Mac counted.
One, two , three , four…
Yeah that's four ways he could've changed the outcome of this mission, make that five. If he'd been quicker, thought faster then maybe it wouldn't of been such a close call, they still made it out he supposed. But that wasn't good enough, lucky today but who's to say that would happen tomorrow? If anything Maddy had ever said stuck with him, then It was her comments on luck in their first evaluation. She was right, and although she was coming to trust his improvising more that didn't mean he could let it slip. His own life, he could risk-
A murmur arose from one sleeping Jack Dolton, startling MacGyver's pacing. Mac's eyes racing over Jack's form for any possible missed injuries or starting nightmares. But the delta soon settled. Jack looked peaceful.
Jack.
That was a life he couldn't risk. His own, sure. But Jack's never, that just couldn't happen. The thought had Mac's eyes stinging again. Okay not thinking about that one.
Six, that's six ways he could've done it, then maybe Jack wouldn't be sporting the bruises that he is now.
Mac's knuckles came to fist into his eyes as his mind kept circling back to Jack, the physical action trying to slow his spiralling thoughts. His pacing resumed at a more urgent pace.
Jack had watched his back for so long, but who had Jack's back? Sure Mac did, of course. But he couldn't fight like Jack, he couldn't support like Jack did. Jack had a way with the heart like no one else, saw through Mac like he thought nobody ever could. One thing was for sure, Mac had never deserved somebody like Jack, he knew the man cared for him, and he appreciated all the memories they'd shared together but Mac could never repay Jack. Sure Mac tried, if Jack needed somebody to cry to, or punch at then Mac would always be first to volunteer, but it wasn't enough.
A lone tear slid down his cheek as Mac tried to reign it in, his throat aching at the emotion held there. The fear that what one day may happen to Jack too strong, that MacGyver would make a mistake, like he was close to making today and it would be all his fault that a brother like Jack was gone from the world. The world that was only better with him in it.
Murdoc had shown him what the darkness could feel like, Nikki had left him with an apology that felt heartless, Thornton committed betrayal of the highest form and his dad was gone – had always been gone, so why did it still hurt so much? He didn't need him, in fact Mac knew It would be weird if his dad was a part of his life now, so why couldn't he let it go? Every terrified face he'd ever seen, every death, all that blood, all that hate. It made Mac feel sick. Anxiety thrumming through him, fingers fidgeting at his sides – where was a paperclip when you needed one? – Breathe, just -Oh god, he couldn't breathe. His chest, his lungs. He couldn't –
"Take a breath Mac" A hand on his chest, a warm voice.
"J'ck?"
"Yeah kid, c'mon now, it's ok."
"No Jack, no – don't…" Mac struggled as Jack's hands moved to grip his shoulders. He met his partner's eyes, unable to conceal the fear within them.
"No can do, buddy." Jack tried, gripping tighter. But no this wasn't fair, Mac couldn't do this right now – tears escaping without his permission, thoughts swirling without his control. Mac hated feeling out of control, and now Jack was here to watch it all – and oh fuck he couldn't-
"Mac. What did I just tell you? Breathe, breathe deep for me kid." Jack didn't mean to snap but this was all wrong, Mac's eyes were squeezed shut, tears starting to stream from his eyes as his chest heaved. Jack felt Mac's hands grip his forearms, not pushing away but grasping for a lifeline. With each quickening, shallow breath Jack realised he was only losing MacGyver to the kids own mind.
"Oh no no, come on, talk to me Mac, I'm here. You're okay. We're okay."
"Jack, I can't, c'- "More breaths interrupted Mac's speech.
"C'mere." Jack didn't hesitate anymore, MacGyvers aversion to physical contact be damned, he wrapped his arms around the kid, tucking Mac's head under his chin. "Listen up – It's okay, you read me partner?"
But Mac wasn't listening, he was struggling, he couldn't do this to Jack, he didn't deserve this. His lungs burned. His thoughts didn't even make sense anymore, his vision spotted with black.
"Woah Angus stop, you're gonna pass out." Jack held on tighter, feeling Mac's heart between them beating at the speed of light. "Now listen to me, feel my breaths, listen to my heart." Jack commanded and started to over exaggerate his breathing. Pushing the boy into his chest so he could copy Jack.
Mac's anxious struggling had stopped by now- the kid's hands instead fisted at the front of Jack's t-shirt, as the older man's arms closed fully around him.
"We're going in for three out for four, okay?" Jack started quietly, with Mac latching onto the order and attempting to force his body to comply "That's it kid, just like that." Jack continued like this, mummering quietly to his partner. It was a struggle and Mac's rugged breaths filled the silence for a while, but Jack wasn't giving up.
"I'm so, s- , so sorry" Mac whispered into Jack's chest.
"Shh Mac"
"But-"
"Uh-uh … Three things you can see." Jack pressed, feeling Mac's possible panic rising again.
"Wha-?"
"Tell me, three things you can see buddy." Jack affirmed, his chin coming to rest upon Mac's head, relaxing into their embrace more now that Mac wasn't about to pass out.
"Um-" Mac started, a choked tone "Your t-shirt, the f-floor, my fingers."
"Good, two things you can hear?"
"Your voice, the uh the plane engine."
"One thing you can feel." Jack felt Mac's fingers rub his cotton t-shirt together as Mac answered "Your t-shirt." Unsure as to why this small gesture warmed his heart so much Jack breathed in deep, closing his eyes and savouring the rare time he had to be close to Mac.
"Great job buddy."
A few sniffles came out from the form by his chest, Jack realising that as breath was no longer in the way Mac's tears were flowing freer then before. His t-shirt starting to feel damp.
"Hey Mac?" Jack said drawing out of their hold "Wanna sit down?"
Mac slipped easily out of his grip, gaze down as another set of tears fell from his lashes.
"I'm so sorry Jack, you don't need – you've already done enough." Mac stumbled over his words, surprising Jack because Mac's brain always kept up.
"Nah I'm not done just yet." Jack smiled reassuringly, taking MacGyver's wrists and guiding them both down to the seats, noting that Mac although now calm, still shook slightly.
"Now why don't you tell me what that was about, hey kiddo? What brought that on?" Jack spoke warmly but tried to get straight to the point, it was unusual for Mac to have his guard down for this long and he didn't know how much longer it would last.
"Nothing, Jack – I don't even know- it's stupid."
"Well I know for sure that it wasn't any of those things for a start." Jack's eyes searched his partner's face "You can talk to me man, that right there was serious, people don't just have panic attacks."
Jack's concerned gaze froze Mac to the spot. A beat of silence.
"Please just stop worrying, please I-"Mac spilled
"You what?"
"I" A breath "I don't deserve it." Mac whispered the confession, tone coated in guilt.
"Mac, what on earth? No, no ." Jack huffed, baffled "That's not true, at all." But Mac could only shake his head, a tear dripping off his nose.
Jack reached forward, hand grasping the back of Mac's neck squeezing slightly.
"Brother, I can't tell you how far off the mark you are – you tryna' tell me that you aren't worth my worry? I'm sorry but bottom line Mac you don't get a say in that. Whatever you think, I've decided that you, Angus MacGyver, are 100% worth my worry. You are worth my time, thoughts and care." Jack explained, holding a deep gaze with Mac as he did so. This was important he was going to make sure it went into the kid's brain.
"But you'll get hurt, like today, I-i won't be quick enough and then you'll be gone, or you'll wish you never—"
"Stop Mac, stop. Breathe."
To his credit he did, eyes searching Jack's face.
"It's me and you till the end now, if that means I'm injured so be it. The only place I'm going to be is by your side, I don't care about anything else; surely you get that?"
"I-yes, yes of course. I couldn't work with anyone else Jack, I wouldn't. Wouldn't even want to. You're my brother in everything – not just work."
The honest confession caught Jack by surprise, he smiled at his partner.
"Well I sure am glad 'bout that because you're gonna have to put up with me for a long while yet."
"There's nothing to put up with, I wouldn't change a thing." Mac reassured. Again, Jack smiled, ruffling Mac's hair. "The same goes to you kiddo."
Mac's lips quirked up as he swiped at Jack's hand and quickly smoothed his hair back down, fingers rubbing at his red eyes, Jack was suddenly all too aware of how young he looked.
"Is that what brought this on? You get a bit stuck thinking about today's mission?"
Mac nodded, clearing his throat "It's silly, saying it now but today just summed up a month that's pretty much sucked."
"Mmm, Murdoc, Thornton, Nikki… We have had quite the month, I'm not surprised it's piled up." Jack agreed, he should've seen this coming.
"Don't do that Jack, it's not your fault I didn't deal with it." Mac flipped, switching now to his concerned face.
Holding his hands up in surrender, Jack laughed "Alright you got me, you freaky mind reader."
Mac huffed but smiled at his friend, feeling shaky but lighter, his eyes were puffy and his nose runny. His head hurt, and he felt so goddamn tired. But Jack was sat, smiling in front of him, he wouldn't leave – not even at a time where MacGyver doubted in himself.
"Don't be thinking this is over, we are definitely talking later, specifically about someone not placing so much self-blame… Just, get some sleep kid, you look like shit." Jack pushed a blanket into MacGyver's arms, hand paused on his shoulder.
"You looked in a mirror recently have you?" Mac retorted cheekily, nodding to Jack – a silent message, he was okay.
"Oh Haha, you know full well there aren't any mirrors on board this thing… Looks like I'll just stay right here, now come on, goodnight bud." Jack replied, somehow understanding Mac's unwillingness to be alone.
"Thanks Jack… I don't say it enough but thank you." MacGyver forced himself through the uncomfortable sentiment. This was too important.
"Always, brother. Always."
And if Jack sat right by the kid as he slept, fingers carding through his hair and smoothing out frown lines then who was to know? This was a bond, a bond between brothers.