Five Things Dwight Schrute Wants the World to Know about Jim Halpert

by TolkienGirl

What the title says, foolish mortal. (No real spoilers. No slash.)

A/N: Oh, Dwight.

1. Jim Halpert is not an Alpha Male. He resorts to tactics that are about undermining authority, rather than seeking to establish it for himself. Jim Halpert is the humanoid equivalent of a lesser ape in the wild, throwing dirt in the face of a silverback.

2. Jim Halpert does not dress for success. Fact: he does not care about his job. Dress for the job you have because it is the job you have always wanted. Dress also for the job you want, because the job you have can be made better by self-application and rigorous loyalty. Jim Halpert does not tie his tie with the kind of precision that builds an empire. Jim Halpert has not committed to a hairstyle through thick and thin. It isn't easy, combing the same way every day. It shouldn't be. Jim's unruly mop is proof of his reckless and damaging lethargy.

3. Jim Halpert does not know the words to Survivor's seminal and legendary hit song, "Eye of the Tiger." Despite its ubiquity and cultural relevance, Jim Halpert has seen fit to disregard this song's significance. It is for this reason that others in the office (Initials: D.K.S.) were morally and culturally required to sing the entirety of this legendary hit song several times. Three, to be exact. Jim Halpert struggled shamefully with understanding the line "the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night," and needed it to be repeated.

4. Jim Halpert is not a lady's man. The attentions he receives from the female members of the office staff should not be seen as a contrary indicator. Jim Halpert is not well-versed, nay, even versed in the ways of flirting. He does not understand the finer points or any points of the art of seduction. This art is not for the weak. The weak are Jim Halpert. More grammatically, Jim Halpert is weak.

5. Jim Halpert will die young. This is not a threat. This is not an idle speculation. This is a fact. This is a prediction based upon habits of soda-drinking, time-wasting, and failure to respect the temple of his body. Jim Halpert has mastered no martial arts. He has not studied ancient rites of meditation or self-improvement. His current health and metabolism are merely nature's cruel deceptions. Jim Halpert's days are numbered.

6. Coda: Thus concludes the two-hundred-and-seventy-fifth diary entry of Dwight K. Schrute.