zelos… how could you? pretend to be us.. pretend to be one of us and now. now this. the chosen, it was so perfect, so obvious and I was so blind.. you loved me. you must have loved me .. did you love me at all? please. i'll beg if i have to. i'll sob and plead and bleed if it'll make you change you're mind. i'll die if it'll make this all a dream.. because it cant be real. i wont let it be real. you're not this way, you're not like this YOU WOULDN'T. not you. anyone but you..
i need you..
that night when you held me close, kissed me, caressed me, loved me…. did it mean anything at all? i wont believe it when you say that lying with me made you feel physically sick . your lips on me.. my tears cooling the heat- it wasn't just for a purpose was it? it wasn't just a brief stage of your plan that was a necessary chore? it couldn't have been.. it was too real, too precious to me, you said it was precious to you too. was you're face contorted in pleasure or repulsion? or was the only satisfaction that you got from me the knowledge that desperate, aching, vulnerable sheena had betrayed her friends, plunged from grace and practically given you her powers that would let you undo us all, for the sake of one night with you.
well. are you satisfied now? now that you hold dominion over me, free to do whatever you want. i'm yours. kiss me, kill me, just don't let me see what i've done, don't make me watch my friends suffer at your hands because of my blindness. i'm so pathetic i can't fight you, i wont fight you i just succumb to you. the fallen angel, a slave to her own powers, a mere shadow who lets the heat of the fire devour all she has worked for, all she lives for and everything that she is, and yet remains untouched.
the cries in the dark that only i can here.. are they really real or testimonies of my guilt? those voices i knew- or thought i knew, now too tortured and inhuman to be anything other than cries of dying animals. those nightmares again and again, trying to pretend they're just my warped imagination and not snatches of reality so twisted that i've rejected them to keep myself sane. why did i…? how could you…? if repentance could make it right, if wishing it was somehow a mistake could change the way things are, could make it me and not them.. god, the things i would do. to make up for what i have done. i already know too well, its already killing me to have to ask, but how could this be real? how could I have? why? WHY?
martel…. what have i done?