Rachel Bailey´s world implodes as Andy carries her stabbed partner to the car. With Gill at the wheel they break every speed limit in trying to reach the hospital, Janet´s head cradled in Rachel´s lap. She knows all the things she wants to say to the blond, but can´t seem to find the words.
She heard Andy´s whispered confession of love to Janet as he carried her to the car and she feels a wild wave of jealousy wash over her. She wished she had been the one to say those words to Janet.
Rachel is a mess as she stands outside the hospital, waiting for Janet to come out of surgery with Kevin and Gill. Ade comes running from his car after receiving the phonecall, and before Gill escorts him inside, she comes back to Rachel and hugs her silently before turning away and heading into the hospital.
That is the moment when Rachel understands that Gill knows about her feelings for Janet. Gill has never hugged her before.
The next few weeks are a blur, an endless mixture of hospital visits, hanging at work doing absolutely nothing but Rachel has to pass the time, and getting fucked senseless by Nick to get her mind off Janet.
Two months after the stabbing, Rachel is on Janet´s doorstep. She knows the blond will be home alone, with Ade back at work and the girls at school. The tall, slim detective has never been more afraid in her life then when she knocks on the door, waiting for it to open.
She thinks back on her conversation with Gill earlier that morning.
Rachel walked into Gill´s office and closed the door behind her. As usual, her boss did nothing to indicate she noted her presence at all, continuing to stare at her computer screen.
"Do ya think I should tell her?" Rachel´s question prompts the older woman to sink back in her chair, pull off her glasses and regard the young woman in front of her.
"If you want to be knobhead, then yes."
Rachel begins to pace in front of her surperior´s desk. "You´re right, I can´t tell her, can I? I´ll look like a complete knobhead! She´s got Ade and the girls, and Andy on the side."
"It´s a mess you don´t want to be involved in."
Rachel stops in front of Gill´s desk. "Is this like some kind of reverse psychology thing?"
"Is is working?" Gill raises an eyebrow in questioning amusement.
"I can´t get her out of my head, Gill. It´s like she´s in my blood. How the hell can I get rid of her?"
"You can´t," Gill replies smoothly.
"She´ll be the death of me, that one." Rachel thinks back on how often they have gotten into a spat, how each time Janet has had her back. She tears up at the thought of loosing that intimacy, the one person in her life who is there no matter what. Janet has never judged her, always accepted her for who she is, faults and all. How can she be without her?
"That´s what love is, kid." Gill rises from her chair and puts a comforting hand on Rachel´s shoulder.
"Do you still love your ex?" questions Rachel. Gill flinches and pulls her hand away, but recovers soon. She seats herself on her desk with her arms folded in front of her, lost to the revelations of yesterday. Rachel is about to apologise, knowing her boss doesn´t like to discuss private matters. Gill´s response cuts her off, however.
"Yeah, I do. Now who´s the knobhead?"
"You aren´t a knobhead, ma'am."
"It´s what love does to you. They crawl under your skin, into your heart and remain there. They take your heart and make it their own. They infect it. Even after you´re sick and tired of them, you can´t have it back."
"Does that mean I´ll never get over Janet?" Rachel is taken aback by this revelation.
"After all this time, I´m not over Dave." It´s frankly surprising to hear Gill be this open and honest. She even informs her employee of his drunken visit months before, how he wanted her back. How he told her she was better then the whore he cheated on her with,
After this, Rachel is silent for long moments. Then she finally finds her voice. "You wouldn´t do it again, would you?"
"In a heartbeat." Gill points to the door. "Go get her, kid."
Now, Rachel is standing at Janet´s door, waiting to be let in to tell her partner she is in love with her.
Janet opens the door, but she is on the phone. Absent-mindedly, she kisses Rachel on the cheek and motions for her to come inside. Rachel follows Janet into the kitchen after hanging up her coat and taking off her shoes. She is grateful to note that her partner seems to be home alone. Having Dorothy present might have rained on her parade.
The blond finishes up her conversation and hangs up the phone. "Hi, Rach. Do you want some tea or coffee?"
The brunette nods and Janet turns away to fill the kettle with water. As she is putting it onto the stove, Rachel´s words shatter the fragile silence. "I love you."
Janet turns to face her partner. She walks up to her chair and pulls Rachel close. The younger woman rests her head on her partner´s stomach and wonders if Janet understood the true meaning of her words. "I love you too," Janet responds before turning away to finding cups in the cupboard.
"I mean I´m love with you, Janet." Somehow, it´s easier to say without those piercing blue eyes staring into her soul.
Janet turns to face Rachel and suddenly, the ocean which seperates them has suddenly become an impossible hindrance. The silence stretches on for so long that Rachel is frightened it will strangle her. She wants Janet to react but at the same time, is afraid of the consequences of her confession. What if the woman she loves casts her into outer darkness?
Janet is the first to speak. She sits at the kitchen table on the chair next to Rachel. "How long?"
"Since we met."
"How come you never told me?" Janet questions quietly.
"I was afraid of telling ya." Rachel finally dares to lift up her eyes to look into her partner´s face. It´s unreadable and that frightens her more then anything. "I figured the feelings would go away on their own."
"Obviously they didn´t," Janet points out logically.
"I was a knobhead for thinking that. When I realized they wouldn´t go away on their own I decided to keep it to myself. But that proved difficult. The night I hurt my hand, I wanted to tell you. That´s why I got so drunk. It´s the reason I got so drunk at that hen do, to forget for a minute about you. That´s why Nick Savage got under my skin. I couldn´t have you, so I needed someone...Now I´m babbling..."
Rachel arose from her seat and headed for the hallway, grabbing her coat and putting it on. Suddenly, she couldn´t face the rejection Janet was about to deliver. She hadn´t stopped her during the speech, which had to mean she didn´t reciprocate her feelings.
Janet appeared in the doorway leading to the kitchen, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Why did you decide to tell me now?"
Rachel looks back at her partner. "Because I nearly lost you. I needed to tell you in case you wouldn´t be so lucky next time." The knot in her stomach tightens as she remembers the day Janet nearly died. It was the worst day of her life.
Janet´s voice drags her out of her reverie."What the hell will I tell the girls?"
It took Rachel a minute to process the other woman´s words. Janet cursed rarily and would often criticize her partner for her bad language. It was one of the things Rachel loved about her. She then slowly began to understand the import of Janet´s words and soon enough, she had the blond in her arms, tightly holding her waist and lifting her up in sheer abandonment. Janet laughed and demanded to be put down.
Rachel accordingly did so but kept her hold on the blond´s waist. She looked down on those piercing blue eyes and felt true happiness for the first time in her life.
"I need to hear you say it, Janet," she finally implored her partner.
The blond smiled and then finally indulged Rachel. "I love you, knobhead."
"I may be a knobhead, but I´m your knobhead," Rachel responded quickly with a stupidly endearing smile on her face as she leaned down and kissed the woman of her dreams for the first time. Janet reciprocated in kind, wrapping her fingers in Rachel´s hair and pulling her closer, while the brunette´s hands tightened their hold around her waist.
The two women only broke the kiss when the need for air became a necessity. The clock rang in the kitchen, indicating it was time for Janet to pick up Elise from her guitar lesson. She shooed her love struck partner out the door, escorted her to her car and there the two women exchanged another kiss.
Janet got into her car, waved at Rachel and then drove away. Rachel gazed up at the house in front of her and considered that perhaps with time, it might become her home. She would finally have a family. With a smile on her face, she got in her car and drove to work for a briefing, feeling alive for the first time.