Even in Death

Our apartment felt so empty. Dreadfully so. I hated it. You weren't there anymore, were you, Matty? No, I wasn't going to get a "Hey, Mell," from your room as I walked past. I couldn't stay here. I was jittery, tense, alert. I had to do something. Your coffee mug, the Stormtrooper one, sat cold on the table. A cigarette and a PS2 memory card were beside it.

I left everything untouched, for my own insanity. The freakishly low chance that you might return—I was loosing it. I wanted you to come home, punch me, say I was one screwed up mother-fucking bastard for letting this happen to you. But no—right? Everything was backwards now. No, you'd come back. Give me a reason to believe that you're gone. I dare you.

Any minute now.

I couldn't do this without you…

I'd give this chance away to have you back…

No, I was going to go down in style, clad in leather, going by something dramatic. No way were they taking me down without a fight, something to remember me by.

Kidnap. I had to get that bitch, Takada, didn't I? Tomorrow.

It was night, like all good stories begin—but mine was almost over. No, wait, you see, Matt? You see what this is doing to me? I blame you. You were- no, I sent you there. I couldn't blame you. I ran a hand through my hair, remembering how normal it was for us to sit together there, on that couch, working on the case, leaning against each other, pretending for a bit that the world wasn't as fucked as it was.

Moonlight on the soft brown earth led me to where you lay, soft white light, casting a small shadow from everything. It hit the little marker I'd set in the garden for you. I couldn't do any better. I'd found you in the alleyway where the police had dragged you, sickened by their laziness, there lack of humanity. I'd caught your last words. "I'll wait for you." It seemed so long ago, though. But… was… how long had it been? I carefully laid my second black rosary on the small stone, said a small prayer for you, turned, and left.

They took you away from me—heartless bastards—but now I'm taking you home. At least, your memory. You'd come later. You had always promised you would never leave me. You were here. Although, if you were in Heaven, and God forgave us both for all the sins we'd committed then… but you were here.

I will stay forever here with you, my love. Lost through the memories of mornings we kept for ourselves, simply laying there, the only noise the field theme in The Legend of Zelda on your Gameboy. We'd drink our morning drinks, hot chocolate and black black coffee. The softly spoken words you gave me… See? Even in death our love goes on. Maybe you'd come back. You would. I know it. Perhaps I didn't tell you how much I love you enough… but I can't love you anymore than I do. You never knew, did you? I'd let you know.

Some say I'm crazy for my love for you, my love. Halle for instance. She thinks I really lost it. But you haven't really left me. No bonds can hold me from your side, my love, we made so many promises. You'd never leave me- they don't know that you can't leave me.

Foosteps.

I spun around, the rosary slipping to the ground as I stood.

"Matt…?" I whispered. You didn't reply. "Matt, answer me!" I demanded- but still, nothing. I clenched my fists. Oh, who was cruel now? Was that- you were laughing at me. I knew it. For thinking you were gone. You were still here.

I was on the subway, just riding for a while, getting out. What was that song you used to sing…? I couldn't remember. Only the melody drifted through my mind, but soon, words began to follow. They can't hear you singing to me…

I saw your outline in the window of our apartment and I tore inside. I hadn't locked the door- you'd always done that. You weren't there. Our apartment was a wreck. I'd thrown things, broken them, furious with you.

I was in the delivery truck with Takada, taking her to the point I'd decided on. An old church. This wasn't going to work though. Kira knew my name. I was a dead man walking. It was only a matter of time before he either killed off or saved his darling spokeswoman and me. No, it wouldn't be long before I can stay forever here with you, my love.

"Hey, Mello," I heard your voice beside me in the passenger seat. A flash of red. I gripped the steering wheel tighter. The softly spoken words you gave me sent chills of lost longing and hopelessness down my spine.

You know, I slept badly. I'd never slept particularly well, but I hadn't slept for a week now. I was scared I'd see you, bloody, faceless, blaming me for everything. After all, you were the decoy sacrifice, the knight taken by the rooks to clear the path for the kamikaze bishop. Still it haunted me. The only death that did. No, even in death our love goes on.

There was silence in the van. The luck you'd wished me with a desperate kiss was running out. I could see Takada trembling in fear in the rearview mirror. I didn't care.

I wasn't focusing at all. I was back not a week ago, with you, your arms around me when you whispered you loved me. I can't love you any more than I do.

I don't want to die, no one does, but… if it would really mean that I could be with you… Then perhaps it's time. I want to run my hands through your crimson hair, gently pull the goggles from your eyes to see that stunning hazel-green I couldn't get enough of…

I looked up in the mirror and my heart began to race. She was writing. Panic flooded me. Takada had a piece of paper from the Death Note. God knew where she'd kept it all this time. We were at the church. Thirty-five. Soon, Matt, soon. I will stay forever here with you, my love…

"Mello, chill out," you chuckled. Twenty-eight.

"Matt…" I whispered.

The softly spoken words you gave me forced me to relax. Acceptance. I had to accept this. Twenty-three. Twenty-two. Even in death our love goes on. We were still connected. I clutched the rosary around my neck.

Eighteen.

Seventeen.

Sixteen.

Fifteen.

Fourteen.

Thirteen.

Twelve.

Eleven.

Ten.

"Dear god, please save my soul and forgive me for my sins," I whispered a final prayer, "And let me see Matt, please, God. Amen."

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Pain tore at me. I fell to the floor of the truck, clenching the rosary.

My hand went slack, the imprint still visible in my skin.

Darkness.

And I can't love you anymore than I do.

I'll find you.

You never left me, did you?