My word! This has been a long bout of inactivity and I am truly sorry. There has been a lot going on in my life all at the same time which has meant I have had no time to write. However, I will be sitting my final exams in June and then I am out of education forever! After that, I plan to be more active. Anyways, feel free to leave a review or PM me, for a chat or an idea for a Hetalia short (I'm stuck there at the moment! Romano's my baby!)Also, if any of your lovely artists out there would like to doodle something I could use as a thumbnail, I would really appreciate it!
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How to care for your Spaniard
In the centuries I have spent living with Spain, I am still trying to figure him out. Being a surprisingly complex person, I am constantly finding out new things about him. To aid with my memory of what I have learnt, I have written this guide for myself on the care and keeping of Spain.
Compulsion to care for: Due to the loss of his colonies and defeat at the hands of England, Spain has developed a compulsive need to care for others. At least that is what I assume is the cause, not really understanding it myself. While this compulsion has its pros; I get to be the boss and have a willing slave while Spain himself actually enjoys looking after me - though I prefer to see it as him just doing what I say – the cons are worse.
The idiot is so determined to take care of me, that he neglects to take care of himself.
This is naturally a distressing thought which adds a pretty hefty chunk of guilt to my already shitty sense of self-esteem. Though what's worse is that I still, after all this time, haven't yet made my mind up as to whether he legitimately forgets that despite being a Nation he still needs to eat and sleep, or if he simply doesn't care.
Initially, when I tried to get him to quit coddling me – "Dammit, I'm not your henchman anymore! I can look after myself!" – He sulked for days. Eventually I grew tired of his moping and cooking my own food, so I made a compromise with myself. I would let him resume his strange obsession on the condition that I would keep a close eye on his health and put my foot down when he starts becoming self-destructive again.
Feeding: One of his self-destructive habits is that he skips meals regularly, either out of forgetfulness or if he's gotten distracted by something.
My first attempts to rectify this didn't quite work out.
At first, I didn't want my concern to be too apparent, so I generously cooked enough pasta for both of us one night as I didn't trust him to make his own food.
His portion remained untouched. Or it did until I added it to mine; if he wasn't going to eat it then I wasn't going to waste it!
Next, I tried my fall-back; yelling at him. To his credit, it worked for about two days, until he drifted back into his old habits.
My third attempt was a success. I sat him down and told him that I was worried about his habits, though not quite in those words; "If you get sick or die, then who'll protect me from that French pervert?!" Then, I took out the big guns; "Fine then, idiot! Since it's the only way to get it through your thick skull, from now on, I'll only eat when you do!"
Worked like a charm. He gave me a peculiar little frown as his protective instincts kicked in, before heading into the kitchen and cooking a shit-tonne of paella.
It was the best paella I had ever had. It tasted like victory.
Sleeping Patterns: Spain sleep hugs. After our relationship shifted into less platonic territory and we would regularly share a bed, I would be assaulted nearly every night by four alarmingly strong limbs and yanked back against a firm, pleasantly warm chest. Deciding that since he was asleep and there was no one else around to see, I could cuddle into his warmth and escape in the morning before he woke up, to save some dignity.
Unfortunately for me, escape was nearly impossible. His grip would not slacken and no matter how much I squirmed I was stuck. To make matters worse, my elbow jerked back a little more than I wanted it too, catching Spain hard in the ribs.
His eyes snapped open in an almost comic fashion as he grunted in surprise, pushed back with the force of the blow.
Too far, as it turned out, as he was pushed off the edge of the bed to land in a heap on the hardwood floor.
Usually, I would have found this hilarious, after I got over the embarrassment of my muscles, again, not doing what I tell them. I would have cackled at his misfortune before checking to make sure he wasn't actually hurt, and the day would continue as normal.
But as it turned out, luck was not on my side.
Spain's grip did not loosen as he tipped over the edge of the mattress, in fact, it instinctively tightened.
So as he went down, I followed.
Exercise: Now, since this is private, I'll be the first one to say that Spain is in great physical condition, but has the mentality of a puppy and therefore needs regular exercise to rid of excess energy. Gardening and Suerte de Capote are pretty effective activities; gardening equals fresh tomatoes and his pet bull is too much of a softy for Spain to be in any danger. However, Spain's favourite activity is dancing. This is unfortunate for me in two ways.
One: Spain dancing anywhere near is an incredible distraction.
Two: He'll make me join.
Now it's not that I can't dance; I can dance pretty damn well! It's more that dancing with Spain regularly becomes less about exercise and more about…building to something else, if you catch my drift.
Bathing: Spain does not like baths. He always gravitates towards showers whenever the option is available and will childishly refuse to get in the bath if it's not.
However, I have come up with two fool proof methods of getting him in the bath.
One: Give him bath toys.
A Nation with the body of a grown man and the age equalling more than those of all his citizens added up, should not squeal with delight at the sight of a rubber duck and a couple of plastic ships. When I checked up on him to make sure he hadn't drowned or anything, I was greeted to the sight of a dramatic re-enactment of his pirate days, with what I can only assume was Britain's ship being dramatically hurled across the room with a cry of "¡Que el sol no se ponga en el imperio español!"
Two: Get in the damn bath with him.
Let's face it, by this point do you have any pride left? The only thing I'll say on this point is to remind him to wash his hair, as he'll be too focussed on washing yours otherwise.
Socializing: Spain is an incredibly social and tactile person who regularly needs to socialise with others or else you're stuck with a mopey man-child shadowing you.
As much as I dislike them, I have come to the conclusion that it is beneficial for both Spain and myself for him to go out semi-regularly with France and Prussia.
If they are unavailable, his pet bull and turtle are acceptable substitutes. He'll spend hours with them both; insisting that the baby turtle thinks he's its mother or running around with a sheet pilfered off the washing line to wave in front of the bull's face.
However, these don't quite his social requirements as well as his annoying friends do, so he'll bother you instead.
I've lost count of the amount of times I've been forced to watch some Romantic Comedy as he tries to pull me further onto his lap without me noticing.
Praise: Like that of a puppy, Spain needs positive reinforcement for whenever he behaves well. There are a number of ways that you can do this, depending on how obvious you want to be with your affections.
Food: Tomatoes work best, though chocolates are also well received. Give him one whenever he does a task right. He will quickly catch on and will either attempt to recreate the task or find new ones to do in order to get more rewards.
Allowing affection: Not resisting the next time he hugs you is another good way of getting the point across. Unfortunately, if you allow him to hug you, I cannot guarantee that he'll let you go any time soon.
Pretending to fall asleep on: Only use this one if you are feeling particularly affectionate. When sitting together on the sofa, begin leaning on him, lightly at first but gradually increase the weight you place on him, as though you have fallen asleep. He will wait a few minutes before moving your head to his lap and petting your hair gently; an act that I am ashamed to admit is incredibly soothing. And if you're careful, you can crack your eyes open just enough to see the massive grin he wears, which makes the loss of your dignity slightly easier to bare.
Discipline: On the other hand, when Spain upsets or angers me, or otherwise acts inappropriately, negative reinforcement is required.
A squirt bottle full of water should be kept handy. Ordering him to stand facing the wall in a time out is also effective, though it may take a few attempts to get him to stay there; he regularly leaves the time out corner and follows me around, begging forgiveness before I lead him back. Pretending that he doesn't exist should be used sparingly, as he will become quite upset after a while and will begin to question his existence.
When it comes to discipline, there are three vital rules that must be followed.
One: Never, I repeat, NEVER, hit Spain. Small taps and elbows are accepted as he's pretty strong and they are never meant to hurt, but to cause momentary discomfort. To hit Spain with the intention of causing pain is something I would never forgive myself for doing.
Two: He, mostly, accepts and avoids your insecurities - when he's not being completely oblivious, - so do the same. Spain, like every other Nation has done things he's not proud of and that haunt him to this day. To bring them up and throw them in his face is lower than low.
Three: Always forgive him. As difficult as it is for you to believe sometimes, Spain loves you, and would never deliberately hurt you. However, that doesn't mean you can't drag it out for an hour or two.
The Pout: The Pout is a tactic used by Spain which is so incredibly potent that there has not yet been a case of it not working. While it is futile in the long run, try to delay your inevitable cracking for as long as possible. This makes it appear that the fallout was more your idea and lets you maintain some power and dignity. Whether Spain knows of this tactic and does this deliberately has not yet been confirmed.
Scars: As a result of his past as a Nation, Spain has numerous scars over his body which represent several important events. These events are still raw and the marks are a touchy subject for him. After he realizes you've noticed them, he may become closed off or defensive and will likely not answer any questions regarding them. One way to get past this is to let him see your own scars as a Nation, levelling the playing field as it were. After that, you may take it in turns to ask about each other's.
After he showed me the crisscross of scars on his back from the destruction of his armada, and I showed him the puckered pink groove just above my right hip – having Vesuvius as your appendix meant for one hell of a bout of appendicitis – we both held each other tightly for the rest of the night.
Soothing/Calming: While Spain is usually a very laid back and cheerful person, he, like everyone else can have lows. An upset Spain is a very distressing sight and let me tell you, you'll do whatever it takes to pull him out of this mood.
When sad, a fool proof method would be to lay his head on your lap and comb your fingers through his hair. The repetitive and fairly intimate nature of the act will soon have him relaxed and sleepy. Do not pressure him into talking, but make sure that you are willing to listen if he wants you to. While this method has not yet failed, it often results in him falling asleep on you and therefore trapping you for a few hours, so be sure to be in a comfortable position for this outcome.
When angry, the best thing to do is to let him get it all out. He will never hurt you, but a raging Spaniard will always be a terrifying sight. Do not attempt to leave the room for he will see this as you abandoning him. Do not try to reply, all questions will be rhetorical and definitely do not yell or talk back to. After his rage has died down significantly, he will become aware that he has scared you and will likely fall into an upset mood due to this. This is when you can effectively use the previous method to sooth him and assure him that everything is ok.
It's been hundreds of years already, and I anticipate hundreds more. Any new discoveries will be added into this journal for future reference.
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"¡El sol no se pone en el imperio español!" - "May the sun never set on the Spanish Empire!" (If I'm wrong, someone please let me know and I'll change it ASAP!)
Suerte de Capote - Essentially bullfighting without the morbid ending.