Author's
Note: Yes, this is an incredibly stupid (On purpose) anti-Twilight
parody. So if you are absolutely in love with Twilight, don't read
it! That simple. =) Twilight Haters Unit! Oh, and obviously, I
don't own Twilight or anything like that.
Bella Meets the Family Bella looked over at her window from behind her covers. Edward Cullen, her vampire stalker, was sitting like a frog on the window ledge- staring at her with his creepy eyes that were a crazy shade of yellow for some really weird reason. Maybe he had a disease or something.
For the past 5 months, he had been staring at her every night. During the day, he would follow her everywhere. He was "protecting her", as Edward would say. "Stalking" was more like it- and she was pretty sure that THAT was illegal as far as Bella was concerned.
"Bella.... are you asleep yet...?" Edward questioned as his eyes pierced into Bella's mind.
"No, Edward."
"Just checking."
Bella sunk under her covers a little more to hide herself.
***** The next day, Bella awoke to find Edward perched at the end of her bed.
"Heeeeeeeeey Bella! I watched you sleep all night for the 150 day in a row- without sleep, too! Yaaaaaay for Edward!." He jumped up and down on Bella's bed repeatedly. Suddenly he grabbed Bella by the ankles and began dragging her down the steps with a loud thud each time she was pulled down a step. "Captain Crunch time, my love! You see, I love you sooo much that I even saved the Crunch Berry kind just for you! Because I love you!" Edward hugged the bloody mess at the bottom of the steps and plopped Bella in a chair.
The vampire quickly leaped on top of the table, grabbed the spoon, and shoved a spoonful of sugary deliciousness into Bella's mouth. Edward giggled. "I have no idea what Crunch Berries taste like, but I bet they don't taste as sweet as you, Bella! Because I love you! Heehee!"
"When will you get out of my house, you psycho stalker freak?" she replied solemnly.
"Glad you asked! Today, I thought we could go on a m a g i c a l excursion to meet mah family! Gweeeeee! It'll just be so much fun! Plus, we'll get to do it...... together. Because we'll always be together won't we, Bella? *Twitch Twitch*" Edward smooshed the side of his face into Bella's. "Let us go!"
" Noooooo......."
The sun was warm and bright in their pathetic little excuse of a city. It swept over the gloomy streets like golden honey, enveloping everything. As the duo reached the door step, Edward gasped in delight. "Gweeeeeee! Bella, lookie! The sun is shining, like me!" He held up one pale arm as it began "sparkling like diamonds" in the sun light.
"Aw, gay!" Bella cringed at the site of her "boyfriend" dancing in the sunlight while giggling in delight.
"Everything about me spahkles! Mah arm spahkles," he held up an arm."and mah leg spahkles," he held up his leg. "even my button nose spahkles! Gwee! I'm gonna be flying through the forest and people gonna be like, 'Wow! Look at that sparkler flying through the forest! Wait, that's not a sparkler, that's just Edward! Hi Edward!' And I'll be all like, hi little ant people! Lookit me spahkle and stuff!"
".......Creeper."
Edward grabbed Bella by the waist, threw her over his shoulder, and began leaping from roof-top to roof-top towards his mansion, which made Bella wonder why people who tried to remain hidden had bought such an obvious looking house that was right next to a McDonalds and a Wal-Greens.
After several hours of flying through the forest blindly, smacking into trees, and also several stops to let Bella throw up from motion sickness, they finally reached their destination. Edward burst through the door and stopped at the feet of a decent looking young man with pale-colored hair."
"Edward!" He exclaimed as he opened up his arms for a hug.
`"Carlisle!" Edward embraced the hug and turned towards Bella. "Carlisle, this is Bella! Bella, this is Carlisle- my daddy!"
"Edward, why is this...." he paused. "woman in my house?" He glared at Bella with his dark colorless eyes.
"Because I wuv her! And Bella wuvs me! And we will always love each other FOREVER!" He hugged Bella. "So where's Alice, Jasper, and the other people who's names I can't remember, daddy?"
Bella erupted into laughter. Seriously, who names their kid Jasper?!? "Edward, Jasper, and Alice? What is WRONG with you people?!?"
Carlisle sniffled and began pouting as he went to his emo corner, where people do emo-ish things obviously. "Well I didn't name them. I just decided to go and bite (among other things) small children for the fun of it."
"Ok, THAT"S not creepy at all." Bella noted.
"Did I mention they were dying?"
"Still, kinda pedophile-ish if you ask me."
"I have a wife."
"Ok....?"
Suddenly, a small girl appeared at the top of the stair case. She had dark hair and was wearing a light colored dress with makeup smeared all over her face.
"Alice!" Edward exclaimed.
"Edward!"
"Carlisle!"
"Daddy!"
"Alice!"
"Jasper!" (He was standing there the whole time! Silly Jasper and his ninja camouflage!)
"Edward!"
"Bella!"
"Wife!" (She was standing there all along too!" Silly whats-her-name!)
"Bella!"
"Bella?"
Bella had been driven insane by the vampire and his retarded family and had quickly made her escape out the door.
Bella Meets the Family Bella looked over at her window from behind her covers. Edward Cullen, her vampire stalker, was sitting like a frog on the window ledge- staring at her with his creepy eyes that were a crazy shade of yellow for some really weird reason. Maybe he had a disease or something.
For the past 5 months, he had been staring at her every night. During the day, he would follow her everywhere. He was "protecting her", as Edward would say. "Stalking" was more like it- and she was pretty sure that THAT was illegal as far as Bella was concerned.
"Bella.... are you asleep yet...?" Edward questioned as his eyes pierced into Bella's mind.
"No, Edward."
"Just checking."
Bella sunk under her covers a little more to hide herself.
***** The next day, Bella awoke to find Edward perched at the end of her bed.
"Heeeeeeeeey Bella! I watched you sleep all night for the 150 day in a row- without sleep, too! Yaaaaaay for Edward!." He jumped up and down on Bella's bed repeatedly. Suddenly he grabbed Bella by the ankles and began dragging her down the steps with a loud thud each time she was pulled down a step. "Captain Crunch time, my love! You see, I love you sooo much that I even saved the Crunch Berry kind just for you! Because I love you!" Edward hugged the bloody mess at the bottom of the steps and plopped Bella in a chair.
The vampire quickly leaped on top of the table, grabbed the spoon, and shoved a spoonful of sugary deliciousness into Bella's mouth. Edward giggled. "I have no idea what Crunch Berries taste like, but I bet they don't taste as sweet as you, Bella! Because I love you! Heehee!"
"When will you get out of my house, you psycho stalker freak?" she replied solemnly.
"Glad you asked! Today, I thought we could go on a m a g i c a l excursion to meet mah family! Gweeeeee! It'll just be so much fun! Plus, we'll get to do it...... together. Because we'll always be together won't we, Bella? *Twitch Twitch*" Edward smooshed the side of his face into Bella's. "Let us go!"
" Noooooo......."
The sun was warm and bright in their pathetic little excuse of a city. It swept over the gloomy streets like golden honey, enveloping everything. As the duo reached the door step, Edward gasped in delight. "Gweeeeeee! Bella, lookie! The sun is shining, like me!" He held up one pale arm as it began "sparkling like diamonds" in the sun light.
"Aw, gay!" Bella cringed at the site of her "boyfriend" dancing in the sunlight while giggling in delight.
"Everything about me spahkles! Mah arm spahkles," he held up an arm."and mah leg spahkles," he held up his leg. "even my button nose spahkles! Gwee! I'm gonna be flying through the forest and people gonna be like, 'Wow! Look at that sparkler flying through the forest! Wait, that's not a sparkler, that's just Edward! Hi Edward!' And I'll be all like, hi little ant people! Lookit me spahkle and stuff!"
".......Creeper."
Edward grabbed Bella by the waist, threw her over his shoulder, and began leaping from roof-top to roof-top towards his mansion, which made Bella wonder why people who tried to remain hidden had bought such an obvious looking house that was right next to a McDonalds and a Wal-Greens.
After several hours of flying through the forest blindly, smacking into trees, and also several stops to let Bella throw up from motion sickness, they finally reached their destination. Edward burst through the door and stopped at the feet of a decent looking young man with pale-colored hair."
"Edward!" He exclaimed as he opened up his arms for a hug.
`"Carlisle!" Edward embraced the hug and turned towards Bella. "Carlisle, this is Bella! Bella, this is Carlisle- my daddy!"
"Edward, why is this...." he paused. "woman in my house?" He glared at Bella with his dark colorless eyes.
"Because I wuv her! And Bella wuvs me! And we will always love each other FOREVER!" He hugged Bella. "So where's Alice, Jasper, and the other people who's names I can't remember, daddy?"
Bella erupted into laughter. Seriously, who names their kid Jasper?!? "Edward, Jasper, and Alice? What is WRONG with you people?!?"
Carlisle sniffled and began pouting as he went to his emo corner, where people do emo-ish things obviously. "Well I didn't name them. I just decided to go and bite (among other things) small children for the fun of it."
"Ok, THAT"S not creepy at all." Bella noted.
"Did I mention they were dying?"
"Still, kinda pedophile-ish if you ask me."
"I have a wife."
"Ok....?"
Suddenly, a small girl appeared at the top of the stair case. She had dark hair and was wearing a light colored dress with makeup smeared all over her face.
"Alice!" Edward exclaimed.
"Edward!"
"Carlisle!"
"Daddy!"
"Alice!"
"Jasper!" (He was standing there the whole time! Silly Jasper and his ninja camouflage!)
"Edward!"
"Bella!"
"Wife!" (She was standing there all along too!" Silly whats-her-name!)
"Bella!"
"Bella?"
Bella had been driven insane by the vampire and his retarded family and had quickly made her escape out the door.