Beth tried not to let it get to her. She tried to tell herself that Sarah loved her, that Cosima wasn't in the picture anymore. Sarah herself had told her, time and time again in fact, that Cosima and her had sorted out their differences and had gone their separate ways. They were still friends, of course, otherwise it would get even more awkward, but Cosima was nothing compared to Beth. Not anymore.
That's what Sarah told her. But her actions, her little slip ups here and there, said otherwise. Sarah would try to brush it off, like it was no big deal she has accidentally moaned Cosima's name during her climax. They all had the same face after all, it's not like she meant to do it on purpose just to mess with Beth's emotions.
"Besides," Sarah had shrugged as she slipped into her panties the morning after, "You've said Alison's name once or twice and it's not like I got all offended at you."
"I apologized," Beth had answered quietly as Sarah went about making coffee. "You still seem hung up on her."
"Two sugars and a cream, yeah?" Sarah called over her shoulder.
"That's how Cosima likes it," she muttered to her feet as she sat on the edge of the bed, slowly cooling sheets wrapped around her shoulders. Raising her voice, she gave a weary affirmative, trying not to sound too defeated.
It was just something that Beth had to learn to deal with. Sarah never stayed still for long, so she should've known that she would've eventually flitted from Cosima to another interest. Which just so happened to be her.
But Beth couldn't help but think that Cosima had actually caught Sarah somehow. Sarah had never spoken of her break up with Cosima, which was understandable in the weeks that followed the incident, but she had never seemed truly cut up about it. True, she was never one to let her emotions past her stoic facade, but Beth knew her. At least, she thought she did.
Beth was three fingers deep inside of Sarah one night when it happened again. "Cos... oh, god, fuck," Sarah bit her lip and turned her face into the pillow as her back arched and her heat pressed up against Beth's palm.
This time, however, Beth had come up with a plan. She wished she could've kept pretending, could've kept basking in everything Sarah... but she couldn't do that to herself again. Especially not after Paul. "Yeah baby," Beth sighed back, dropping into Cosima's accent, hating it, hating herself, "Come for me."
Sarah's eyelids fluttered underneath Beth's skilled fingers and she moaned out Cosima's name in ecstasy once again as Beth led her to the edge and pulled her over. "Fuck," Sarah gasped, completely breathless as she rolled over to meet Beth, her body heavy and sluggish and slick. "Cos, that was- uh.. shite."
"That was what, babe?" Beth prompted in Cosima's sultry accent, reaching out and tracing Sarah's jaw with her own wetness.
"I.. uh.. Beth, it's.. listen, it's not what it-"
Dropping the disgusting act, Beth sat up abruptly and knocked back Sarah's outstretched, pleading hand. "Don't you dare try to explain this to me, Sarah Manning," she snapped, standing and snatching up her shirt, shoving it angrily over her head.
"Beth, please, I just-"
"You just nothing, Manning," Beth growled and headed to the bathroom. To the medicine cabinet. "You're still seeing her aren't you?" she asked without expecting a reply, rattling half a dozen pills into her palm, "I should have guessed," she carried on to herself, "You were never even broken up with her in the first place, god, I'm such an idiot, thinking that someone like me could compare to Cosima with her brilliant science and her stupidly insatiable optimism and her ability to bring the best out of you, the way she makes you-"
"Beth," Sarah's voice sounded right behind her, and, before Beth could turn around and react, Sarah's hand was covering her hand. The one with the pills sitting innocently in her palm. "Stop acting like your bloody last name, yeah?"
"Could say the same to you," Beth snapped back, her back rigid and stiff against Sarah's soft curves that were pressing gently there. "Whoring around and picking up chicks and cheating without a single second thought-!"
"Oi! Enough," Sarah bit out, curling her hand around Beth's wrist and forcing her to open her palm. "You showed me this move, Childs. You know how much it'll hurt."
"I could just as easily escape you right now. And you know that," she snarled, tightening her wrist and preparing her muscles for action.
"But you wont," Sarah answered calmly, resisting Beth's tension and tilting her palm towards the sink so that the pills started to slip towards the drain.
Slumping against Sarah in defeat at last, Beth let the pills fall out of her hand as she dropped her head onto Sarah's chest. "I just... Sarah, I can't. If you love Cosima then just-"
Sarah kissed her suddenly then, hard and silencing. "I couldn't bloody keep up with that brain of hers," she laughed bitterly, "But.. I wont lie, Beth. I still love her.. a bloody lot, actually."
"And.. me?" Beth asked, hating how vulnerable she sounded, but knowing that Sarah would protect her. That, at least, she knew for sure.
"I've got a long way to go, Beth," Sarah admitted gently, nuzzling the crook of her neck from behind, "Cos hasn't been easy to let go of.. y'know, especially since we're still friends. And alright, I'll look over at her now and remember how much fun we had, and we'll smile as if we're remembering the same thing.. and she was a bloody animal in bed, let me tell you-"
"Sarah," Beth groaned and dug her elbows into Sarah's stomach, effectively winding and silencing her.
"Point is," Sarah wheezed, holding her stomach with one arm and gesturing vaguely with the other, turning to follow Beth back to bed as she continued, "I love you Beth. And I'm still learning what that means and how I can be better at it... and I'm still learning you, what makes you move and laugh and... god I'm getting bloody romantic now aren't I?"
"You are," Beth rolled her eyes as she slipped under the covers and grabbing Sarah's wrist when she tried to do the same. "But it's not gonna help you tonight. You're on the couch."
"Beth, I- what? Oi, that's-"
"Completely fair," she replied smugly. "I'll see you in the morning."
Sarah stared at her, stunned for a few moments, then turned with a reluctant grumble and slumped her way over to the couch, snagging the pillow from her side of the bed as she went.
"Oh, and Sarah?" Beth called again once Sarah had found a comfortable spot on the couch, "I take my coffee black."
"Ah shite."