The raven head kneeled down to the ground to place a few cherry blossoms on the bleak dry land where the little stone lay. Red eyes looked monotonously at the little stone not giving away any emotion as he relived the memories surrounding the little grave. Rain fell softly soaking up the little branch of blossoms as well as the harsh ground tenderly as if to compensate for the informants lack of expressiveness.

The informant's expression didn't falter in anyway as he put the hood of fur jacket up to protect himself from the rain, only letting out a soft 'tsk' while doing so. He stayed there uprooted to the ground for twenty minutes with a huge weight crushing and pushing down on his heart until the hollowness was too suffocating. Pausing to give the grave a second glance Izaya walked back out of the deserted field (it was actually more of a deserted area of a park with withering trees) and walked back to the city of Shinjuku to distract himself by observing his precious humans.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Shizuo POV xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Jeez where the hell is that annoying flea at this hour? It's getting dark for fuck's sake" The blond bodyguard growled in annoyance upon the absence of the raven haired informant. Taking his shoes the ex-bartender rubbed his aching shoulders from the long day at, his body stiff at having to uproot several street signs. Today had been a particularly gruelling day for Shizuo as most of the clients ended being the craziest jackasses he had seen in a while.

Moving sluggishly into the spacious apartment in Shinjuku the ex-bartender settled on the plush black couch, a sigh escaping from his lips as he finally got to relax his tired legs. Still slightly worried about his late crimson eyed lover he reached out for his phone but before he could look into his speed dial something suddenly hit him.

The date. 8/12/14….

The blond ex bartender's eyes widened in realization as to why Izaya had suddenly disappeared. His eyes turned sombre as he walked into their shared bedroom in the apartment and digging into the closets and drawers, desperately trying to find the object of his desire.

He sighed as he finally came across a torn up cardboard box which looked years old even though it was only three years old. Making his way to the bed he started performing his rituals that took place on this sacred day, this death anniversary. The blond opened the box with shaky fingers to reveal the content of the box. Several glossy and well maintained pictures came into view as the bodyguard picked them up gingerly as if they were as delicate as their content. A new born.

"Masao…" A barely audible whisper could be heard from the blonde's lips as he delicately flipped through the pictures, eyes glazing over in something akin to regret, emptiness and desire. Sighing once more he reached to stroke the date on top of the pictures. 8/12/13 was the date of almost all of them. They were a sole reminder of a year ago, everything else seemed to have faded, this being the only reminder to the blond of his mistakes.

The door being shoved open quietly brought the ex-bartender out of his revere as he shoved the lid back on the box before putting it into the piles of clothes again.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Izaya xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Although he tried to best to be as quiet as possible it seemed that his blond lover noticed his return and came to greet him solemnly. The raven haired informant braced himself for some sort attack or remark about the time and how late he was but no sound came from the normally irritable protozoan.

Shizuo regarded him at the doorway with tired yet curious eyes as the smaller male took his shoes off and silently stalked into the room with blank eyes walking over to nowhere in particular and not even bothering to acknowledge his tall lover. It was always like this on this day. Normally Izaya would stroll into the house with a grin on his face proceeding to tease his 'Shizu-chan' only to dodge a smack and receive a snide remark from the blond. But today and for the preceding years before none of them said as much as a word to each other worried that it would only cause tension in their riled up state.

After making it to the bathroom the raven head filled the bath with scalding hot water and got in not caring if it hurt or burned as it provided a good distraction from his wild thoughts.

Meanwhile the blond ex bartender sighed and decided to be the one to make the meal tonight as Izaya didn't even look capable of speaking or functioning properly anymore. After cooking a fairly simple meal he sat at the table smoking waiting for the smaller man to emerge. Finally after a painfully numb hour, he approached the table, didn't even glance at Shizuo or the food and started to eat. The bodyguard followed suit in silence. This meal definitely got worse every year and Shizuo would definitely label this as the most tenuous meal he ever had.

After finishing the black haired man put down his chopsticks mechanically and left the table, leaving the dishes to the blond. Sighing irritably while reaching for another smoke the bodyguard had no choice but to clean up after the other male.

Robotically again Izaya made his way to his bedroom changing into his pyjamas and hoping to get a good dreamless sleep without any dreams.

"Hey..." Shizuo finally managed to utter out in a strangled voice. Snapping out of his thoughts Izaya sneaked a surprised look at his blond. Their hearts connected as their eyes met. Golden orbs mirrored the emotions in red ones. Anger, grief and regret.

"Did you…..you know want to…do the usual thing…we do…" the bodyguard stammered. The red eyed man slammed into him a second after those words left his lips and they both locked into a passionate embrace both of them enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. It was always like this on the eighth of December since three years ago. Izaya would visit the little makeshift grave of their loss while Shizuo would look stare at the pictures for at least an hour. And when the two met they hardly spoke, let alone looked at each other. Even though the pair had gotten together 2 years ago and had learned to get over their hatred it was as if this day brought them back to the past making for an uncomfortable atmosphere swimming with guilt and anger. There was one light at the end of the tunnel though, when the night would settle down they always locked into a passionate embrace in bed. Nothing happened, in fact none of them even spoke a word but the presence of each other was comforting and helped the duo get into a good mood in the morning.

This though was the first time Shizuo ever spoke of it. And the fact that he did told Izaya that something different was happening this year, something he would probably not like very much.

Returning the smaller male's embrace, the strongest man in Ikebukuro lifted his lover, placing him on the bed before pulling away. Izaya eyes went wide as the blond let him go, they only grew wider as a soft kiss was placed on his lips. The informant looked up at Shizuo again the curiosity very evident in his eyes.

"Listen…" Shizuo hesitated, still unsure about what he was about to do. Izaya just stared at him curiously, a bit of fear subconsciously hidden beneath the red orbs.

"We…" he said before clearing his throat. "We….. w-we…" he couldn't quite get the words out before taking one deep breath. "We really need to move on from this…" The blond finally choked out before looking down. The informant just stared at him confusion and disbelief painted all over his face.

"We need to stop this…and mov"-

"Stop what?" Izaya finally spoke and when he did his voice came out as a cracked whisper. I need a drink, he thought to himself; it was strange for him to act so confused and…scared.

"Move on" The smaller man mulled over the words for a second before the meaning finally sunk in and when it did he felt like he had been hit with a ton of bricks. His breath had been knocked out of him and he gasped out loud.

"Look it's been three years…..and I know that maybe it's not long enough to get over someone's death but you have to accept it. Masao….your son, no our son is gone from this world and it's been three years since then…"

Izaya was quiet for a few seconds before flying into red hot rage. He glared and Shizuo first, then pushed the blond roughly which resulted in him having his back to the wall.

"Don't remind me of that you stupid protozoan!" He yelled, red eyes alight with anger.

"If I don't address the situation, you'll ignore it completely again!" Shizuo retorted getting up on his elbows while pain flashed across his face. Izaya started to feel a little guilt well in his heart but he ignored it. He thought over Shizuo's words again and while indeed they made sense, they battled mercilessly with his own heart. Orihara Izaya's heart hadn't been in such an inner turmoil ever since…..well, he got pregnant.

"What so I can't even have a day to myself to grieve over someone that I only recently lost. Just because you weren't involved in it as much as I was and just because you could have cared less about our son and thought of him as a stupid accident doesn't give you the right to dictate my feelings!" Izaya finished panting from his loud rant. Shizuo was in slight shock the informant was not someone who lost his temper so easily and if it was something emotional, the one to blow their steam first would be the blond. But this was a sensitive topic for him, Shizuo remembered. It was something taboo because it was something the raven haired man had dwelled on and probably didn't even want to move on from because it was probably the first time Orihara Izaya, the best informant in Tokyo, the man who put himself above humans, had cared about.

When he first found out about his unexpected pregnancy, he was livid and the solution to his anger seemed so easy. Abortion, adoption or even an accidental miscarriage were the solutions he thought off but he chose none of them as his mind, clouded with hormones and a charade of emotions could accept none of those. But in the end even when he was happy with his choices, fate was awful to him and took away the small miracle bestowed upon him.

"You only saw him for what a day, a few hours minus the pictures you keep looking at to remind yourself!" Shizuo winced, those were supposed to be a secret from the raven head.

"Look I know you didn't know him well enough to grieve over him but….try to understand for my sake" The bodyguard's eyes turned cloudy as the words sunk in deep. It was true that when Izaya first got pregnant he had refused to accept it. But that was simply because he couldn't comprehend the fact that a man could be pregnant. Besides it was not like until Izaya had given birth that he finally knew of Shinra and his dad's company's involvement. Yet the informant was very right, he had hardly known Masao a few hours before he died while the informant had given birth to him looked after him for a few months before he met his end. For a moment the ex-bartender's will to make the informant forget about the past declined. He even had to remind himself of the times Izaya had grieved and how much it hurt him as well as the others.

"Izaya you didn't grieve after he died" The blond said maliciously, his eyes hidden by his golden locks. "You destroyed yourself" He watched as an unreadable expression crossed over the informants face. "The cutting, the self-starvation, the medication you abused" Izaya's face had shame evident on it by now. "Don't say that's grieving to me anymore!" he growled angrily. "You just lost it after that and your insanity has taken hold of you every day since then. You say that you only grieve at this date every year and yet that is probably the biggest lie you have told yourself. You only show your insanity and sadness on this day, the other days you hide it so well, very well but remember not everything can be hidden forever. Especially these scars!" He yelled again while pulling at the raven's sleeves. He gasped and tried to pull the bodyguard's hands away but seeing the blond monster's strength it was futile.

"Look!" He said after yanking up his sleeves high enough to reveal all of the swallow yet frequent scars. The freshest ones were not yet closed and seemed a lot deeper than the rest. "These are fresh! You did this today didn't you!" He said pointing roughly at the newest ones. After seeing Izaya wince in pain at his touch, he loosened his grip, not wanting to hurt the flea much but he still made sure to keep a firm grip. The raven haired informant fumed but couldn't help but look away from the ugly scars, they were a sign of his weakness, something he wasn't ready to accept just yet.

"Don't look away from them!" The blond shouted again. The smaller man beside him was shaking slightly, very slightly as he looked away. After getting no response for over 30 seconds, he whispered in a broken voice. "Just tell me why? Why someone like you would do this to yourself?" Izaya's eyes finally regained emotion after those words were said and he stood there very still thinking things through.

"You what the funny thing is Shizuo?" Izaya whispered breathily while the blond man growled in disagreement. "I don't even know, myself…" was his answer. Shizuo immediately froze in shock not knowing how to respond to something like this. There were mixed emotions in his heart; anger, disappointment and just a smidgen of relief. Anger that he didn't seek any help or answers and kept going at his own pace, disappoint because he was back here at square one again trying to make him stop and just a slight bit of relief that all the hurt he and everyone else had been receiving wasn't intentional.

"But…..after what…you said…it made me realize something…" Shizuo head jerked up at that as he hadn't expected the informant to reply back, hell he even didn't think he'd been getting an answer any time soon.

"What is it?" Shizuo's lifeless eyes regained some emotion after getting some new found hope after the confession. However as soon as he said that the raven head completely drifted off into his own world, his eyes glazed dully. The blond shook him, exasperated now that they were so close to the answer, this whole lie was so close to ending and he was so close to helping Izaya close the wound in his heart and yet the informant just shut himself off right at the most crucial moment. Shizuo's anger began to boil up, a few strong punches were delivered to the smaller of the two but even as Izaya stumbled back onto the floor his red eyes seemed dead. Shizuo wanted to break everything in the goddamned apartment, he didn't know what else to do and part of him feared that Izaya would be lost forever in his mental hell. Even though he hated this guy for years before this, he wanted Izaya back, wanted him happy and healthy, so he did the only thing he could think of.

Leaning down to clutch the raven's thin shoulders, he whispered "Izaya, I want to help you…" into his ears. Those words seemed to blow back the life into Izaya and when his confused red eyes saw for the first time he was confronted with pleading golden eyes which were so filled with honesty it made him choke and his own eyes slightly blurry.

"Shizu-chan" were the first words he had croaked out after his daze, his throat sounding incredibly dry at that.

"What's the problem?" Shizuo asked in a rather desperate voice.

"The…prob….lem…..is" The ravenhead stuttered. He frowned. For some strange reason he couldn't quite get the words out right. Diziness and slight daze were taking over his senses making it a little harder to breathe. The ex-bartender noticed his lover's state and decided to do something to ease the situation a little.

"W-w-what are y-you doing?!" Questioned the alarmed informant as he felt 2 strong arms carry him down to the bedroom.

"Making it a little easy for you to breathe" said the blonde after a moment of contemplating. He set Izaya down on the bed gently, as if just a single jerk could break him. The next thing he did surprised the already confused raven, he put his arms around Izaya and breathed in his hair. The raven haired informant was overwhelmed by all the emotion radiating off the blonde, he just wanted to except it, to cherish the love that he gave him but guilt held him back, guilt of the past three years as well as now for not being able to tell him the reason for everything. It was his turn to surprise the blonde by giving him back the same amount of trust.

"Shizu-chan the reason I started cutting myself…overdosing on pills…and as well as other things…." Izaya started, confusing the protozoan by his premature confession. "It was just because I couldn't accept it. Not just his death but that my life had went back to its usual way, it felt so strange as if I was trying to get back what I lost but I obviously couldn't" Shizuo's eyes went a little wide after this. Izaya couldn't accept the fact that his life had gone back to normal, but that was what he wanted when he first got pregnant, wasn't it. Sure Shizuo hadn't been involved in the pregnancy at all but he was told by Shinra about his desperation to get an abortion as well as his lack of care about it, which led to him not taking much of his prenatal vitamins. So why was the man who didn't give a damn about his pregnancy, enough to weaken his child now caring so much about it?

Izaya smiled sadly midway through the talk. "I think you know that I didn't take the news of the pregnancy very well, infact I tried to ignore it as long as I could. Of course, I did, how could someone like me who deals with Yakuza and other dangerous people take care and have a kid. There's also the fact that some my clients aren't that sensitive about personal issues. If they found me out to be a homosexual I'd lose a lot of business. Shitty reason but it seemed valid at the time" The informant's ruby eyes gained a dazed sheen as he spoke. "I not only ignored the pregnancy but the symptoms beforehand. The morning sickness, the fatigue, the moodiness and etc. I thought it would just go like a bug so I found out when I was four months in, I guess and you probably know my reaction. I just freaked out and said outright that I needed an abortion" The sheen on his eyes seemed to get glossier but the blonde couldn't figure out why. "Of course it was way too late then, and I still couldn't accept it. It didn't seem real enough, even though I finally knew that it was the cause of a drug, it seemed like a dream, a nightmare at that moment. That's when I decided to tell you, to see if your protozoan mind would accept it….but of course you didn't, who would anyway? It made the situation seem more impossible and I thought that ignorance would solve the problem make it go away" Kill the baby, but of course he didn't voice that. The wet sheen on his eyes seemed more and more obvious now than ever. "I didn't take most of those vitamins, I did my usual risky stuff and you….know of course that caused a huge mess" The glaze overflowed from his eyes as fresh tears. They didn't fall too far as they were caught by tanned, large fingers on the way down the informant's pale face. The tears were a pained reminder of the news 3 years 4 months ago, of the several disabilities his son had developed as a product of his ignorance and lack of care.

"After….after his birth, I felt something and I wanted to care about him, even though I had been horrible to him in my body, I wanted to give him something like love and affection to make up for it. It wasn't even all guilt, I realized that I felt something more than just interest in him than other humans and that's when I thought my life could change. I could start trying to care and love someone and not feel so distant and lonely anymore. He was just a baby I couldn't psychologically toy with him, observe him or anything like that but I wanted to be there for him and that was the first time I felt that way about a human" More tears flowed from crimson irises. "And then of course, of course that little change, that dream, that lifestyle had come to an end. It feels lonely again, dark again." Izaya was actively sobbing now, holding his face in his hands. Shizuo was as still as a statue, letting it all sink in. It was a minute later that he made his move.

"Huh" was all that came out of the crimson eyed man's mouth as warm arms encircled him.

"Baka, you seriously think that things were back to that shitty way of life, do you? If that were the case then would I be hugging you right now, comforting you trying to reach out to you every day three years onwards?" That was when the first smile in a while broke out on the informant's face. It wasn't a haughty smirk or a fake one, it was probably the most genuine smile Orihara Izaya had ever smiled and it mad Shizuo realize why he wanted the other man in his arms so much. It took the raven haired informant 3 whole years to figure out that even though he had lost the first person he had given his love to, another special someone had appeared, this time giving him more love than he had ever received.

Thin, pale arms wrapped around the blonde man's torso as Izaya finally returned his hug. They breathed in the scent of tobacco, sugar and tea, relishing in the fresh scent of each other. No words were spoken for a while and both parties didn't seem to mind, however the silence only lasted until caramel orbs met crimson. A new fire ignited through this tiny spark and soon their lips had found one another engaging in a passionate kiss. They moved eagerly into each other welcoming the new found passion that was finally discovered after three years of pity love.

"S-shizu-chan-n" Hesitated Izaya as Shizuo stripped him. The ruby eyes contained hesitance, doubt and something else. Golden eyes widened as he recognised the emotion to be fear. Of course he would be scared, the last time this was done properly was a one night stand while they both still hated each other, if you didn't count the many nights of pity and hate-sex during the three years. It was like opening a wound again but this time it would be for the better, hopefully it would finally heal this time.

A kiss was offered from the blonde to the informant again, making the fear melt away letting the passion overflow. Heated hands roamed each other's body at a fast pace while their tongues battled for dominance. Shizuo straddled Izaya on the bed before connecting their mouths again.

"Izaya….l-love you, you stupid flea" were the last words said by the blonde, before the only sound in the room was their passionate moans.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx3 years agoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Nghh Shizu-chan~ what's with the speed, are you that eager to fuck me?" asked the red-eyed informant playfully as hands roamed his bare chest, hands of his arch-nemesis to be exact.

"Shut up!" the ex-bartender growled between the bites that were being delivered to the other's neck. "If any one's eager here, it would be you"

"Ah~ q-quite the rough one you are, ne Shizu-chan~" he moaned with pleasure as the bites and licks got closer and closer to a particular area, in very much need of the blonde's rough mouth. Here in Shinjuku, in Izaya's apartment, one of the strangest events were occurring. The strongest man in Ikebukuro here was engaged in a very intimate activity with his said arch-nemesis to whom he harboured a very bitter hatred toward. Although in this very intimate and if I dare say loving activity, none of them seemed much different than they were on a daily basis. Shizuo was just as rough and strong in the act while Izaya did not leave his playful and seductive nature out of this.

"Oww, mind being a little gentle you damn protozoan~" Izaya remarked in a tone in-between angry and playful again.

"And why would I sacrifice my own goddamned pleasure for a flea like you. Besides, I'll use your body as a prize for the win today" smirked the blonde as the expression on the smaller man's face turned sour. For the first time in quite a while, the fight between the monster of Ikebukuro and the Shinjuku informant did not end in a draw, earning victory to the blonde bodyguard…only temporarily of course, the other would have been dead if the fight wasn't as close as it was.

"Suck it up, flea. You lost" The blond growled, his fingers prodding at the smaller man's entrance.

"Only for a day, Shizu-cha-n-n ahh~" Izaya moaned at the full feeling. "And when I do, I definitely won't be the bottom"

"I'd like to see you try, flea" he scoffed sinking the fingers in deeper as a punishment getting an inaudible mutter from the raven head, something which sounded vaguely like "damn monster". After the rather rough prepping, the blonde ex-bartender quickly proceeded to let himself into the warm tightness of Izaya, when he felt skinny arms push him back slightly.

"Ma ma*, has Shizu-chan not been taught about safe sex? Not that it would matter to an uncivilized protozoan to you, but I would like to live the rest of my life without any STDs, thank you"

"Flea, did you not know that blood-sucking parasites like you spread the most diseases? You can sure talk you damn slut" Shizuo growled.

"Shizu-chan, Hidoi*~ Just assuming stuff like that like the protozoan you ar- ahhh" Izaya moaned midway in a confusion between pain and pleasure.

"S-Shut up, damn it" The blonde groaned feeling the heat surrounding his manhood. "Nghh…besides it not like you can get pregnant or some stupid shit like that"

~END~