the elephant man

by forbiddenmoose

The south park kids in the 1970's growing up age 17. please read and review! OMG first fic!

Sheila "You know that I want you to be a doctor. You can't go to prom."

Kyle. "But mom, I want to be an artist. And I don't even have a girlfriend to take. I would never break the law, or drink or anything. I love you."

Sheila. "You still cannot go, you have to study. And I don't like you spending time around that Kenny Kid. He's poor. That Wendy girl is a stinkin' hippie, and Token is black."

Kyle. "Mom you are a racist!"

Sheila. "Go to your room, no dinner."

Kyle. "I hate you!"

(Kyle goes upstairs it's 5:00 P.M. His heart is filled with rage and frustration, and anger. His mother had suffered under prejudice for her religion, why was she so prejudiced against his friends? Why did he not feel anything for all those girls that were chasing after him? Why did he like the weekends watching movies with Stan so much? One time their hands touched. It was magic.)

Kyle (singing)

"My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then."

(9:00 A.M. in school parking lot. Everyone is hanging around the cars)

Stan (who is wearing a football jacket): "Oh Hi Wendy, how are you my love?"

Wendy (a total hippie chick) "I'm super, as we march towards that most beautiful of futures."

Stan. "That's good babe, do you want to hang out after school?"

Wendy. "Oh course I do my darling."

Stan. (Singing) "Girl,when I'm alone with you I get a feelin' through and through Tellin' me that love is comin' on My head starts spinnin' round and round And I don't care what's up or down Cause deep in my soul, I'm out of control When I start to hear the sound of..."

(Together) "A heartbeat, it's a lovebeat And a lovebeat is a good vibration Oh, a heartbeat is a lovebeat And when we meet , it's a good sensation Listen to my heart pound Listen to my love sound Feel it gettin' stronger Can't hold back any longer..."

Wendy. "Heartbeat, it's a lovebeat And a lovebeat is a good vibration Oh a heartbeat it's a lovebeat And when we meet, it's a good sensation Listen.."

Stan."Pictures pass before my eyes Like a vision in disguise Tryin' to explain the way I feel And there's a movement in my mind Like a rhythm counting time Breakin' down all my defenses Overcomin' all of my senses..."

Together, "Listen to my heart pound Listen to my love sound Temp'rature is risin' Girl, there's no disguisin' A heartbeat, it's a lovebeat And a lovebeat is a good vibration Oh, a heartbeat is a lovebeat And when we meet , it's a good sensation..."

Eric Cartman. "You guys are such fags."

Stan. "At least I have a girlfriend fatass, you're probably the gay one!'

Eric Cartman. "You don't deserve someone as good as her, butt mucher."

Wendy. "Brothers, we should accept all people, including homosexuals."

Eric Cartman. "Yea, if what Bebe told me about you is true then that last comment makes sense."

Wendy. "What is that supossed to mean!"

Eric Cartman. "You're a hippie slut lesbian."

Wendy. "You should talk to Stan about that sometimes, he'd tell you that that's not true."

Eric Cartman. "Why would Bebe lie to me then?"

Wendy. "She must of, she's my best friend, she would never say such mean hearted things about me."

Kenny (walking) "Oh hi guys!"

Eric Cartman. "Why are you walking to school, oh yea because you are so poor."

Keny. "You suck Cartman!"

Clyde (conformist kid with an attitude, leather jacket) "Oh hey Kenny, you smell more like rat shit then usual today!"

Wendy. "It's not his fault that his family is of a lower social status then Mr. Mom and dad are dentists over here."

Clyde. "Shut up you hippie, drug addict dyke!"

Stan. "That's my girlfriend you're talking about punk!"

Clyde. "You wanna go!"

Stan. "Any time!"

Wendy. "My friends, violence is not the answer, not in a parking lot, not in Southeast Asia"

Clyde. 'Shut up woman."

Craig, Jimmy, and Token walk over to supply back up for Clyde.

Clyde. "How about now, you still wanna go? Four on one!"

Kyle heroically walks over. "That's four on two you dickhead!"

Clyde. "Still aint too good of odds!"

Kenny and Cartman and Wendy walk over, dignity in their eyes.

Kenny. "There are five of us now, take that!"

Clyde. "One of these days Marsh, one of these days" (as he shakes his fist)

Craig" "Isn't that Bebe Stevens!" (All the boys turn to face the beautiful blonde girl. She wears the finest clothes, and ever the way she walks is sugguestive)

Clyde, "She keeps Moet et Chandon

In a pretty cabinet

'Let them eat cake' she says

Just like Marie Antoinette

A built-in remedy

For Khrushchev and Kennedy

At anytime an invitation

You can't decline..."

Kenny. "Caviar and cigarettes

Well versed in etiquette

Extraordinarily nice."

All. "She's a Killer Queen

Gunpowder, Gelatine

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime."

Token. "Recommended at the price

Insatiable an appetite

Wanna try? "

Stan. "To avoid complications

She never kept the same address

In conversation

She spoke just like a baroness

Met a man from China

Went down to Geisha Minah

Then again incidentally

If you're that way inclined

Perfume came naturally from Paris

for cars she couldn't care less

Fastidious and precise..."

Wendy (yelling) "Stan!"

All. "She's a Killer Queen

Gunpowder, Gelatine

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime."

Bebe. "Hey boys, how's it going?"

Wendy. "Bebe, me dear, my closest of sisters. What is this most troubeling disscorse that is attributed to your gentle lips"

Bebe. "What are you talking about?"

Wendy. "Telling people that I am a lesbian."

Bebe. "That was just a little joke hun."

Wendy. "I don't know if all of our friends here interpreted it that way."

Bebe. "There not important, want to go shopping?"

Wendy. "But it's school!"

Bebe. "That doesn't matter."

Wendy. "I can't, I don't want to fail."

Bebe. "You are so lame some times, come on Craig, let's go."

Craig. "Sure thing sugar lips!"

Stan. "Come on Wends, we need to get to class."

(Everyone heads to class, except for Kyle, who stays there, longingly staring at Stan, the source of his confusion and internal maelstrom.)

Kyle. (Singing) "If I could make a wish I think I'd pass

Can't think of anything I need

No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound

Nothing to eat no books to read

Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside

What more could I ask

There's nothing left to be desired

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you

All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you

Just to have you now

All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Peace came upon me and it breathes in me

Don't sleep silent angel don't you sleep

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you

just to have you now All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you

All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want."

Mr. McGuffin (The stern principal who wears tweed) "What are you still doing out here ma boy?"

Kyle. "I'm just, searching."

Mr. McGuffin. "You'd better be searching for the classroom, cause that's where you need to be right now."

Kyle. "Okay, okay."

Mr. McGuffin. "Faster boy!"

Kyle (on the verge of tears). 'I'm going as fast as I can."

(In the Lunch Room 11:55)

Butters (walking past his four friends, all seated at one table)

"Hey Guys! How's it going?"

Eric Cartman. "Goddamnit Butters."

Butters. "Did you hear Nixon's latest speech last night."

Kenny. "No one cares Butters."

Butters. "Oh well, say fellers, I think that Bebe girl is might cute looking, I think that todays the day I make the move in on her."

Eric Cartman. "Oh no Butters, a little dweeb like you wouldn't have a chance with her. Besides I think that Clyde and her are doing it."

Butters. "I'm not going to give up hope. My father didn't back in Korea."

Stan. "Well good luck little buddy."

(Butters walks over to the girl's table, stars in his eyes)

Heidi. "Well I'm excited for the prom, I think I'll ask Kevin."

Nellie. "Really him? He sure loves that new Star Wars movie."

Heidi. "He sure does, wern't the special effects great."

Butters. "Hiya girls!"

Bebe. "What do you want Butters."

Butters. "Well you see...I was just comin' to...Ah Heck! will you go to the prom with me Bebe?"

Bebe. (Screams) "No, there's no way I'd ever do that you creep!"

(Bertha backs her chair to get out, and accidently trips Butters over, who drops the contents of his lunch tray on top of Bebe.)

Bebe (Screams again) "Oh my god! This top was made out of 100% Panda Fur! You little bitch, I'm going to get you!"

Butters. "Oh Hamburgers!" (Runs)

Cartman (watching from across the room) "Food Fight!"

(Looking like a scene from Vietnam War, food went flying everywhere. People were getting socked in the eyes by mashed potatos, and hit in the groin by Sailsbury Steak. There was carnage all around, people lay on the ground, their clothes ruined, and intense pain., suddenly the principal walks in, furious.)

Mr. McGuffin. "This is most unortheodx!"

(Everyone stops)

Mr. Mcguffin. "Who started this here atrocity?"

Craig. "It was Marsh over there sir."

Stan. "It was not, It was Craig and his little gang, the flaming vipers!"

Craig. "Eh! It was your gay little club homo boy."

Mr. McGuffin. "Silence! All of you wacky kids and your girlfriends will have to stay to clean up."

Eric Cartman. "No fair man!"

Mr. McGuffin. "Not a word out of you, or you'll all have double detention."

Kenny. "Oh no!"

(The principal storms out of the room)

Kyle. "Good going buttlord!"

Craig. "You'd probably enjoy anything that means you spend more time with Stan!"

Kyle. "What?"

Craig. "Don't think I don't know about you two queers."

Stan. "Hey! Kyles my bro, we're not gay."

Kyle. "Yea!"

Wendy. "Guys, we need to stop fighting, and unite to clean this room up! Who's with me?"

Kenny. "I sure am!"

Everyone. (Sung) "Power to all our friends To the music that never ends To the people we want to be Baby, power to you and me There's one old man Spends his life growing flowers And caring for the bees Power to the bees There's one old lady Spent her days making wine The wine tasted fine Power to the vine Power to the boys who played rock 'n' roll And made my life so sweet And to the girls I knew before And those I've yet to meet Power to all our friends To the music that never ends To the people we want to be Baby, power to you and me."

(The boys are out in their treehouse smoking cigarettes)

Eric Cartman. "Well I guess Prom is coming up."

Kenny. "Yea it sure is, who are you inviting Cartman?"

Eric Cartman. "I could invite anyone I wanted to."

Kenny. "Ya right fatboy."

Eric Cartman. "At least I'm not poor."

Kenny. "Van Gogh was poor, I think some girls find it attractive. Some girl who has everything handed to her on a silver plate, a rich powerful woman..."

Kyle. "Like Bebe Stevens?"

Kenny (longingly) 'Yea."

Kyle. "What about you Stan?"

Stan. "Dude, Wendy and I have been together since 3rd grade, it's her of course."

Kyle. "Don't you think it would be funny to invite a guy."

Stan. "No, that's gay."

Eric Cartman. "Hey, maybe Craig was right! We should beat Kyle up with pillowcases filled with soap."

Kenny. "We should be nice to each other, sure apart we are have problems in our lives. Kyle is Jewish, Cartman is fat, and I'm poor. But together we can become something great."

Stan. "Yeah."

Kyle. "You know what?"

Stan. "What?"

Kyle. "I want to act in pictures, become a real artist."

Stan. "Me too."

Kenny. "O've always wanted to act too."

Cartman. "That's a dumb dream."

Stan. "Don't say you've never felt that way before."

Cartman. "I have, I just never fell into that trap. We'll never make it."

Stan. "Apart we can't, but together we're unstopable. Wendy want to be an actress too."

Cartman. "Maybe in porn!"

Stan. "Hey, we can all drive out to LA this summer, get a contract, a studio, it's beautiful."

Kyle. (Singing) "Got on a board a west bound seven forty seven

Didn't think before deciding what to do

All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies

Rang true, sure rang true.

Kenny. "Seems it never rain in Southern California

Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before

It never rains in California

But girl, don't they warn ya

It pours man it pours."

Together: "Out of work, I'm out of my head

Out of self respect I'm out of bread

I'm under loved I'm under fed

I wanna go home

It never rains in California

But girl don't they warn ya, it pours, man it pours."

(Prom night)

Stan. "Wow isn't this great, prom finally came!"

Wendy. "Yeah I know hun."

Kenny. "Bebe can I talk to you in private?"

Bebe. "Sure, anything Ken."

Kenny. "It's just that I don't like the idea of you being with Craig."

Bebe. "Craig's a good man."

Kenny. "No he isn't I know how he beats you. And how you have to starve yourself to please him, I think you have annorexia."

Bebe. "It's not true."

Kenny. "You know it is."

Bebe. "Even if he is a good for nothing dirtbag, I'm never going to do much better then him."

Kenny. "Yes you can."

Bebe. "How?"

Kenny. "Me."

Bebe. "Really, you would?"

Kenny. "You're beautiful, and I love you, please take me to prom Bebe."

Bebe. "How could I say no to your eyes?"

Kenny. (Singing) "Nobody does it better

Makes me feel sad for the rest

Nobody does it half as good as you

Baby, you're the best"

Bebe. "I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me

It tried to hide from your love light

But like heaven above me

The spy who loved me

Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better

Though sometimes I wish someone could

Nobody does it quite the way you do

Why'd you have to be so good?"

Kenny. "The way that you hold me

Whenever you hold me

There's some kind of magic inside you

That keeps me from runnin'

But just keep it comin'

How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Oh, and nobody does it better

Makes me feel sad for the rest

Nobody does it half as good as you

Baby, baby, darlin', you're the best..."

Together. "Baby you're the best

Darlin', you're the best

Baby you're the best."

(The two run to catch up with their friends who have already entered the school gym.)

Kenny. "Stan guess what?"

Stan. "What?"

Kenny. "Bebe agreed to go to prom with me!"

Stan. "That's great."

Kenny. "But I have a secret I have not told even you."

Stan. "Okay."

(Inside all of the most popular music was playing)

Wendy. "Isn't this great Stan?"

Stan. "It sure is Wendy."

Butters. "Hey you two loverbirds, how goes it?"

Stan. "Fine. How's the punch?"

Butters. "It tastes great, better then anything I've ever tasted before! But it's a little funny tastin."

Stan. "What does it taste like?"

Butters. "It tastes like coffee and hazlenuts."

(Mr McGuffin walks past)

Mr. McGuffin. "How's it going kids?"

Butters. "Things sure are swell, here you want some punch."

Mr. McGuffin. "Sure, thank you young man. Yum, this is the greatest thing I ever tasted."

Eric Cartman (running over to Butters) "Oh no!"

Butters. "What's the matter Eric?"

Eric Cartman. "I pooped in the punch bowl, I thought it would be funny, but don't give it to the principal!"

Butters. "Oh Geese! I won't tell him."

Mr. McGuffin. "Say boys what's in this here punch."

Eric Cartman. "My shit."

Mr. McGuffin. "You kids these day!"

Eric Cartman. "Wasn't that funny?"

Mr. McGuffin.(spits it out) "Oh no, you wern't kidding. This is highly unorthedox!"

(A few hours later the dance is finsihed. Everyone is standing out front in the parking lot)

Stan. "Wasn't that magical babe?"

Wendy. "It sure was my dearest."

Stan. "Say Wends?"

Wendy. "What is it my love?"

Stan. "Want to come to my house now?"

Wendy. "Oh Stan!"

Stan. (Singing) "Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight

gonna grab some afternoon delight.

My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.

Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day."

Wendy. "Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite

looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite."

Bebe. "and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Started out this morning feeling so polite

I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite."

Kenny. "But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight."

Bebe. "Oh Kenny, you are so wonderful."

Kenny. "I know that I am."

Craig. "What are you doing with my girl!"

Kenny. "Bebe is my girl now, she left you for someone better!"

Craig. "She wouldn't dare! I'd beat her within an inch of her life!"

Kenny. "You wouldn't dare, son't worry babe, I'll protect you."

Craig. "Do you want to fight!"

Kenny. "Bring it you toad!"

Wendy. "Guys, we can't fight each other, not here, not ever. The real war is happening out there, in Vietnam."

Kenny. "I have something I should have told you all a long time ago."

Kyle. "What is it Ken?"

Kenny. "I've been drafted into the Army, I'm leaving for Nam next week."

Bebe. "No my darling!"

Craig. "It will just be you and me."

Bebe. "Stay away you creep! And you got it wrong, you see, Stan, Eric, Kyle, Wendy, Butters and me are all driving out to California to become movie stars."

Craig. "You guy's arn't going to make it, and you're gonna be running back home to me!"

Bebe. "No I won't, be can do this if we all work together. Kenny will always be there for me, in my heart. He won't die, our love is too strong."

Craig. "One of these day." (Leaves)

Bebe. "Oh Kenny, I love you."

Kenny. "I love you too babe."

Bebe. "Promise you'll be safe."

Kenny. "When I have something as precious as you to come on back to, I sure will."

Bebe. (Singing) "The marchin' band came down along Main Street

The soldier-blues fell in behind

I looked across and there I saw Kenny

Waiting to go and join the line

And with her head upon his shoulder

His young and lovely fiancee

From where I stood, I saw she was cryin'

And through her tears I heard her say

"Kenny, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life"

"Kenny, don't be a hero, come back and make me your wife"

And as he started to go she said "Billy, keep your head lo-o-ow"

"Kenny, don't be a hero, come back to me"

The soldier-blues were trapped on a hillside

The battle raging all around

The sergeant cried "We've got to hang on, boys"

"We got to hold this piece a'ground"

"I need a volunteer to ride up"

"And bring us back some extra men"

And Kenny's hand was up in a moment

Forgettin' all the words she said."

(In the locker room after a big game with North Park the boys are getting changed)

Stan. "Wasn't that a great game guys?"

Eric Cartman. "It sure was Stan."

Token. "I can't believe we won wgainst those North Park thugs."

Jimmy. "I wish Kenny was here for all this."

Craig. "You guys are fags."

Eric Cartman. "Eh!"

Kyle. "You were great out there Stan!"

Stan. "Thank's Kyle, that means a lot to me."

Kyle. "It does?"

Stan. "Ya, you're my best friend, I love you."

Kyle. "You do?"

Stan. "Oh course dude."

(Kyle, who has found his golden oppurtunity, to make good on countless fantasies and sleepless nights, he turns to Stan and kisses him passionately)

Stan. "Get off me Man!"

Kyle. 'Stan, I thought..."

Stan. "It's not like I'm a queer or nothin' Kyle, gawd!"

(All the boys laugh at him, and Kyle runs away, half dressed to hide from all of the torturous laughter and incoming insults that would dot his dark life for the remainder of his pained days)

(Kyle is hiding in a sport's equiptment closet. He is crying and sings to himself of his pained experience with the love of his life."

Kyle (singing) "I know your eyes in the morning sun

I feel you touch me in the pouring rain

And the moment that you wander far from me

I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze

Keep me warm in your love

Then you softly leave

And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love?

How deep is your love?

I really meant to learn

Cos we're living in a world of fools

Breaking us down when they

All should let us be.

I believe in you

You know the door to my very soul

You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour

My savior when I fall

And you may not think I care for you

When you know down inside

That I really do

How deep is your love?

How deep is your love?

I really meant to learn

Cos we're living in a world of fools

Breaking us down when they

All should let us be."

(Graduation day, everyone is excited and has a smile on there, bright, young, face.)

Mr. McGuffin. "Well, the day has finally come boys and girls, you almost all made it too, everyone graduated this year, except Craig, you GPA was .1% too low for Colorado standards."

Craig. "Ah hell! Guess I'm working at Dairy Queen."

Mr. McGuffin. "Everyone else did really well, and now to give a speech as you accept your awards, is Miss Sheila Broflovki."

Kyle. "Oh no!"

Sheila. "Thank you Mr. McGuffin. Young men and women, as you make your way forwards in this world there are a great deal many dangers you will have to face. There will be the undying influence of the Liberal media, and the corrupt hollywood. There will be homosexuals who try to exploit you, but just remember that these people are evil..."

Kyle. "Oh mom, theres nothing wrong with gay people."

Sheila. "What What What!"

Wendy. "Your son is right Mrs. B, there isn't anything wrong with gay people, or black people, or Mexicans."

Sheila. "Watch your mouth you hippie tramp."

Mrs. Testaburger. "What did you just call my daughter?"

Sheila. "You know it's true! It's your bad influence and all of those violent movies."

Kyle. "Oh mom, I never told you this, ut I'm...I'm..."

Sheila. "Now is not the time Bubee."

Kyle. "Mom, I'm gay, and you'll have to face that fact head on!"

Sheila. "What What What!"

Mr. McGuffin. "What! This is most unorthedox!"

(Just as this is happening, Cartman walks up to accept his diploma, only problem is; he's isn't wearing any pants!)

Sheila ."What are you doing Eric, you arn't wearing any pants! I'll get you for ruining my son's special day."

Eric Cartman. "Woah! I'm out of here!" (As he runs away from the stage, he accidentally knocks Sheila over into a giant graduation cake, along with Mr. McGuffin.)

Mr. McGuffin. "This is most unorthedox!"

Sheila. "I'll get you kids! No son of mine is going to be a homosexual and get AIDS!"

Wendy (releases doves that she stored in her bra) "Be free birds!"

(The birds fly right onto Sheila and Mr. McGuffin, eating the little bits of cake off of them.)

Sheila "UUUH! You damned kids!"

Stan. (To his friends) "Moving right along gang!"

(The whole gang (Butters, Stan, Eric, Bebe, Wendy, and Kyle are at a used car lot looking for a car to drive to California in)

Used Car Man. "Why hello there, what do you need today."

Stan. "What kind of cars do you have?"

Used Car Man. "Let's see, we have Stuedebakers, Pacer, Gremlins and this old hunk of junk."

Eric Cartman. "It's perfect!"

Stan. "Yeah what is it?"

Used Car Man. "It's a Volkswagon Combi, 67 model, trust me, that one's not worth it."

Wendy. "It's the only won we can all fit in, unless we want to get really cosey."

Stan. "I wouldn't mind that."

Wendy. "Stop it!"

Stan. "We'll take it!"

(Everyone is in the car, driving down the glorious interstate)

Stan. (Sings) "Ah, breaker one-nine, this heres the rubber duck. you gotta copy on me, pig pen, cmon?

Eric Cartman. "ah, yeah, 10-4, pig pen, fer shure, fer shure. by golly, its clean clear to flag town, cmon."

Stan. "yeah, that Big 10-4 there, pig pen, yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy. mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy..."

Everybody: "It was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June

And a Kenworth pullin' logs

Cab-over Pete with a reefer on

And a Jimmy haulin' hogs

We's headin' for bear on Eye-one-O

'bout a mile outta Shakeytown

I says "Pigpen, this here's Rubber Duck"

"And I'm about to put the hammer down"

cause we got a little ole convoy rockin' thru the night

Yeah, we got a little ole convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?

Come on and join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna get in our way

We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the USA, Convoy!"

(They've reached the desserts of Utah. When suddenly they hear a disheartening noise deep from the automotive belly of the car.)

Kyle. "Oh no, I think we're having engine problems!"

Eric Cartman. "But we're in the middle of the desert!"

Kyle. "I know fatass, I know!"

Stan. "Oh no, the car's stopped moving."

Kyle. "We still have enough gas, it must be an engine fault. Oh shit."

Butters. "I can fix engines you guys!"

Eric Cartman. "No you can't R-tard."

Butters. "I can so."

Bebe. "You so cannot you little dork."

Wendy. "Bebe, Eric, we must show kindness to one another."

Stan. "I don't know how much kindness I have left Wends, we're trapped in the desert without any idea of where we are!"

Butters. "Look at that buisness man over there!"

Bebe. "That's not a buiness man idiot, it's a Mormon."

Eric Cartman. "What's a Mormon?"

Wendy. "A Mormon is a person who follows the faith of The Church of the Ladder Day Saints, following the teachings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young."

Eric Cartman. "Oh, thank you."

Butters. "We can ask him where the nearest city is?"

Kyle. "Good idea."

(Butters sticks head out of window, and calls to the Mormon)

Butters. "Hey Mr. Moron, where's the nearest city."

Elder. "Hey kids, geese it looks like you guys are in a spot of bother eh? I'm Elder Young, but the nearest city to here is Provo, it's about 25 miles down the road."

Butter. "Thanks Junior Young!"