A/N: This is a crossover between Harry Potter and the Georgia Nicolson (Angus, Big Knickers and Nunga Nungas).
Zut Alors! My Neighbours are Freaks!
Once Upon A Time, I was Normal
Monday 14th February
My bedroom
Valentines Day
7.30pm
I'm all alone, no one is here beside me! Okay, so maybe I'm not that alone. I've got scuba diving Barbie and Pantalitzer in here with me, and there's something over there in the corner that looks suspiciously like some regurgitated cabbage and sprouts, but essentially I'm on my own. Whoever said that Valentine's Day was the most romantic time of the year needs to get their head sorted.
The Sex God is probably dancing some new-fangled Aborigine Kiwi-a-go-go dance right now, everything to do with chubby little babies that fly around shooting people with arrows, flying straight out of his head.
Who'd have thought that I of all people would be without my SG on Valentine's day. I mean, even my parents have got the Cosmic Horn. Vati was walking around earlier wearing nothing but tartan boxers and some deely-boppers. Now that is a sight that I never want to see again. He was wondering around looking for Mutti. I had to be the one to explain to him that she was out at her aerobics class. He just looked at me like I was a loon on loon tablets, and said:
"Who goes to aerobics at seven o' clock on a Monday morning?"
I, being the kind martyr that is essentially my true nature, sat him down in the living room (after covering him up with a tea-towel), and began to explain to him that Mutti has needs that he just cannot fulfil. He started getting all red in the face then and sent me to my room. I went to school instead.
7.45pm
Phoned Jas. "Jas?"
"Ya?"
"I'm lonely." I could hear this disgusting sucking noise in the background, "Jas, what's that noise?"
"What noise?" Sometimes I wonder why I have to be the brains and the beauty of our friendship.
"That shulgwop noise," I said, trying my best to imitate the sound.
"Oh that's just Tom. He's giving me a shrimp job."
"A WHAT?" I asked incredulously. Rosie said I should learn a new word every day. Today's word was antidisestablishmentarianism but I thought that was too long, so it's incredulously. I like the way it rolls of my tongue. Incredulously, Incred-ulously. In-cred-u-lou-s-l-y. Jas was talking again. I must remind her not to interrupt me when I am thinking. It's very rude.
"A shrimp job. It's my valentine's gift. It's very nice as well."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"A shrimp job is when-" she paused.
"Yes..." I prompted her.
"Is when a boy sucks your toes."
"EW!! I screamed down the phone, and slammed it back into the hook. Vati came in just as I did this, and gave me a lecture on how I should take more care of his property. I didn't listen, as I was too busy staring at what he was wearing. Still the tartan boxers and deely-boppers, but added to that fluffy bunny slippers and a sparkly gold waistcoat. I didn't say a word, just went to my room quietly.
8.00pm
Dear Lord, Buddha, Allah - well anyone is you're up there,
I have a lunatic-transvestite-homosexual for a father. Please exchange him for someone normal.
Amen.
16th February 2002
9.00am
Teacher-training day today. Or, in other words, a day for the tormentors of Stalag 14 to sit around playing racing games on the Playstation and generally behaving like idiots. It's true - that's what they do. Last time we had a non-pupil day, the gang went to spy on the teachers, to see what they really did.
We discovered many useful pieces of knowledge like - there are five Gameboy's hidden in Lesbian Stamp's desk drawer, the chocolate is kept in the chalk box and the library has a vas collection of 18 movies under a floorboard near the window.
Anyway, it is teacher-training day and I am, once again, on my own. Jas is at the cinema with Tom, Rosie is being taught Swedish kissing by Sven (apparently this is when you hook a leg over the other person's shoulder whilst kissing their nose), Ellen is on a date with Dave the Laugh, and the others have organised a day at the snow-dome ("no spare tickets, sorry" was Mabs excuse when I asked if I could go.)
So I am all on my own again, looking after Libs. Mutti and Vati have gone to the theatre, to exercise their 'aristocratic personalities'. I said if they wanted to do this, they were better going down the local, where everybody thinks that a Robber is a member of Take That.
10.00am
Hello. Something interesting is going on next door. Libs is doing a poo on the loo, so I think it's safe to go and investigate.
3.00pm
I may never show my face in public again. I went down to investigate and it was the single most traumatic experience of my life. Here's what happened:
There was a huge crowd of people standing on the lawn next door (not Mr and Mrs Next-Doors lawn, heaven forbid that!). They all look pretty odd. There's a bloke with a bald head wearing clothes that went out of fashion in the 1920's and a short fat woman in a boiler-suit. There's also an old fella, with a beard that goes to the floor, but he's wearing relatively normal stuff. There were also a group of people that looked around my age.
"Ginger! Come and wipe my bottom!" A voice loud and shrill enough to wake the dead sounded from upstairs. It was Libs. And the front door is open. And everyone standing outside the house heard. Dear God, please let the earth swallow me up now please.
"Ginger!" came the frustrated voice of my sister, "I've done a really big poo! It's all green and brown!" I couldn't move. They were all staring at me.
I heard footsteps on the stairs behind me. There was Libs, naked as the day she was born, standing on the bottom step.
"I did it myself. Look," and she held out a bit of loo-roll with something on it. I closed my eyes and willed all of the people to go away. When I opened them again, they were still there. Libby dropped the tissue paper and squealed "Angus!"
Our demented hairball streaked past my legs and out of the door. Libs ran after him. Into the front garden. In her nuddy-pants. The people were still staring.
"Liberty Nicolson, come back!" I yelled, but she took no notice of me. Instead, she was running around in circles holding onto Angus's tail yelling in delight. Mr and Mrs Next Door came out of their house to investigate. And Mr and Mrs Across the Road. And, dear lord, Mark Big Gob with his flavour of the week. And the people were still there.
I couldn't move. I could hear Mr and Mrs Next Door tutting in disapprovel. And then, Mutti and Vati arrived. Could it have got any worse? Answer: yes. A policeman turned up and asked who was responsible for this naked lunatic. Mutti, who had just got out of the car raised her hand and the policeman said:
"I must ask you to remove her from sight. She is causing a scene and obstructing the road. This was strictly not true - Libs wasn't causing the obstruction, it was the nosy neighbours who had come to watch. Mutti nodded silently and practically flew across the lawn, grabbing Libby in one arm and Angus in the other.
She went into the house and I turned and followed her. I could hear Vati apologising to the policeman.
When Vati got into the house he exploded at me and told me to go and wash up. I asked him why, seeing as we had a dishwasher, but he told me not to be ungrateful and to do as I was told. Ungrateful? Sometimes I wonder over his mental health.
About an hour later, there was a knock on the door. I was the only one downstairs so I answered it. It was the crowd of people that had been standing on the lawn next door. Okay - so there were considerably fewer than there had been earlier, about six or seven. There was the man and woman who had been dressed weirdly, and four people who were about my age. They were dressed normally. There were two boys and two girls. It looked as though one of the boys and one of the girls were related - they both had red hair and freckled. The other boy had messy black hair and glasses, and a freaky-deaky scar on his forehead. The other girl had bushy brown hair and brown eyes.
The man and woman beamed at me, and said in unison:
"We're your new neighbours!"
Dear Lord.
A/N: I hope to continue this soon. This chapter wasn't really anything to do with HP, just a bit of background info. If you liked it, or hated it, please leave a review.
Zut Alors! My Neighbours are Freaks!
Once Upon A Time, I was Normal
Monday 14th February
My bedroom
Valentines Day
7.30pm
I'm all alone, no one is here beside me! Okay, so maybe I'm not that alone. I've got scuba diving Barbie and Pantalitzer in here with me, and there's something over there in the corner that looks suspiciously like some regurgitated cabbage and sprouts, but essentially I'm on my own. Whoever said that Valentine's Day was the most romantic time of the year needs to get their head sorted.
The Sex God is probably dancing some new-fangled Aborigine Kiwi-a-go-go dance right now, everything to do with chubby little babies that fly around shooting people with arrows, flying straight out of his head.
Who'd have thought that I of all people would be without my SG on Valentine's day. I mean, even my parents have got the Cosmic Horn. Vati was walking around earlier wearing nothing but tartan boxers and some deely-boppers. Now that is a sight that I never want to see again. He was wondering around looking for Mutti. I had to be the one to explain to him that she was out at her aerobics class. He just looked at me like I was a loon on loon tablets, and said:
"Who goes to aerobics at seven o' clock on a Monday morning?"
I, being the kind martyr that is essentially my true nature, sat him down in the living room (after covering him up with a tea-towel), and began to explain to him that Mutti has needs that he just cannot fulfil. He started getting all red in the face then and sent me to my room. I went to school instead.
7.45pm
Phoned Jas. "Jas?"
"Ya?"
"I'm lonely." I could hear this disgusting sucking noise in the background, "Jas, what's that noise?"
"What noise?" Sometimes I wonder why I have to be the brains and the beauty of our friendship.
"That shulgwop noise," I said, trying my best to imitate the sound.
"Oh that's just Tom. He's giving me a shrimp job."
"A WHAT?" I asked incredulously. Rosie said I should learn a new word every day. Today's word was antidisestablishmentarianism but I thought that was too long, so it's incredulously. I like the way it rolls of my tongue. Incredulously, Incred-ulously. In-cred-u-lou-s-l-y. Jas was talking again. I must remind her not to interrupt me when I am thinking. It's very rude.
"A shrimp job. It's my valentine's gift. It's very nice as well."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"A shrimp job is when-" she paused.
"Yes..." I prompted her.
"Is when a boy sucks your toes."
"EW!! I screamed down the phone, and slammed it back into the hook. Vati came in just as I did this, and gave me a lecture on how I should take more care of his property. I didn't listen, as I was too busy staring at what he was wearing. Still the tartan boxers and deely-boppers, but added to that fluffy bunny slippers and a sparkly gold waistcoat. I didn't say a word, just went to my room quietly.
8.00pm
Dear Lord, Buddha, Allah - well anyone is you're up there,
I have a lunatic-transvestite-homosexual for a father. Please exchange him for someone normal.
Amen.
16th February 2002
9.00am
Teacher-training day today. Or, in other words, a day for the tormentors of Stalag 14 to sit around playing racing games on the Playstation and generally behaving like idiots. It's true - that's what they do. Last time we had a non-pupil day, the gang went to spy on the teachers, to see what they really did.
We discovered many useful pieces of knowledge like - there are five Gameboy's hidden in Lesbian Stamp's desk drawer, the chocolate is kept in the chalk box and the library has a vas collection of 18 movies under a floorboard near the window.
Anyway, it is teacher-training day and I am, once again, on my own. Jas is at the cinema with Tom, Rosie is being taught Swedish kissing by Sven (apparently this is when you hook a leg over the other person's shoulder whilst kissing their nose), Ellen is on a date with Dave the Laugh, and the others have organised a day at the snow-dome ("no spare tickets, sorry" was Mabs excuse when I asked if I could go.)
So I am all on my own again, looking after Libs. Mutti and Vati have gone to the theatre, to exercise their 'aristocratic personalities'. I said if they wanted to do this, they were better going down the local, where everybody thinks that a Robber is a member of Take That.
10.00am
Hello. Something interesting is going on next door. Libs is doing a poo on the loo, so I think it's safe to go and investigate.
3.00pm
I may never show my face in public again. I went down to investigate and it was the single most traumatic experience of my life. Here's what happened:
There was a huge crowd of people standing on the lawn next door (not Mr and Mrs Next-Doors lawn, heaven forbid that!). They all look pretty odd. There's a bloke with a bald head wearing clothes that went out of fashion in the 1920's and a short fat woman in a boiler-suit. There's also an old fella, with a beard that goes to the floor, but he's wearing relatively normal stuff. There were also a group of people that looked around my age.
"Ginger! Come and wipe my bottom!" A voice loud and shrill enough to wake the dead sounded from upstairs. It was Libs. And the front door is open. And everyone standing outside the house heard. Dear God, please let the earth swallow me up now please.
"Ginger!" came the frustrated voice of my sister, "I've done a really big poo! It's all green and brown!" I couldn't move. They were all staring at me.
I heard footsteps on the stairs behind me. There was Libs, naked as the day she was born, standing on the bottom step.
"I did it myself. Look," and she held out a bit of loo-roll with something on it. I closed my eyes and willed all of the people to go away. When I opened them again, they were still there. Libby dropped the tissue paper and squealed "Angus!"
Our demented hairball streaked past my legs and out of the door. Libs ran after him. Into the front garden. In her nuddy-pants. The people were still staring.
"Liberty Nicolson, come back!" I yelled, but she took no notice of me. Instead, she was running around in circles holding onto Angus's tail yelling in delight. Mr and Mrs Next Door came out of their house to investigate. And Mr and Mrs Across the Road. And, dear lord, Mark Big Gob with his flavour of the week. And the people were still there.
I couldn't move. I could hear Mr and Mrs Next Door tutting in disapprovel. And then, Mutti and Vati arrived. Could it have got any worse? Answer: yes. A policeman turned up and asked who was responsible for this naked lunatic. Mutti, who had just got out of the car raised her hand and the policeman said:
"I must ask you to remove her from sight. She is causing a scene and obstructing the road. This was strictly not true - Libs wasn't causing the obstruction, it was the nosy neighbours who had come to watch. Mutti nodded silently and practically flew across the lawn, grabbing Libby in one arm and Angus in the other.
She went into the house and I turned and followed her. I could hear Vati apologising to the policeman.
When Vati got into the house he exploded at me and told me to go and wash up. I asked him why, seeing as we had a dishwasher, but he told me not to be ungrateful and to do as I was told. Ungrateful? Sometimes I wonder over his mental health.
About an hour later, there was a knock on the door. I was the only one downstairs so I answered it. It was the crowd of people that had been standing on the lawn next door. Okay - so there were considerably fewer than there had been earlier, about six or seven. There was the man and woman who had been dressed weirdly, and four people who were about my age. They were dressed normally. There were two boys and two girls. It looked as though one of the boys and one of the girls were related - they both had red hair and freckled. The other boy had messy black hair and glasses, and a freaky-deaky scar on his forehead. The other girl had bushy brown hair and brown eyes.
The man and woman beamed at me, and said in unison:
"We're your new neighbours!"
Dear Lord.
A/N: I hope to continue this soon. This chapter wasn't really anything to do with HP, just a bit of background info. If you liked it, or hated it, please leave a review.