Hailfire Vulpe: I just HAD to do this! I just saw the movie The Ring, and the whole time thinking how I could make this into parody-form. XD
Disclaimer: I do not own Kirby. As always...*sigh*
Here we go:
TEH RING
Fumu examined the newspaper through narrowed eyes. It was yet another story about a teenager death. Meta Knight walked by her chair, "Psh. Who reads those things anymore?" he scoffed. Fumu eyed him icily and put the news aside,
"Another teenager death, aparently." she sighed, "Those kids...should've forwarded that email."
Meta Knight shrugged, "Why are emails involved?"
Fumu shook her head, "Nothing. Just some dark humor..." she looked thoughtful for a second, "You know what...I want to investigate this last kid's death." she announced, and began cutting the photos of the dead kid and her still-living companion out of her paper.
Meta Knight looked at her, "Why spend your Friday night playing foresnic officer?"
Fumu shrugged, "I, like the author of this story, have no social life."
Kirby suddenly walked in, looking emo for no reason, "What's going on?" he asked, "Why are there people breaking the fourth wall?"
"Nothing," Fumu said, "I'm going on a trip tonight. Don't flush yourself down the toilet again." she said and raced out of her house.
Kirby shook a pink fist at her, "NEVER SPEAK OF IT." he snarled after her.
...
Fumu walked deep into Whispy Woods, where there was some sort of Inn where the last kid had died. She opened the door, and some dude was standing there playing Solitare with himself. Fumu smiled politely, "Hello." she said.
"PICK A CARD." the man yelled, jabbing his deck at the girl sharply. Fumu blinked and plucked an Ace from the deck. "Now put it back, and don't let me see it." the man instructed. Fumu shrugged and pushed the card back among the others. While the man shuffled his deck, Fumu put a few photos down on the counter,
"Have any kids like this been here?" she asked. The man eyed her pictures and nodded,
"Yep. She and her friend stayed in Room Twelve. They kept complaining about the TV. We don't have much good reception here...at least we have video tapes." he withdrew a Queen from his deck and showed Fumu, "This yer card?"
Fumu smiled awkwardly and shook her head. She looked behind her at the shelves of ancient tapes. All but one had some sort of sticker or cover on it. She eyed the lone naked tape curiously. She turned around, "Um, I think I need a nap before I go home...can I have...Room Twelve?" she asked, thinly veiling her nervousness as she put down a few dollars on the counter. The man looked at her rent and nodded, leaving the room to retreive the key.
While he was gone, Fumu snatched the odd tape from the shelf and stuffed it into her backpack.
"Miss?"
Fumu jumped and turned around, hoping she wasn't caught. The man eyed her, and held up a Four of Spades, "This your card?'
Fumu smiled, "Uhh...yes." she lied, and accepted the room key.
...
Later that night, Fumu sat in front of the TV and put the tape into the VCR. The screen showed static...more static...more static...moar static...hell, it was all static.
Fumu rolled her eyes and withdrew the tape, only to find out the tape was actually a case. Inside was an unlabled Blu-Ray disc. She looked at the fake tape case and chucked it aside before inserting the supposed killer Blu-Ray disc into the DVD player.
The screen was wavy, then showed a menu that said PLAY, OPTIONS, SCENE SELECTION, BONUS CONTENT. Fumu found the remote and hit "Play."
The screen went to static and showed a series of random clips. There was a ring, there was a lady brushing her hair, a chair in the middle of an empty room, a ladder...it was silent as well, until the clips tore by faster with strange, alien noises blaring from the TV set. The woman kept giving the screen an eerie glare, then she jumped off a cliff. A fly started crawling around the sky of the clip. The chair started spinning in a morbid, amusing way. The ladder fell down, and there was a shot of horses sun-bathing in the sunset, the waves washing over their forms. Bugs, and a bunch of incoherent blagh.
Fumu shrugged and turned the TV off as it ended, "Looks like a crack-film." she mused. Suddenly the phone rang.
She made her way toward it slowly, and picked it up, hesitantly asking, "Hello?"
Some sort of noise came through the speaker, as if the other end had just breathed into the phone.
"Hello?" she asked again.
"Seven dayssss..." hissed the voice through a wall of background noise.
Fumu covered her other ear, "Excuse me? You're breaking up." she said.
"Seven daysss..." the voice repeated.
"What? Could you say that again? I'm getting horrible reception..." she said.
"...You know what, can I just call you back?" the voice asked, and hung up.
"Hello?" Fumu asked, and she hung up her end..."Must be a wrong number."
...
Fumu had brought the disc with her and told Meta Knight about it. The knight eyed the shiny disc curiously, "Well, why don't I see it?" he asked. Fumu shook her head,
"If this thing really kills you..." she murmured, "That call I got...they were getting bad reception the first time so they called back when I got into a better area with more bars...they said...'seven days...'"
Meta Knight rolled his eyes, "Lemme see it." and took the disc. He popped it into the DVD player of Fumu's house and sat down to watch.
Fumu sighed, and headed out of the room. She heard Meta Knight call, "This is a crack film!" a few minutes after, and stood on her balcony. There, she saw
Omg...
A ladder. Like in the disc.
...
After Meta Knight had finished watching, he heard the phone ring. Fumu rushed in, and gestured to him not to pick it up. The phone rang on, and finally stopped. Meta Knight shrugged and left.
Fumu picked up the phone...on the screen said "You have 1 voice mail. Press # to listen"
She pressed "pound."
There was silence in the voice mail for a while, then a quiet, ominous voice spoke,
"...Is it recording? Oh um...seven dayssss...okaybye."
...
Meta Knight and Fumu both agreed to investigate the killer Blu-Ray. While Meta Knight broke into a mental institution to rob their files of some information, Fumu sailed to a lighthouse where she talked to an old man, who was apparently the husband of the lady in the video. He got mad when she had broken into his house and was watching a survelince camera about his son, an eerie, homosidal, emo-dude with black hair. The old man was so mad he took a bath with his toaster.
Fumu had learned the son's name was Bun, and the lady's name was Shanna Blorgan. She went to some sort of fancy place where she made a copy of the Blu-Ray for study. While she re-watched the wierd video, she wondered, "Hmm. If I watch this twice, does that mean I get fourteen days? And three times twenty-one days? Hmmm..."
Later that night, Fumu caught Kirby watching the deadly Blu-Ray, and in horrified fear, ejected the disc and chucked it under a chair. The phone rang, but she did not answer it.
Kirby mentioned a little boy. Fumu didn't pay much attention.
She and Meta Knight had followed the trail the information had given them to a barn with a well under it. It had been seven days since Fumu had first seen the video, and she still thought she had fourteen days because she had sat through it twice. A TV fell through the ceiling and made her fall into the well. Lucky she had brought her water-proof flashlight.
While Meta Knight went to find his lucky rope to fish her out, the lid of the well closed up, and Fumu saw a boy's body float through the water of the well into her arms. She started crying, and the well opened again. Fumu looked down, realizing she was holding a pipe. Giving it a bemused look, she chucked it aside and fled the well with the help of the knight's rope.
"Seven days," she realized as she and Meta Knight left, "Is how long you can survive when you've been thrown down a well."
"What?" Meta Knight asked, "I didn't follow that. This plot is pretty confusing."
Fumu explained, "The son. His parents, the Blorgans, didn't want him cause he had the mind of a serial killer. He was aiming for the Cocoa Puffs..." she shuddered, "They through him down a well. Hopefully now that we solved this mystery things can go back to normal."
Meta Knight shook his head, "I'm still confused."
"The video clips were of the past events here. The ladder that led to his solitary room in the barn, the chair from the mental institution, the ring from the light in the well, the woman jumping off a cliff...and the sun-bathing ponies."
"I don't get that last one." Meta Knight said. Fumu explained again,
"The ponies kept Bun awake at night, so he sent them on a vacation behind his father's back. Their vacation recording from Tahiti must have gotten in there..."
...
Fumu arrived at her house and told Kirby the whole thing. When she finished, Kirby looked horrified, "You trippin' balls woman?" he cried, "That little miscreant is EVIIIL. Him and his prank phone calls! Hmph...running fridge my ass..." he scowled. Fumu blinked,
"What...the boy is evil?" she questioned.
Kirby looked at her, "Yes, it's another one of those cliche evil-kid-haunted-crap films. I mean...is it too much to ask for a hamster to be the next ax maniac? They were headed in the right direction with Bunnicula..."
Fumu started sprinting down the halls of the castle to find Meta Knight.
...
The knight's TV had turned itself on, and showed only static. Puzzled, Meta Knight turned it off, and it turned itself back on. He scowled under his mask, "Lousy piece of crap."he growled, and picked the remote up again. This time, the menu for the haunted Blu-Ray came up. Curious, he hit "Bonus Content," then "Deleted Scenes."
There was the well from the barn. It stayed that way for a full minute. Meta Knight sighed, "I swear, if this is a screamer...Sword's gonna have to buy himself a new TV." A hand extended from the well, and out of it came the emo-boy. He walked toward the screen, and pushed his way out of the TV.
Meta Knight blinked, "Sweet 3D effects.'' he said. Bun drew closer...
...
Fumu had just gotten to his room in time to see Meta Knight sitting very still in his chair. Fumu crept forward cautiously, "Meta Knight...?" she called. No answer.
She walked around the chair to see the knight, and shrieked.
Then she realized it was just a pillow with a face drawn on it.
She sighed, holding her heart as if it could stop beating by her touch. She heard something in the closet, and carefully made her way toward it.
She pulled open the door...and stared in horror.
There were Bun and Meta Knight...playing GO FISH. Meta Knight held his deck of cards up at her, "Pick a card." he said.
Fumu screeched bloody murder.
...
YouknowwhoIam: Funny? I hope I picked good characters as substitutes for the main characters of the movie. REVIEW OR BUN WILL COME FOR YOU. WITH HIS CARDS...
XDDD