Just My Luck

(Not part of my normal continuity and written for the Wendip Week 2018 prompt "Typical Pines Luck")

Before the Mystery Twins had been in Gravity Falls for more than the first three days of June 2015, Mabel had found a new boyfriend.

"A fawn?" Dipper asked. "Seriously? You're going with a baby deer?"

"No, silly!" Mabel, who was preening at the mirror, said. "F-a-U-n! As in part hunky boy, part goat!" She narrowed her eyes and whispered confidentially, "He doesn't wear pants!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Dipper said. "T.M.I! And also, no. No, you cannot date this guy, thing, whatever it is—"

"He's a faun," Mabel insisted. "And his name is Raymond."

"I don't care if he's a—Raymond? Raymond is a faun's name?"

"Yup," Mabel said, changing her earrings. "He's got the cutest little hoofs, and a twitchy little tail, and these two little curly horns."

"Yeah," Dipper said grimly. "I've read in mythology that fauns were always horny! Look, you know this guy's just gonna dump you for another girl. Or maybe another goat. Take my advice and give Raymond a wide berth!"

"You're not gonna spoil this for me, Dipper!" she said. She'd settled on earrings in the shape of little gold pine trees. "Anyway, we're just going to frisk in the meadow for a while. You can come along if you want. Hey, you could do the—"

"Don't even say it! I am not doing the 'Lamby Lamby' dance. Especially for a guy whose mom may have been one!"

Dipper told Wendy, whose response was, "Mabes can take care of herself, Dip. Besides, I give the relationship two days, tops. Just wait until they have a meal together!"

He had to chuckle. "Yeah, heh. I guess a faun would be pretty disgusting to watch eat."

"Um, right," Wendy said. "The faun . . . ri-i-ight."

Next he told Ford, who said, "That's interesting. The fauns rarely come down from the tablelands below the western cliffs. I'll have to ask her to collect a hair sample for DNA analysis."

And the last resort was Grunkle Stan, who shrugged. "Meh, she'll find out soon enough the guy don't have any money, and that'll be the end of that."

When Dipper collapsed groaning into a chair, his Grunkle gave him a sharp look. "What's the matter, kid? Scared a goat-guy's gonna elope with your sis?"

"Noooo," Dipper moaned, drawing it out. "It's just that—we've been here practically no time, and she's got a date already! I asked Wendy if she might want to go see a movie with me, and she told me, 'Wait until you're old enough to drive, and then we'll talk.'"

"So, ask somebody else," Stan suggested. "Plenty of seafood in the ocean, kid!"

"Wouldn't do any good," Dipper said. "I have terrible luck with girls."

"Give me a fr'instance," Stan said. "Maybe I can help."

"Aw," Dipper said, "there was this girl, Francine, at one of the school dances, and she wasn't dancing with anybody, so I walked over, got my nerve up, and asked if she wanted to dance. She said yes."

"See, you were in luck!"

"No, because when we walked out onto the floor, she stepped into a little pool of spilled punch and her heel skidded and she sprained her ankle! Just my luck!"

"Don't sound like hers was any too good, either," Stan said. "Come on, Dipper, that was one time!"

"Another time," Dipper said, "Mabel talked this girl, Ellen, into being open if I asked her on a date. I asked her to a movie for that coming weekend, and she said yes."

"Luck turned around, see?"

"No, it did not," Dipper said. "Because the movie was on Saturday, and on Friday her dad moved the whole family away. Turns out he was in witness protection, and somebody in the family let their real last name slip."

Stan's eyes narrowed. "Realllllly? Uh, what was the name?"

"Farghandahler," Dipper said.

"Never heard of 'em. Well, it was worth a shot," Stan said. "Kid, it sounds to me that you need a good-luck charm."

"Oh, come on," Dipper said. "I don't believe in horseshoes and rabbits' feet and all!"

"Got a point there," Stan conceded. "Horseshoes were invented so hicks could beat city folks at a stupid tossing game. And if a rabbit's foot brought luck, you wouldn't be able to buy any, 'cause every rabbit's got four of 'em! Nah, I'm thinkin' along the lines of an amulet. They really work. Sometimes."

Dipper remembered Gideon's amulet of telekinesis, which did seem to work. "Worth a shot," he mumbled.

"Come with me."

Grunkle Stan led him to the stock room. Though Soos was Mr. Mystery these days, and Melody was engaged to become Mrs. Mystery soon, Stan still kept a close eye on what the Shack offered. He fiddled around in a box and then came up with something shiny. "Aha! Knew we had half a dozen of these. OK, kid, I'm gonna make you a gift of the world's most powerful good-luck charm. It comes all the way from Niue!"

"Where . . . is that?" Dipper asked. He'd never heard of it.

"Ah, somewheres near Metuchen, I think. Anywhoo, this here is a five-dollar silver piece. No kiddin', real silver, so take care of it! Look at it. See these little insets? This here is a genuine four-leaf clover from County Cork, Ireland, blessed by a priest who's also a part-time leprechaun! And this is a miniature horseshoe, actually manufactured from a real shoe once worn by Man O'War, the luckiest horse that ever ran in the Derby! This is, uh, a preserved ladybug. Not killed, it died of old age, ya understand. Ladybugs are notoriously lucky!"

"What?" Dipper asked.

"C'mon, Dip, ya never heard of one's house actually burnin' down! And last this is a little figure of a lucky elephant. With all them on your side, your luck will turn right around! You'll see! If it don't work, double your money back."

"How . . . much are you charging me?" Dipper asked.

"Nothin'! It's a free gift! Take it before I change my mind. I could sell this dealy to a sucker for fifty bucks!"

Oh, well. The silver disk had been pierced for a thong, and Stan threw a rawhide one in for free. "Word of caution," he said. "The gals go nuts for a guy who wears a thong! Don't get yourself in trouble, kid—or them, either."

Dipper put the rawhide cord around his neck. What the heck, it would either work or it wouldn't.

And Gideon really had almost cut out his tongue with lamb shears that one time.

Strangely, that night Dipper had a vivid dream of a tourist couple parking in the Mystery Shack lot. They had a cute daughter about fourteen and a little baby not more than a year old. The weird thing was that they pulled their Grand Rover van into a slot, the dad and mom and daughter got out, and they turned to take a photo of the Shack and the totem pole—and the van rolled away backwards, because the dad had evidently not put it in Park. The mom screamed as the van rolled over the edge of the hill and then fell and rolled over and over down to the forest edge, where it collided hard with a tree.

And the baby was inside.

The next morning, while chatting with Wendy at the sales desk, Dipper glanced out the window and saw a maroon Grand Rover van—exactly like the one he'd dreamed of—just pulling into the lot. "Be right back," he said to Wendy and dashed outside.

He felt creeps all over his skin—the van was parking in the exact spot that he'd dreamed of. He sprinted across the lawn and leaped over the low fence just as the mom, dad, and teen daughter got out and the dad hefted a camera. The van started to roll. Dipper leaped into the driver's seat—the dad hadn't closed the door—and jammed on the brakes, while pulling on the emergency brake handle. The mom screamed.

The dad came running up, white-faced. "What happened?"

Dipper said, "It's OK, sir. I saw the van start rolling. I think you didn't put it in Park."

The mom opened the rear door and took the baby—a cheerful little one-year-old boy who had no idea he'd been in any peril—out of his baby seat. "He's OK," she said. "Bless you!"

The father was reaching for his wallet. "How much can it—"

"No, sir," Dipper said. "Just—I don't know, pay it forward. Help out somebody who's in trouble. And enjoy the Mystery Shack!"

The dad got behind the wheel, started the engine, and pulled the car back into the parking slot. He very carefully put it in Park and set the emergency brake.

Someone tapped on Dipper's shoulder. "You can take this, anyway," the teen girl—braids, freckles, really cute—said. And she hugged him and kissed him on the mouth. "Thanks for saving my baby brother!"

Dipper realized he had an audience. Wendy and Stan had come out on the porch. "Uh, you're welcome," Dipper said.

The girl took his hand and wrote something on his palm. "My email," she said. "Get in touch with me. My name's Laramie."

"O-OK," Dipper said.

He walked back to the Shack, where Grunkle Stan clapped him on the shoulder. "Lucky you spotted that!" he said. "Saved us from losin' some customers!"

Wendy, settling back behind the counter, asked, "You know that girl, Dipper?"

"Uh, no," he said. "Just saw their van start to roll and she was, I guess grateful or some deal."

"You mean this isn't gonna be a regular thing?"

"Gosh, no! They're probably from Canada or someplace. I'll never see her again."

Wendy grinned. "Just teasing, man. Good going."

Later that afternoon, because he really couldn't think of an excuse, he went with Mabel to meet Raymond. Raymond waited for Mabel in the bonfire clearing. He seemed skittish when he saw she was not alone, but then she introduced Dipper as her twin. "I'm Alpha, though," she confided.

Well, Raymond wasn't quite what Dipper had expected. True, he had curly little horns and a crown of curly black hair. True, his ears were pointed, and his eyes had strangely slit-like pupils. And he definitely had hoofs and a strange ankle joint. However, the fur on his legs and waist and, um, that general area, was six inches long, very fluffy and shaggy, and he might as well have been wearing pants.

And he talked normal. No baaas or godawful puns, no "I'm Mr. Satyr day night" or anything like that. He seemed interested that Mabel had a brother. He wanted to know where they were from, what Dipper liked to do, why they had come to the Falls, did they like the forest, would he like to see some secluded beautiful areas, and so on.

Mabel looked increasingly uncomfortable and finally reminded Raymond, "You were gonna show me that beautiful forest pool with a cascading creek leading into it. Dipper doesn't have time, sorry." And she led him off.

In about an hour she was back, looking mad. "You win," she said. "I broke up with Raymond. I hope you're happy!"

"Hey, I didn't do anything!" Dipper said.

"Yes, you did! Raymond asked me if you were attached. He wants to date you! Lucky!"

"Tell him I'm not into guys or goats. And especially not into guy-goat combos!" Dipper said. He was beginning to think that luck had its downside.

But he tested it. The next day he asked Wendy if she'd like to go see that movie on Friday night. "I'm still not old enough to drive," he said. "But I don't mind being driven."

She grinned. "OK, Dip, just this movie. But it's no big deal, understand? Just two friends going to see a three-D earthquake movie!"

"I understand," he said. "Just friends."

But the next day Candy came over to visit Mabel and wound up telling Dipper he was really growing up to be a handsome guy, and she sat uncomfortably close to him. And a little later he went outside just to get away from her and found a wallet on the ground. He opened it and saw a drivers' license, the picture looking familiar—oh, yeah, a guy who'd gone out on the tour with a bunch of others. And speak of the devil, Soos came driving the tram back just then, and the very guy jumped off, looking anxious, and headed for his car, which he opened and checked—

"Excuse me, sir," Dipper said. "I just found this wallet. Is it yours?"

"Yes!" the guy said, looking relieved. "I must have dropped it while going out to the tram."

Dipper handed it over. "You might want to check to make sure everything's there."

The man did. "Yep, all the cards, all the money. Here you go, son." He held out a twenty.

Dipper shook his head. "I didn't want a reward, sir. My great-uncle co-owns this place, and he'd never want to make money from someone's misfortune." That was true, sort of. Of course, Stan didn't mind a bit if he made money from them any other way.

But the guy asked his name, went inside, and evidently praised him to Soos and Wendy, because they both gave him thumbs-up when he came back in. And Candy hugged him. "My Dipper is an honest and truthful man!" she announced.

Wendy raised an eyebrow at "my Dipper."

Still later, downtown at a convenience store, Dipper fed a dollar into a vending machine and bought the first and only scratch-off lottery ticket in his life so far. Back in the Shack, he scratched it off.

Yeah, it figured. He'd won $1,000.00. There was, of course, a catch. He gave the card to Stan. "I can't use it," he told his Grunkle. "You have to be eighteen or over."

"I'm eighteen or over," Stan pointed out. "I'll do somethin' nice for ya, kid." And he did. He went into town to cash in the ticket and brought Dipper back a candy bar.

That night, Dipper complained to Mabel about the amulet. "It's making me lucky," he said, "but not in any way that helps me out. And it's got you mad at me."

"I'm not mad," Mabel said. "Just disappointed that Raymond prefers you to me. That's not your fault. My irresistibility must've rubbed off on you a little." She picked up the candy bar. "You gonna eat this?"

"Don't like coconut. You can have it."

"Thanks, Brobro!"

Mabel bit into the candy bar and chipped a tooth. Fragment of coconut husk. Stan had to rush her to a dentist he knew who owed him a favor. She came back with a repaired tooth and a rueful, "You're lucky you didn't want the candy, Dipper!"

But it didn't work with Wendy. The next morning, she said, "I gotta break our date, Dip. Sorry, man. My dad wants me to go with him and my brothers to visit my aunt this evening."

And without Wendy—meh. The kind of luck he was having just wasn't worth it. After some soul-searching, Dipper walked out to the Bottomless Pit and walked back a little lighter and amulet-free.

Wendy apologized again—but then the phone rang, and she answered it. "What? Oh, OK. No, tomorrow's even better. Sure. OK if I see a movie, then? Thanks, Dad!"

She hung up the phone. "Huh. My aunt called Dad and asked him to put off the visit, so our date's back on, unless you got someone else to see it with."

"No!" Dipper said. "Uh, no. No, I don't. Uh. If you want to go."

"Yeah, I guess so," Wendy said. "Guess you're in luck, Dipper."

Yeah, for a change, he guessed he really was in the best kind of luck. Seeing a three-D movie about an earthquake sitting next to a gorgeous redhead who made a practice of not dating anybody under the age of sixteen? But she would make one exception?

Hmm, maybe he shouldn't have tossed that amulet away so quickly . . . .

Nah. Typical Pines luck was better than anything it could dish up!

The End