General notes for this story: I do not own any of the characters in Star Wars, Naruto, or any of the other fictional universes. Itachi, Neji and Hinata are in this story along with an OC (Dani). Itachi is a parody version of the original who loves to eat, Neji is trying to un-banished from the Hyuuga clan and Hinata pretty much is the Al Capone of the universe. Obi-Wan also is alive in this story (he is a time traveler apparently).
Now to begin the Parody:
In a galaxy far, far away but not so far away that it would be inconvenient to go there, like when you want to go to one specific store but you know that it will take half the day to go there and you really don't want to interfere with your binge watching on Netflix so you decide to go to the gas station across the street to buy Fritos. Yeah, it's that far away.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, as known as General Hux to the members of the First Order, is looking lovingly at the microwave burrito in the vending machine right next to the coffee maker on the command deck. He gets the feeling that yeah, he may get stomach cramps after eating it but Damn…. He was hungry! That Kylo Ren guy had ruined his morning. Obi-Wan had the sneaking suspicion that the Master of the Knights of Ren purposefully timed his lightsaber training sessions so that he "accidently" destroyed his stuff. Obi-Wan glanced back at his Super Plush Ergonomic Lazy Boy that was sliced to pieces by a lightsaber and Force slammed into a wall.
Just as Obi-Wan was thinking of reporting Kylo for destruction of First Order property, he realized that he had spent his last five credits on the Storm Troopers' Relief Fund.
"Damn It! Stupid Storm Troopers!" Obi-Wan angrily made his way to the only ATM on Star Killer Base which was located conveniently right next to the Thermal Oscillator Shield Generator Room. Obi-Wan walked right past the line of several hundred Storm Troopers and quickly cut to the front of the line. He began to retrieve his debit card from his Jedi plaid pajama bottoms. Unhappy mumbles are heard from all the Storm Troopers only to be silenced by the arrival of Captain Phasma.
"General Hux"
"Why hello gorgeous! I really wish you would call me Obi-Wan."
"I would prefer General. Sir, we should really think about getting additional AMTs to replace this one." Obi-Wan slides his debit card into the ridiculously large AMT machine. "Every time someone withdraws money, the Thermal Oscillator Shields are disabled."
"Damn it! Wrong pin! I could have sworn it was my birthday!" Obi-Wan again inputs his pin only to get a warning message that another incorrect pin will result in him being locked out of his accounts. "Damn! I knew I had my pin written down somewhere." Obi-Wan began to furiously search his pockets for where he wrote his pin number only to have a Force Memory Flashback.
First Force Memory Flashback:
"General, this arrived for you in the post." Captain Phasma hands Obi-Wan a letter from the Intergalactic Bank of Tattooine. Obi-Wan Kenobi rips the letter open to reveal his brand new debit card.
"Man it took them long enough! With all the times I've had to request a new debit card, you'd think that they would be quicker on getting back to me!"
"Sir, exactly how many debit cards have you had?"
"Oh, this should be the thousandth one. I keep forgetting my pin so I just call them and say it was stolen. Then they send me a new card and a new pin number!"
"Sir, this envelope says that this is the last card they will issue you!" A random storm trooper holds up the envelope with giant red letters stating "Final Issuance" on it.
"What?! What happens when I forget my pin number?"
"Sir, maybe you should write it down somewhere." Captain Phasma suggests.
"Why thank you, Gary! I never thought of that!"
Second Force Memory Flashback:
Obi-Wan is on Jakku on one of his many vacation days away from the First Order at a local bar known as the Fuzzy Sarlacc Pit. He sets down his limited edition uncut Darth Ballad the Musical: Through the Ages cassette tape. Across the cassette case is his super-secret his debit pin number written in purple sharpie marker. Of course, no one would think to get someone's pin number off the back of a cassette case.
"Why, hello pretty lady. I think my First Order… Should be to buy you a drink.
End Flashback.
"Ahhhhhhh! My pin number! She Who Shall Not Be Named could end up getting it if it gets into the hands of the Resistance!" Obi-Wan turns to Phasma with compete dread in his eyes.
"General?"
"Captain! We must send a search party to get the cassette with my pin…. I mean the map to Luke Skywalker! One of those Resistance fighters probably have it!"
Meanwhile with Dani, Itachi and Neji on the Planet of Jakku.
"Itachi you should have gone to the bathroom before we left. And Neji why did you manage to rent the only spacecraft that does not have a toilet onboard!"
"Look, you demented squirrel! This is the only space craft we could afford! I can't wait to get un-banished from the Hyuuga Clan and be able to have access to my bank accounts again. Now all we have to do is get a hold of this Obi-Wan guy and give him his court summons. 5 quintillion credits worth of Child Support! Wow, I would not want to be this guy!"
Just as Neji is about to drone on about avoiding parental responsibilities, Dani parks their rental right next to a Resistance X-Wing fighter. Right across the street a Resistance Pilot is chasing after what appears to be a BB-8 unit, screaming at the top of his lungs. Why might you ask? Well, BB-8 units are known for being notorious thieves and this particular BB-8 has absconded with a certain cassette tape that may or may not have a map to Luke Skywalker or Obi-Wan's debit pin number on it.
"Shitty droid! The Resistance needs that to fight off the First Order!"
Just then, an ominous looking command shuttle and 3 escort carriers arrive on the scene causing the BB-8 unit to flee in terror. Several dozen Storm Troopers exit. A certain Storm Trooper appears to be stumbling around.
"Is anyone else suffocating in their helmet? I mean, why do we even wear these things? They don't repel any laser blasts and they're hot as hell! And I believe I'm being suffocated!" Yes, Finn the Storm Trooper does not like any of the issued First Order gear. Granted he had just spent the last five months on Maintenance duty after he accidently criticized the First Order's policy on Casual Fridays; everyone was allowed to wear whatever they wanted underneath their armor.
Just as Neji is about to flee back to their rental space craft, Kylo Ren storms out of the Command Shuttle about as pissed as he could possible get.
"Find the Map!" Just as all the Storm Troopers begin rounding up the villagers, a sudden noise rings through the air. Kylo Ren looks menacingly in the direction of Dani as she fumbles with her phone. Neji looks on with glee. Was the Author finally going to be murdered? Neji grabs a bag of popcorn, waiting with anticipation for the dark knight to strike.
"Hello? You know, I think you have the wrong number but good luck with that." Just as Dani hangs up, Kylo Ren walks slowly towards Dani, reaching his hand towards the lightsaber on his hip. Just as Neji flings a handful of popcorn into his month, Kylo retrieves a small black phone from his pocket and swipes the front of it to activate two vent ports that spew out red plasma. With a couple of taps, the all too familiar ringtone fills the air. Dani turns with a gigantic smile on her face.
"You have Darth Ballad the Musical: Through the Ages Theme song as your ringtone! Where have you been all my life?!"
"Damn it!" Neji throws the bag of popcorn on the floor and kicks it into a pile of sand.
"I thought I was the only one! No one appreciates the creativity of Vader's 35 Act Broadway Musical!"
"I know! It has everything anyone would every want in a musical. Murder. Intriguing well developed characters that get murdered. Romantic love interests that get murdered! Murderers who get murdered! I mean it's the best!"
"I know! My father refused to take me to see it! And my uncle… He would never stop talking!"
"I know what you mean! Itachi ate the theater out of popcorn so we were thrown out! And Neji… well..." Dani turned to Neji who replied.
"Well, I know I hated it. It was a piece of crap! Who would watch a Musical that's 24 hours long not including intermissions?!" Kylo Ren snapped and activated his homemade lightsaber causing the plasma vents to singe several villagers who unfortunately were standing too close.
"What?! Prepare to die you musical hating cur!"
Neji hastily ripped the spacecraft key fob from his pocket and began to run towards their rental. Screw this! Dani can run off with that Darth Ballad loving creep all she wanted; he was getting the hell out. Just as Neji was about to escape, Poe Dameron did what any good pilot does: state the first thought that popped into his head when faced with a dilemma.
"OMG! That's the pilot that has the map to Skywalker!"
Finn looks down at the polaroid that Captain Phasma provided him of the identity of the pilot that had the map but due to his inability to see anything from behind his helmet, the picture of Poe Dameron looked pretty much like Neji.
"OMG! He's right! Grab him!"
2 Hours later, the village is completely destroyed along with the X-Wing fighter. Neji has been hogtied and thrown into the back of the Command Shuttle. Itachi has managed to wander away from the village as he could have sworn he could smell popcorn from right beyond that sand dune. Dani is chattering insistently to Kylo on the merits of Darth Ballad and if the Phantom of the Menace would come back to Broadway. Poe Dameron meanwhile has managed to steal Neji's spacecraft fob and stolen their rental craft.
After they land on the Star Killer base, Neji is taken to be interrogated by Kylo Ren and for some strange reason Dani but that could be because she had managed to find the only person in the galaxy that could watch 2 days' worth of people prancing around singing without going mad. Meanwhile, Finn runs out of the escort carrier, rips his helmet off and takes the biggest gasp of air of his life.
"OMG! I think I might have killed some brain cells! I can't be the only person that finds these helmets oxygen prohibitive!"
"FN-2187! You know that it is against the law to take your helmet off in front of strangers!" Captain Phasma hands Finn a pink copy of a citation form.
"Captain! You know that's the most idiotic law we have!"
"I don't make the laws, I just enforce them." Captain Phasma inwardly groans. Why General Hux instituted this law was beyond her. "Unfortunately that was your third infraction. Please report to the Maintenance Division for remedial training."
"Nooooo! I just left that division! You don't know how horrible it is there! There's a reason that none of the maintenance gets done on this base. It's amazing that we haven't been attacked before now!"
Meanwhile in the interrogation room, Neji is struggling against his shackles as Kylo Ren waves his hand in front of his face.
"Tell me where the map is…"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading your mind…. Now, where is the map?…"
In the back of the interrogation room, Dani is struggling to wrestle her Slytherin scarf from a mouse droid.
"Aren't BB-8 droids notorious thieves? Just like these mouse droids! Maybe the one we saw on Jakku has the map!"
"A BB-8 droid has the map?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm reading your mind and its telling me that a droid has the map."
"Really? I refuse to believe that my mind sounds like that brain dead pilfering ballad loving monkey over there."
"Pilfering?! I'll have you know that I have not stolen anything since we landed on Jakku! You should really be accusing that BB-8 droid that ran off with the Map to Skywalker!"
"Well prisoner, I don't know what your mind should sound like. But it looks like you gave me all the information I needed."
Meanwhile back on Jakku, Rey is screaming in the phone receiver of the local phone booth in town.
"Look Hinata! I know I owe you money! But I refuse to believe that me renting an abandoned AT walker costs 10,000 credits a month! I need to eat you know! You really need to get me a different job than scavenging! I'm tired of being fucking poor!" Rey growled while slamming the receiver of the phone against the wall causing it to shatter into 5,000 pieces.
"Stupid desert wasteland! What kind of person leaves a young girl on a planet in middle of nowhere?!"
Just as she is about to leave the phone booth, her beeper chimes at her hip with a new message: You are charged 15,000 credits for the destruction of property of the Hyuuga Hinata and Associates Phone Company. You have 13 days to pay this fine or you will be prosecuted in a court of law by the Law Offices of Hyuuga Hinata and Associates.
"Damn it! Stupid phone! Stupid lawyers!" Rey apparently suffers from incredible anger issues. Hey, you would be too if you had been left on a desert planet for no reason whatsoever.
Rey made her way to her AT walker rental with her ¼ portion of green lime Jell-O. Just as she was scheming on ways to pay off her numerous debts to Hyuuga Hinata, she heard a beeping noise. The beeping noise was unfortunately BB-8 attempting to steal her ¼ portion Jell-O.
"Infernal BB-8 droid! Stop trying to steal my food!" Rey palm-striked BB-8 into the wall of AT walker causing him to become unconscious. Droids in this story can actually become unconscious. Just as Rey is about to throw the droid down a nearby sand dune, she realized that perhaps this droid could be the solution to all her financial problems.
Meanwhile back with Neji in his interrogation chair. Neji reached his hand up to scratch his nose only to realize that he was actually able to. Looking down he saw that the shackles on the chair were completely rusted through.
"Why if I only had known this before…" Neji begins to leave the jail cell only to run right into Finn.
"Look whoever you are. I just need to get the hell out of here! That little twit can stay here and exchange ringtones with that creep! So you can either get out of my way or I'll be forced to gentle fist you into oblivion!"
"Look, you long haired pillock! I just got demoted to Maintenance Duty! I need to leave before I go insane! Wait! Aren't you the Resistance Pilot that they captured? If you follow me, we can escape with one of the Tie Fighters!" Neji silenced that shrill voice in his head, that sounded dreadfully like Dani, that maybe he should warn Finn that he really was not a pilot and he had no idea how to fly a Tie Fighter.
"Let's go."
Four hours later…. Dani and Kylo Ren are playing WII Tennis with My Fair Droid blasting in the background. Both are singing terribly out of tune along with the lyrics: "Awwww…. Wouldn't it be loverly!"
"Stop that infernal caterwauling! Where's my damn pin number… I mean the map to Skywalker?!" Obi-Wan turns off the WII and force slams the boombox right off the shelf right into the chute to the Trash Compactor. Kylo Ren looks in the direction of his precious boombox and sniffling sounds can be heard from behind his mask. Dani pats him consolingly on his shoulder. It was a limited edition Sing-Along with Jango Fett cassette. Just as a certain individual was about to murder cassette tape murdering individuals, a Storm Trooper runs into the room.
"General! The Resistance Pilot has escaped!"
"Captain Phasma! How could you let this happen?!" Obi-Wan screams at Phasma as she has just walked passed the room after questioning Finn's roommate on his traitorous leanings.
"What?!"
"You let that prisoner escape! Now, I'll never get my pin number… I mean the map to Skywalker back!"
"General.. Kylo Ren was the last person to question him!"
A random Storm Trooper runs into the room.
"General! One of our Tie Fighters have been stolen by that Resistance Pilot! We have him on radar heading towards Jakku."
"See Phasma.. Bob here managed to find the pilot while you were... Doing whatever the hell Captains do!"
"Sir, My name's Gary! And Captain Phasma ordered us to find…"
"Ggggg… Get out of my room!" Kylo Ren appears to be at the breaking point of emotional stability, his lightsaber lit up with red plasma crackling menacingly and his voice shaky with suppressed tears. Everyone in the room looks at Kylo's lightsaber and then the door. There's a mad dash out of the room as everyone tries to get out first.
Meanwhile with Neji and Finn.
"Are you sure you can fly this thing? We seem to be heading right back to Jakku which is not really where we want to go."
"I know what I'm doing! See I just have to press this button here and voila! Autopilot to the Ilenium system!" Neji press a giant red button to his left. Suddenly they start careening towards Jakku and a robotic voice announces: Emergency Crash Landing Activated.
"Why do they even have this button?!"
Back with Obi-Wan, Captain Phasma and Gary on the command deck.
"Gary! Shoot them!"
"General, I believe they're crashing towards the planet."
"Well, that was easy!"