Teenaged Australian girls are absolutely bonkers. I should know, I'm one of them (smiley face). My Drama group came up with this for our TV Parody assessment. And we performed it in front of an audience on a Thursday night. It's not as good in writing as it is when you actually see it being performed. If anyone wants to know a bit more about it just say so in the revvie.

Fibres and Deoxyribonucleic acid,

Anita

CSI: MIAMI

'That was disgusting!'

The woman yells, coming home from a restaurant. She is soon followed by what appears to be a clown with a red afro wig, clown-style lips and face make-up, knee-high stripped socks, bright yellow shirt and a tie. He also has his yellow polka-dotted boxer shorts over his other pants.

'It was fine!' he yells back.

'No it wasn't! It was still mooing on my plate!'

'I tell you, it was fine!'

'I'm gonna tell the Health Department on you!'

The clown gives the woman a challenging glare. 'You wouldn't dare.'

'Watch me.' says the woman, full of defiance.

The clown brings his hand up to his wig and pulls out a long thin tube. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bit of paper. The paper makes it's way into the clowns mouth, where it is chewed up. The tube is brought to the clowns mouth. He breathes in then out.

POP

'Eek! You shot my $2 implant, you stupid clown!'

The clown searches for something. The woman watches this impatiently. He looks in every single pocket he has, but does not find what he is looking for.

'Do you have a bit of paper I could borrow?' the clown asks the woman.

The woman searches her pockets, still clutching her ruptured breast, and produces a bit of paper. She passes it to the clown. The clown gratefully accepts the paper, places it in his mouth, chews and spits it out through the tube.

POP

'Eeeaaagghhhhh...!'

The woman continues to wail for a few minutes before slowly dropping to the ground, dead.

The clown laughs and evil laugh and flees the scene like Cindy from Scary Movie...

YEAH!

CSI: Miami theme song

Horatio is seen in front of beautiful Miami scenery, hands on hips, glasses on. He then gets a comb and begins combing his hair.

Alex is in post mortem. Not her personally, but actually performing a post mortem test. She is covered in blood and holding a power drill.

Callie is standing in a random location, looking at her reflection in the mirror with a magnifying glass, twirling her hair around her finger.

'We don't get any money for this!'

CRIME SCENE

Horatio walks under the yellow crime tape stuff and makes his way to Callie. He stands next to her, hands on his hips and looks to his left.

'What have we here, Callie?'

'Appears to be female, Caucasian.' answers Callie from Horatio's right.

'Did you find anything interesting?'

'Hmm...'

Callie scans over the murder scene, pulls out her tongs and produces a bright red afro wig.

'I think I found a fibre!' she exclaims.

'Good work, Callie. That could have easily been missed.'

'I'll bag it and send it off to the lab.' Callie places the wig in a brown paper bag. 'What do you think happened, Horatio?'

'I don't know, Callie, but I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to bag this body and take it to post mortem.'

They place the body into the body bag and begin to zip it up, all the way to the head.

'Don't cover her head!' Callie nearly screams. 'She'll suffocate.'

POST MORTEM EXAMINATION ROOM THINGY

Horatio walks into the most mortem examination room thingy. Alex is standing over the body her welding mask on. Her floral shower cap was covered in bits and blood. More bits and blood splattered as Alex's chainsaw cut off the victim's leg.

'What have you got for me, Alex?' Horatio asks the ceiling light in the far corner of the room.

'Well, Horatio, I found large quantities of Deoxyribonucleic Acid in her system.' Alex snaps her fingers and bobs her head.

'Interesting. Anything else?' Horatio is still looking at the ceiling light.

'I found bits of chewed up paper right where her breast should be.'

'I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll take them to Callie for examination.' Horatio holds out a hand and looks in the opposite direction to where Alex is. Alex places the bag of chewed up paper in Horatio's hand.

'Here are the stomach contents.' Alex gives Horatio a brown paper bag.

Horatio opens the bag and looks in. A loud moo is heard from inside the paper bag.

'It appears to be a mass-produced hamburger. And it's still alive.' Horatio walks out of the post mortem examination room thingy.

Alex grabs the body's hand. 'We'll find who did this to you, darlin'.' she wails. 'You didn't deserve this! YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!!'

LAB

Horatio walks in, poses and looks at the 'Exit' sign above the door on the adjacent wall.

'What have you got for me, Callie?'

'The fibre I found is what is scientifically referred to as a wig. But there are no ways of identifying who it belongs to.' Callie answers. She is looking at the wig under a microscope.

'Look Callie!' exclaims Horatio, still looking at the 'Exit' sign. 'There appears to be a name in the wig.

Callie looks. 'It reads "Ronald McDonald".'

'I'll tell you what we're going to do. Get this Ronald McDonald and bring him in for...' dramatic pause. 'Interrogation.'

INTERROGATION

'This way, Mr. McDonald.' Callie says as she leads Ronald McDonald into the interrogation room. She then hangs him on the wall by his thumbs.

'He's all yours, Horatio.' Callie walks off, leaving Horatio to do his thing.

Horatio enters, clad in nothing but a black leather, studded underwear. He cracks a cat-of-nine-tails. He walks around, eyeing Ronald, for a good five minutes.

'You killed Roxy, didn't you?' Horatio told the spider on the spider web in the corner.

'No.' says Ronald, as if it were obvious.

Horatio scoffs. He walks annoyingly slowly to Ronald's right side, where there was a blackboard. Horatio scratches his fingernails down the board, creating that annoying scratchy sound you get when you do that.

Ronald screams in pain.

'Did you kill Roxy?' Horatio asked again.

Ronald nodded. 'No.'

'Where you anywhere near the crime scene?'

'No.'

'Then explain this.' Horatio holds up the bright red wig.

'That's not my wig.' scoffs Ronald.

'Indeed.' Horatio makes his way slowly to a strategically placed desk. 'Then you won't mind me doing this!'

Horatio pulls out a pair of scissors and threateningly holds the wig in the air so Ronald can see. The scissors ready to cut.

'No! Not my wig!' wails Ronald.

'Here's what I thing happened.' announced Horatio. 'Roxy was at your restaurant, but she didn't like your burgers-'

'It was fine!'

'-She was going to report you to the health department, so you killed her. And now...'

Horatio leans on the wall Ronald is chained to and looks seductively at him.

'...You're here with me.'

Ronald licks his lips, just as seductively.

'Are you done in there, Horatio?' Callie interrupts the interrogation.

Horatio started. 'Yes. My work here is done.' he walks away.

'See you in five.' says Ronald has Horatio walks by.

'Five years maybe.' Horatio flicks his hair. 'You're going to be in prison for a long time.'

Horatio leaves the chained up Ronald McDonald still chained up.

'Five years is nothing!' Ronald screams. 'I'll be out of here in no time!'

Ronald laughs manically, until the lights go off. Ronald's laughter slowly dies.

'Um,' Ronald stutters. 'Can you leave the lights on, please?'

A small light comes on at his feet, barely making a difference.

'Thankyou.'

THE END

CREDITS

Devised, Created, Written, Directed and Performed by---- The Karratha Senior High School Year 10 Drama Class of Term 3 2004 (group 2, I was Alex)