Hi so this I just decided to do this on the stop. I wanted to do re-writes of season 4 episodes but that's been pushed back to April. So I did this instead. Actually wrote this in just one day. Also IMPROTANT but this story is a separate continuity to my other one since that one began after season 3. Then again none of this is really canon to anything is it? But I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading
Attack of the Killer Kung Fu Wolf Bitch
For most of my Granddad's romantic life, the internet hadn't been invented yet, so he was still discovering the dangers of online dating.
"An UGLY LIE!"
"Sounds like it's going better than the last one" Michael could hear the exchange all the from the boy's room.
"Can't believe Granddad gets hooked up with all these ugly bitches" Riley snickered.
"Sometimes I think he should just give on woman at this point in his life" Huey said.
"You obviously never even had woman have you? Michael said.
"And you have?" Huey replied sceptically.
"I've seen naked woman. That's good enough for me" Michael grinned.
"You've also seen Granddad naked". Michael dropped his grin and now looked disgusted
"Now why did you have to put that image in my head?" Riley now laughed even harder at Michael expense.
I am the stone that builder refused
I am the visual
The inspiration
That made lady sing the blues
I'm the spark that makes your idea bright
The same spark
that lights the dark
So that you can know your left from your right
I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in your gun
The inner glow that lets you know
To call your brother son
The story that just begun
The promise of what's to come
And I'm 'a remain a soldier till the war is won
The next morning, the boys were Granddad's room, looking at his most recent online correspondent.
Granddad entered from the bathroom, doing what was either a very good or very disturbing dance.
"Has he stopped yet?" Michael asked, keeping his hand over his face, not wanting to catch a glimpse of Granddad dancing in nothing but his towel…again.
"Yeah boy! She's fine ain't she?"
"And you're sure this is what she looks like?" Huey asked.
"Oh yeah. Your granddaddy ain't falling for that this time. Now I got the video chat!"
"I think it's a set up" Riley said. "It don't make no sense. What would she like you?"
"Cos yo granddaddy gives sweet love" he replied confidently. He moved over to the cupboard to put on his shirt.
"And what do you know about this woman?" Huey asked.
"Well her name is Luna, she's a virgo. Her hobbies include pets, traveling, kickboxing-"
"And stealing from desperate old men" Riley cut across. "Watch when you go to sleep. Bet she have a gang of nigga up in her to rob us. That ain't a good look Granddad"
"Look? Is that some kind of new slang? Is that what is hot in the street? Is what you call really hood?" he asked while making a face. "What don't you give her a chance? You ain't even met her yet"
"Neither have you" Huey countered. "I don't know Granddad. A whole weekend with a whole stranger."
"It's a five hour drive. Either she stays here or else I got to pay for a hotel room. Shoot bad enough I got to pay for all this champagne and new sheets"
"Well if she ain't ugly make sure to get some naked pictures of her" Michael said
"Oh yeah I'll-wait a minute. Naked pictures? What for?" Granddad dropped his smile and looked confused.
"For me" Michael said simply.
"You? What the hell you want naked pictures of her for?"
"Puberty"
"We talked about this already boy. You nine years old. You got to wait for puberty like everybody else" Granddad said sternly.
The boys waited at the top of the stairs for Granddad's date. When she arrived, Granddad was evidently pleased that she looked like her photo
"Robert. Oh my god. It's so goo to finally meet you" she said.
"My sweet Luna!" Granddad exclaimed happily. "Come on in cutie pie"
"You look just like your picture too" she said. "Except your wearing clothes". At this both of them laughed. As Luna walked in she noticed the boys up the stairs.
"Hi guys, I'm Luna. I hope you don't mind me hanging out with you for the weekend. I'll try and stay out of your way okay?"
"We don't keep cash in the house!" Riley suddenly said. Everyone stared at him for a moment, until Granddad took control of the conversation again.
"So would like a drink maybe or massage or a bath?" He led Luna down into the living room, as the boys watched from the stairs.
"That's a big bitch" Riley concluded.
"Least she ain't ugly" Michael said.
Later at dinner, the boys listened as Granddad and Luna laughed like crazy.
"That Larry David is something else" Granddad sighed. "So you never told me what kind of dogs you have"
"I have one Dalmatian, two retrievers" she said while counting her fingers.
"Hmm that's nice"
"Oh and about fifteen wolves!"
"Wolves?" they all said, looking up from their plates.
"You mean like…wolves wolves" Granddad frowned.
"Yeah. For some reason wolves really like me. I was raised around wolves. They get a bad rep but really if you aren't afraid to establish dominance, there's nothing wrong with wolves"
"That's uh…fascinating" Granddad said, a little taken back. "So um how long you been kickboxing?"
"Well I do a lot of martial arts. Not exactly kickboxing but their quite similar. It's called white lotus kung fu!"
"White lotus? That's the deadliest style there is" Huey said grimly.
"Yeah and its great exercise" Luna said conversationally.
"You uh never mention that you were a kung fu master" Granddad said, trying to regain his composure
"This crazy ex-boyfriend I had one time. He was a shaolin monk, I learned it from him. Then I had to end up using on him, if you know what I mean?" She started laughing heartily for a second and then stopped very abruptly. An uncomfortable silence came over the room as they stared at her.
"Soooo. Do you fires?" Michael asked casually.
"Oh yeah I love fires. Camp fires, bon fires, oil fires. They keep you nice and warm. And they're really good for searing flesh off bone!"
"That…they are" Michael said slowly.
"Well uh, Michael here really likes fires. And Huey is also very interested in martial arts" Granddad said, trying to put a good spin on this.
Luna gasped slightly and looked to Huey. "Have you heard of the Kumite(Ka-pow)?"
"Did you say The Kumite(Ka-pow)" Huey questioned .
"Uh huh. The Kumite(ka-pow)"
"Kumite(Ka-pow)? Michael repeated
"What's a kumite(ka-pow)?" Riley asked. Beside him, Michael now was scanning the room, as looking for something out of the ordinary.
"The Kumite(ka-pow) is mythical martial arts tournament with the deadliest fighters in the world"
"So you like Jean Claude Van Damme?" Riley grinned. "Damn"
"But I didn't think the Kumite(Ka-pow) really existed.
"Oh no" Luna said, with a serous expression. The Kumite(Ka-pow) real. It's really real! The Kumite(Ka-pow) is held out a fair away mysterious island. So it's a nice getaway"
"Kumite(ka-pow)" Michael uttered loudly. He looked around for a second. "Kumite(ka-pow)". Again he looked around. "Kumite(ka-pow), kumite(ka-pow), kumite(ka-pow). Kumite(ka-pow), kumi-"
"Boy stop saying Kumite(ka-pow)!" Granddad ordered. "You're interrupting Luna!"
"Anyway, you get catch up with old friends, see some good matches, get a tan. Good times, good times"
"The Kumite(ka-pow) is supposed to be a death match right?" Huey said.
"You ever kill anybody?" Riley asked eagerly.
"Hey everybody has to die sometime" she taking a bite of food. She went on to tell how she defeated a large black man in a match and ripped his heart out.
"I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right?" Luna started laughing boisterously. "Am I right or am I right?"
She stared at the Freeman's, waiting for a response. Each one of them now held a different look of terror on their faces.
"Come on don't leave me hanging" she said, her voice dying down a little
"We got to go to the bathroom" they all chimed at once. A second later they rushed out of their seats and made a run down the hallway. Luna watched them go with apprehensive surprise. Michael suddenly came back into the room and quickly grabbed his plate before running off again.
All four of them stood in the bathroom looking severe, except for Michael who was still eating.
"Thanks for inviting a killer kung fu wolf bitch to the crib Granddad!" Riley shot at him.
"You think I knew she was a killer kung fu wolf bitch!?" Granddad responded indignantly. "She aint said nothing about no damn kumity, kumto, kumite(ka-pow). Now y'all just hush. Trying to figure what we gonna do". He paused as he thought for a minute before giving up and turning to Huey.
"Huey what we gonna do?"
"Burn the house down" Michael said in the background.
"You gonna tell her to get the hell outta here!" Huey said to Granddad.
"I'm not gonna tell her to leave. She might hit with one of them exploding nut sack techniques!"
"Then let's just burn the house down" Michael said once again with his mouth full. "I mean won't that accomplish the same thing?"
"We ain't burning the house down" Huey dismissed. "And she ain't really a kung fu master. She's crazy"
"Shiiiit. Then you go kick her ass out!"
"This is your responsibility"
"Hey, I'm willing to stay in the bathroom all night!" Huey shook his head walked to the door. "Where you going?" Granddad asked.
"You guy's…just stay here okay?" he said going out the door
"Go get her Huey" Michael called to him as he left.
"Okay. I got to go the bathroom anyway". Granddad undid his belt and started to take his pants off, while Riley and Michael protested.
"Oh come on Granddad hold it. Hold it!"
"For god sakes I'm eating here!"
"Am old, I can't hold it. You two must be crazy. Telling me to hold it. I got to let it hang loose"
"Awww man!"
Michael soon put his plate down, losing his appetite. He and the others waited patiently for Huey to come back. They then heard the sound of fighting and winched as they heard Huey's grunting. After a few minutes, the door was pushed open by Huey who barely made it inside the bathroom before collapsing to the ground. Everyone crowded around him with looks of worry.
"Let's get out while we can" he whispered quietly
Michael looked back up to Riley and Granddad.
"Well guess this means we burn the house down"
Luckily, despite Michael's encouragement, they did decided not to burn down the house and managed to make to the next morning. They now were in Granddad's bedroom, trying to figure out what to do next.
"Cant believe I let that big ol woman come into my house and destroy my stuff" Granddad paced up and down the room, while the boys sat on the bed.
"You have to relax Granddad" Huey said.
"How am I supposed to relax?" He stopped his pacing to face Huey. "The woman is a trained killer. Do you know the story of Brenda Richie?"
"You mean Lionel Richie's wife?"
"Ooooh no. Lionel Richie's ex-wife. It was 1988…"
"Oh Jesus Christ here we go" Michael moaned in annoyance. They all listened as Granddad told them the story of how Brenda Riche beat the shit out of Lionel Richie after catching him in bed with a white woman
"How do know that's what happened? Where you there?" Huey asked.
"Brenda Richie knew KUNG FU!" Granddad stressed. "Jet magazine said she used to fight in the Kumite(ka-pow)"
"Seriously what is that?" Michael looked at the others, as if expecting an explanation, but they all just looked at him with confusion. Huey looked back to Granddad.
"Let's hear the story one more time" he said.
"Okay let me get this right. My cousin Ellie in California passed away very suddenly while working out. And they think it's a heart attack, they're not sure, and we weren't very close. But I need to fly out their immediately to support my family members"
"Good" Huey said, satisfied
"If that don't work we gonna have to shoot that bitch" Riley said.
"Or burn the house down" Michael added.
"You sure she gonna believe that?" Granddad asked Huey.
"Granddad the stories fine. Under no circumstances are you to change that story. Got it?"
Later Granddad did as was expected and made up a completely different story from Huey's. Something about Fidel Castro's birthday. By some miracle Luna ended up believing it and promptly left. Granddad and the boy's breathed a sigh of relief and toasted to their success.
"Really thought you blew it with that Fidel Castro story" Huey said.
"When he wants to be, your Granddaddy is master of deception" he chuckled.
"Well I still think we should have burned down the house. Can we do that next time we're invaded by a crazy internet woman?" Michael asked, hopefully
"No" Granddad and Huey said at once.
After going out for a while, the boy's returned to the house, thinking Granddad would be home by now. After they retreated back to their room, they realised he wasn't' there.
"I call his cell" Riley said, picking up the phone. He held up to his ear for a moment. "His phones' dead".
Huey looked past Riley to the window and noticed that it someone had nailed it shut. Before anyone could say anything, the door behind them closed. The boys tried to pull it open, but their efforts were in vain as they could hear the sound of someone drilling outside.
"Don't worry boys" Luna said. "I just want to have a friendly chat with your grandfather about honesty."
"I told you we should have shot that bitch!" Riley yelled as he pulled at the door.
"And I told you we should have burned the house down!"
The boys remained trapped in their room, trying to find any means of escape. They heard the front door open downstairs and later they could distantly hear the sounds of Granddad screaming, meaning Luna had already gotten to him.
Huey tried to pry the door open with his sword, while Riley pulled at the window. Michael stood by the bed and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"You know, this is all seeming very familiar. Almost like we been in this kind of situation before"
"Don't think so" Huey replied.
"Well we wouldn't be in this situation now, if someone had let me start a fire" Michael said irritably.
"How the hell is starting a fire gonna get us out of this situation?"
"Well it won't help now were trapped inside this room now well it?"
"Hey it's Tom!" Riley said. Huey and Michael stopped their arguing and made their way to the window.
"Right on time" Huey said.
"What you mean right on time?" Michael asked
"I sent Tom an e-mail telling him to check on us in case Luna came back"
"And you decided to trust Tom with our lives?" Michael said, cocking an eyebrow.
"Any of you make a sound…" Luna said from the other side of the door. "I will butt rape your grandfather with this broomstick!"
"Boys! Don't make any noise!" they heard Granddad call from down the hallway.
"I say she's bluffing" Michael whispered quickly. "Let's make some noise".
The boys listened as best they could when they heard Luna open the front door. They could faintly hear the sound of Tom and Luna talking, and then someone shout Flawless Victory. Realising that Tom had failed the situation now looked bleak.
"Ahem" . Michael gave Huey and innocent look. Huey stare at him for a minute, beginning to feel desperate.
"Okay if Tom or Granddad can't convince her to let us go, then you can burn the house down"
"Yes!" Michael said, punching the air for a second.
Somehow Huey's hunch was right on the money, as Granddad had indeed convinced Luna to let them go. Huey avoided Michael's angry glare. From upstairs, they all watched as Luna got into her car.
And that was the day Miss Luna decided to take responsibility for her own actions
BOOM!
Umm…okay. Then that was the day Miss Luna let her girlfriend talk her into blowing herself up instead of taking responsibility for her own actions
"Man this weekend sucked." Riley complained overcoming his shock. "And it was all yo fault Granddad"
"Wasn't my fault" Granddad denied, walking away from the window. "It was that crazy ass Luna's fault for not taking reasonability. God rest her poor soul"
"Well you know" Michael said pointedly as he stood beside Huey at the window. "All this could have been avoided if we had just burned down-"
"Shut the hell up Michael!" Granddad yelled back at him. "Always going on about burning down my house. When I want to burn down the house then I'll ask you. Till then you can shut the hell up"
"Man you could have at least gotten some naked pictures of her before she blew herself up. Now this is ol bullshit" Michael muttered in annoyance as he moved away from the window, leaving Huey be himself.
PS. I wont be writing episodes in order. (Forgot to add the theme song) . I may do requests, but only if I can put Michael in the story otherwise in might just be the same. Peace out