honesty."

Our past… sometimes I only see suffering in it. "But the both of us weren't honest." Talking too much, stop now, Natsuki. But I didn't stop, "Look… my life wasn't simple, but it isn't easy now. Life isn't supposed to be easy. Relationships that have any meaning, any true importance they take effort… But it doesn't mean we shouldn't experience them."

Silence reigns between us as I remember you. That teasing smile, that gentle voice... God I miss you.

"So to answer your question. I don't regret knowing her." I regret not learning more about you. And now I'll never have the chance.

An awkward silence filled the air around us.

After a few minutes I hear a car pull up. I stand up, but didn't bother looking. She quickly glanced over her shoulder, then back to the grave.

I was about to say something, but she interrupted, "Thank you for sharing such… personal feelings. I'm sure I have offended you. I'm…" She pushed off the grass maintaining eye contact with the marble.

The tight ponytail she wore slid from her shoulder down to her lower back as she turned her face towards me, meeting my emerald eyes with violet ones filled with remorse. "I'm sorry for any hurt I have unintentionally caused." It was a voice filled with anguish.

The strange woman began walking in the direction of the parked car. Before she left my hearing range she lifted her gaze to the blood-orange sky. "Fujino Shizuru was lucky to have known you… Kuga Natsuki." She said.

I watched the woman walk away with a graceful gait, albeit shoulders slouched in a way that suggested sadness.

I was deeply confused to say the least.

First of all, wasn't she American. Secondly, what a weird conversation. And lastly because I just realized it thinking about the second thing. She knew my name and the way she said it sounds so familiar. Now that I think about it, she kind of looks a bit like you. Except her face is a lot more angular than yours, not say that you were fat. No offense, I swear. I like your face… I liked you just the way you were.

I wonder who is she? I turned to face your grave, still thinking about the mysterious visitor.

"How did she know me, Shizuru?" Talking aloud to Shizuru didn't seem strange to me the five years before, but now I'm suddenly aware I'm talking to a gravestone. Not the person I desire to see everyday… just one more time.

"I miss you… Why did you… I miss you so much, Shizuru." Voice cracking as tears began to spill over, "Why did you leave me?"

"Why!" My knees give out and I kneel before your grave. I repeat the question again and again… I don't bother to brush away the tears. It would be the last time I'd cry for you.

"I'm sorry Shizuru. I promised didn't I." That familiar pain ripped through my chest. I could feel my heart tearing in half as I felt so many times before when I had to walk away from this place.

I couldn't really talk anymore. A thick lump formed in my throat and my vision blurred. I promised you last time… I promised I'd move on with my life. Try to find the happiness you always wanted for me.

To never return here again, to leave you here, to leave my love for you here. But it's so hard when it hurts so much. I suppose I still rely on you too much even though you're gone.

I reach down cradling one of those flowers, resisting the urge to crush it. To crush the pain you caused me during Carnival, the pain you caused me when you died, and the pain you caused me over the years. I forgive you for these things, but I won't forget them either.

I stumble away, vision clouded with tears, soft sobs coming through the hand covering my mouth. I want to vomit. I want to purge myself of this misery. Hopefully a ride against the wind will take all of this away… But it won't take the memories of you. Nothing ever does…

In the end… I forgive you, but I will never forget you. Goodbye, Shizuru.

The black-haired beauty sunk into the leather passenger seat, staring blankly out the window. Her companion noticed her trance and tried to pull her friend back into this world.

"So that was the girl, huh? The blue hair was a give away. Quite striking." No reaction. The driver tried again, "Though quite common looks, uglier than I imagined." Hook, line and sinker. Her passenger regarded her with complete attention, so she continued, "I thought you'd have better taste."

With narrowed eyes the girl with black hair replied, "I have excellent taste. That is precisely why I never pursued you."

"Ah!" The driver whined and continued with sarcastic enthusiasm, "Why don't you want me, Chikane-chan? Why do you play with my heart? Oh Chikane-chan!" She wailed, glad to have distracted her morose passenger as they drove away from the cemetery.

The woman with violet eyes punched the driver in the arm and raising her eyebrow, "Now you call me Chikane?"

"And what? Now you like the other name? Shi-chan?"