Resist. Resist. Resist.
It's taking everything that I have in me to not call you, to not email you…to not cheat and call one of your friends to figure out how you've been.
Why is this so hard? Why has no one before told me how difficult the breakup is? Oh. That's right. I guess I have been told; just never listened, I suppose. Who would have thought it would end like this? I loved you so much. I thought you loved me too. Or, at least, I thought you'd love me longer than you did. But you fell for her instead.
I don't know what hurts the most—the fact that I lost you, or the fact that I lost you to her. It would be so much easier if you were alone. I want you to be alone, forever, which is crazy considering just weeks ago, I loved you so much I told myself that even if I lost you, I'd want you to be happy. Now all I want for you is pain. I need you to feel the hurt that you've caused me.
It still hasn't really sunk in that I've lost you, Oliver. I just can't accept that there won't be any calls from you or any emails from you. I keep fantasying that you'll ring my doorbell, and I'll open the door for you, and you'll be standing there, flowers in your hands, ready to kiss me…
I suppose I should have known that we wouldn't last long. You liked me, of course you liked me, and you most definitely cared for me, and maybe there were moments when you loved me…but most of the time, I harbored feelings much deeper for you than the ones you had for me. You never did talk about me to your other friends, did you? And you only bought me holiday gifts because you'd heard from Miley that I'd already bought something for you. Come to think of it, you never once called me; I always called you, didn't I? And to top it off, how long did we date, Oliver? How long did we date, and not once did you so much as attempt to kiss me???
And now that it's over…I don't know how to feel. Numb, I guess. I miss you, but at the same time…am I better off? Can I find someone better? I feel like I'm just going to end up alone, and never find that special someone, and I'll grow old, unmarried, no kids, with a bunch of stupid cats…
It's just so hard to resist!!! I'm emotionless, I'm depressed, I feel so weak. My finger hovers over the talk button on the phone, while at the same time I've opened up your email. Resist! I chant to myself. Resist, resist, resist!
I inhale deeply, then exhale; my eyes are shut as I concentrate. After several long, silent moments, my eyes peel open, and slowly, with a tear rolling down my face, I close the email, unsaved. I let go of the phone in my hands. I must remember to resist. I must remember what is important.
I vowed to myself to not contact you. If you care, if you miss me, you'll contact me. The sad part is, you won't miss me. You won't contact me. You won't come back. You won't ever love me. Not again.
Will you?