Disclaimer: I do not own The L Word, which is owned by that wonderful entertainment channel known as Showtime and that lucky lady known as Ilene Chaiken. I would, however, like to keep tabs on my original characters. Any and all references to real people are fiction and should not be misconstrued as truth relating to or about these people.

Timeframe: Just after the Season 4 finale.

Characters: Carmen/Shane/Paige love triangle (main focus). Alice is also important. Cameos from other characters very possible.

Te Busque

By leftover.me

"I've been walking around all day, thinking: I think I have a problem, I think I think too much. I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them, but you've made pain into something I could touch. I've been walking around all day, laughing, thinking I'd be better off without you here." - Maria Mena

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Chapter One: No Hay Igual

They had to call the police, the fire station, and finally the coast guard to figure out where Sounder's mother was—floating away on a yellow boat, asleep and apathetic. It took 12 hours and lots of irritated lesbians, pseudo-lesbians, straight women, and an equally diverse assortment of men to find one little crazed writer with a poofy dog.

Shane was done with it.

In fact, Shane would be perfectly happy to never see the beach again. Or any sort of uniformed personnel, for that matter. Both made her nervous. Uniformed officers reminded her of her extensive rap sheet and whenever she was on the beach she sometimes felt like Cherie's house was going to pop up behind her, like the past months had been a dream, a pleasant trip or something.

But Cherie's house was miles and miles of coastline away, and Shane had no plans involving going anywhere near her or any of her other properties for the rest of her life. So now she was holed up in the back of the Planet, eyes glued to her doubleshot, her mind completely blank. It was nice.

"Hey, Nelly Furtado's coming into town tonight and doing some VIP-special-swanky show-slash-party-slash-dance-night thing. I got a press pass and one free ticket. Wanna come?"

Shane raised her eyes from her espresso to Alice, who was beaming down at her, the Planet's usual crowd bustling in the background. She sniffed, "You know I hate Nelly Furtado."

"No you don't. Oh come on, underneath all that Goldfrapp and Sleater-Kinney, I know you got some lovin' left for Nelly," prodded Alice, still beaming. "Come on. A little Latin flashback, eh?"

Shane glared. "That was unnecessary, Al."

"Okay, below the belt, whatever, but come on," sighed Alice, her smile dropping as she sat down across from Shane. "You've been like, on a metaphorical 'Paige vacation' for like four months, and I have been here, on planet Planet, waiting for you to come ask me how my day is, which by the way you only do when Paige is working in the morning. I miss youuuuuuu. And your bad hair."

"Just because I have a relationship with someone outside your little bubble doesn't mean I haven't been there for you," replied Shane defensively. "Where's Tasha?"

"Alright, (a) don't start defending Paige as if I don't like her because (b) I really like your Amazon Warrior more affectionately known as Paige Sobel and (c) Tasha is gone. I dropped her off just before coming here." Alice stared into her chai.

"Aw, Al." Shane affectionately rubbed her friend's shoulder. "Look, I know I've been pretty scarce for the past couple months, and I'm sorry for that, but you know a lot of shit has been going on. And I'm sorry about Tasha leaving."

Alice's face slid into a grin. "Ah. Well. Who could stay mad at those big ol' Shane eyes even if you didn't have a good excuse like a ten-year-old being dropped on your doorstep and an Amazon Warrior girlfriend? Well. You come to Furtado with me tonight and I'll call it even. Deal?"

"Deal."

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The club was packed full of sweaty bodies by the time Alice and Shane arrived. They skipped to the front of the line and squeezed in via press pass, with Alice mumbling something about feeling like she was going through a reverse birthing process.

As soon as they were inside, the hair on the back of Shane's neck rose. She glanced around curiously. Furtado wasn't playing yet, and the club was unnecessarily hot. The crowd was primarily Hispanic. Maybe that was what was making her nervous. She didn't feel up to running into the Morales cousins again, especially at night.

Alice, who hadn't said anything since their entrance pulled on her sleeve and pointed, and Shane looked up to see what, quite possibly, may have been a dream.

Furtado wasn't playing yet, but there was a DJ in the booth. Even across the club, the DJ was hot. That was the first thing that occurred to Shane. The next was that the DJ was short. The next was that the DJ was tan and toned and wore her hair long but her fingernails short. And lastly, that the DJ was Carmen.

Shane turned and made a beeline for the door.

"Oh shit," breathed Alice, who had magically produced a martini. She downed her martini and chased after her Fraggle-esque friend shouting, "Shane! Shane! Shane McCutcheon!"

And maybe she was yelling a little too loud, because at that moment the music cut out and the crowd froze and all anyone could hear was Alice yelling, "SHANE FUCKING MCCUTCHEON GET YOUR SKINNY ASS BACK HERE!" followed by an under-the-breath "Oh shit." She caught up to Shane, who was stationary but nonresponsive as Alice grabbed her shoulder and yanked her deeper into the crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Nelly Furtado," announced a very announcer voice.

Alice looked up as Nelly Furtado sauntered on stage to Carmen, who was standing stiff and straight and looking right at Alice and Shane. The reporter gulped and stared right back. Shane looked like she was either going to cry or pass out, or some combination of the two.

But Nelly Furtado was on stage, and Carmen quickly averted her attention from Shane and Alice to the popstar.

"Thank you for coming tonight," said Furtado with a small bow. "Everyone keeps asking me who's the next big thing in Hollywood, and tonight I wanted to show you just who's the next big thing—Carmen Morales." The crowd started to applaud as Carmen stepped closer to Furtado and managed a shaky smile. "She'll be accompanying me on my next North American tour, which kicks off in San Francisco in next month!"

"I have to get out of here," said Shane, fiercely gripping Alice's arm. "Come on, it's time to leave. I don't believe this. What were you thinking?"

"Shane, I didn't know she was going to be here! Honest to God, it's total coincidence," insisted the blonde, wrenching her arm free. "But isn't that like, a sign from God or something?"

"I don't care what it is; I have to go," seethed Shane. "Are you coming with me or not?"

Then Carmen's voice came over the loudspeakers. "Thank you. Um, I'll be spinning after the show tonight all night, but for now I'll let you enjoy the person you really came to see—Nelly Furtado."

An eruption of applause started up again and Shane started fighting her way to the door. Her head was spinning. She could hear Alice yelling something about how much she just hated being rude and leaving early. A hand landed on her shoulder and she whirled around, expecting Carmen but instead finding a slender, pale brunette with a magazine in her hand.

"This one's called Te Busque," purred Furtado.

I've been high, I've been low

I've been fast, I've been slow

I've had nowhere to go

Missed the bus, missed the show

"You're Shane, right?" asked the stranger, her voice high and almost screechy. "Ilove your Hugo Boss ad. My boyfriend got so mad because I put it on the wall in our bedroom. Would you sign an autograph for me?"

I've been down on my luck, I've felt like givin' up

My life lost in the trunk when it hurt way too much

I needed a reason to live, some love inside me to give

I couldn't rest I had to keep on searchin'

Shane rolled her eyes and grudgingly accepted the magazine, scribbling her name across her own stomach, and then turned to leave, but Alice was blocking her way.

"You can't just leave. She saw you here," said the blonde, eyebrow arched. "You have a moral obligation to stay for the entire show. That way, if she wants to punch you in the face, she can."

"Such a great friend, Al," growled Shane. "But I am not staying here." Her skin was crawling.

Te busqué debajo de las piedras y no te encontré

(I looked for you under the rocks and couldn't find you)

En la mañana fria y en la noche

(I looked for you in the cold morning and at night)

"You owe that much to her," said Alice with a defeated sigh as Shane pushed past her. "Shane. I don't think you'll be able to be with Paige if you don't work things out with Carmen first. Don't you want some closure?"

Te busqué hasta enloquecer, pero tú

(until I became crazy, but you)

Llegaste a mi vida como una luz

(came into my life like a light)

Sanando las heridas de mi corazón

(healing the wounds of my heart)

Y haciéndome sentir vivo otra vez

(making me feel alive again)

Shane's eyes narrowed. She stopped and turned around, her eyes a little shiny. "Alice, I can't face her. I can't do it. She doesn't want to see me, trust me."

And then, as if on cue, Carmen appeared between them. She was almost exactly as Shane remembered her—petite, sexy, well-dressed. One hand was fastened to her waist and the other was holding a glass of champagne, which was strange to see because Carmen typically, as a rule, only drank beer.

"Carmen," breathed Shane with a nervous smile. "Hi… Carmen."

Carmen had that look on her face, the one that used to mean Shane was sleeping on the couch tonight. Her lips were taut, her feet set, her jaw clenched, her eyes fiery. She silently threw her drink into Shane's face and walked away, pausing only to say to Alice, "I told you not to bring her."

I've been too sad to speak and too tired to eat

I've been too lonely to sing; the devil cut off my wings

I've been hurt by my past, but I feel a future in my dreams

And at last I wake up; I'm not sure I wanted to find a light

Somethin' just didn't feel right; I needed an answer to end

All my searchin'

Shane looked at Alice with a facial expression that made the blonde feel like she'd just kicked a puppy. "Shane… I'm sorry. I just… I just really think you need closure with Carmen before you can really be with Paige."

"Al, can you just mind your own fucking business for once? I'm taking a cab home."

Alice winced as Shane walked out, dripping champagne and on the verge of tears.

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Paige Sobel had lived a fairly busy twenty-nine years. Pregnant at eighteen, it seemed like all the years preceding that moment were just meaningless, silent movie reels. It was as if the day Jared came into her life, she lost the person she had been—Paige the partier, the free spirit, the contender—and became "Mom."

A series of decent but unremarkable boyfriends ensued, each promising, at one time or another, that he didn't mind Jared—that is, until he realized just how full-time Jared could be. He was a twenty-four-hour commitment, something not even the most sympathetic twenty-two-year-old guy wanted just yet, and by the time she hit twenty-seven the guys who did want kids were mostly taken. So she had given up the search.

Then there was Shane McCutcheon, the world's most unlikely single parent and the sexiest woman Paige had ever laid eyes on. She was a great parent—Paige was loathe to label her 'father' or 'mother' because it just didn't feel right—and she was a thoughtful lover. But she was increasingly… well, fixated could only be the proper word, on having a family and the white picket fence package that came with a family. She didn't know much about what had been going on in Shane's life prior to her acquisition of Shay, and she didn't really need to know, but sometimes she caught the side-of-mouth murmurs between Shane's friends and wondered just what context she was stepping into.

She sipped her beer and flipped the page of her book—some Latin-centric trash pulp fiction novel she'd found on the bookshelf in the living room. On the front inside cover was scribbled in Sharpie, Carmen P. Morales. Probably a second-hand purchase.

Her whole body jerked in surprise as she heard the front door wrench open and then slam shut. She looked down at Jared, who was asleep beside her, and then hurried into the living room, expecting to find Jenny causing a ruckus again. But to her surprise, it was Shane, disheveled and curled in a tiny ball on the couch.

"Shane?"

The darker woman looked up from behind a sheen of tears. She sniffled and coughed, "P-Paige?"

"Hey, what are you doing home so early? Jared's asleep in your room, I hope you don't mind, I… Are you crying?" The tall blonde went over to the couch and brushed Shane's unruly hair from face. Her mascara was smudged all around her red, swollen eyes and her clothes were damp and she reeked of champagne. "What happened?"

"I, uh…" Shane wouldn't look her in the eye. "I just, uhm. You remember what I told you that day I dropped Shay off at your house before the movie premier?"

Paige swallowed. This was it. No turning back now. Context. "Yeah. Something about not trusting yourself to be good to me. Is that what this is about?"

"Guess so," sniffed the brunette, rubbing her eyes. "I, uh, ran into the woman I was with before you." She continued to stare at her feet, avoiding Paige's gaze. "Her name was Carmen."

"Carmen… P. Morales," echoed Paige.

"How did you…?"

"It's written on one of the books I found on the bookshelf."

"Oh. Yeah. Carmen de la Pica Morales. See, Alice asked me to go to this Nelly Furtado show and I didn't even think twice about it but Carmen ended up being there and—"

"Well what happened between you two?" interrupted Paige, a little more abrasively than she'd intended. "Look at me, Shane… I have a right to know."

Shane inhaled and exhaled slowly, moved to the couch across from her girlfriend and looked her right in the eye as she began, "I met Carmen on some fluke job at a news station. I was doing Ariana Huffington's hair and she was playing coffee gofer/sound tech assistant. See, she worked as a tech during the day and DJ'd at night, mostly clubs and the Planet.

"We fucked a couple times before I, uh, shut her out because she made me nervous with how close she was getting. I had this rule, see, that I didn't do sleepovers or pillow talk or reveal life stories or get close to anyone—or let anyone get close to me. But Carmen, for some reason, wanted to know me. But since I wouldn't be with her, she started dating Jenny—that was a bust—and eventually, you know, I just… realized I was in love with her, which was a big thing for me, and then I asked Carmen to just move in with me.

"Her family didn't know about her yet, or at least were in denial about it, and it was kind of stressful because I loved her family. They were sweet people and made me feel like I was part of their family without asking any questions.

"And we were… together for about seven months before I cheated on her with an ex, Cherie Jaffe. But she stayed with me and it was hard, but she made it work. And then one of our best friends, Dana, passed way from breast cancer." Here Shane's voice shook and broke, her eyes welling up with tears again. "And I realized that I didn't want to lose her. I asked her to marry me.

"So Helena and Alice plan and pay for this whole deal where we all went up to Canada, and Carmen's family came too and it was so sweet… But while we were up there, my dad left his wife for some blonde he met in a bar. Helena had given him ten thousand dollars to buy us a wedding gift, but he skipped town and took the money instead. That was the end of the straw for Peggy Peabody… that's why she cut off Helena from the family funds.

"I panicked. I mean, everyone gets cold feet, but all of a sudden I felt like there was no way I could marry Carmen and not hurt her like my dad hurt his wife. So I left her at the altar. And I haven't spoken to her or seen her until tonight."

Paige was silent for a long time, staring down into her beer and thinking. Finally, with a sigh, she breathed, "You… asked a girl to marry you, she said yes, and then you walk out on her? And don't speak to her?"

Shane felt like dying. "Yeah."

"And that's all you have to say for yourself?"

"Yeah."

A long, tense silence ensued. Paige had to turn this new information over in her head again and again. This wasn't just Shane breaking a girl's heart. This was Shane leading a girl on all the way to the altar—the fucking altar!—and leaving her there. Literally. "Shane… I don't even know what to think about that."

"Paige, I'm sorry. I should've told you sooner, but Paige… please don't leave me over this. Please. Please, Paige." Shane slid off of the couch to her knees and rested her head in the blonde's lap, her warm tears dripping onto Paige's sweatpants. "Please, Paige. Don't leave me alone."

God. She was so vulnerable. Paige had never seen Shane cry like this except the one time she talked about Gabe taking Shay away. She placed a curled finger under Shane's chin and gently lifted the brunette's face until their eyes met. "Shane… you loved Carmen. You loved her. And still you left her. Shane… I… love you. I love you Shane, and I don't know if I could handle you leaving me like that."

"I promise, baby, I promise. I promise I won't do that to you. I would never do that to you and Jared. I promise," choked Shane, crumpling limp against Paige's legs. "Please don't leave me alone."

Paige stared into Shane's deep hazel eyes for a small eternity before finally saying, "I couldn't leave you just for that mistake, Shane… because I can tell you learned something from it. At least… I… I hope you have. I think you're different now, but I want you to tell me right now if I'm giving you too much benefit of the doubt."

Shane grasped her hands and kissed her knuckles. "No, no baby. Trust me. Thank you. Thank you."

They embraced tightly, and Shane mumbled something about sleeping on the couch since Jared was in the bed. So with a kiss goodnight, Paige wandered back down the hallway towards the bedroom. And no, it hadn't gone unnoticed by Paige that Shane hadn't returned the "I love you" sentiment.