shades of purest pink
by Joanna Seta
Onee-san?
Onee-san…?
Onee-san, where are you?
small feet, very small. soft, soft-- and gentle, so gentle, against a floor of shadows. the sound is muffled by the tabi that protect them from the cold. (but everything is cold here, is it not?) the shifuku whispers silently in the emptiness. hesitant – his breathing.
you hesitate?
child, child, lost in the dark…… only you do not fear the dark, do you? you deal with it, little bird, you deal with the dark, and the gloom, and the evil, and the terrible shadows they feed. you return the vengeful souls, the violent spirits – you soothe them, lead them to a higher plane… you turn the perfidious energies into light. that was what you were taught, was it not? your family, your blood, your heritage, your responsibility, your duty… isn't it so? you walk for them, little bird, instead of flying your dreams, the path by your kin treaded since immemorial times (to protect japan, ha! the world is going to end in 1999…). to face the dark – that's what you do, baby, child – limit it, light it, send it back where it belongs (to hell? to the human heart?).
innocent, so innocent! six years old: so terribly childish and terribly oblivious. big expressive eyes (they do not hide a thing, your eyes, do they?) of an unique emerald green. was it not your innocence, your naïveté, that made Him notice you?
children are to be made old, in the end.
'Nee-san!
a change of current. he falls to his knees in the shadows. he curls his body around himself.. a cocoon of flesh and ritual silk.
they devour him, the shadows. devour him, devour him.
he belongs to the light. they devour him, devour him.
he belongs to the darkness.
no.
he belongs to Him.
Subaru…
she is not very tall. nipponese women are rarely so. she is normal.
her hair is short and black, black, black. but it is not /dark/. no. it does not remind him of the darkness, the evil and the shadows.
the shadows, the darkness and the evil are pink.
they were white, but turned pink – stained by the blood they feed upon, the blood of the corpses buried under the roots.
He said it was so.
the little bird knows that His words are lies, but he believes in them.
he saw Him feeding her. the sakura tree. (and even if he hadn't seen, he would believe it, still. those are things you feel. things that are).
Subaru!
but he saw, and he forgot.
he forgot the blood of some nameless one staining His hands-- His hands.
he forgot he should feel fear and terror.
he forgot he should flee.
but there was no possible escape, was there?
(after all, to love Him is destiny…)
he saw and heard, but forgot.
he forgot His cold smile.
Subaru! You were but a child! It was not your fault! You couldn't know!
and if he had known, would he have done differently?
not even for you, who are his sister.
You couldn't have known!
……………I should have known!
he forgot that in His expression there were no emotions other than indifference and a cold – freezing! – contentment. he forgot that that hadn't frightened him. that the little bird had approached the predator and asked him how the claws, the teeth, the powerful jaws worked.
he forgot that he had cared for the corpses underneath the earth.
and for caring, he had pricked His interest.
He did not know how to feel.
(…He wished to feel…)
Subaru, think… what could have you done?
he forgot the markings upon his small hands – the markings of His prey (kissed by the hunter, blessed by the blood of the possessor) – which conveyed a very simple message:
Seishirou was already a most powerful onmyouji. You were only six! How could you have--!
Hokuto-chan, it doesn't matter. That afternoon I became--
"today, I shan't kill you"
--something--
"but your life"
"is mine to harvest."
--something--
"tomorrow"
"afterwards"
"it doesn't matter"
--I became something--
"you are mine."
Of His. spoken with reverence. and a tremor.
For ever.
curled up gently – like one who hides and knows he cannot. doubled upon himself. hugging his knees. rocking softly. lying upon pink shadows.
a child. who is not, anymore. a little bird. with clipped wings.
He-- he said?
an expectant silence.
He said he loved me.
Yes, he said that. So do I. I love you very much, Subaru.
silence. he clings with renewed strength to his own flesh. the shadows surround him yet (they will surround him. forever).
So do I. I love you, too. Hokuto. 'Nee-san.
I… he doesn't love me.
reluctance.
No. He doesn't love you.
a sob.
Why?
she glides in the air.
it's normal. she's incorporeal. and-- softly softly, she comes closer. approaches him.
What did he promise you…… Subaru?
One year. One year after our second meeting.
One year…?
Yes, one year. One year with me. One year being kind. One year being cheerful. One year being nice. One year smiling charmingly. One year being affectionate. One year watching over me. One year protecting me. One year telling me he of his love for me.
That was what hurt you most? His saying he loved you? Lying?
the small fists relax, releasing the fabric that covered his legs in a quiet whisper.
slowly, like a small flower, the little bird awakes and unfolds, stretches and grows up, expands and embraces.
No.
a child. who is not, anymore. a little bird. with clipped wings.
sixteen years. sweet sweet. a bitter-tasting honey. a sinful innocence.
What hurts…
…what hurts is loving someone he is not.
he gets up. and rises. the shadows devour him. he is part of the shadows. he is light.
above all, he is His.
He killed you.
Yes. I asked him to.
he looks at her in the eyes. with eyes of a dove. empty empty empty and black black. and dark. and green. and innocent. and intense. and in love. oh, subaru!
I miss you.
I know.
warm skin on the mystic air of her soul. comfort. familiarity. safety. arms that envelop and embrace and cling and hold and don't let go-- desperately.
she is spirit, but he embraces the spirits.
and she is warm. much warmer. warmer than fire. and lava. and the centre of the earth.
but she is not warmer than Him.
I love you, Hokuto.
I love you, Subaru.
an embrace that prolongs itself in time. a time that is no time at all, since it does not exist.
a soul in separate but identical bodies. twins.
It hurts to love someone that he is not. It really hurts.
tears.
Love who he is.
a caress. comfort. advice.
I love. fiercely. Whoever he may be. I love him. Him.
Ah…
tears.
Why? Why doesn't he love me?
He killed me. He hurt you.
He abused your trust. He betrayed you. He lied to you. He killed. He hurt. He hurt.
Yes. I know. And I'll never forgive him.
anger.
I hate him.
fear.
I love him. Whoever he is.
despair.
Subaru…
I belong to him.
the hours are never hours when you love. a year is rarely so. the minutes are indistinct. but the seconds – those – are an eternity. the broken bird's sister knows it.
she wishes – she hopes – for you to hold on to them…
she hopes in vain.
a year is all your life.
her time that never was has come to an end. she leaves him.
why does He not love you, dove?
I'm his.
don't breathe.
I am. His.
don't hesitate.
His.
love.
Seishirou-san.
because He…
He …you…
For. Ever.
SMALL JAPANESE DICTIONARY:
-chan – honorific; reflects an intimate friendship, caring, affection.
-san – honorific; signifies a certain distance, respect.
onee-san – elder sister.
onmyouji – Japanese spiritual medium.
sakura – cherry blossom.
shifuku – casual wear. I use this word according to what I have read in other fics, referring to the ritual robes often worn by Subaru when performing magic that exact a higher level of concentration and protection from him.
tabi – two-fingered socks, characteristic of the Nipponese traditional wear.