AN: So everything is the same except no Charlie/Connor in New Vegas and no Bass/Rachel ever. Takes place sometime after the second season ends, no comic obviously. Also, this is a crack fic people!
Connor rubs his temples as Charlie and his dad continue arguing. It was a small skirmish, only nine guys against the four of them. Not bad odds. Bass was injured and Charlie hasn't stopped yelling at him about it. One look over at Miles and he knows that he's not the only one getting sick of their constant fighting.
"Charlotte I'm not going to admit I was wrong because I wasn't wrong!" Bass shouts for probably the sixth time since the fight ended, which isn't necessary because Charlie is right next him. Connor isn't sure how much more he can take of their constant fighting.
"I had those guys handled! You should have been worrying about your own ass rather than trying to babysit mine. I'm not some damsel in distress that needs you to rescue her from the bad guys!" Charlie yells back, again not necessary since they are right freaking next to each other!
"He was sneaking up behind you, I spotted him first and took care of it."
"He was behind me but not sneaking, you didn't see him first because I already knew he was there and while you were 'taking care of it' you got your dumb ass stabbed."
"Better I get stabbed than you get dead."
"I wasn't going to die you moron!" Again with the yelling. Connor nearly weeps in relief at the sight of their camp. He can escape them! Aaron, Priscilla and Rachel are sitting at the fire and they look up. All three of them roll their eyes when they see Bass and Charlie are arguing again. Its always something with those two and their little rag tag group has gotten used to it. Connor on the other hand is about to lose his mind if they don't shut up soon.
"Go sit down you egotistical dick, so I can patch you up."
"I don't need you to patch me up Charlotte."
"And I didn't need you to save me but there you were, like a rash. So sit down, shut up, and take off your damn shirt." Bass grumbles but does as he's told. Connor almost makes a comment about Charlie being the real General, but quickly keeps his mouth shut. He's learned to keep out of their arguments.
"You're a God damn mess, you idiot." Charlie hisses as she takes a wet rag and wipes the blood away from the knife wound on his side. She's not gentle, in fact she's purposefully rougher than necessary.
"Oww Charlie, that hurts!"
"Maybe that will teach you to-"
"To what? To know better than to save your ungrateful ass?"
"You didn't save me!" Charlie yells and accidentally pushes down harder on the stab wound. Bass jerks away and swears up a storm. Connor watches Charlie wince and her eyes soften just a smidge.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to do that." Charlie says as she pulls her hand away from his injury for a moment. Gently this time she finishes cleaning the area before running a hand across his back.
"I'm gonna sew you up now." Bass nods but doesn't say anything. When she starts putting needle to skin he grits his teeth and holds completely still. No one is more relieved at the silence than Connor. After she finally gets the bandage in place and he puts on a clean shirt, Bass just has to speak up again.
"And for the record, yes I did save your life." Five sets of groans follow his statement and Charlie glares down at him from where she's now standing in front of him. Connor feels his eye twitch.
"Oh shut up asshole!"
"Just admit it and I won't bring it up again." Bass stands up carefully and towers over Charlie's petite frame but she doesn't back down. If anything having to look up at him bugs her even more.
"You are absolutely insufferable! How no one has slit your throat just for being a jackass is beyond me? If you weren't old and injured I'd kick your ass right now!" Charlie pokes her finger into his chest, glaring harder when Bass wraps his hand around her wrist and refuses to let go. Charlie's attempt to pull her wrist away just ends up with them somehow holding hands.
"Injured I'll give you, but old? That's a low blow Charlotte." Bass steps even closer now, their noses practically brushing and Connor just loses it.
"Oh Dios mío! Just fuck already and get it over with!" Connor's outburst leaves everyone is stunned silence. The objects of his ire are both standing there staring at him, not even noticing that they are still holding hands.
"What the hell junior?" Miles bellows from across the camp.
"Oh please! Like I'm the only one that's noticed the fucking inferno of sexual tension between them? We all know they need to bang one out so we can get some God damn peace and quiet around here!" No one speaks for a long time, mostly because they all know Connor is right but no one wants to admit it.
"Are you seriously going to just stand there and let Mini-Monroe talk to me like that?" Charlie spins back to face Bass, looking equal parts embarrassed and outraged.
"How is this my fault?"
"You made him!"
"He's an adult, I don't control him!" Charlie can't seem to find anything to say to that, so she gives him a shove (mindful of his injury) and storms away. Bass growls in frustration and rakes a hand through his curls before turning to glare at his son.
"Great! Now she's mad at me!" He stalks off after Charlie, grumbling the whole time. Connor can't resist a parting shot because fuck, he's been dealing with this shit since New Vegas.
"Don't come back until there's a good chance I'm a big brother!" Bass doesn't look back but he does flip him the bird before disappearing into the trees. Connor grins and thinks, 'Finally some peace and quiet!'
"Was that really necessary?" Aaron asks.
"Are you going to deny it?"
"I didn't say you were wrong, just that maybe it wasn't necessary."
"You don't know my pain man! You didn't travel all the fucking way to New Vegas and all the fucking way back as the third wheel to their sexual tension fighting! Its only gotten worse as they've actually grown to care about each other. It had to be done!" Aaron holds his hands up in surrender and leaves it at that.
Rachel and Miles seem to have come out of their shock comas and they're yelling at each other about who's fault it is. Miles is blaming Rachel ('She's your daughter!') while Rachel is blaming Bass ('He's a complete slut and a sociopath!') and Miles ('He's your damn friend!').
By the time Rachel and Miles stop fighting its been a few hours and the sun has already set but still no Bass and Charlie. They are just starting to get worried and discussing a search when Bass and Charlie come strolling back into camp. Bass is shirtless, sporting scratches across his back and what looks like hickeys down his neck and chest. Charlie is wearing his shirt, her hair is a wild tangled mess with sticks and leaves stuck in it, and has her own fair share of hickeys that start on her neck and disappear into the collar of the shirt. Neither says a word, they just collapse into their bedrolls and fall asleep.
"Finally some peace and quiet." Connor mutters, making himself comfortable and settling in for the night. He falls asleep to blissful silence.