~Out of the Darkness~
Weekly BamDammmsters prompt: The song by Evanescence: Bring Me to Life
Just our way to get us through this dreaded hiatus.
I stayed in the back, sitting away from the group to just watch. As I observe the room and the occupants I come to the conclusion that it's really is exhausting to stay angry all the time. I let out a cleansing sigh. It was getting harder and harder to continue to dislike Andy. I watched him play with Nicole and his grandkids and envious of the fun they are having together. The sound of the children's laughter that reaches my ears makes me blink back tears. I see now Nicole is on the floor with her dad, they are playing with toy cars with the boys, accidentally or on purpose, they are pretending to be cops and robbers. Andy has caught the older boy Anthony and the plea deal agreed upon is the sentence will be paid in seconds of being tickled by his grandpa. It seemed the game has turned into who could get caught not get away anymore. As the laughter and giggling from both children and adults continue on the floor my eyes raise up to the woman sitting on the couch. She is smiling with her legs tucked up under her so they don't get run over anymore by the police car Andy was "driving." As she watches them, I watch the woman my ex has seem to connect with. I fully admit that Sharon Raydor completely confuses me.
Earlier on the phone, my daughter Nicole explained to me that her dad was bringing Sharon to the family BBQ at her house today and that I needed to stop trying to inferring with her dad's life. To just let things be, to stop holding a grudge over him. To stop trying to stir up trouble or try to cause problems where there isn't any. She went on to say that I needed to worry about myself and live out of the darkness of the past. I was appalled that my own daughter would talk to me that way. I was immediately ready to tell her that she couldn't talk to her mom that way and that I wasn't going, but she quickly continued her lecture to me about her dad. That he was happy and she was happy that they were getting to know each other again. Nicole finished off her speech with maybe I should stop being so hard on Andy and so standoffish when around the whole family.
Funny that it was the quiet of the room that brought my thoughts back. The sentence must have been served because he was out on parole from the tickle jail. As the squealing settled to a low gasping for air from too much laughing, I see Anthony causally as if he's known her all his eight years plop down on Sharon's lap. I instantly thought, oh that's it. She'll lose her cool now that he would just startle her like that and I was ready for the show. Instead, the woman just tucked her arms around him and brought him closer to her in a big bear hug, kissing him on the cheek that was rosy red from laughing. I'm utterly speechless, not that I was going to offer up any words if I could manage to talk but how can a woman that oozes elegance and upper-class status still fit right in with roughhousing and overheated sweaty boys. To hide some of my shock and disappointment I grab the glass of wine next to me for a large sip. The boys are never this comfortable with me.
When Andy had brought the same woman to his daughter's wedding, which I was surprised he even bothered coming to at all. I was completely shocked that she was near his age. Anytime my ex-husband brought someone to a family function, the girls and yes they were girls, have always been twenty years younger, blonde, all boobs and no brains, but Sharon was obviously different. Andy introduced her as his friend, Sharon and it was, as it seemed. They were friends but I could tell there was a deep friendship there, just from the looks they gave each other. I could see that Sharon was there to support him and that was something friends who care about each other would do not just a casual acquaintance.
At the wedding was the first time I could see Andy had changed. I fully admit I held on to the misery of the past for a lot longer than I should have. I had held on to my ex-husband's past mistakes. Now, I see what I'm missing out on by holding on so tightly to the dark past as I'm watching them all playing happily, Sharon, Andy, Nicole, and her children. Step-kids or not she has repeatedly told me they were in her heart and were her kids too. It seems more serious as this friend of Andy's has been coming to more and more family gathering. Nicole also mentioned to me that Andy asked if he could bring her with when he stopped over Christmas Day to bring the boys presents. I scan the room again and find Andy sitting on the couch now with the youngest boy on his lap. Sharon is sitting next to them with her hand on Andy's Though, I haven't been to a lot of the family gathering. I'm assuming because our daughter is trying to keep us apart probably so I won't cause a scene, but I can see the improvement in Andy and Nicole's relationship. I'm not sure if this new woman has much to do with that or if it's the timing, but it's easy enough to see that Nicole loves her dad and of course Andy loved his daughter that was never an issue. Also if I were a gambling kind of person I'd wager that Andy loved Sharon too, from the glances and touches they exchanged it was a requited feeling.
Every time I see Nicole this happy is when the guilt started eating away at me. I always said that I had kept the kids away from Andy to protect them. It has been really hard to believe he had changed. Doesn't the saying go once a drunk always a drunk? As another string of laughter fills the air I lift my eyes up from staring at my hands in my lap. Sharon was now kneeling on the floor tickling five-year-old, Kyle. As she's got the youngest laughing so hard he's crying, I can see Andy's face light up as he was watching, what I guess you would call his girlfriend even at our ages, play with the boys. I can't recall seeing a time that Andy ever looked at me like that. As if the world could stop spinning around him, but he'd never notice because he was lost in her eyes.
Soon as Kyle was released from the tickling holding cell as they called it, he rushed over to his grandpa. Andy was lying on his side on the floor with his head propped up in his hand. Kyle whispered something into his ear and Andy vehemently shook his head. I could see whatever the young boy had said Andy thought it would be a bad idea. I'm watching confused as he goes over to his older brother and whispers to Anthony. Who looks from Sharon to Andy then to Kyle again and with a quick shake of his head to say yes, Anthony rushed over and tugged at his grandpa free arm. Andy let out a sigh as he sat up with the help of both boys pulling on his arms. I could see my ex-husband give in to what they were planning, but he offered the woman still sitting on the floor a small shoulder shrug as he crawled closer to her. I take in a breath as I see Sharon give Andy a glare that even from where I sat in the back of the room could feel the chill. Now, that made me laugh quietly because I'm sure Andy the hot head must receive that look a lot at work. It was definitely a warning for him to stop whatever the plan was. With Andy in the middle and both boys on each side of him, they slowly approach towards Sharon on their knees. Though I could tell the older child, meaning my ex, was feeling his age kneeling like that. From Andy there was a laugh, as her glare got deeper then with a smirk he said, "it's the boy's idea." Not having a clue on how this would go I was anxious to see what was to happen.
I look over at my daughter who is taking in all this too, but she has a huge smile on her face and is obviously not worried about the outcome. If that were me, I would have been yelling at them to stop, telling them how mad I'd be if they didn't listen. There inlayed the difference, I go to a dark unreachable place whereas I see Sharon watching the three of them intently and I'm sure in her head she is figuring out the plan the boys have. Without barely any movement from what I can see, all the woman did was point a finger and instantly the boys jumped Andy instead and were tickling him. More peals of laughter and gasps for air hit my ears but this time I smile.
Picking up my glass again, I shake my head. Nicole is right; so I've must have done something right to raise such a smart and amazing daughter. She got me to see that I need to let go of what used to be and to stop taking it out on Andy before I come undone and ruin any chance of a continued relationship with my daughter and her new family. I need to forgive and save myself from living in the darkness of the past and feeling nothing inside, but that is an easier thing to say than to do. I can still recall all the times Andy and I fought when he would come home from drinking or he'd finally come home from work and not want to talk at all. He would rather spend the time with his kids and then me. That would erupt to more arguing. Until overtime, neither one of us could stand the sight of the other. There was an effort on both side but after a while, we decide to call it quits. I tap the side of my now empty glass with my fingernail, as I reminisce of the not so happy times.
Our relationship wasn't good for anyone in that house. It was decided mostly by me that it was best that Andy left; I used the fact that the kids were little still and needed their mom. When in truth I knew I was keeping him from seeing them because he loved them more than he loved me. The bitterness I've felt towards the man that would rather drink than talk to me. That was more committed to his work than his wife. That I gave my vow to and the failure of that union, all these and more have been eating away at me for way too long. I was so not ever going to forgive Andy of his sins. With a push from, Nicole I realize it is me that needs to save myself by letting go of past demons, past mistakes and to stop blaming Andy. I too had a hand in what went wrong. I need to own up to my mistakes and be the one to bring myself out of the dark. To save myself from the nothing I've become to be able to bring me to life again. As it seems Andy has done very successfully.
Not one to be upped by my ex and with the decision made, I set down my wine glass then make my way over to where the fun was being had. As I approach a hush fell over the room and all eyes looked up at me. Not liking the weariness on Nicole and her dad's face I softly ask, "is there room for one more?" Sharon is the first to react, giving me a quick nod and scooted over to make room for me, the annoying ex-wife. Though in all this time of her being with Andy, Sharon has never given any indication that she doesn't like me. Even at my coldest towards her, she has, in turn, treated me with respect. As I lower myself to sit between this mystery of a woman and Nicole, Sharon hands me the police car. I offer a "thank you," and return the smile she is giving me.
Turning wide-eyed to the boys they squeal and say, "catch us if you can, grandma." As my car is next to Kyle's I tell him to pull over, the giggling has started from youngsters. They are already laughing because they know they will be sentenced to tickling for their make-believe crime. I can't help but laugh; children's innocent laughter is very contagious. I see that everyone, adults included, is trying to suppress their giggles as Captain Sharon and Lieutenant Grandpa, as the have boys have deemed them for this cops and robbers game, are trying to keep a straight face as they agree on a plea bargain and what time will be served or tickled.
Surrounded by family, love, and laughter I feel lighter then I have in a long time as I release the weight of past burdens. I am grateful for the chance to pull myself out of the darkness.
~The End~