My Life Would Suck Without You
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.
Derek stood at Meredith's front door. The events of what had taken place over the last couple of months have been replaying in his mind all night. Ever since he found out that his wife, actually his soon to be ex-wife, Addison, had once again been caught cheating on him, with his best friend.
The fact that he didn't choose her, that he hadn't chosen Meredith, that he had chosen Addison, and that Addison had cheated on him once again, made him sick to his stomach. Physically ill.
The weeks before he made his decision he thought that Meredith had given up. That once again she was pushing him away because they were getting too close. He thought that Addison was the right choice, the safest choice. He thought that going back to his wife was the right thing to do; he thought that giving his marriage another chance, trying to save it was the right thing to do.
But it wasn't.
He now knew the right choice was picking Meredith, that choosing Meredith was the only way that he could feel whole again.
All that time that he was apart from her he couldn't stop thinking about her. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't do anything without thinking about her. He tried so hard to push her away, so that they didn't talk or even see her, but things just got worse.
And it showed.
Derek knew that Addison had noticed the change in him. Derek knew that she knew he had tried in the beginning; that he tried to make things work, but things changed. They always do. Derek had lost weight, and it showed. He looked physically and emotionally drained, and it showed in his work and life at home. Derek also knew that he was only happy talking about Meredith, or being around Meredith and he knew that bugged Addison.
Derek looked at the letter that was in his hands. It was from Addison. He had read it over and over again all night after he came home, after he had caught Addison and Mark. It explained what had taken place that night, with her and Mark and why she had cheated on him. He had brought this letter to show Meredith. To show her what Addison had done and why she had done it. He was just hoping that it would help his case to get her back.
Derek took a couple of deep breaths and calmed his thoughts. It was time for him to do what he came here to do. Looking through the window of the door the house was dark and still. He couldn't see any lights or movement coming from within the house. Derek knocked on her door loudly, just in case there was someone up stairs asleep.
It wasn't long after he knocked that a light turned on and he saw someone walking towards the door.
Derek smiled. Meredith had come to the door with a ratty t-shirt on, the shirt was his. Meredith would often wear his shirts to bed saying that they were comfortable and that they smelt of him. That was a good sign; as it looked like she was still pinning after him, that some where inside of her she still had feelings for him. That she still loved him.
As Derek watched her open the door she didn't look too impressed that he was there. He looked at his watch to notice that it was late…really late.
"Derek what are you doing here?" Meredith asked as she leant herself up against the door frame. She looked like she was still trying to wake up.
"Meredith I need to talk to you."
"Seriously!" Meredith began to close the door on him so that she could go back to bed, when he stopped her.
"Meredith please." Derek put his hand up to stop the door closing in front of him.
"Derek its 3am in the morning couldn't this wait till we got to work?"
"Meredith I need to talk to you about Addison," Derek said as he took his hand away from the door and held up the letter.
Meredith sighed and opened the door up fully. "Derek I really don't want to be talking about Addison that would be one of the last people I would want to talk about, especially at 3am in the morning." Meredith looked down to the letter that was in his hand. "What's that?" she asked pointing to the letter that was in his hand.
"This is from Addison."
Meredith mouthed ok and began to close the door on him again, defiantly not wanting to talk about a dirty love letter that Derek got from his wife.
"Meredith please?" Derek once again put his hand up to stop the door closing on him.
"Please what Derek," Meredith said not wanting to listen to him anymore. Just wanting to go back to bed. "You chose her Derek, not me."
"I Know Meredith and I am sorry." Derek took his hand away from the door and moved closer to her.
"No," Meredith shook her head. "This is not going to happen like this."
"How do you want it to happen Meredith?" Derek asked, putting his hand on the door frame, not wanting her to close the door on him again. "I will do anything you want me to do."
Meredith thought for a moment. He had said that he didn't want her; he had called her a whore. She wasn't ready to start it all over again, just to have it fall apart again. "Derek all I want is for you to go home, please, I don't want to talk about this."
Derek nodded. He knew this was going to be a long shot at best, but pushing her like this was just going to push her away again. "Ok Meredith I will go home." Derek held the letter up to Meredith again. "But please read this."
Meredith took the letter from Derek and he kissed her on the cheek.
"Goodbye Meredith."
Meredith watched him drive off and she closed the door behind her. She made her way up the stairs and put the letter on her bedside and laid down on her bed. She felt so tired and all she wanted to do but sleep, but in her mind she really want to know what was in that letter. She wanted to know what all this was about, and why Derek wanted to talk to her at 3am in the morning.
Rolling over she looked at the thin white paper that was sitting on her bedside table. Meredith you don't want to look at it, Addison probably wrote how much she loved him and couldn't be apart from him. You don't want to hear about that.
Sighing Meredith picked up the letter and sat up in her bed. Unfolding the letter she could see Addison's flawless hand writing. Her handwriting was beautifully cursive and very readable, unlike her own. Sometimes Meredith could barely read what she wrote. Meredith began to read the letter:
My Dearest Derek,
If you reading this letter by now you would know that I have been with Mark.
"Oh my god!" Meredith held her hand to her mouth in shock. "She cheated on him again…with Mark." Again Meredith Read:
Once again I ran into his arms when there was a problem with our relationship, once again I needed to be in his arms when I should have been in yours, when I should have talked to you. But would you have really listened, would you have really cared about my problems.
When you decided to be with me and forget about Meredith I thought things would be great, I thought that this would have been a perfect opportunity for us to start over. A new city away from Mark, away from what had happened in New York. A clean slate for the two of us, but obviously that wasn't the case. You didn't want to be around me, you didn't to talk to and when you did you talked about her, you always talked about her.
I thought that time would make things all better; I thought that time would make you forget, but it didn't. I just wanted her out of the picture and for good.
But that is not what this letter is about. This letter is about me letting you go, letting you be with her. I love you Derek, I always have. Ever since the first time that I saw you in collage I loved you, now I am letting you go, I need to let you go.
I am so sorry for taking you away from her Derek. I am so sorry for all the time that you wasted with me when you could have been with her. I am sorry for everything that I did.
I am sorry Derek and I love you.
The letter was signed Addison Forbs Montgomery.
Meredith folded the letter back and placed it on her bedside table. She was doing this for me? That is so stupid. Meredith desperately wanted to call Derek to see ifeverything in this letter was true, but it was too late. Plus she would be sending mixed messages as she had just sent him home. She knew that she would just have to wait to talk to him when she got into work later.
Wriggling down and under the covers she rested her head on the pillow, thinking about what the letter had said. Slowly closing her eyes she drifted to sleep.
Hearing the buzzing of the alarm clock Meredith groaned and slapped around on her bed side table trying to find it to stop the buzzing. Although she went back to sleep last night, it was pretty ordinary as she tossed and turned quite a bit.
Finally hitting the snooze button Meredith got and had a shower and got ready for work. Once she was dressed she went down stairs and poured herself a coffee.
"Hey Mere."
Meredith looked up and saw Izzy walk into the kitchen with a smile on her face and a back pack which she placed on the table and picked up her traveller's mug off the kitchen sick and went over to the coffee.
"Do you know what all that banging was about this morning?" Izzy poured coffee into her pink traveller's mug.
Meredith swallowed the coffee that she had in her mouth and looked down at her mug. "Umm…yeah it was Derek." Meredith looked up to see Izzy looking at her. "He came by to tell me that he was sorry for not picking me."
"A bit late don't you think?" Izzy said putting the coffee pot down and placing the lid on her traveller's mug.
Meredith took a mouthful of coffee ignoring the question. Looking at her watch she noticed the time. "We better go, were going to be late."
Izzy to checked her watch and walked over and picked up her bag. "Ok I will meet you out at the car."
Meredith smiled and rushed up stairs to grab her bag. Looking over to her bedside table she noticed that Addison's letter was still sitting in the place that she left it last night. Hearing a honk of a car horn, Meredith rushed over to the table and picked it up, stuffing it into her bag and rushed down stairs and outside to where Izzy was waiting in the car.
"Now we are really going to be late," Izzy said placing the car into reverse and reversed out of the driveway.
Meredith apologised and looked out of the window while they drove to work.
Both Meredith and Izzy rushed into the Interns change room before Dr Bailey had made it in, but were still caught out.
"Izzy, Grey, you are late."
"Sorry Dr Bailey." Both Izzy and Meredith said as they began to get change.
"Well you should be." Dr Bailey looked down to the clip board that was in her hand and began to read out assignments. "Yang you're in the clinic."
Meredith looked over to Christina who didn't looked to impressed being stuck in the clinic all day.
Dr Bailey continued to read out the assignments with out looking up from the clip board. "O'Malley you're with Dr Sloan. Karev you're in the pit."
"What happened to being on Dr Montgomery-Sheppard's service?" Alex asked interrupting her.
"Dr Montgomery-Sheppard is not coming in today so you're in the pit, so don't interrupt me again." Dr Bailey once again looked down at her clip board and again read out the assignments. "Stephen's you're in clinic with Yang and Grey your with Dr Sheppard."
"Great," Meredith said under her breath hoping that Dr Bailey wouldn't hear her.
"What Grey you're not happy with your assignment as well?" Dr Bailey asked sound crankier then usual.
Meredith smiled at Dr Bailey. Although Meredith needed to talk to Derek, she didn't really want to spend the whole day with her. "No Dr Bailey not at all," Meredith said the smile still on her face.
Dr Bailey rose and eyebrow and turned around to walk out the door, muttering under her breath about damn Interns.
Meredith quickly got changed and rushed over to Dr Sheppard's office, as she knew that he wouldn't have started rounds just yet. She really needed to speak to him about the letter, and to get a few things off her mind before they started.
Knocking on the door she could hear to voices inside talking and laughing, before they stopped and one of them told her to come in. Opening the door, Meredith saw Derek sitting behind his desk, leaning back on his chair, and sitting in front of him was none other then Dr Mark Sloan, the man that had supposably slept with Addison.
Meredith stopped just inside the door. "Oh sorry I will come back." Meredith was about to walk out the door when she was stopped.
"Meredith." Derek stood up out of his seat.
Mark looked from Meredith then Derek and also stood, clearing his throat. "You stay Grey, I'll go."
Meredith watched Mark walk out of the room and she shut the door behind him, and looked at Derek. "He slept with your wife."
"And? He is still my friend Meredith." Derek asked sitting back down at his desk and looked through some papers.
"He slept with your wife." Meredith walked over to him and sat in the chair that Mark had just left. She didn't understand why Derek was talking to Mark, the man that had cheated with his wife.
Derek slightly laughed and stopped what he was doing. "Meredith, I am seeing it as a good thing."
"A good thing?" What was so good about your best friend sleeping with your wife? Meredith thought.
"Yes a good thing. So are you ready for rounds?" Derek asked as he looked at his day sheet which had a list of the patient he was meant to see for the day.
"Derek we need to talk."
Derek put down the day sheet and leaned forward in his chair as he looked at Meredith, with a little hope in his heart that she was going to take him back.
"We need to talk about this." Meredith held up the letter that Derek had given her that morning.
"Did you read it?" Derek asked again leaning back in his chair.
"Yes." Meredith placed the letter on the desk. "And it seems that you're not the only one that wants us to get back together."
Derek smiled. "Yes I noticed that too." Derek stood up and walked over and knelt down next to Meredith. "Meredith I am going to say this again, I am really sorry."
"Derek I know that you are sorry, and I know that you want us to get back together, but we have a lot of history and there were a lot of things that were said. A lot of bad things, that shouldn't have been said."
"Yes there were a lot of things that were said, and I take back everything I said, every word that hurt you. And we do have history and most of it is really good, and I love to be that close to you again. But when I wasn't with you, you were with me. I was constantly trying to get you out of my head, also with seeing you around the hospital, it seemed like you were always around, every where I looked." Derek slightly laughed. "I felt like I was going crazy."
Meredith smiled. "A crazy neurosurgeon that's a new one, we better not tell the chief."
"So what do you say Meredith do you want to give us another shot?" Derek picked up her hand with his.
Meredith looked down to her hand; it was nice, warm and familiar, she liked it, and would love to have more of them. "Derek I have to think about this, I don't want to go jumping into something that I am not ready for. You saw how I handled the whole Addison thing; I was so delayed in telling you how I feel." Meredith stood up and walked towards the door. "Give me some time."
Derek nodded and stood up. "Have all the time you need."
Meredith smiled. "I will meet you at your first patient." Meredith opened the door and closed it behind her when she walked out.