Lyrics are from Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, and the title is from Leona Lewis's "Stone Hearts and Hand Grenades". Dedicated to my FF twin Arya Tindomiel. Enjoy!
And I'd give up forever to touch you
You wish that it was you he was kissing. You accidentally stumble upon your (so-called) best friend in the arms of the man you do not love (you could always lie to yourself no matter how the truth spread itself before you, Queen of contradiction, of dismissal of the truth), and you wish you could scrub your red rimmed eyes clean of the tenderness (you scoff to think he could ever love her) upon his face as he gathers her in his arms. You make no sound as you slip away to the shadows of your chambers, to weep and mourn for something you never had (yet you know it should be yours). And you know then that you would give up everything in the world, even forever to touch his face and have him look at you with reverence and love you know he felt; feels.
And all I can breathe is your life, cause sooner or later it's over
You slip into his chambers at night, and even though he is surprised to see you, he says not a word as he parts his sheets for you to lie beside him. You curl next to him and bury your face into his warm chest, drawing in his gentle scent as desperately as you draw in air to live. You think he knows that you will leave soon, but he never broaches the subject. Instead, his hands curl tenderly within the mass of black curls that entwine his entire torso and brings your succulent lips to his in a quiet kiss. You sigh into his mouth and he loves you throughout the night (it has a sort of desperate ring to it, you think) as though he's telling you goodbye before you leave forever. And for a moment, as the two of you become one (and you can't tell where you begin and where he ends) he is all you can feel and breathe, and you weep with regret as he soothes you with tender kisses and caresses. You refuse to even look to the windows, where a hint of sun starts to flood through the heavens as it condemns you and your love to one last minute frozen in time, because you know soon the lovely dream will be over and it will be like neither of you ever uttered the precious words binding you to him, and he to you.
I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand
You twist in your saddle as you stare back longingly at the place you once called home. You have to leave and you do it in the middle of the night, when no one else can see you or catch you or condemn you for abandoning the people who claim to love you. You have to leave, and you don't want the world to see you leave. The Lady Morgana of Camelot is no more; only Morgana Le Fay, enemy to the crown remains. And they would never understand. Especially not him. And as you nudge your mount forward into the forests where you know Mordred and the Druids will be awaiting you, you send one last prayer over the lightening skies of Camelot. I love you; please understand; wait for me; I love you.
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
You wish you could put the sword and magic down, throw it away to a faraway lake and just sink into its watery embrace as you shut your heart and soul to the broken chaos reigning in the world. You wish you can rush into his arms and tell him that it was only you that remained faithful and true to him despite every pretty little lie Guinevere has whispered into his ear. But you've come too far now to go back and you know, with a sinking heart as you cut through red and black alike (you don't care if it's your men or his that you're felling, you just do), you realize that you have to play the part destiny carved out for you (you understand later as you bask in the lazy streams of sunlight with him lying upon your lap, that anything can be broken, even destiny) and he will never know just who you are. You slash almost absentmindedly here and there and he stands before you now, weary and hurt. You imagine seeing a spark of something akin to hope and (dare you say it?) love. He tries to reach out to you, come back with me, you can see the plea in his eyes. But things are different now and another Queen stands by his side and you're the one the people hate. He understands the sorrow hidden behind the cool green (he always understands) and you flee, but there's a bitter smile playing on your parched lips. He knows who you are, and that's enough.
You bleed just to know you're alive
You stare brokenly at the dark red beading down mournfully down your ruined black dress and steal a glance towards the blurred figure lying behind a trembling and shaken Merlin. You hear his strangled gasp as Excalibur slides smoothly between your flesh and runs out again with a sickening squelch of blood. You slump down to the earthy ground as you feel your lifeblood flow back to the Mother of all and oh, you feel so weary that closing your eyes seem such a luxury after all the years of fighting and running. It's strange, how you feel relief when you see the blood; your blood flowing like water unrestrained by any dam. You feel human and alive and you slip away with a slight smile; it's nice to know that after all the killing and deaths, you're still human. You imagine hearing him whisper your name but you're too far gone now, and it's warm and bright where you are, and you can almost feel him coming along after you. Time doesn't exist in this strange limbo; time is yours now to do as you see fit, and finally forever is yours to spend with his.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now
You lie lazily against the weathered tree standing somewhere amidst the green plains of Avalon, finger twirling a golden strand carelessly as your love sprouts out phrases of love declarations (and though he swears stoutly that they existed in some old forgotten book, you know better than to trust his literary knowledge). You chuckle lightly as you recall the instances when you declared you wouldn't touch Arthur with a lance pole. He stares up at you quizzically and you cannot help but kiss his slightly pouting lips. He is your heaven and while Camelot may have once been your home, and his; well Avalon is your utopia. And if staying forever in Avalon means never going to your once-home, then so be it. Because no one else would understand (and you don't care if they do, really) and the only ones who matter now (and always had) are you and him. You're both immortal and out of reach of damnation now, and destiny can rot for all you care. Because in the end, destiny and fools can try to wrench you apart, but they will never prevail. Because you are Morgana Le Fay and he is Arthur Pendragon, and you're gods and goddesses above the petty strings destiny pulls above mortals. Collision and hate never was your true story anyway, no matter what those fools whispered in the end. Love is what you had, and love it will always remain.