Disclaimer: I do not intend to make money off of this story, and is merely written to satisfy the many unanswered questions surrounding the sexual exploits of Kathryn Janeway. I think she was a lot more interesting then Paramount let her be, so I borrowed her - and several of her crewmates - to craft prose and parody into this story. I did give her back though. Don't sue. Paramount is All Powerful, and I am merely a humble critic.

StarDate 53612.7 Official Transcript Regarding Misconduct Trial, Lt. Commander Tuvok Prosecuting

"For the record I'd like it to note that I was minding my own business when she showed up. Harmlessly in the alleyway, enjoying a smoke. What was I smoking? That's private. Suffice it to say, I was in a compromised state when she found me. I was in the alley as I said, and she came out of nowhere, a vision in the night. At first, I thought, I was hallucinating, but then she approached me. Stood close to me, a little too close. What do you mean what is too close? Will you just let me tell you what happened and stop interrupting me?

Thank-you.

'Hey there,' I greeted, and she was wearing a strange uniform.

'Hello,' she replied, her voice husky, 'how are you?'

'I'm doing good,' and took a long drag of my cigarette, 'strange uniform.'

'I'm in the army.'

Her hands started inching towards my hips, 'I'm Christina. So, what does an army woman want with a stranger?'

'My name is… Kathy,' and her fingertips grazed the hem of my jeans, 'and I was hoping we wouldn't be strangers.'

Now, I normally don't do this, but the heat coming off of her was very intense. And those lovely blue eyes burned with passion. So, I invited her inside."

Memories of unzipping the jacket and removing her tunic brought a flush to my cheeks. As did the remembrance of taking her erect pink nipples in my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I got distracted, where was I?"

…

"Oh, right, so I invited her inside. Her fingers entwined with mine, and the sensation made my head spin. She was definitely interested in seeing the inside of my bedroom."

Again my thoughts wondered, to my tongue on her lower lips. Her legs shook as she came for the third time. I deliciously devoured her juices, and her fingers tangled in my long black hair.

"I wondered again, huh?

So. Inside my bedroom…"

The strange mystery woman bowed her head behind her security officer. I almost could touch her anxiety.

"In my room I showed her my poetry collection and we argued over the tonalities in several poems by Emily Dickinson."

I watched as Kathy covered her eyes with her hand.

"And after she left my house disappeared and I was in this strange room," I glanced at Kathy, "I think she called it a Holodeck. I wondered into the hallway, someone yelled for security, you showed up, hauled me here, asked me where I came from, I told you, and, look, here we are."

"Do you know this woman, Captain," he turned and asked Kathy.

"Yes, Tuvok," she replied, looking at him, "but I thought she was a hologram."

"And I thought you were a hallucination," I piped in, but they ignored me.

Tuvok looked slightly perturbed, almost constipated - I noted.

"This is most illogical."

Kathy just looked enraged, "Take her Sickbay, have the Doctor examine her. Look for anything; alien DNA, viruses, cloaking technology-"

"I understand, Captain," and he grabbed my by the arm.

"Hey," I protested, "you still haven't explained yourselves. Where the hell am I? Who the hell are you? And how the hell did I get here?"

She didn't even look at me, when less than an hour ago I had my tongue inside her. Talk about weird situation, still, I was still toying with the this-is-all-a-hallucination theory. Or they worked for the Government. In which case I was fucked.

The black man with pointy ears left me with the bald man, a Doctor apparently. An annoying individual.

I had nicer managers working for a fast food company.

"Please lie down," he instructed, guiding me to some sort of bed. This was a technically advanced hallucination, and I couldn't help but wonder if the stuff was laced. I figured if I played along it would be less trippy, that was until he started scanning me. I felt like a lab experiment. Eventually Kathy came down.

"She's not an alien," he told her, "and her cells show evidence of temporal distortion."

"Are saying she's telling the truth," she asked, dumbfounded. I felt a little left out, and they were talking about me.

"Excuse me," I interrupted, "I believe I requested an explanation."

She sighed, and approached me.

"I thought I was in the Holodeck and that you were a hologram, a photonic being. Somehow you ended up on Voyager, my starship, and there's evidence you may have been through an anomaly of some kind, possibly temporal. Though there's been no evidence of wormholes."

I nodded very slowly than said, "In English, please."

She face-palmed again, "You travelled through time, maybe. How? I don't know."

"See," I replied sarcastically, "was that so hard?"

I thought a witty retort was going to fly out of her mouth, instead, two large aliens appeared out of nowhere. They were easily seven feet tall, but had little physical distinctiveness, besides weird purple skin.

"Who are you," Kathy demanded, stepping back.

"Oh, don't be scared," one said quickly, "we only wanted to see if you got our gift."

"Gift," I asked, standing next to Kathy.

"You," the other being said, outstretching her arms, "you are our gift to Captain Janeway."

"We heard about your ship," the first echoed, "and thought you must be lonely. When we saw you headed to the Holodeck for an encounter we pulled Christina from Earth's 21st Century. Our species travels time, not space. She fit what you had programmed, and her temporal relocation caused a less than 0.0003% incursion, which is ten times less than Starfleet's Regulations. See, a gift."

Kathy looked very uncomfortable, as if weighing options.

"In English please," I requested.

One of them put their hands on my shoulders, "We took you two minutes before your death. If we return you, you'll die."

"You know what," I threw my hands in the air, "I'm suddenly very okay with this, thanks nice aliens."

"You're welcome," they said excitedly, "but we have to go! Other good gifts to give. Enjoy her Captain, she's exactly what you asked for."

"I, oh, but, wait," she stammered, but as quick as they came they were gone.

"So," I said softly, stepping closer to her, "I'm exactly what you wanted?"

I'm kind of getting sick of her face-palming, it's kind of insulting.

"You're in the twenty fourth century, on a spaceship, Voyager. Who is very far away from Earth, about thirty years away. I'm the Captain, the leader."

"This ship has a very sexy Captain," I commented, getting inside her personal bubble.

"I can't send you back to die," she stepped away, "but you leave me in an awkward position. Six years we've been in the Delta Quadrant. Six years. And I haven't slept with a member of my crew. But, here you are. My little lesbian secret."

"Well, no," I argued, "I wasn't a member of your crew until about ten minutes ago. Before that, I was still on Earth."

She fiddles with a triangle pin on her chest, "Well it's inappropriate conduct for a Starfleet Captain."

"I like inappropriate conduct," I ran my hand up her back, pulling her close, "in fact we could roleplay. You be the stubborn Captain I can't fuck and I'll be the bitterly sexually frustrated woman. Thirty years; and my choices are a black guy with pointy ears, a bald guy, or Captain Chastity."

"There are one hundred fifty men and women on this ship."

I smiled, and clapped my hand joyously, "This might not be so bad."

They assigned me quarters, nice ones, and private. Maybe Kathy was afraid I'd moan her name in my sleep and give her lesbian secret away. Oh, Captain Janeway, excuse me. Had to be respectful. Then I met Chakotay, and lost all respect for her. This man was her First Officer? What. The. Hell?

He said when he greeted, "I hope we can be friends."

I almost threw up on his boots, but they looked recently licked by some poor crewman.

"I hope I'm hallucinating."

"So the Captain's asked me to assign you a duty post," he sighed, "but I'm having a deep moral conflict about it. I mean, you're not familiar with our technology, and you never went to the Academy."

Seriously, this man was her First Officer?

"Well, duh," I replied.

"I know this must be a confusing time for you," he patted my hands.

I patted his hands as well, "I know everyday must present confusing challenges for you - but - good job Buddy."

Either he was as dumb as I thought or he ignored my insults.

"What did you study?"

"Psychology," I answered, "I was six months away from my degree."

"Oh, so you don't want to help Neelix in the Mess Hall?"

"Waitress," I laughed, "I could psychoanalyze circles around you. And what's with the tatty, is it supposed to be badass?"

He looked down at the floor, "I thought women liked them."

"Like I said earlier, good job Buddy."

"Is it true," Captain Queerdo asked, looking around the room.

"Is what true?"

"Did you and the Captain…"

"Did we what," I shrugged my shoulders, "have sugar with our coffee?"

He whispered to me, "Did you, you know, do her?"

I actually laughed in his face. Full out, belly-aching, floor rolling, pee pissing, laughed in his face. When was the last time somebody remembered to lay the poor man?

"No," I said simply, suddenly serious, "we did not. And I'm sure she wouldn't want to know you asked. Seriously, what the hell, my friend?"

His face lit up like a five year old on Christmas morning, "We're friends?"

I took a leaf from Kathy's book, and face-palmed.

Harry found Tom at his usual table, and eagerly joined his friend. Since the time they almost went gay in prison their friendship had much improved.

"Hey, pretty man friend," Tom greeted, Harry shook his head.

"I told you to stop that."

Tom sighed, "So, have you met Christina yet?"

"Not yet," Harry replied, "but I'm still sure I'll fall in love."

"You know, the Captain's considering making her Ship's Counsellor. She has a Psychology degree or something."

"Nice," Harry looked thoughtful, "I heard she's really hot."

"Harry," Tom said, pained, "it makes me jealous when you talk about other people. Why can't it just be you and me?"

"I'm not gay, Tom. We have this conversation everyday."

"Please," he rebuked, "you're the effeminate young boy child. If anyone's going to be gay, it must be you."

Harry stood, and Tom followed him out of the Mess Hall. He ran to his quarters, but Tom got in anyways.

"Listen to me, Tom, I'm not gay."

"You play the clarinet and saxophone, admit it, you like blowing long hard things."

"Not. Gay."

He slid up to his young friend, and Tom embraced him. Harry's cheeks flushed, embarrassed.

"Why do you always fight," Tom whispered, as his lips found Harry's, and the younger man responded, "only to give in?"

Harry found Tom's zipper, "Feels nice to be fought for."

I guess I should have felt lucky, being promoted so fast. But I kind of felt like a whore, they way she treated me. As Counsellor I made Senior Staff (not a remarkable feat for some random person picked up along the way), and sat in on every briefing.

They really liked that technobabble. I mean, was that what constituted for dirty talk? Reinitializing the reaction after buffing the injector coils? I sat through a lot of briefings with a dazed look.

"Oh, Counsellor," Kathy called, as the Senior Staff filed out of the room, "please, stay."

Three weeks since coming aboard, and I made no secret of my desire to bed her again.

"Yes Captain," I sat back in my chair.

She sat on the table, a PADD in her hand.

"You've been seeing patients for two weeks now, how are you doing?"

"It's been twenty one days since I got laid," I exasperated, "and I have sessions booked solid for the next month."

"That's what I wanted to talk about," she folded her hands in her lap, "you've booked me for three solid hours."

"Have you not read the protocol regarding the psychological well-being of the Captain? I can relieve you of your Command."

"You're bluffing."

"Are you actually going to look it up?"

She frowned, "I could tell Chakotay to look it up."

"Oh, no, Captain, don't do that," I leaned in to whisper, "I've managed to give him some confidence. Yesterday he put all the Crayons in the box right side up."

"In six years he's never been able to do that," Kathy was shocked, "I'm impressed by your work. It looks like I'm all yours. Wait. All yours to psychoanalyze, nothing more."

I stood, standing between her legs, and leaning in to her, "What if I diagnose you with a bad case of horny and to seek immediate sexual release?"

Kathy pushed me away and stood, "Then I'll go and get a hologram, Counsellor."

"Aye, Captain."

The next day I met the woman of my dreams, B'Elanna Torres. She was five minutes late, and grumbled for ten minutes about Seven of Nine, but I didn't really hear what she'd said, too busy watching her chest heave in anger.

"Wow," I exclaimed, then realized I'd spoken aloud, "she can be difficult."

"See, I knew I was right," she sat on the couch opposite me.

I licked my lips, "How do you, let off steam?"

"Well, the Holodeck, I suppose," she crossed her arms, "and mostly fighting scenarios. I like to be physical when I'm upset. Sometimes combat, but mostly I like to…"

I almost came in that second, "Yes?"

"Well, I'm kind of embarrassed," she leaned in, her face inches from mine, "but I like to screw when I'm mad. And be physical about it. But Tom, well, he's more than just a wimp. He's so vanilla, and I'm so, not."

"Very interesting," my snatch was gathering moisture, and I hoped Klingons did not have a good sense of smell.

"You know," B'Elanna rested her head on her hand, "I think he's happier hanging out with Harry than being in bed with me. I mean, we used to rock Deck Nine Section Twelve - just ask that fucking Borg bitch - but not anymore. I'm so, pent up, I don't know what to do."

Me. Do me. Please, if there is a God, do me.

"Sadly we're out of time," I gasped, looking at the clock, "and I have an important appointment. There's an opening in my schedule for Friday, please, I'd like to continue."

B'Elanna smiled, and nodded. Hot damn, those burning brown eyes.

She left my quarters, and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

Kathy was my next appointment, and when she came, did I ever have a surprise for her.

[[ So ends Part One of my insanity. R&R please if you love laffs.]]