I know. I literally just posted, but this was sitting in my docs and I thought, well, why not? I know people aren't as into the Shepards as before, but I hope this is fine anyways.
"Somebody broke me once
Love was a currency
A shimmering balance act
I think that I laughed at that..."
Her eyes are the first thing I notice, or maybe it's her laugh, which is booming and loud and heartily filling the room, kind of like her Dad's in that way. It sounds a million miles away from me, much less from the same room, the same...I look around me...diner. How can Marlene be glowing, her cheeks reddened as though her laughter could physically squeeze her skin, while I feel like such shit? How could she and her brothers, sitting tables away from me, be so carefree, so goddamn happy, while I'm like this, while I'm here, alone, my knuckles bruised and my own cheeks bloody?
I notice, out of the corner of my eyes, people looking up at me nervously from their tables, shifty-eyed, talking to one another, like they think I'm going to rob the place. It doesn't bother me like it usually would have. I make a point to smile at one of the older ladies, who flinches backwards because of the blood from my split lip.
I move to leave because if I'm honest, seeing her is just too much...pain? Nausea? A combination of emotions so intense I want to faint? Whatever it is, she just meant too much to me, for sure, when I used to know her. If I think about it, she was just a load of trouble - I mean, who wants a broad that cries and doesn't want you fighting and doesn't sleep with you until you've been together for at least two years? Not me. I'd rather go to hell, to prison, or rot someplace, than have to be -
Her eyes lock with mine and I lose any fucking thought in my head. Man alive, what was I thinking? She's perfect. She's sincere and strong and kind and everything I want to be. And she always felt so right in my arms, her hands so soft and her neck having the permanent smell of vanilla. I don't care if I sound like a pansy or an idiot, she also made me feel fucking safe, and loved, and whatever the fuck I thought I didn't need before I was in her life. She was gone for a while, out of my life, I mean, for three years, and I didn't know where else to find it...'love'. Love that isn't tainted by everything that has strained and strangled and beat the living shit out of every sense of trust that fucks over me and Tim and Angel.
The worst of it was having her face in my mind, whenever something small reminded me of her, like a girl with silky, straight, walnut colored hair who tied it half up and half down walking down the street, or the taste of lemons, or the rampant, noisy, wildly quick sound of footsteps that for all the world could have been an excited puppy.
She's so perfect it's tearing me up, making my head spin like some sort of tsunami that destroys everything as it strengthens, which is what happened: my fingers are numb, chest so heavy it aches, my legs are shaking like I need to piss or I'm eighty feet in the air, and my mouth, my stupid mouth, hangs open. So when her eyes meet mine, I stay there, trapped with all my emotions and feeling that physically takes control with no hope of me moving until she turns away.
Tell me to fuck off, I think. Come on over and tell me to go to hell. It would make this easier. So much easier to leave, to hate you, to finally move on.
The light mood drains from her face, joy vanished and laughter cut short. Her brothers are going to notice in a second who she's looking at, but for that second, I really am imprisoned, in a weird, stupid way, but it doesn't matter because this second belongs to us, to me and her, and all the history we have hangs between us, a force that holds us together.
She stands up, and I see her mouth my name, and I think I would have rather rotted somewhere than not have heard her say it again. Ponyboy seems to realize what's going on, and he used to be my buddy, but I know what with all that happened, even he doesn't think his sister should be anywhere near me. It hurts, in a twisted way, sort of like a little punch in my gut, 'cause I know I deserve it, but he was the main brother to defend me back in the day, and if he's gripping his sister's arm, trying to get her to sit back down, then I can't even imagine what the other two are going to do.
I gulp, not able to move, still mesmerized by whatever it is that made her so damn different years ago, when it wasn't the first time I'd met her, but it felt like the first time I'd known her.
When she's so close to me, enough that I can be sure that she's real and not some blurry, twisted formation warped by my eyes, I make a damn point of trying to say something right. All we've shared, all our memories and troubles and hopes squeeze between us, and it seems far too vast of a thing for it to not overwhelm me. I think of the last time I saw her, and I can tell by the fierce look in her eyes that she is, too, by the tears that angrily fill them. I know it's not all rage, though, because I have seen Marlene Curtis drowning with emotion, and like me, it seems to all spill out at once until we both need to struggle for air. I remember the first time I saw her like that, and it's as though that devastated fifteen year old girl has merged with the beautiful, trembling woman in front of me now.
x
I didn't hate the sight of blood. Everyone got into fights sometimes - a rumble, even, when enough people were pissed off. I ain't got a problem with hurting people, which shows if you pay attention to the things I've done. I ain't no damn saint and I never will be. Sometimes it's downright delightful, seeing some asshole get what he deserves.
But this? Shit, this was wrong. This wasn't on purpose. And, yeah, maybe I did fuckin' feel bad about it, even if she was starting to raise herself up. On bloody hands. Fuck.
"Marlene?" I kneeled down next to her, watching her slowly raise her head, squinting at me against the street lamp light. "Shit, Curtis, I ain't mean to harm ya."
She was still looking at me, and we held each other's gaze for a second, me studying her and her staring at me...blankly. Maybe she fell down harder than I thought - she'd ran into me, literally ran into me, and it being so dark, I hadn't noticed her until it was too late.
Jesus, I hope she ain't hurt too bad. She's got a big brother at least twice my size and I know damn well that he'd skin me alive if I so much as touched his sister. And I sorta did hope she was okay. She'd fallen pretty sharply, legs and elbows scraping the pavement.
"Marlene?" I tried again.
She burst into tears.
I gaped, not expecting that in the slightest, just kneeling down next to her, watching her cries get harder, not knowing what to do. I weakly patted the top of her head, and then immediately regretted it, since it was matted and sweaty. I decided to say something, and once I did, it was like I couldn't stop babbling.
"It really hurt that bad? Shit, shit, shit. Man, I'm sorry. Let me- oh, no, never mind. Hey, what are you doing?" She was picking up a rock. "Are you gonna use that? Marlene, fuck, cut it out!"
It was like she'd lost her mind. She grabbed the rock, threw it at a traffic light, but missed and skimmed the side. Then, attempting another try, she reached again, aimed, and really was gonna try again until I'd stopped her.
I'd grabbed her wrists. She looked at me, as if she hadn't really payed attention to me before, her cries slowing down, so that she was only sniffling. It felt like a decade, at least. I didn't know what the hell her problem was. Her hair stuck to the corners of her face, all sweaty.
"What…?" I couldn't say it any other way. "What the fuck?"
She was calming down. Finally realizing what she was doing. Jesus. "I…" she took a rattling breath. "I don't know." She looked down. "I don't know. I don't know, I don't know…"
She kept repeating it, voice getting more and more weary, eyes tearing up again. But I couldn't take another tantrum, risking getting picked up by some cops because Marlene fuckin' Curtis decided to break down and damage property in the process. I'd told Tim that I would try to lay low for a while, since he kept getting pissed at me for never being home.
I shook her shoulders a bit, making her round, brown eyes look at me. She had really long eyelashes, I'd noticed. "Is it because you fell?"
"No...no. It's my parents...my parents...they…"
"They what?" I wanted for her to continue.
She took a shaky breath. "They…"
I didn't get a proper response, though I eventually found out what had happened. But, at that moment, all I knew was that she'd coughed, and puked all over me.
Okay, just in case it's confusing, the second part (where there's an 'x') shows that time that Curly is talking about, where he, years ago, felt like he'd gotten to 'know her the first time'. So, it goes back in time to the beginning. I made it past tense so hopefully it's not too confusing. Also, "Don't Take The Money" is a song by The Bleachers! :)