Dance Cards: Haymitch on account
Author: Howlynn
Realm: The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
Story Title: Dance Cards: Haymitch on account.
Summary: We all know in theory what the victors have to do. This is a little Peek into our favorite victor's appointments. Several drabbles and bits – some will be funny, some sad, who knows, maybe both. Rated M - because sex is scarier than death to most people.
Character/Relationships: Effie and Haymitch.
I Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Haymitch pulled at his damned frumpy tie. Twenty-three years of this shit and still primped and pimped. Hell, he hated it so much he refused to take a shower any other time. Having the hairs plucked from his groin was no more fun now than the first time it occurred. His year as a tribute, when they made him look pretty so the crowds would not be offended by a few stray pubic hairs as they watched his intestines try to escape from the confines of his body, was still his favorite.
He hoped this stupid bitch wasn't one of the kinky ones. He'd nearly come to the point that he hated women and he flat out hated men long ago. He rattled his box of peppermints. That always drove the silly ones wild and saved his gag reflex for more important matters, like booze. He had other devices he called tongue-savers. ' Avoxy' is code word for victors, for tongue-shriveling awful appointment. The peppermint helped, but even that was not enough for some of his encounters.
Once the kids entered the arena, he would have time off, plus twenty-four hours after they met fate. They never made him take appointments while he had living tributes, but that was because he was the only mentor for District 12. Odair was not as lucky. They pawed him during his tributes battles and most of the year for that matter. He only got away from it when he began to wear so thin they had to let him have a few weeks back in four. Healing was often the only time poor Finn was allowed a few days of sanity in a row.
Haymitch took one last pull from his flask, sighed and knocked on the door. It swung open and he entered. His pasty smile turned genuine as he saw who he was required to fulfill wild dreams for this night. Opening ceremonies going off like a blaze of perfection and now this, the day may be recorded as one of his better. "Hello, Effie. And here I thought I had offended you at the reaping, my dear?"
"You are a wicked man. How dare you kiss me before all Panem and play like you were so drunk. You could have been injured," she says, crossing her arms in annoyance.
"I was drunk. Bulletproof actually. Peeta had to help me take a shower in fact. That got us off to a good start." He inhaled her deeply as he took her in his arms. He nibbled at her neck.
She shoves him away and he smirks and just stands there waiting. Effie glares at him as he pops two peppermints in his mouth and grins at her with them clenched in his teeth. Fury fills her face as she asks, "Are you saying I am going Avoxy? You asinine weasel…"
"No, I am not saying that. I should have not opted for the second helping of garlic sauce if I had known it was you. You paid for the asinine weasel; there is still time for a refund minus the monkey duds and the restocking fee." Haymitch crunches the mints seductively.
"You look very handsome in Cinna's design. Do you like it?" she asks shy but pleased with herself. She would never send him away for a refund. She had seen him punished for it once and had repaid the woman for her lie. Haymitch didn't even know she knew, much less that Effie had broken into the woman's house and replaced the shampoo controller with mild strawberry scented hair melting acid.
"It will just be on the floor ten minutes from now. Waste of money. You know why I do what I do. Not all of these encounters are within this realm. Why do you even do this, sweetheart? I have told you in the past we could arrive at other arrangements." His voice is a district purr that he somehow pulled off as the sexiest voice in the capitol.
Effie sighs. She shrugs a little and takes a seat on the couch. Patting it for him to join her, she says, "It is the only time you let me boss you around. "
"Who knows what would happen if we upset that balance of power. Your wig might change color if you let me be in charge for tonight. You'd want to follow me home to the coal mines, reeking with the unfortunate designation of Mrs. Abernathy. Before you knew it you would be firing pink headed babies and ordering sumptuous bowls of dog chowder on cold winter days before curling up by the fire and telling me our gray snow is romantic, as you beg for my drunken kisses," he says all of this as he runs his hand up her arm, down her spine and moves his lips toward her soft neck again.
She kisses him, almost instantly in desire. She had never been able to understand the reaction she had to him. He worked at being as unfashionable and disgusting as he could. He often wished aloud that he could figure out Beetee's anti-seduction formula, but even at his worst, she wanted him. He was still expensive, but he was not overrated. Twice a year, she splurged. "That sounds like the most depressing proposal in the universe. Besides Haymitch, this keeps me honest. I will never make the mistake of dreaming I could have you all to myself. Seeder and Chaff have made this life work for them, but I do not have that kind of fortitude. It would kill me if you were mine and you had to return to me after your dance cards had been danced. This is for the best, dearest man. I will keep you on account. Now take it off, all of it. And hang it up, neatly," she says with lust all over her face as she hands him a hanger.
Haymitch stands and bows slightly. His fingers slide the knot of the tie down in one motion, and whip it from around his neck. "Your wish Madam," he says as if she'd asked to lash him. He smiles painfully as he accepts the wooden hanger from her hand, with all the joy one would reserve for being handed a pet poisonous snake.
When she is finished with him, he does not rush away. He holds her and strokes her skin. She has pleased him, as always, and he loves her for it. Before he leaves, he pleases her again, just because he wants to.
"You know, Haymitch, you are worth every bit of the expense," she mumbles in his chest.
"I know, sweetheart. I love you too. And, I always will."
The following morning, as she rouses tributes and the most annoying mentor in the history of mentors, her mind goes a little loopy as she sees what hangs neatly in Haymitch's closet. "We have a really big...big…Big day."
Haymitch follows her glance to the suit hung with perfect care and he smirks. His eyebrows pop once and he gives her his most innocent little boy face for a split second, before resuming his hung-over grouchy scowl. A new tradition it wasn't, but one suit in Abernathy's painfully ugly wardrobe, never found the floor.
Review Please - and feel free to request your pleasure - along with hotness level you require - evil grin. This story is an F1 - Haymitch - ie a little whirlwind...hehe. F5 is 200mph humpin' funnel cloud on the ground headed to the north east at 35 mph... please seek shelter.