Narrator: In a galaxy far, far away...
FUR WARS: Episode Spoof- The Phantom Fanfic
Alonzo: [glances at title] The galaxy obviously wasn't far *enough* away...
[Cut to: an airport in California. The Episode 1 characters are
getting ready to board an airplane for a location shot. No one seems
to be very happy, except for Yoda, who seems a bit *too* happy.]
Obi-Wan: I've got a bad feeling about this, Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon: For once, young Padowan, I'm going to have to agree with you.
Master Yoda?
[Yoda appears in "tourist gear," including a camera, Hawaiian shirt,
pith helmet, and sunglasses. He's holding a coconut with a paper
umbrella in it.]
Yoda: Paranoid you are; enjoying this I am!
Jar-Jar: Yousa crazy, little green dude! Cra- *zy*! Not even maxi-big Force
help you now, you so insane! Yousa been in the sun too long!
Yoda: [looks upset] Get the point I do.
[They walk past Queen Amidala, who is talking to the luggage
handler.]
Amidala: I will not condone a course of action that will put my wardrobe in
jeopardy. Do I make myself perfectly clear, Chancellor?
Handler: Lady, I don't know what the heck you just said. Besides, I'm not
Chancellor, my name's Dick. You sure your headgear ain't on too
tight or somethin-
[He slumps over onto the floor. Behind him, Darth Maul puts away
his lightsaber.]
Maul: Sometimes, you just have to love being a Sith...
C-3PO: Oh my... I see now why he didn't make it to Episode Two...
R2-D2: Bleep-bloop!
Obi-Wan: Master, have you seen Ani?
Qui-Gon: Why don't you ask Her Highness over there? [jerks his thumb back
at phone booth]
[Obi-Wan looks; his eyes go wide.]
Obi-Wan: I didn't think that was supposed to happen until the next episode...
Besides, isn't he a little young for that?
Yoda: [Walks past the two Jedis] Get out more you should...
[Cut to: an airport in London. The CATS characters are getting
ready to board an airplane for a long-needed vacation. No one seems
to be very happy, except for Gus, who seems a bit *too* happy.]
Alonzo: I don't think this is a good idea, Munku.
Munkustrap: Uh, I'll probably agree with you on that later. What do you think,
Gus?
[Gus comes by in "tourist gear", wearing a vest, straw hat, swimming
goggles, and carrying a video camera. He has a cup of cappuccino in
his free hand.]
Gus: I think you're both nuts! This is fun; say hi to everyone back home!
Macavity: And I think you've finally lost it, theatre-cat! Absolutely *lost it*!
Not even all of that caffiene's gonna bring you out of it now!
Someone get him some sunscreen before what little brain he has left
*fries*!
Gus: [looks angry] I still have my hearing aids in, young whipper-snapper!
[They walk past Demeter, who is arguing with the luggage handler.]
Demeter: I told you, if my luggage gets lost, you are gonna get it, buster! Do I
make myself clear?!
Handler: Oh, gosh, I'm so scared! What are you gonna do to me, huh? What
are you gonna d-
[He slumps to the floor, holding his head and groaning, as
Bombalurina puts away her binoculars.]
Bomba: Me? Violent? *Nah*!
Tugger: And they used to wonder why I didn't want her!
Etcetera: Uh-huh!!!!!
Alonzo: Munkustrap, have you seen Misto?
Munkustrap: Why don't you go ask my "mate" over there? [angrily points to the
elevator as the doors open]
[Alonzo looks; he turns his head away.]
Alonzo: You don't think she might be mad at you...?
Gus: [walks by] Some kits never learn...
[Cut to: the California airport. Somehow undetected by the
authorities, the author has hired a strung-out cat (named Chapeau,
surprise surprise) to change the flight numbers. Start Mission:
Impossible music. All of a sudden, she comes in through the roof,
rather clumsily, causing quite a few ceiling tiles to fall. No one seems
to notice, however. She quickly hacks into the electronic flight board
and inserts a rubber chicken. All of the flight numbers mysteriously
mix themselves up. She gives the thumbs up, and she goes back out
the way she came. The author is on the roof to greet her]
Author: You know, you could have used the door.
Chapeau: (taken by surprise) That's too easy! Besides, I needed an excuse to
use my new boombox...
Author: What-ever. Now, c'mon, we've got to hit mach four if we want to
make it to London on time to screw some more characters' lives up!
[Cut to: London airport. Nothing happens.]
Alonzo: That's strange, I was sure that something-
[Enter Chapeau through the front doors, running at break-neck
speed toward the flight board. Insert random stewardesses
screaming.]
Admetus: Man, I *hate* it when you're right! What's *she* doing here? (flips
through script that magically appears) She's not supposed to be here
'till we start the original movies! This is all wrong!
Alonzo: (confused) What is she playing?
Admetus: Props, scenery, technical, make-up, and extras. (both shudder)
Mistoffelees: (offstage) Remind me to call in sick!
Alonzo: (still confused) Besides that fact, what are *you* doing here? I
thought you stayed in the junkyard.
Admetus: (waves hand vaguely in front of Zo's face) That doesn't matter!
Alonzo: It.... doesn't matter....
[Cut to: the California airplane, flying over cities, states, and towns.]
[Cut to: the cockipit of the London airplane, also flying over said
cities, states, and towns.]
Pilot: That's funny, I thought this plane was supposed to be going to
Hawaii, but the plan says we're to make an immediate landing near...
(flips through plan) THE SAHARA DESERT?! *Okay, so they didn't actually film any on-location scenes in the Sahara, but they DID take pictures from there for the pod racing; bear with me here.*
[Co-pilot Chapeau shrugs and looks innocent.]
[Cut to: the cockpit of the California airplane.]
Pilot: You know, I could've sworn we were supposed to go to Hawaii, but
this flight plan says we're actually heading to... (flips through plan)
LONDON?!
Co-Pilot: (Chapeau over headphones) Imagine me shrugging and looking
innocent!
[Cut to: Star Wars characters in the plane.]
Yoda: (to stewardess) Jedi you want to be, no?
Stewardess: Actually, that'd be kinda cool. What's the pay?
Yoda: Jedi be it's own reward.
Stewardess: ARE YOU CRAZY?! (walks off)
Jar-Jar: Meesa thought we aleady established that fact.
[Cut to: CATS characters in the plane.]
Gus: (to stewardess) So, you want to be in the theatre, eh?
Stewardess: Yeah, that would be *electric*! How much would I get paid?
Gus: (looks confused) Pay? Acting? No, no, I think you've got acting
confused with movies... *Actors,* you see, get paid hardly enough to
survive and learn how to go through long periods of time with no
sleep and a day job to pay the rent and buy food when they
remember that they haven't eaten recently.
Stewardess: You're crazy!! (walks off)
Macavity: Oh, you just now caught on to that, huh!
Munkustrap: Leave him alone, Mac, he's old and senile.
Macavity: And annoying as hell!
Mistofelees: Can't we all just get along?
Alonzo: ...Says the guy who made out with Demi in the elevator. (ducks as
Misto throws a bolt at him) Guess you got along okay! (ducks again)
Demeter: Honestly, it wasn't that much...
Tugger: This could get messy pretty quickly.
Etcetera: Uh-huh!!!!!
Mistofelees: (annoyed) If we all just made up-
Alonzo: (pops up) He's the expert in that!
[He runs and hides in the bathroom, but to no avail. Before too long,
the airplane is one huge ruckus on wings.]
Munkustrap: You know, kits jus- (turns to Gus; sees him getting video tape of
everything; sighs) just don't get it. (looks at the package of airplane
peanuts) So, what's a nut like you doin' in a place like this?
[Alonzo goes flying overhead, insanely laughing. Misto and Mac are
in a heated debate and have wound up throwing magazines at each
other. Bombalurina is discontendetly filing her nails, trying to ignore
the chaos.]
Munkustrap: ...obviously just along for the ride. (stares out window)
[Cut to: the Star Wars characters on the plane. There are several
lightsaber battles occurring as the result of Obi-Wan's side comments
about Ami and Ani's love life; Yoda is busily snapping pictures for all
the Ewoks that didn't make the film. Qui-Gon is trying to snooze;
emphasis on trying.]
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah? Well you get killed off in the end and I don't, you... you...
quick, R2, I need an insult!
[Cut to: CATS.]
Bomba: What do you mean, "I look like a goat"?! You tryin' to be funny,
boZo!
Alonzo: (cowers) Um...
[Cut to: Star Wars.]
Obi-Wan: I don't appreciate being called a Bantha!
Maul: Oh, and all of a sudden "sith-icated" is a compliment?!
[Cut to: CATS.]
Alonzo: Well, uh, it all kinda depends on your... um.... point of view?
(nervous smile; ducks and runs)
Macavity: He's getting good at avoiding people; not as good as me, though...
Demeter: (sarcastic) Oh, of course not.
[Cut to: Star Wars.]
Jar-Jar: Ahh!!! Meesa gonna *die*! (jumps in the overhead luggage
compartment)
Amidala: Oh, that's helpful- HEY! WATCH THE HAIR!
[They hide the lightsabers behind their backs and look sheepish.]
Maul: Sorry, ma'am, won't happen again.
Obi-Wan: Nope, nope, we'll be careful.
[Few moments of silence; they start fighting again.]
[Cut to: later. The Star Wars characters' plane has landed
somewhere in or near London. They come off of the airplane quite
shocked.]
Yoda: Hawaii this not; Confused I am...
Qui-Gon: You and me both, little buddy... C-3PO, do you know where we are?
C-3PO: Judging from the terrain, it is definitely modern civilization, pre- new
millennium. I shall attempt to translate with the natives. (walks up
to a policeman) Excuse me, sir? I am C-3PO, Human-Cyborg
Relations. I am inquiring as to our current status.
Policeman: (blinks) WHAT?
Jar-Jar: Heesa wanna know where we are!
Policeman: (quite calm) Oh, you're in London, England. I'm sorry, your droids
are going to have to go through Customs. If you'll follow me please...
[Cut to: the CATS characters' plane. It has emergency landed
somewhere in the Sahara Desert. They get off of the plane.]
Gus: Something tells me that this isn't Hawaii...
Munkustrap: Yeah, me too. Tugger, do you have any idea where we are?
Tugger: What do I look like, a walking, talking atlas?
Etcetera: Uh-huh!!!!!
[Just then, George Lucas walks up, flanked by a publicist, stuntman,
and a make-up artist.]
Lucas: ...and here's my all-star... (looks at the cats) cast?
Publicist: Wow! I can see the headlines now....
[Next day; a newspaper lands next to someone's foot. The headline
reads, "LUCAS HIRES PHANTOM FELINES?" Qui-Gon picks it
up, clears his throat, and begins to read to everyone.]
Qui-Gon: Ahem... "In a recent show of artistic daring, film director George
Lucas of *STAR WARS* fame introduced the cast of his new movie.
To everyone's surprise, the entire main cast is made up of nothing
but... (looks confused)" Now that can't be right, there's no way.
Obi-Wan: No way for what, Master Qui-Gon?
Qui-Gon: It says here that the title characters are all played by... cats.
Yoda: But supposed to be in that movie we were!
Jar-Jar: Meesa no likin' the looks of this...
All: Looks of what?
Jar-Jar: Weesa surrounded by a bunch of cats...
Victoria: (gasps) Obi-Wan Kenobi!!!! (faints)
Jellylorum: Hey, wait a minute... if they're from Star Wars... and they're here...
and our Cats our in Star Wars, and they're *from* here... (shocked;
looks at Star Wars characters) You're going to have to take their
places in CATS. We're going on tour.
C-3PO: Oh my...
R2-D2: Bleep-bloop!
Maul: But... but... but I can't dance!
Anakin: Like that's stopped you before.
Maul: (looks embarrassed) That... that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far away.
Jenny: Well, I guess I'll just have some new pupils! Come on, we haven't got
all day, we have to teach you the musical before next week!
[They all go, except for Cassandra and Tumblebrutus.]
Tumble: What kind of twisted, diabolical mind could have so twistedly and
diabolically plotted up a scheme so... so... SO...
Cassandra: (bored; yawns) Twisted and diabolical?
Tumble: Yes! (glances at her) How did you know?
Cassandra: Lucky guess, I'm sure.
[Cut to: the Cats, recieving their scripts for Episode One. They are
getting ready to film the podracing sequence.]
Tugger: Yo! Mister Director! Isn't this scene supposed to be computer-
rendered?
Lucas: Yeah, but we're running kinda short on production budget. We had
to pay the producers of *The Blair Spoof Project*.
Tugger: What for, to keep them off of your set?
Lucas: No, to keep them from writing fanfic about this. (Author's note: It
didn't work. Mwa-ha-ha-hat!) Now, everyone, I'm giving you your
scripts; please don't lose them or complain about your parts. Go to
wardrobe, get suited up, and be back out here in half an hour!
*slams clapboard* ACTION!
[Cats scramble in a dozen different directions. A few minutes of
silence go by. Suddenly...]
Macavity: AIIIIEEEEEEE! WHAT THE-?! (rushes out to confront Lucas)
What kind of lunatic are you?!
Lucas: I beg your pardon?
Macavity: You expect me to wear *this*??? (looks at Jar-Jar Binks costume)
Besides that, have you even read the script? You're expecting me,
the Napoleon of Crime, to walk out on stage and say... (flips through
script) "Ex-squeeze me?!?"
Lucas: Um... yes?
Macavity: (grabs his shirt collar and puts finger in his face) Listen here, buster;
K-
Mistoffelees: (offstage) Man, have you seen our paychecks for this gig? We're
gonna make a mint!
[Macavity changes his mind.]
Macavity: (puts him down, dusts him off) -eep up the good work. (walks away
grinning evilly)
[Cut to: Jennyanydots, giving the Star Wars characters dance
lessons. Jellylorum and Skimbleshanks are in the next room handing
out make-shift costumes.]
Jenny: Now, we're going to start out with something simple. It's called a
brush-step. Follow me; right foot, brush, step! Left foot, brush, step!
Right foot, brush, step! Left foot, brush, step!
[R2-D2 falls over, knocking into Yoda, who trips on his robe and falls
over, and on and on, until only Jenny is left standing.]
Jenny: Great! Everybody, I want to (turns around) ...see you do it. Um...
Amidala: Somebody help me, I can't stand up with all this hair!
R2-D2: Beep-beep-bloo-bloop!
C-3PO: (shocked) Mind your manners, R2!
[Cut to: the costume room.]
Jar-Jar: Meesa no likin' this!
Jellylorum: Come out, dear, we have to make sure it fits.
Jar-Jar: Yousa gonna laugh!
Skimble: I don't think we'll laugh, Jarbinks-
Jar-Jar: Meesa Jar-Jar Binks.
Skimble: Yes, yes, quite. We won't laugh, then, Jarjarbonks-
Jar-Jar: JAR-JAR BINKS! (thinks) Although, that is kinda catchy! Can it be
meesa kitty name?
[He comes out in a Macavity costume that is much too short. The
headfur is hopelessly stuck on one ear, much like a Santa hat; he
hasn't got the claws on right, either. Jellylorum and Skimbleshanks
are trying desperately not to crack up. Jar-Jar picks up his script
and leafs through it.]
Jar-Jar: Okay, lessee... (sings in bad voice) Jarjarbonks the Gungan cat; the
cat on the star cruiser! Jarjarbonks, th-
Jellylorum: No, dear, that's Skimble's song. Your part's over here.
[She turns him to the right page; he glances at it.]
Jar-Jar: (excited) O-oh! Meesa Napoleon of Crime!
Skimble: (watching him bouncing up and down) Oh, boy...
[Cut to: Episode One camp. They are getting ready to film scenes for
the trailer and everyone is disputing over parts- in both uses of the
term.]
Bomba: Dem, girl, are you *sure* that's how your hairpiece is supposed to
go? I don't remember it being like that in the storyboard. Don't get
me wrong, it looks great like that, it's just...
[She glances nervously at Demeter's coifs, which are some-what
uncoifed at the moment. Better description in a moment...]
Bomba: Um... well... I'll put it this way; remember that time the tribe went to
Sea World?
[Macavity goes walking past in costume, talking with Lucas.]
Macavity: ...There're just so many different possibilities for Jar-Jar that we
haven't begun to explore! Can't you just see this guy as a tall,
clumsy, and rather-gangly Tuscan raider?
Lucas: No, I can't. I don't see him as Sebulba, a Hutt, or a member of the
Trade Federation either!
[Stalks away, then comes back, handing him an action figure
prototype.]
Lucas: And I definitely don't see him as Darth-Darth Binks! (he
leaves)
Macavity: (following) Aw, come on! Let me use the Force, Luc!
Bomba: (off stage) No, Demi, I meant giant sea serpent in a *good* way! Put
the lightsaber *down*!
Stagehand: AHHHHH!!!!
[The stagehand comes screaming through, nearly knocking George
Lucas over. He's followed by Demeter in her queenly dress and
squid-ly hair, who is being followed by Bombalurina, trying to run in
an extremely long robe. She, in turn, is being shadowed by the make-
up artist. The director finally stands up. A stuntman storms up.]
Stuntman: That's the last straw! I've had it up to here with that damned magic
Cat! I mean, knowing all my stunts is one thing, but this-
[He holds up the remains of a torched stunt suit.]
Stuntman: -so that's it! I quit! (walks out)
Alonzo: I'm sorry, Mr. Lucas?
Lucas: WHAT NOW?!?
Alonzo: Eh... would this be a bad time to mention that I can't do stuntwork?
[Lucas beats his head against a model of the pod racer.]
Publicist: Hmm... This would make a very interesting article; "GEORGE
WARS"!
Lucas: Where did these crazy cats come from?!
[Cut to: Andrew Lloyd Webber's office. He has scheduled an
emergency meeting with the Jellicles and Trevor Nunn.]
Webber: One at a time, please. I only have two ears.
Jenny: I'll put it bluntly; none of these space loons can dance to save their
souls! They can't even sing! The only person that seems to have half
of a chance is this O. B. One, and no offence to poor 'Zo, but that's
who he's cast as! Do you know who's playing Misto?!
Anakin: Hi! I'm Anakin Skywalker! I'm going to be a Jedi one day! Are you
an angel? I hear travellers talking about angels all the time!
Admetus: (gagging) Any more sappyness from this guy and I think I'll be sick...
Tumble: Hey, where have you been?
Admetus: Um... not long ago? In a country not so far away? (acts hopeful)
Jellylorum: Anyway, what we're trying to say is casting this little boy as
Mistofelees just isn't right, especially since Misto has a whole dance
segment to himself. I think we should put Obi-Wan in his place
instead.
Webber: (to Nunn) You're the director; what do you think?
Nunn: I think it's fine as long as we confiscate those swords of theirs. (points
to head) This was my best hat, you know.
Victoria: So Obi-Wan Kenobi is going to be playing Misto's part?
Nunn: Yes.
Victoria: All of it?
Webber: Yes.
Victoria: (singing) Wan-ny Angel, 'Cause I love him, and I hope someday that
he'll love me...
[Cut to: Newspaper headline reading, "OBI-WAN; THE FORCE IS
WITH HIM." The Star Wars publicist picks it up to hand to George
Lucas- who is sitting in therapy- later.]
Therapist: How long ago did these... dreams begin?
Lucas: It wasn't too long ago.
Therapist: Why don't you explain them to me?
Lucas: They're just so complicated! I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
Therapist: (bored) Try me.
Lucas: Well, okay. It all started when my great-grandfather told me that the
nebula wasn't big enough for both Darth Vader and Darth Maul, so
one of them had to go, and then I was surrounded by all of these Jar-
Jar sized cats...
[A few hours pass. The therapist is lying on the couch while Lucas
sits in the chair.]
Lucas: ...and then I woke up. What really surprised me was that Auntie Em
didn't seem to mind that I'd taken to calling Toto Polly-Wollical. So
what's my problem?
[The therapist snores, and Lucas looks distraught.]
Lucas: I really wish these fans would stop trying to talk to me in alien
languages without my translator!
Publicist: Sir? I think I know what's happened to our casting...
Lucas: Let me guess; there was an airplane switch-up and all of our cast
members are somewhere in London! Yeah, right!
Publicist: (nervous) Um... well... actually...
Lucas: (covers his face with his hands) This can't be happening...
[Cut to: the film editing room for Star Wars. Two film editors are
watching the Naboo forest scenes with interest. The coffee seems to
be spiked, judging from their moods.]
Editor 1: Hold up a sec, I want to see that part again...
[Show film.]
Macavity: Ahh. Ahh. Meesa gonna die. Whoop-de-doodle crap. (sees Munku)
Oh, save me. Help help. The evil director has me locked in this
tower and my ears aren't long enough. Ack.
Munkustrap: (annoyed) Will you shut up and get out of the way?
Bomba: (running through in full costume) Yee-ha! (decapitates several
droids; sees Mac) Well look what the cat's dragged in... or was it
thrown up, in your case?
Macavity: (grabs Munku's lightsaber) Have at thee!
[She runs offstage screaming as Macavity goes tearing through the
scenery, attacking extras with the lightsaber. Mistofelees saunters in
and looks at Munkustrap, who is standing there with a confused
expression on his face.]
Mistofelees: Hey, fellow Jedi! Me and 'Zo traded roles, mainly since he's too
afraid to go tearing through the galaxy and I'm not. What's up?
Demeter: (offstage) I will not condemn a course of action that will... whoops, I
meant condo... Condo a course of action? Mr. Lucas, I think there's
a typo!
Macavity: Thy fiendish ways are nought but foolery, Mistress Bombalurina!
Bomba: Thou art the fiend; nay, the fool!
Alonzo: When did we go medieval?
Macavity: Dost thou percievest me naive, thieving wench?!
Bomba: Aye, but I do, mayst thy children all be scum! En guarde!
Mistofelees: Can I be Zorro?
Demeter: I thinkest not.
Munkustrap: Oh, good, you finally owned up to it.
Demeter: WHAT?! (they yell at each other)
[The editors are rolling in the floor.]
Editor 2: (laughing) I guess if this thing falls through, we've always got
*Battlefield Earth* coming up. Ha ha ha! We'll show those CGI guys what real movies are made out of then!
[Chapeau sneaks down the corridor to talk with the author, who is
looking on nervously.]
Author: Exactly how much magic mushroom dust did you put in that
coffeepot, anyway?
Chapeau: Metric or standard measurement?
[Cut to: the Junkyard. The Jellicles are rehearsing. They've just
gotten up to Rum Tum Tugger's song.]
C-3PO: Hello, I'm Rom Tom, Jellicle-Cyborg Relations. Meow.
Cats: The Rom Tom Cyborg is a Technical Cat.
C-3PO: If you offer me adventure, I'd rather go hide.
If you-
Webber: Cut! Cut! This isn't working... Where's Costume?
R2-D2: Bee-bloop-bloo-wee!
Webber: What do you mean you're handling it now? You're supposed to be
playing Etcetera!
R2-D2: Bloop-bloop.
Webber: Nothing personal, I just don't see you as the head of the costume
department, that's all. Now, would you please go show "Rom Tom"
over there where his tail's supposed to go?
Victoria: (to Obi-Wan) So, how long have you been a Jedi?
Obi-Wan: That's about the same as my asking you how long you've been a cat.
Victoria: (fake giggles) Oh, you're such a joker!
Obi-Wan: Wha-?
Qui-Gon: This costume itches...
Yoda: Furry we be, but like this you don't.
Jar-Jar: Oh, it took yousa that long to figure it out? (they start fighting)
Webber: (head in hands) Why didn't I just stick with revivals? Why did I
ever want to tour? WHY?
Nunn: Because you love musical theatre?
Webber: Keep mentioning that to me, I'm starting to forget...
Jellylorum: A cup of hot tea, Mr. Director, sir?
Webber: Yes, thanks. (dumps it over his head)
[Cut to: a prop room. There is an extreme amount of Cockney-like
giggling and suddenly, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer pop up from
behind a star cruiser dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia.]
Mungojerrie: Ya think we'll, eh, fi' in?
Rumple: Woy not? Oi think we look ou'landish enough alrea'y!
Mungojerrie: 'ere, look a' this mask!
Rumple: I's so shoiny! (tries to put Darth Vader mask on) Oh, i' won' go on
over th' bagels on me ears.
Mungojerrie: Neve'th'less... (sticks it in a large cloth sack)
Rumple: Le's go 'elp ou' with th' movie! Come on!
[Cut to: Andrew Lloyd Webber, in a therapy session with the same
therapist; hey, in fanfc, anything's possible!]
Webber: ...and he won't stop singing! I keep trying and trying to tell Mr.
Maul that he's not supposed to try and kill Macavity... or
Munkustrap... or Old Deuteronomy. Speaking of Deuteronomy, you
know what that stupid Jar-Jar alien's started calling him?
Therapist: Haven't a clue.
Webber: (chokes) Old Neuteronomy...
[The therapist tries not to laugh.]
Webber: IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Therapist: (regains composure) Of course not, of course not... do go on.
Webber: (sighs) It's just become a huge mess. The characters have started
changing their names; we now have Binkavity the Mystery Gungan,
Qui-Gonstrap, Queen Amimeter, R2-cetera, and the Magical Master
Wan-offelees, just to name a few! Even worse, they've decided to
redo the songs. It's turning into hell... (looks petrified) only...
*furrier*...
Therapist: The road to Hell is paved with bad attention, to change the phrase
completely. Perhaps if you let them have their way with the script, it
will all become better? Kind of like reverse psychology?
Webber: No, that wouldn't work, it'd be the Webber Furry Picture Show in
five seconds flat.
Therapist: Maybe a documentary?
Webber: (skeptical) Yeah, I can see it now; The Star Cats Project. Three cats
went into the theatre and never returned. This playbill is all that
remains. (Author's note: soon coming to a fanfic near you!)
Therapist: Well, then, Mr. Webber, I'm afraid that there's only one other
option to the root of the problem.
Webber: (frightened) You don't mean-
Therapist: I'm afraid I do. It's really the only logical explanation. How else
could all of this be happening?
Webber: This entire time, I have been-
Therapist: Probably.
Webber: But... but...
Therapist: Calm down, it's not the end of the world. It's just a f-
Webber: Don't say it! Don't say the f-word! Serious stories are bad enough!
Please, God, NO! I've been good, honest!
Therapist: But, it's just one, little f-
Webber: NOOOOOO! (runs out door screaming)
[The therapist takes off her wig and goes over to the window.
Moving the curtain aside, she opens the window, letting in Chapeau.]
Therapist: I kept telling you how he'd react, but noooo!
Chapeau: Hey, you're the author, not me!
Therapist: Actually, we're the same person, but who cares? At least we've
almost finished this f-
[Cut to: Trevor Nunn's office. He's on the phone with Webber.]
Nunn: You mean that these entire four days was all the work of a f... fanf...
one of *those* writers?!
Webber: I'm afraid so. We're going to have to call Lucas and break the news
to him.
Nunn: Those dirty, rotten authors...
Webber: Say, that gives me an idea... (whispers something into phone; they
both laugh)
[Cut to: an open field. The author is awaiting the cast of her new
upcoming film spoof, *Sith Side Story*. Unfortunately, when the
plane lands, she is greeted by...]
Borg Leader: Resistance is futile.
Author: I know who's behind this! (screams) CHA-
[Cut to: Skywalker Ranch. Webber, Nunn, Lucas, the Episode One
Cast, and the Jellicles are having a party.]
Lucas: -peau, I think you may have outdone yourself this time.
Chapeau: No, no... just wait until the next fanfi-
All: DON'T SAY IT!
Deut: By the way, where did you send the author's upcoming Sith star?
Chapeau: Heh heh... well, I had to improvise a bit.
Shmi: Oh no. And I thought Anakin got into trouble.
[There is nervous laughter.]
[Cut to: somewhere near Paramount Studios...]
Director: Okay, Trekkies, we're getting ready to film the scene where Data
battles the Borg leader. Now, if casting will just get here...
[Casting walks in with Dr. Laura in a Borg outfit.]
Dr. Laura: You're all wrong!!!
Director: (looks upward) No...
The End
Rumple: Ya mean tha's i'? O-oh...
Mungojerrie: Don' worry, Rumple, there's olways Episo' Two!
[There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence.]
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!