Lonely Souls Made Anew

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be—Anna Louise Strong

Sam knew what it meant to lie to someone. He knew what it was like to make decisions for people without taking into consideration that they were people with their own ideas. He knew full well what it was like to look someone in the eye and lie straight to their face. So was he upset? Yes because he had been lied to by his brother. Dean had tricked him into saying yes to an angel named Gadreel and he ended up doing things that… A small noise distracted his thoughts and he looked up.

She walked by carrying a book and reading it. It looked ridiculously oversized in her hands but she had perfect balance as she carried it opened and was reading and walking. She paused a moment when she sensed him looking at her and looked up. She caught his eye for a moment before looking back down and continuing with what she was doing leaving Sam to sigh. It had been that way ever since she busted in that warehouse and joined the… er threesome in his head and convinced him to expel the angel; she wore a sort of sad look and stayed away.

It hurt when she moved out of the room they shared and into the set of rooms given to her by the Men of Letters. She shrank when he reached out to touch her and spent her time wandering the bunker doing whatever was anyone's guess. She did make their meals; probably what she considered a small gesture on her part. In the end it all added up to one thing: he was lonely without her and it held a steady lead against his anger at Dean.

"They say that anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue," Sherlock said in one of his rare moments where he didn't sound like a condescending ass.

Sam looked at the old librarian and said, "I'm not angry with her."

"Seems to me she doesn't think so," Sherlock pointed out. He picked up a book that he had left on the table earlier and took a moment to study Sam who was just holding a book that wasn't one of the research tomes. It piqued his interest greatly. "Normally she would have walked away completely… something like going on a hunting trip and not coming home for a couple of days."

"Shut up."

It hit a nerve to Sam. He knew that phrase well. It was what brought him back into hunting but in regards to his dad. Since then it was a code of an unspoken fear that she would pick up and leave since Sam had heard that reference before in that context. He shot a glare at the librarian and closed the book he had been reading.

Sherlock was not put out by this. In fact it was the most he had seen out of Sam since he formally met the Nanny that watched her with concern that was touching. He replied, "So I take it that she has done this before. Must have been terrible."

"Shut up, Sherlock," Sam warned. He swallowed and turned holding the book in his hands. "She's not gonna leave. She wouldn't." He hated sounded like a pathetic puppy in front of the librarian but the man always seemed to manage to do that with him.

"I can't imagine that she would but she is probably contemplating it," Sherlock offered, "It was like hell the day you came home. Very careful in how she spoke and acted and occasionally a glare at the Promiscuous One. She certainly raised up a storm about the feathered suit forced out."

Sam knew all this. He did remember what he did. He remembered her behavior that felt out of place even though it was right. "I know. She knew something wasn't right and…" It dawned on him part of the reason why.

Sherlock has been watching Sam's expression and gave a slight grin, "I knew there was a reason she kept you around. It certainly wasn't your charm."

Sam shot the librarian a glare. He understood better where she was coming from. It made him want to touch her and hold her all the more; the want to show her that he wasn't upset about it. If roles were reversed, he would have done the same. Actually once or twice he did do something like it but she would point out that they had planned it in advance and all parties knew then and this time, she did what she did solo.

Sherlock held up his hands but it was anything but surrender. "Just saying Nanny, she prefers your brains but I'm guessing you have something else that caught her fancy and it's driving her insane trying to figure out how to deal with it."

"Preaching to the choir you damned librarian," Sam muttered. It wasn't jealousy that prompted the relationship he had with the librarian. He just rubbed him the wrong way.

"I've been damned since 1913, Nanny," Sherlock replied with a mocking smile. "The immediate problem is that she thinks you are pissed with her and she knows what she did is wrong and hence thinks the appropriate solution is to keep her distance but given her affection for you and your brother, she can't bring herself to sever ties completely and I doubt she ever would. Ergo you have the monumental task of convincing her you mean what you say when you say you aren't pissed at her unless of course you can't because deep down you are a little… upset over the whole thing because you think that she lied to you as well and as she would say technically she did."

Sam blinked at the librarian. He had been rendered speechless since the librarian was known to ramble but in short terse sentences and one worded answers. To have a meaningful conversation with him was unheard of. "I'm not mad at her," he said.

"Are you so certain? After a year in Purgatory and still you want to go down this route?"

"Damn you Sherlock. I should gank your ass."

"Be my guest Nanny," Sherlock jeered, "I certainly would like a respite from eternity. I still don't get how she lasted all these years."

Sam glared at Sherlock. As much as he would enjoy punching the living daylights out of the librarian, he found himself listening to him on certain things. He did ask him for help for another issue and they hadn't figured that one out yet. He glanced in the direction that she had gone and checked his watch. It was getting late.

"Well this has been an enlightening conversation. Now if you'll excuse me, I have research. I swear it would go over so much easier if I could interview a survivor," Sherlock replied as he picked up his book.

Sam frowned at him, "You're still…?"

"You asked for help Nanny. I admit is it a challenge and one I aim to see through. Few of them these days. More time for that than experiments." Sherlock turned and left to head for his alcove in the library. Neither Winchester had a clue as to where he actually slept but they could always find him in the library. "Maybe I'll delve into Section M again."

Sam stared at the librarian as he ambled away. He never thought that the man would keep at the problem he was trying to solve when it became clear that there appeared to be no solution at the moment. While they weren't exactly best of friends, Sam respected the man. "You are a crazy asshole but…"

"Don't just stand there. Get to it."

Sam shook his head trying to remember why he ever thought a pleasant thought about the librarian. He looked in the direction she had gone and took a breath. She was still upset over the whole grace thing Castiel did. He wasn't that dumb. He thumbed the book he had been reading and holding and thought for a moment.

~0~0~

I am a miserable old bat.

It was easy to self-berate since often one could come up with all the reasons why they were a screw up. It also made for poor nights of sleep and it didn't help that it was also plagued by nightmares. Sam was unaware of those thoughts as he stole into the darkened room. He felt like a pervert and a thief but considering other alternatives, they didn't seem prospective in terms of success.

He had only been in the room once and that was when they moved in. Neither him nor Dean were able to open it and kicking the door down wasn't an option. It was another 'what the hell' moment when she walked up to the door and ran her first finger along the middle and said something and the door opened. It was then made clear how well she knew the Men of Letters and it seemed that she was friends with them since they gave her a place to stay. She hadn't used it since unlocking it preferring to be in his room and now…

The sleeping figure shivered even though her back was to him and she looked like she was as far away from the door as possible. He hesitated and waited to see if she would wake up and that was a different situation that he wasn't sure he was equipped to handle even though Castiel healed him completely. It didn't matter that the angel spilled the beans that she was undernourished since Sam knew she could kick his ass if she had a hand tied behind her back and was bleeding out. Yet he felt his throat swallow as he watched her twitch.

Dreams and nightmares come from the same place and you can always tell the nightmares…

"And what has you so scared in your sleep Angie?" Sam couldn't help but murmur as he braved walking in. He figured it had to be bad given the way that she was twitching and wondered if she was going to sleepwalk again.

Keeping an eye on her movements, Sam eased up to the bed and debated on if he was a crazy ass or just… he didn't know if there was a level beyond crazy. All he knew was that they were hardly normal to be doing normal things then again… ignoring the myriad of thoughts going through his head, Sam looked at the sleeping figure and without hesitation, he slowly pulled up the covers and bent to give her a kiss.

It was his intention to just 'tuck' her in. He had no intention of doing anything further since he wanted to start out slow and easy. As he turned to leave though, he paused. The spontaneous mental argument of about how many times they had done something like this and it ended up in a near disaster unless they came out and said it. Another part of him longed to touch her; in short he was as lonely and he missed her and it was more agonizing than being pissed with her. Yeah he was a little miffed that she played along with Dean but from his understanding she made her displeasure be known and in the end she did what she did for him.

Ignoring his intention and obeying the impulse, Sam turned on his heel and headed back towards the bed. He tried not to wake her as he climbed onto it to lay behind her. He went with it and wrapped his arm around her middle and gave a slight squeeze and maneuvered his head to nuzzle that part of her neck that sloped to her shoulder. He whispered, "I'm not mad at you Angie. I know what you did and I would do the same for you."

He didn't want to wake her up since she had settled down from her nightmare when he wrapped his arm around her waist. Now she started moving and he froze, a sheer moment of panic at what he was doing. He should have just stuck to the original plan which included a full meal that would be easy on her stomach and maybe she would let him in to talk. That was the safe route and here he was risking her probably kicking him out. He started to move and back away.

Suddenly her hand covered the one wrapped around her waist. Sam paused as she moved his hand clenched hers towards her chest where she held it like she used to with that teddy bear of hers. Sam knew the meaning of that gesture especially when she tapped her chest twice with their coupled hands. He wasn't going anywhere anytime soon and settled back down as he was before. He listened to her breathing and adjusted his grip when she scooted so her back was pressed against his chest.

"I'm sorry."

Sam heard the whisper and adjusted to nuzzle her neck and go to sleep. He replied just as softly, "I know." He paused a moment and then added, "I'm sorry too. I missed you."

"I missed you."

Sam stared ahead into the darkness. He felt her fingers move and trace his hand. He moved his own fingers to touch hers and it was like a game of footsy only with fingers. Finally he said, "Thanks for everything and for… giving it back to me."

"It is yours since I gave it to you."

"But… you didn't have to especially after you giving your reasons about not helping extract the grace and that."

"I still love you even though I disagree."

"And I still love you even though I was a bit upset about everything." Sam sighed as he paused. He adjusted his grip on her and continued, "I can't imagine what you put up with even though I was there and in the end I'm glad at what you did."

"Playing covert spy with an angel? Dangerous combination."

"Like anything else we do?"

"Point taken." It was followed by a soft chuckle that warmed Sam's heart a little. "I guess in the end I am a worse coward than other people."

"Never, Angie," Sam affirmed as he gently kissed the slope of her neck. "After everything you've done… even with screw ups… you're a much better person than I am. It makes me want to be better."

There was silence for maybe about three minutes. Sam knew she was thinking about what he had said or she had fallen back asleep. The gentle intakes of breath were hardly an indicator of either action. Finally she said, "You make me want to be better; better about being a person. Just as I meant when…"

Sam felt his fingers brush her ring finger and the ring he gave her. He hummed a bit as he smiled feeling the contours of his pledge to her. In his opinion she didn't need to be better; she was the better person considering everything that happened from that point. He didn't voice it though since she clearly thought that he was worth the time and effort no matter what he thought or anyone said. If anything she was always straight with everything she said and as he had told her, everything worth saying and doing came from her heart.

Sam was pulled from his musings when he felt her lips press where he knew the faint scar on his knuckle was. Things were okay for now. There were still some bumpy issues up ahead but now one thing was settled. Kissing her again on that sensitive spot he claimed Sam settled in behind her and drifted off to sleep, each holding onto each other and resolving to never let go.

A/N: Gadreel has been expelled and Sam had grace extracted but are things really okay? Just a little bit of fluff between Sam and Angie over what happened. Enjoy.