It was a regular summer's day, the air hot and sticky due to the typical Virginia humidity.
The suffocating atmosphere plastered Karkat's snowy mop to his scalp under his baseball cap, and despite his off-brand Ray Bans, the sun still scorched his retinas as he drove down the backroads. He could feel his clothes clinging to him from the humidity, the wheezing AC of his ancient Cutlass not doing much to help cool him down. Karkat thought this aggressively cheerful weather was very unfair considering what he was about to do. It would be more appropriate, expected even, for it to be raining a light drizzle at the very least, and the sun should have been nowhere in sight. The good weather just made him feel even guiltier than he already did. He knew that Gamzee would already be off at some park or with Tavros if it weren't for the text he'd sent him earlier that morning. Karkat had been pretty vague about it, just asking him if they could talk. The clown hadn't even asked any questions, sending a simple "yEaH, bRo" back in the strange, lilting way he had of typing.
Karkat leaned forward, switching the station for the fourteenth time since he'd begun driving. It seemed as though even the radio was out to get him, the albino having heard nothing but songs that made guilty on the half hour drive to Gamzee's. "Forever and Always", "Dance Floor Anthem", "I Will Follow You Into the Dark", Karkat could have sworn he even heard "Achy Breaky Heart" on what was supposed to be a hard rock station. He heaved a sigh through his nose, shoving the cassette converter into its slot before hooking his phone to it and setting it to shuffle. The boy left it alone after that, trying to be responsible as his eyes flicked quickly back to the road. He corrected a small error he'd made, shifting back into his lane with another, smaller, sigh. This wasn't really fair to anyone. He sank back into his seat, trying to think back to where it had all gone wrong. Karkat was a little upset with himself as his mind immediately went back to the beginning of it all.
It was just a few months ago, the pair relaxing on Karkat's couch after a particularly long day of school. Gamzee's head was in the shorter boy's lap, something meaningless playing on the TV set as the clown rambled on. Karkat hadn't been paying much attention, his fingers running through his friend's inky hair with one hand as his other held a book up to his nose. He didn't look up as he heard Gamzee say his name, humming absentmindedly in response.
"Bro, would you all up and be my boyfriend?" Gamzee asked dreamily, looking up at Karkat.
"I'm hard to impress, Gamzee. You'd need to be accompanied by a children's choir singing When Doves Cry with Prince himself present before I could even consider such a question," the shorter boy answered with a snort, fixing his reading glasses as he turned the page.
There were a few minutes of silence in which Gamzee wiggled around so much that Karkat almost shoved him off the couch, his nose stuck in his book the entire time. He frowned as he heard something strange, thinking about setting his book down at the sound of singing.
"What're you doing?"
"I couldn't get a hold of Prince, and all I could find was a boy band singing "Escape" by Rupert Holmes, but Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" The clown asked again, his eyes glued to the ceiling with a lazy grin.
"Sure, Gamzee," he answered with a little laugh, thinking his friend was kidding.
Karkat would soon realize that his friend was indeed not joking, feeling incredibly bad about what he'd assumed and his response to it. He'd debated telling Gamzee the truth at first, but after a while, the albino had convinced himself that he was actually kind of enjoying the shift in their relationship. It was nice to go to the movies with someone other than his friends, and it made a lot of his really confusing thoughts about the clown make so much more sense. After a week, Karkat was so foolishly infatuated that he'd forgotten all about his earlier regret for his decisions. It was almost two months before the Honeymoon period ended and all the little things his boyfriend did were really starting to bother him. The way Gamzee never brought him back anything from his trips to the beach, the way Gamzee didn't really touch him anymore, the way Gamzee refused to admit that there was even the possibility of a fight when Karkat was angry, the way Gamzee took his friends' sides more frequently than he took Karkat's. All of the things that had only bothered him a little bit before had turned into monumental flaws that Karkat couldn't look past.
However, Karkat could handle it. He could handle the time Gamzee was sober and had looked at him and said "I can't handle this" when Karkat was crying, he could handle Gamzee's accidental insensitivity, he could handle Gamzee's emotional constipation, he could even handle the fact that Gamzee had forgotten all five of their anniversaries regardless of the fact that Karkat had bought him a gift for each one. The one thing Karkat could not handle, his breaking point, was Tavros. The Filipino in the grade below them was the bane of Karkat's miserable existence. There wasn't anything really wrong with him, but when it came to Gamzee, Tavros had always made Karkat feel threatened. He was just too nice, and it drove the albino absolutely insane. He could handle the younger boy in doses, but when Gamzee had made him spend the entire Fourth of July weekend with him, Karkat had almost strangled his boyfriend. Things hadn't been the same after that, and it had been mostly Karkat's fault. They fought more often, albeit passive-aggressively, Gamzee had stopped paying for Karkat on dates, and both of them complained about the distance they had to drive home after hanging out at each other's houses.
If Karkat had been in the right state of mind, he could have easily waited for this storm to pass. However, due to the state of chaos both his mind and his life were consistently in, Tavros had been the straw to break his back. However, Karkat couldn't help but be conflicted about his decision to end things with his boyfriend. He was worried about the repercussions. He didn't want to lose Gamzee as a friend, and he didn't want to hurt his feelings. Karkat also couldn't help but remember all of the best parts about dating Gamzee and how happy he'd been in the beginning. He knew he was grasping at straws by this point, he simply hadn't wanted to admit it to himself. He snapped out of his thoughts as the first chord to Hallelujah came through his speakers, feeling tears spring to his eyes as he felt even guiltier than he had before. He pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned youth group, putting his car in park as he let his forehead fall with a thump against the steering wheel. Karkat hadn't been entirely honest with himself about his true breaking point. Fourth of July had been a hard time indeed, but things had really gone south when Karkat had gotten a job at the movie theatre at the beginning of August.
He hadn't known anyone working there when he'd first started, but there was a kid he'd recognized from his Senior year physics class. Karkat had mostly stuck to himself, wearing contacts when he didn't have to check the theatres so that he didn't "scare the customers". He hated it, but the albino needed the money. After a week or two he couldn't help but notice the strange blond from his class. He still wore his ridiculous sunglasses, his hair was still perfect, and he was every bit as attractive as Karkat remembered him to be. Karkat was careful, though. He made sure to never be alone with the guy-Dave, according to the nametag he wore pinned to his shirt-but he couldn't avoid him for long. The albino's car had been in the shop for almost a week, his father too busy to come pick him up, his brother too annoying, and Gamzee had had some lame excuse that Karkat couldn't be bothered to remember. All of this considered, the only option was for Karkat to put a request in the employee group chat for a ride to and from work. Dave had been the first, and only, to answer.
To say Karat had been anxious about this arrangement would have been the understatement of the year. The albino was undeniably attracted to his coworker, and he knew that Gamzee would lose his crap if he were to understand the circumstances. Then again, with how things had been going, maybe he wouldn't have cared at all. Maybe he would have been relieved to get rid of Karkat. The thoughts were upsetting, but oddly comforting at the same time. By employing just one of his many self destructive habits, it hadn't been hard at all for the albino to distance himself emotionally and mentally from the situation as he sensed this impending separation. Even with the storm brewing in his brain, Karkat somehow found the rides to and from work to actually be pretty enjoyable. He had little in common with his coworker, but Dave said stupid things that made him laugh, let Karkat DJ even though he complained about the albino's taste in music, flirted shamelessly and constantly, and didn't get mad when Karkat argued with him. It had felt innocent enough getting to know Dave. It had even been fun, up until three days ago.
Karkat shut his eyes as he thought about it, hating himself silently. It had been a particularly bad day, and the albino was very quiet as Dave took him home that night. He'd gotten into a heated argument with Gamzee just before clocking in, had worked yet another closing shift, and was quite upset about the entire situation and his life in general. Dave had put up with the silence for a while before pulling into the parking lot of Walmart and stopping the car to look at him.
"What's wrong, Kitkat?" he demanded more than he asked.
Karkat grumbled in response, turning his head to look out the window in favor of the blond seeing him cry. He wasn't expecting Dave to reach across the seat and unplug his phone from the aux, but didn't argue as the taller boy connected his own. He looked up as Hallelujah began to play through the speakers, frowning as Dave turned it up as high as it could go, unlocked the doors, and got out of the car. He was more than confused as the blond opened his own door, unbuckled him, and held out a hand to pull him up. The albino surprised himself when he took it, letting Dave lead him out of the car and settle his free hand on Karkat's waist.
"What are you doing?" Karkat asked through a sigh, tired of all the games the blond had been putting him through.
"Shut up and dance with me, Karkitty," he teased.
The albino did just that, laying his other hand on the blond's shoulder and letting himself be led. He wasn't sure how he got there, but by the end of the song Karkat was pressed against the blond, his head on his shoulder. Both of Dave's arms had moved to wrap around his waist, and Karkat was more than confused by what he was feeling.
"Karkat?" Dave said softly.
He looked up quickly, more out of shock that the blond had used his real name than anything else. The next thing Karkat knew, Dave was leaning in and Karkat let him-no.
Karkat's brain launched him back into the present he refocused on the parking lot in front of him. The albino sat back as he noticed just how shaky his breathing was. He couldn't think about this right now. Dave needed to be the last thing on his mind while he talked to Gamzee. He hadn't realized he was crying until he looked in his rearview mirror, able to see the tear tracks easily then. Karkat chuckled nervously as he turned off his music entirely. He was determined not to get distracted as he drove the rest of the way to Gamzee's, a monster made of doubt eating him from the inside out the entire way. He felt the need to vomit as he pulled into his usual spot across the road from Gamzee's, sitting quietly in his car as he looked towards the house.
Taking a deep breath, the albino pushed his door open before letting his feet hit the asphalt.