The saga continues – but this one is full of lots and lots of angst – double hanky warning – although warms fuzzies at the end! Please have Kleenexes handy!
Thanks for all the great reviews – I am really trying to get back to all of you but I apologize if I miss you – Please know your comments are VERY appreciated (and have been responsible for keeping this series going!)
He turned over, sure he was just about done on that side. He heard a sigh beside him and got up enough energy to turn his head, just in time to see Sam stretch.
Okay – that had definitely been worth the effort, he decided. Watching Sam stretch while wearing a little teeny, tiny bikini was probably one of the best things on this, or any other planet.
"What Jack?" she asked, as she saw his intent stare.
"Nothin'", he grinned. "Just enjoying the view." He looked at her quite deliberately and he swore she blushed – although considering the fact that he'd seen her with much less (okay – not much less – you couldn't get too much less than that bikini) he didn't know why she was blushing.
"Oh you", she laughed, "You're such a –a -"
"Guy?"
"Yeah", she laughed again, "a guy."
He leaned over and kissed her lips – warm from the sun and slightly salty. "And you love it."
"Yes, okay, I admit it – I do."
He leaned back and smiled. Damn, honeymoons were glorious things! They'd been here for five days already and he was pretty sure he didn't ever want to go back to Washington. Nope, he was going to stay here for the rest of his life, living on the beach, swimming, lying around, making love. Yup, he was in paradise.
"Jack?" her voice floated slowly over him.
"Yeah", he answered, not opening his eyes.
"I'm hungry", she whined, as she began to draw circles on his bare chest.
He sighed – he was pretty sure there wasn't a moment in the day when his Sam wasn't hungry. He'd never seen a woman eat quite like her. Oh, he knew it was pregnancy – and fortunately she craved mostly fruits and vegetables – but still, she seemed to walk around with a perpetual carrot in her hand.
"I suppose you want me to go and get you something?" he asked.
"No, of course not", she replied. "But I do want you to come with me!"
He opened one eye and glared at her – but her cute pout got him every time. He really wondered that he hadn't noticed it all those years when she served under him. If he had there would have been absolutely no discipline whatsoever. He would have caved every time.
"Okay", he took a deep breath and pushed himself up. "Come on oh pregnant one." He reached his hand down and pulled her up. "Your wish is my command."
"Thank you Jack", she leaned forward and kissed him. "I do love you, you know."
"Yeah, but it's only because I bring you carrots!"
She laughed. "Yes – but I also love you for your body – which is what got me into craving carrots in the first place." She put her arm around him and they walked together to the little Cantina. Since they'd arrived the proprietor had taken to stocking raw vegetables, along with all the other goodies he usually kept for the guests.
It really had been a glorious week, thought Sam as they returned to their suite. They'd been given the honeymoon– the use of a private island in the Caribbean – as a gift from the President. It belonged to one of his major donors – and he couldn't use it or it would have created problems – but he did suggest that his friends would like it and – here they were – in a private villa with its own private swimming pool and beach. They didn't see anyone unless they rang – which they didn't do very often. It was so private that Jack had even convinced her to go skinny dipping. Something she'd never tried before – but which she'd quickly grown to love.
She hated the thought that it was coming to an end in a couple of days, but knew they both had to get back to work. In actual fact they really shouldn't have taken so much time off – but no one was about to complain to the President – and it was their honeymoon. So, here they were for a couple of more days and she was determined to enjoy it.
It had been such a beautiful wedding - even Jack had agreed that everything was perfect. Following the ceremony they'd spent time with their friends. There'd been a short dance but mostly they just talked and laughed and enjoyed being with those they loved. Jack was happier than she'd ever seen him and for once, didn't mind that anyone knew it.
They didn't have a lot of time on their own, but there was one point when they were by themselves for a brief moment. "So, you liked it?" she asked.
"Liked it? Woman – I loved it. You couldn't have done anything more wonderful." He leaned down slightly and kissed her. "It was amazing Sam – thank you."
"Actually you should thank Walter", she replied.
He laughed. "Okay – but as long as you don't expect me to kiss him."
"No, that's okay." She got serious. "I really am sorry for everything you know. I wanted to make it up to you."
He kissed her again, this time more gently. "You didn't have to make anything up to me Sam. I knew it was just a – a
"Moment of insanity?"
"Yeah, that", he smiled. "I knew it wouldn't last – and I still loved you you know, even when you were trying to force me to decide between puce and purple."
"I never made you choose between puce and purple Jack", she protested. "Puce? What the heck color is puce, anyway?"
"I don't really know but it sounds disgusting. By the way, why didn't you ever suggest peridot? It is my favorite color you know."
"I know Jack."
"Not yours?"
"No."
"Okay." He pulled her tightly into his side. "So, you didn't have to make anything up to me – but it was still wonderful. I'll never forget this you know."
"You'd better not!" she answered with a mock glare. "I plan to stay married to you for the rest of our lives – and you had better remember this faithfully every year."
"Yikes – are you going to be one of those women who get mad if her husband forgets his anniversary."
"Yup", she answered, although with a twinkle in her eye. She actually couldn't have cared less – she knew she would be happy with him no matter what.
The last two days of their honeymoon were even more special – maybe because they knew it was coming to an end and they'd have to return to real life soon. Oh well, thought Sam – they still had the baby to look forward to.
They settled into married life easily and happily. In many ways it was simply the continuation of their first months together (minus the bizarre wedding obsession), but even easier. They had gotten to know and understand each other a bit better and had begun to accommodate living with another person.
Of course, Sam knew that Jack had been married before, although it was something he never really spoke about. She'd lived for a short time with Pete, but didn't have the same experience of sharing a home with someone on an ongoing basis. There were times when she found it a bit difficult not having her own space, but for the most part it was great.
She did get to wondering about Sara though. It wasn't that she was jealous – she honestly knew she had nothing to be jealous about – it was just that she had no idea what role the woman played in Jack's life.
She remembered back to the one time she'd asked – just after Jack had received the second Ancient download. He'd shot her down rather quickly and she'd never dared to say anything again.
She'd caught him a few times starting to say something – when something would come up which made him want to reference his first wife – but he always stopped himself. It was often simple, innocuous stuff, like when she'd mentioned how good he was at making homemade soup.
"Sar – uh, someone taught me", he said, not looking at her." She'd known what he'd started to say, and really didn't mind, but it was obvious that he was uncomfortable talking about his ex-wife. There'd been a few other times and each time he'd stop himself. After a while it began to drive her crazy. She would much rather have him just mention the damn woman!
Finally she decided to bring it up, although she was nervous. For the most part Jack was great about things, but there were a few areas of his life where you just didn't go, and Sara seemed to be one of them.
They were sitting at home one evening, both reading quietly, when she decided to bring it up. She laid her book down carefully and looked at him. It took him a couple of minutes before he realized something was up. All it took was one look at her to know it was something serious.
Jack tried to think back – had he done something to tick her off? He couldn't remember doing anything lately, although you never knew with a pregnant woman. He then scolded himself for that thought. Since the wedding she'd been wonderful and hadn't shown any kind of irrational behavior at all. She'd just been his Sam.
"What?" he asked, trying to appear calm. He was really worried this was gonna be bad.
"Jack, can I ask you something?"
Great – words to strike terror in any man's soul – almost as bad as 'what are you thinking' or 'let's talk about it'. "Uh, sure, what is it?"
"Promise me you won't get mad?"
Aaaargh – words that were sure to mean he would be mad. What had she done? "I'll try not to", he suggested, but her frown made him change that. "Of course not – what is it."
"I was just wondering - "
"About?"
"About Sara", she said quickly. "You never mention her at all, in fact you avoid talking about her. Jack, I know she was part of your life for a long time, and I really don't mind you talking about her. In fact, I'd much rather you did than constantly try and choke back the words. I'm not going to get upset you know."
He blinked slowly, trying to figure out what she had just said. She wanted him to talk about Sara? His ex-wife? Okay, that was really not what he'd been expecting. He didn't even know how to reply.
"Jack – are you mad at me for bringing it up?"
"What? Mad? No, of course not. I just – I just –don't know what to say."
"Does it bother you?"
"Bother me?" God, he couldn't even get a coherent thought out. "No, it doesn't bother me – or at least, I don't think so. I guess I thought it might bother you is all."
"Well, if you talked about her all the time it might, but I really don't mind if you mention her. As I said, I know she was an important part of your life for a long time. I don't even know if you still see her." There, she'd brought it up again. Let's see how he responded this time.
"See her?" he repeated. She began to look at him strangely and he realized he had to pull himself together or she'd start to worry. "Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hide anything or not tell you. I guess, it's like I said, I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those things we should have discussed right away."
"Like babies", she smiled.
"Yeah", he grinned, "like babies. Anyway, you're right. I should tell you and not make a big deal of it – because it really isn't." At least he didn't think it was. He hoped Sam felt the same. "I see her occasionally", he said, "mostly just on – on Charlie's birthday and anniversary." He didn't need to explain which anniversary. "Other than that, I don't usually see her." He looked at his wife and knew she really needed him to tell her more. He sighed to himself – he really didn't want to do this – but knew it was important.
"Sara and I" he stopped and looked closely at Sam. She seemed okay. "Sara and I had a good marriage", he said softly, carefully. He wanted to be honest, but he didn't want to hurt or worry Sam. "I thought we'd be married forever", he went on. "I guess I was always kind of old fashioned that way. I believed that marriage was for good – probably my Catholic upbringing. We met while we were in university – she was the friend of my roommate's girlfriend. We started to double date and it just went on from there. After I graduated I went to the Academy and then, after I'd finished, we got married."
He stood up then and walked over to the window but after a minute returned and sat back down. Remembering these things was difficult for him, and brought back all sorts of memories. The problem was he didn't want Sam to think that he loved her any less, or that he was still in love with Sara, but he couldn't help the rush of sadness that washed over him when he thought of those early years.
"I was posted overseas for the first few years, and Sara came with me. We travelled around Europe and things were good. Then we found out she was pregnant." He stopped and swallowed, knowing this was the hard part. "We were – thrilled", he said softly. "We'd been trying for a couple of years and were starting to worry it wouldn't happen. Just afterward I was posted back to the States." He sat quietly for a few moments, remembering those times – the excitement, the anticipation, the joy. The problem was – he knew how it all ended.
"It's okay Jack", Sam said gently. "you don't have to go on."
"No, I want to – if you're okay?"
"I'm fine." She moved over and sat beside him, although she didn't touch him, knowing he needed some space.
"When Charlie came, it was the happiest moment of my life" he said. "He was so little, but so alert. I remember him staring up at me with those big eyes, and knew that he'd stolen my heart right then and there. Sara used to laugh at us. When I was home we were inseparable. Before he could even walk he'd follow me around on his hands and knees. Then – when he finally figured out how to walk there was no stopping him." He rubbed his hands through his hair.
"I hated when I had to go off on missions. For the first time I was afraid I'd get killed. It wasn't me I was worried about, it was leaving Charlie without a Dad and Sara without a husband. When I was captured in Iraq – that was the hardest part of the whole thing."
Sam sat there, practically holding her breath. She'd never seen Jack so open before – so willing to discuss his past life, and she knew that he'd forgotten she was there. She didn't want to do anything to break his mood, although she found listening to him painful because she too knew how it all ended.
"it was Sara, Sara and Charlie who saved my life after I got home. I was a mess, both physically and emotionally. They just – loved me and made me believe I was going to be okay."
She had to hold back the sob that started to rise in her throat. God, what this man had been through. It was a miracle he was as kind and generous as he was. He was also stronger than just about anyone she'd ever known.
"I decided to retire after that, but they convinced me to stay. I said I would as long as I didn't get any more overseas deployments. So, for the next couple of years I was home." He dropped his head in his hands and then straightened up. "It's the one thing I'm glad about, that I was able to be home with him those last couple of years."
The tears started to fall down her face, but she didn't move to stop them or to wipe them away. She didn't want to distract him, to make him aware of her presence. He was too caught up in his memories to notice her.
"The day he – I got home and Sara was waiting for me on the front step. She wanted to show me Charlie's school picture. I remember sitting beside her – thinking I was the luckiest man alive – when I heard a shot." He stopped, frozen, as if transported back to that horrible time. Sam sat there as frozen as he was.
"I knew – I knew as soon as I saw him. I'd been a soldier too many years not to know. But Sara screamed at me to pick him up, to get him to the hospital. I wrapped him in a blanket, all the while knowing that my son was gone. But I picked him up and held him, all the way to the hospital with Sara driving. I held him and rocked him, just like when he was a little boy, and I kept telling him to be alive, to open his eyes and smile at his Daddy. But I knew – I knew he was gone."
The tears fell into her mouth and down onto her shirt, but she didn't move. How had he survived? How did he go on with this always in his mind? Her heart began to bleed for him.
"I didn't want the doctors to take him" he went on. "Somehow I knew I'd never get him back if they took him, but Sara kept screaming at me and I finally let him go. I remember watching them wheel him away, thinking that that was the last time I'd see or feel my son. I think I died inside at that moment." He stopped. "I know I did."
"Jack", she whispered, desperately wanting to take away some of his pain. He didn't hear her – or if he did he ignored her, too lost in his memories.
"Later, when they came and told us, I remember just being numb. I'd already known but hadn't had the courage to tell Sara. She cried – a sound like someone dying – and collapsed. I couldn't help her – there was nothing I could do because it was all my fault. You see", he looked up at Sam, "I killed my son Sam. I killed him and I killed her love, all in the same day."
"Oh god Jack", she choked out. She reached for him but he stood up, unwilling and unable to accept her touch or her love.
"No, you don't understand Sam – I killed him. It was my fault and I'll never forgive myself for that."
She stood too, knowing that now was the most important moment in their life together. Now, more than ever, she had to show her love to this man – to prove that she loved him, but more importantly, that he truly deserved to be love. If she couldn't – then they were lost and this would never last.
She approached him slowly and gently reached up and took his face in her hands and made him face her. He closed his eyes, in grief and shame and guilt.
"No my love", she said calmly, "open your eyes and look at me." After a second, when she stroked his forehead and repeated his name, he opened them and did look down at her. "I will never truly know the pain you have in you over the loss of your son. I can never imagine what that is like and what you must go through. But I do know something – I do know you are an honorable man – a loving man – a caring man – and that what happened was a horrible, terrible accident. I know you will probably never totally forgive yourself, but you have to believe that those of us who love you, do so because you deserve to be loved. We all know what you are like, inside, and we know you are a good man Jack. You are a man who loved his wife and son and would have done anything for them. You never, ever would have hurt either of them intentionally. All that happened was you were human, and something bad happened – but you didn't mean for it to happen."
He continued to look at her but his eyes didn't change. They were still hard with guilt and despair. She had to find a way to get through to him. "Jack, did Charlie love you?" she asked.
He frowned slightly, not sure what she was asking.
"You said he followed you around and that you were inseparable is that right?"
He nodded, still not sure where she was going with this.
"So – he loved you?"
"Yes", he said, his voice rough and cracking.
"Was he a good kid?"
"The best", he answered.
"Then would he have loved someone unworthy of love? Or did his love mean nothing? Could he have loved you as completely as I know he did, if you were bad or hateful?"
"I – I don't know Sam", he cried. "How can I know? I killed him – he didn't know I was going to do that."
"Of course not – and he didn't die thinking you had killed him. It was an accident Jack. He got a hold of a gun and played with it. Don't tell me you had never taught him not to touch your gun."
"Of course", he answered, again pushing his hands through his hair. "But it was still my fault."
"It was a mistake – but he was the one who disobeyed you – he did what you told him not to do. Does that make him bad? Does that mean it was his fault that he died?"
"No, of course not", he said angrily, defending his son.
"So, he made a terrible mistake and paid a terrible – the ultimate – price – but it doesn't mean he was a bad person, and it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just makes you both human."
"But I killed him Sam", he cried again.
"And he loved you Jack – don't destroy the beauty of your love for him by being consumed by guilt. Remember him with love – remember how much you loved him and how much he loved you. Know that he's here", she touched his chest, "inside your heart. Believe that he's waiting for you to forgive yourself, to remember him with love and to let go of the guilt. He doesn't deserve that, and neither do you."
She watched as he continued to stand frozen – refusing to be comforted or to believe her words. He'd spent years trying to forget, but never to forgive himself. He looked at Sam and knew that she was his chance to again find peace, to find happiness and joy. It would always be tainted however, if he couldn't let go – couldn't begin to remember Charlie in joy, not sorrow.
She watched as something started to crack in her husband. She saw a glimmer of light, of hope enter into his eyes, but still waited. She knew it could go either way. Jack O'Neill was a complex and a tormented man, who had risen above so much, but still carried many demons in his soul. She stood there and prayed, like she never had in her life, that he would accept the peace that had been shown him.
She finally closed her eyes, unable to bear the pain and uncertainty in his any longer. She stood there and gave a silent entreaty to his son. 'Charlie, if you are there, please, please help your father', she said in her mind. 'He needs you so much – let him know you love him and that you forgive him. He needs you.' She repeated.
Suddenly, she heard a small sound and opened her eyes. Jack was looking at her in desperation. He'd finally broken, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. "Sam?" he begged. "Please – please – Sam?"
She moved up to him and put her arms around him and led him to the couch. She sat down with him and held him close, his head resting on her breast – and she rocked him, as she would her child.
He sobbed noisily, clutching her frantically and refusing to let her go. She cried with him, but continued to hold him and rock him. She murmured comforting sounds into his hair and gently kissed him.
They stayed like that for a long time, until his crying quieted. Still, he held on to her, refusing to release her or to look at her. Finally, long after her arms had grown numb and her back sore, she could feel him relax. Soon after she felt his breathing begin to slow and deepen and then he was asleep, the torrent of emotion exhausting him and letting him rest.
She carefully leaned back and moved them both so they were lying together on the couch, Jack sprawled half on top of her. But she didn't mind – she held him tenderly, lovingly, knowing he needed rest and he needed her love and her arms around him, comforting him.
She looked up then and whispered, "thank you Charlie" – and she too fell asleep.
At first he didn't know where he was or what had happened. All he knew was that he'd woken up, with Sam under him on the couch. He was going to move, figuring he was squashing her, when everything came rushing back.
He felt a wave of embarrassment and humiliation rush over him. What had he done? He'd just blubbered all over Sam! He went to move, to get up and get away, when her eyes opened and she looked at him.
He couldn't help but look at her, even though he really wanted to hide his head in shame. He waited to see her look of disgust or discomfort or embarrassment. Instead, she smiled softly and reached up and kissed him.
"I love you Jack", she said. "You're an amazing man and I'm so lucky."
Okay – he was having a breakdown or he was in an alternate universe. Hadn't he just made a fool of himself with this woman – and she was telling him he's amazing?
"Jack, are you okay?" she asked, a worried frown on her face.
"Uh", he practically gagged, his throat was so dry. He cleared it and started again. "I'm fine. I – I'm squishing you, I should move." Before he had a chance to get off of her she put her arms around his waist and held on for dear life.
"Not until you look at me and tell me how you are, really."
He lifted his eyebrows, surprised at her words but acknowledging that he owed her that much. He relaxed and took a deep breath and thought – okay – other than supremely humiliated, how are you feeling Jack?
Suddenly his eyes popped open and he looked at her in shock. He actually felt – good – tired, exhausted actually, totally drained, but – good. He pushed himself up, careful of her, and looked around. Everything began to come back to him. He looked at Sam in wonder. "Uh – I feel pretty good actually. I – that's the first time I've -." He stopped and closed his eyes, knowing he had to start again.
He moved away from Sam and then turned to face her. He then reached out and took her hands. "Thank you", he said. "I know that was probably terrible for you, and I'm sorry, but it – helped. More than anything ever has actually", he admitted. He was still embarrassed, but knew that somehow Sam had been able to reach him, to touch him, like no one ever had before.
"You don't have to apologize Jack – I'm honored that you shared your son with me. I know this isn't going to make things all better – I'm not that naïve – but I hope you know that you can always turn to me and you can always be honest with me. I know you carry a lot of pain in you Jack – and I can't take it away – but maybe, if you share it with me – I can sometimes help."
He smiled – and if it was a wobbly smile neither of them would ever admit it – and reached forward and kissed her. "I'd say I don't deserve you", he said softly, "but for the first time ever – you may have convinced me that maybe I do. I do know I love you though and I thank you – for giving me back my son."
She reached out with her hand and laid it gently on his cheek. He turned into it and kissed her palm. After a few minutes he grinned and stood up and held out his hand. "Come on woman – I'm hungry. Let's eat."
As they walked to the kitchen, Sam in the lead, Jack stopped briefly and also looked up. "I love you Son", he said, and felt himself forgiven.