Ymir had fallen asleep hours ago, the sound of the heavy rain outside masking her incessant snoring radiating from the room to Reiner and Bertolt's right, to which they were both thankful for. A silence hung over them that said the words they didn't need to speak, they were stuck in this rut with no hopes for the foreseeable future as far as they could tell. Running from the Survey Corps had allowed them no way of access inside the walls and the desperation they both expressed was almost palpable.
Shiganshina was as desolate as ever, littered with rubble and the collapsing corpses of homes and people alike, the imperceptible stench of death and despair seemed to linger in the air and find it's way into every nook and crevice. The three had holed up in a small house near the wall, one that had fared well against the invasion, a gaping hole in the roof was the only indication it had been damaged, and they could live with that; if it wasn't raining.
It hadn't let up in hours, and both men were covered in a light sheen of rainwater, drops rolling from their hair and landing on the wooden floor underneath. Reiner had tried to start a fire, anything to alleviate this numbing cold that had worked it's way into their very bones, but to no avail. They both knew sleep was impossible now, so admitting their defeat they sat in sullenness awaiting this storm to pass.
Sighing softly, Bertolt turned and arranged the ragged blanket around his lanky form to one that stopped the harsh barrage of the rain from hitting his body, and turned his downcast eyes up to study Reiner. He had refused the only blanket in the house, insistently motioning that Bertolt take it instead, to which he eventually had to accept whether he liked it or not. A worn expression laced itself through Reiner's features, a bump forming in the crease of his eyebrows as his right hand ran nervous circles on his damp forearm, casting long shadows on the puddles as he did so. Bertolt guessed he was over thinking everything again, allowing his mind to run to the worst possible conclusions as usual. Not like Bertolt didn't, but whenever he did, he always tried to think on the bright side. Ever the optimist, Reiner would chide in, earning a glare from him but Reiner knew Bertolt didn't care. They'd been friends for too long, an unspoken bond formed by the hardships they both were thrust upon without a thought and a trusting companionship.
"I'm going to see if there's any more blankets," Reiner said monotonously , standing up in the dull moonlight and brushing unseen dust from his ill fitting trousers. Bertolt knew there wasn't a chance there were any more, but nodded slowly anyway, watching Reiner's retreating figure disappear down the unlit corridor and into the unfurnished room at the end.
Noticing the rain had let up marginally, Bertolt let the blanket fall off his shoulders and stretched; brushing his shoes against the rough wood of the wall and leant down on his elbows to gain a better look at the night sky through the roof. A soft crunch underneath his left arm; however, alerted him to a sharp pain coursing through his appendage suddenly causing Bertolt to recoil back slightly in pain. Brown eyes flickered down to what it was and landed upon many shards of glass, scattered across the fraying edges of a discarded photograph. He wasn't surprised to be honest, this house had obviously seen better days and the inhabitants had probably not survived the invasion, evidently not giving much thought to their whimsical possessions.
Turning slightly to gain a better view, curiosity pulled at Bertolt to examine the photograph further, so with gentle fingers, he pried it from the sopping floor boards slowly so as not to rip it even further and placed it into his palm. It was of a family; as far as he could tell. The father presumably stood at the right hand side, stoic and insurmountable against the white-washed background, stood solidly in a suit and an arm around a woman who Bertolt guessed to be his wife. She was pretty, rounded features and a kindly face, one that told of good deeds and nursing children and eyes that crinkled at the corners when she smiled. Smirking slightly despite himself, Bertolt's eyes wandered down to two young children at the bottom of the photo, small arms interlinked together and mischievous grins plastered upon their young faces. The boy was no older than six, his toothy grin wide and unabashed, a harsh contrast against the darkness surrounding the photograph itself. His sister next to him, about ten years of age, was smiling also, freckles dotted along her cheekbones and a smaller smile pronounced on her face, eyes staring straight into Bertolt's own wavering ones.
This family; they looked so...blissful almost. As if not real, a mirage that Bertolt could reach out and disrupt at any moment, their happy expressions too good to be true in this day and age. Lifting his hand from the floor, he slowly traced the torn edges with a feather like touch, occasionally stopping to brush over these unknown people in the photograph; a strange bond forming somehow which was then hurriedly dashed away at a sudden horrific realisation.
He had caused their demise.
Bertolt knew this fact, he had to face it everyday. He faced it when a titan reared its ugly head at him; he faced it when the bones of civilians crunched underfoot walking through Shiganshina and he faced it now. So why was it any different? This family, so alike to many others; had such a profound effect on him. Humanity and morals were always at the forefront of his mind at the best of times, and now was no different, as he sat in this destroyed home, chewing his bottom lip softly; willing the onslaught of tears away that he knew were bound to come.
And they did. He let the photograph float silently to the floor as tears brimmed at the corners of his bloodshot eyes. Bertolt wasn't usually the type to cry; he couldn't remember the last time he had allowed himself to pour out the emotions he so desperately needed to, but now seemed the right time. Hands fumbling at the blanket on the floor, he picked it up and placed a trembling hand over his mouth, muffling the sobs that were choked out between tears as the consequences of everything dawned on him.
He wasn't human; how could someone with so little regard for humanity allow themselves to be called that? The faces of the anonymous family swam in front of his glazed eyes and only served to increase the flow of tears from Bertolt as they ran down and mixed with the rain on his olive skin.
Shuffling steps from to his right caused Bertolt to swivel his head to the source to find Reiner walking towards him, head down and picking at the buttons on his shirt.
"Hey Bertl, there were no blankets so I ho - are you okay?" the last part of this sentence was caused by Reiner meeting the watery eyes of Bertolt, crouched down over the floor, a pained expression visible on his face.
Sucking in a huge breath, Bertolt removed his hand from over his mouth and laughed contemptuously at himself, "I'm fine," he spoke, a slight crack at the end of the sentence and a sniffle the only indication he was crying.
Reiner had never seen Bertolt like this, so desperate and hopeless. If anything, it would have been the other way around. With tentative steps, Reiner stood over Bertolt, his shadow casting elongated dark patches onto his face and causing his tears to reflect in the moonlight, confirming Reiner's suspicion he was crying.
Reiner had never been a person full of compassion; he could act sympathetic when need be and say the right words, but he never felt sincere; a sham almost. Yet looking down at Bertolt who usually towered over him, looking so small and insignificant against the backdrop of Shiganshina, Reiner felt compelled to comfort him.
Another sob broke from Bertolt's parted lips as Reiner sat himself down next to the crying man, a heavy sigh accompanied with it. This was going to be difficult for both of them; trying to explain their emotions to each other. But Reiner knew he had to start somewhere and now seemed the best place to do so.
"Pass me the blanket."
"Huh?" came the response from Bertolt, his face transfixed as Reiner slowly prised the dirty garment from between his grasp and flung it over the both of them. It barely covered Reiner's shoulders and hung awkwardly around them, but it was warm and stopped the onslaught of rain at least as Reiner pressed his knees against the top of Bertolt's thighs; shifting so as not to strain his neck to look at his friend. Bertolt's eyes were wide as Reiner flashed a small grin at him, causing him to turn and look away quickly.
The room was silent except for the continuous thrum of rain on wood and the occasional hiccup from Bertolt who had now stopped crying and instead chose to stare blankly at his hands, picking at them; a nervous habit. Reiner didn't know what to say; what could he say? Oh, hey Bertl, I heard you crying just now so let's share our emotions!
Unlikely. But he couldn't ignore it. So with a resonating sigh, he began:
"Bertl, you don't have t- to tell me what's wrong, because I know I'm not the best person to talk about opening up more," a slight chuckle from Reiner accompanied this, "but, can I not - you know - do anything to help, at least?"
Bertolt silently mulled over the right words to say and eventually settled on a shrug of his shoulders that caused Reiner to sigh in defeat.
Resting his chin in his palm, Reiner idly toyed with the edge of the blanket, glancing up at Bertolt who purposely chose not to meet his probing blue eyes.
"Okay, then" Reiner huffed loudly, "I guess I'll just stay here with my good friend Bertl and sit in silence," he finished with a dramatic pout and a poke to Bertolt's leg who flinched away and scowled.
Moments of reserve passed between the two men, Bertolt gazing solemnly at the now sodden photograph and Reiner continuing to express his distaste at the taller man's silence by loud sighs every now and then. A small gust of wind racked through the house, and around the pair of sitting figures, causing Bertolt to shiver slightly and curl tentatively more into Reiner's warmth next to him, the heat radiating from his almost feverish skin.
"Reiner...are we truly humans?"
The words hung thickly in the air, creating an unseen tenseness between them; causing Reiner's fingers to shallowly dig into his thigh.
"Why do you ask?"
A slight shake of the head was all it took for small droplets of tears to begin forming in Bertolt's eyes again, his mouth hanging agape as the back of his hand dragged across his flushed face. "I'm - I'm sorry Reiner, this is stupid - I'm stupid."
A concerned look flashed across the blond's face as he sat up straight and chose his next words carefully.
"Bertl, you're not stupid for saying that," Reiner admitted, tiptoeing around the inevitability of revealing his own emotions on this touchy subject, "I - I chastise myself for these things too."
"But, we're not truly human; you, me, Ymir." he paused slightly before continuing, "but that doesn't make us monsters."
The last word felt like a kick to Bertolt, monsters. He had never perceived himself in that light before, but now the world hung menacingly in his mind, causing the tears cascading down his face to increase as he placed a shaky palm on his forehead; anything to try and control his sporadic emotions.
"That - that photo, Reiner," Bertolt began, croaking out the words through his tears as the heel of his hand pressed into his skin even harder now, but he didn't care, "it - they looked so happy and - and, we took that away from them." The choking sobs were now making his words almost incomprehensible and Reiner had to stop himself from reaching out and telling his friend to calm down.
"How can we call ourselves that?" a shivering cry racked through his body, "how can we call ourselves human when we destroy what innocence is left in this world? We're not worthy, if anything." Bertolt's last few words were quiet and overshadowed by the rain outside and took Reiner aback. Never before had he heard Bertolt's emotions voiced so strongly, so full of sadness and despair that it broke his heart to see him like this.
A sudden feeling of compassion coursed through Reiner and without a second thought he responded:
"Because it's the emotions we feel and how we are, that's why we're humans, Bertolt! We may not be the best examples of soldiers - and I know we aren't, but Bertl, you're still human. That's why you're feeling like you are now. A monster wouldn't care for the lives he's taken. You do."
Exhaling loudly and wiping a palm across his wet face, Reiner moved back slightly, overwhelmed by his sudden outburst of feelings that even he didn't know were waiting to be released. But it felt good; to finally justify that what they were doing wasn't completely inhumane.
A slight chuckle escaped from Reiner's lips, causing a quizzical expression to form on Bertolt's tear-stained face.
"I'm not usually the one to say this kind of stuff, am I?" he said softly, not wanting to break the silence that had now blanketed over them; save for the occasional hiccup from Bertolt, a fresh set of tears ready to overflow.
"Oh Bertl, now don't go saying I've gone soft!" Reiner responded with a light hearted grin as Bertolt rubbed softly at his bloodshot eyes as silence once again surrounded them.
"Reiner I...-"
"Yeah I know, I don't know what I was talking about. I just thought you might find it helpfu-"
And that was when Bertolt flung himself from his seated position on the floor into Reiner's lap, his head resting underneath Reiner's chin and his hand's gripping desperately onto the coarse fabric of his shirt. Trying to steady himself from the weight of his taller friend, Reiner placed one hand on the floor behind him and the other resting lightly on top of Bertolt's back as sob after sob racked through his drained body.
"This - I needed to hear this.." came a muffled voice from against Reiner's chest, accompanied with slight inhales now and then as Bertolt slowly pulled back. His brown hair was stuck to his face in clumps against the sides; long eyelashes thick with tears and once dark eyes now wide and bloodshot as ever so slowly he leaned in to Reiner's surprised visage.
"Thank you," Bertolt sighed softly, before placing his own chapped lips against Reiner's own, revelling in the warmth that coursed through them both, the grip on the blond boy's shirt increasing slightly as a small moan escaped from Reiner's mouth. It was awkward, their noses bumped together and Bertolt truly didn't have a clue what he was doing. But it felt right, and familiar and Reiner was reciprocating, so it couldn't have been all that bad. Breathy sighs filled the air as they both moved their lips in tandem with each other, either of them too nervous to do anything else besides Reiner moving his hands to fist them into Bertolt's hair, causing a sharp gasp to emit from him.
Biting softly at Bertolt's bottom lip as he pulled away, Reiner sighed and broke apart; his eyes half lidded and his shirt crumpled between them. Bertolt's face was still mere inches away from Reiner's, his pupils dilated and his breathing even more uneven, his chest rising and falling in huge breaths.
"I know I'm human, or else I wouldn't feel this."
And then Bertolt's own eager mouth once again latched onto Reiner's lips, a pleased sigh escaping from him. Bravery had now found it's way into Bertolt's plethora of emotions and with roaming hands, he laced his fingers through the blond's shorter hair, earning an appreciative sigh from him. This was unlike anything both had anticipated; yet they weren't stopping and with each movement of each other, the more they didn't want to. Bertolt's longer legs had now wrapped around Reiner's waist as his ministrations on the blond's lips continued.
Neither cared for the rain now, as Bertolt slowly shifted his position which earned him a sharp hiss from Reiner, pulling away from the brunet and blushing profoundly. Bertolt didn't realise why Reiner had pulled back, had he done something wrong? Then a solidness underneath his right thigh alerted him to why.
"Oh," came a quiet murmur from Bertolt, his cheek pressed against Reiner's and his breathing shallow and laboured as Reiner continued to not make eye contact.
"W- we should stop, Bertl," Reiner said, his hot breath tickling the sensitive skin below Bertolt's ear and causing him to shiver. The whole house was silent as Bertolt chose what next to say carefully.
"We shouldn't," Bertolt dared to answer, a small smirk forming on his lips as an idea formed in his mind. Untangling his hand from Reiner's hair, Bertolt slowly dragged it down the expanse of his body, feeling his breathing increase as it travelled downwards.
Bertolt swallowed loudly as his hand stalled at the rim of Reiner's waistband. His heartbeat was sporadic and echoing loudly in his head, the earthy scent of the rain and Reiner mixing and making him light headed. This was all too much; and he loved it. Tilting his head slightly, Bertolt kissed Reiner; a chaste kiss, a silent ask for permission. Reiner responded with a sigh and Bertolt pushed past the waistband; feeling the soft expanse of skin underneath his warm hand.
"W-wait" Reiner's hand had stopped Bertolt's as his eyes pleaded with him.
"We should move, in case," he nodded sideways, motioning to the door on his right where Ymir still lay asleep.
Nodding silently, Bertolt stood up, helping Reiner to his feet; a sudden feeling of urgency overwhelming him. He needed to feel Reiner, be with him and this was all so surreal, so with trembling hands he picked up the blanket discarded on the floor and moved towards Reiner to show his intentions.
That was until the door to their right was pushed open, creaking as it did so to reveal Ymir; hair messy, eyes bloodshot and tired and a grimace forming on her face. Before either men could speak she shot them a quizzical look. Not that Bertolt didn't blame her, they were stood close to each other, hair ruffled and quick breathing.
"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice low and groggy.
"Going to sleep." Reiner replied, too hurriedly to act casual and instead caused Ymir to furrow her dark brows even further.
"Come on Bertl," and with that Bertolt was dragged down the corridor without a second glance back at Ymir who had a now knowing grin plastered on her face.
"Yeah right," she mumbled, hoping they would at least have the decency to be quiet.