Chapter 1 - Peter Griffin Buys Too Much Bacon

It all started late afternoon, when Chris and Meg came home fighting and arguing over lunch money and when Peter came home with a bonus paystub from work.

"Mom!" complained Meg, "Chris won't stop stealing money from me."

"But Meg," whined Chris, "The transgendered bully keeps stealing from me."

"Will you kids just shut the hell up, so I can explain something to you?" yelled Lois.

Chris and Meg chose to shut up.

"I can't go on giving a lot of money to you kids," said Lois, "Because your dad and I are still on a tight budget and your dad has not been working enough hours. So you kids need to pack your own lunches and bring them to school."

"But what if that bullying bitch steals away my lunch?" asked Chris.

"Chris," responded Lois, "You need to attend some counseling."

Peter jumped into the kitchen and disrupted the conversation.

"Guess what Lois," shouted Peter, "I got $500 bonus money from work. Heh heh heh heh!"

"It's about time, Peter," said Lois, "Because you need to go grocery shopping right away and those kids need to bring their own lunches to school, instead of lunch money."

"No problem, Lois," said Peter, "I'll do the shopping myself. At least, I got CapitalOne."

A viking appeared in the kitchen and announced, "What's in your Wallet?"

Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian sat around in the living room arguing over Wheat Thins.

"I can't believe that all we have left to eat in this house right now are those Wheathins," complained Brian.

"You're still not pronouncing it right, Brian," complained Stewie, "It's Wheat...Thins."

"Stewie, I haven't eaten all day, so I just want some fucking Wheathins."

"I'd give you some, if you just pronounce the words right."

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIMME SOME GODDAMN WHEATHINS!"

"Can I be in the commercial?" asked Peter.

"THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL, YOU FAT-ASS PIECE OF SHIT!" screamed Stewie.

"I forgot," said Peter, "We're actually in a TV show."

Later, Peter went to the grocery store and noticed some bacon on sale for 50% off.

"Holy crap!" shouted Peter, "Half off for bacon? Get the fuck outta town!"

"Yup," said a sales associate, "It's nearly expired bacon for 50% off!"

"I'll buy it all!" responded Peter, "Reminds me of the time when Kermit and Miss Piggy had to divorce."

***CUTAWAY GAG BEGINS***

Miss Piggy came home and noticed Kermit having a BLT and a 40-ounce beer for supper.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?" shouted Miss Piggy.

"It's a BLT," answered Kermit.

"B...L...T?" shouted Miss Piggy, "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M PACKING MY BAGS AND MOVING AWAY! WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE!"

"Why the fuck are you doing that?" complained Kermit, "Because I'm eating bacon?"

"Damn right you pig eater!" responded Miss Piggy.

"You know what?" complained Kermit, "I don't give a shit, because I hate fucking pigs like you, ya fatass bitch!"

"I'll have you neutered, once I get our divorce finalized," threatened Miss Piggy.

***CUTAWAY GAG ENDS***

Peter came to the check-out lane with a cart full of bacon, and the cashier was shocked.

"Are you really gonna eat the entire pig in a short amount of time?" asked the cashier. "Because all that bacon is gonna rot in a short period of time."

"Who knows?" responded Peter, "Life is just better with bacon."

The cashier scanned all the cheap bacon in the cart, and Peter was charged more than $500. Peter spent all his $500 bonus and his CapitalOne on the bacon.

Later, Peter came home and crammed all the bacon into the fridge and the freezer. A few minutes later, Lois came into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She was disgusted to see nothing but bacon.

"PETER!" shouted Lois, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU BUY BACON?"

"Because bacon is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Heh heh heh!" answered Peter.

"I want this bacon gone by tomorrow, and I want it replaced with real food," demanded Lois.

"Tell you what, Lois," explained Peter, "I will take you and the kids out to dinner at Red Robin, and we'll just talk it over. The dinners will all be on me."

"Alright, Peter," said Lois, "We'll all go out to dinner tonight, but I better see real food on the table in this house tomorrow night."

"Whatever Lois," said Peter, "It's a deal."