Don't Miss Your Own Life
Since my head-cinema just won't stop showing me stuff about them, I've decided to write them down – first time ever to write FanFiction – actually first time ever writing so much in English or in my own native language "Austrian"-German ;-). I'll apologize in advance – if I have misused some words or whatever. No harm intended. Cheesy stuff and messing around with Caroline & Kate.
You can find the music I'll mention in my YouTube playlist: go to my profile, I've post a link there.
Just borrowing them from the lovely Sally Wainwright (is it weird, if I would say I love her brain?)
The title of my Fic was inspired by the song, from a very talented singer/songwriter – Saint Lu (Luise Gruber) – born in the same town as me ;-) .
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1. The first crack in the wall
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Caroline sighed annoyed as she looked at the pile of paperwork in front of her, which she still had to work through. At least she had no pressure to get home. Her mother was with the boys and kept an eye on them. One thing she hadn't to worry about right now.
She was behind her schedule - badly, in the last two weeks she was at school, but couldn't get much work done. She looked down to her hands, ready to type something on the keyboard and getting some work done, but her eyes got once again trapped on the slightly fading mark, which the ring who settled there for 18 years had left.
Her life was breaking apart – she was breaking apart. All the things she had worked so hard for. She had invested everything in this marriage and now, her husband left her, just like that.
She was him always a good wife, never cheated on him and he left her for the first best woman who wanted him. Her mother was right, he is a nitwit, but what did she know, she was married herself for 50 years – trapped in an unhappy marriage.
She felt drained. She needed a break – now.
Kate just putted the kettle on, when she heard the sound of high-heels in the hallway. The door opened and without to turn around, Kate asked, "Do you want a tea too, Caroline?"
"Oh, Goodness! ... I thought I was alone," startled the headmistress.
"Sorry, scaring you wasn't my intention," Kate smirked.
"How did you know..."
Kate looked over her shoulder and asked impish, "Who else would stride through the hallway with high-heels at this time?"
Caroline wrinkled up her nose, "Hmm... good point."
Her face lit up and she sighed with relief, "...Yes, please... I would love one."
The blonde sat down at the table and watched the modern language teacher preparing the tea. She liked the sudden mood change within her as soon as she heard her voice.
Kate handed her a steaming hot cup of tea over and joined her at the table, opposite to her.
"Sorry, if this is a too private question, but, is everything okay... at home? I mean," she asked worried.
"How... What makes you think that?" retorted a staggered Caroline.
"Well, I developed a sixth sense, after my divorce with Richard, for women in similar situations... and I'm not blind Caroline. You haven't worn your wedding ring for two weeks – since we are back at school since Christmas holidays."
"Ohhh..." she sighed, looked thoughtful down to her hands and gripped the cup tighter.
After a minute in silence, Kate stood up and reaffirmed "I'm sorry, Caroline, I shouldn't have..."
"No, no, it's okay... don't worry about it."
"Sure I worry... A boss with a bad mood could be a pretty bad pain in the arse, you know. ... and we don't want that to happen," she joked, trying to lighten the mood.
"No, we don't," she smirked, with a little spark in her eyes, as she looked up to Kate. "It's just... you are the first one, actually noticing it... here in school. ... Well, or at least you were the only one who had the courage and asked me directly."
"Do you want to..."
"Talk about it? ... Oh gosh, no... but thank you... for the offer."
"Anyway, if you want to talk with someone about it, you know where to find me ... and folk say I'm a pretty good listener," said Kate, before she exited the room.
On the next day, Kate spotted Caroline across the hallway; they walked up to each other. Kate couldn't help herself, but when she saw the headmistress walking towards her, her golden hair moving undulate in the rare glimpse of winter sunlight, she had to think about the German rock-song 'Sonne' by 'Rammstein'.
'Everyone is waiting for the light
be afraid, don't be afraid
the sun is shining out of my eyes
it will not set tonight
and the world counts loudly to ten
One
Here comes the sun
Two
Here comes the sun
Three
She is the brightest star of them all
Four
Here comes the sun...'
She felt like one of the dwarfs, orbiting around their own golden star – their boss – unreachable – untouchable – who never would love them, as they loved her. 'Oh gosh, don't be ridiculous Kate, don't act like a love struck teenager. Anyway she's married...; she is straight, she wouldn't look at me twice,' she thought. But she smiled at Caroline and her heart skipped a beat, as the headmistress rewarded it with a smile of her own, when they passed each other.
Kate was already near to the room where she had to be. She took the chance as she opened the door, to look after her boss, swaying her hip as she walked down the corridor.
'...Five
Here comes the sun
Six
Here comes the sun
Seven
She is the brightest star of all
Eight, nine
Here comes the sun…'
Later that day - evening;
With a pile of notebooks in her hands, Kate returned from where she picked them up, she wasn't even gone for five minutes, her music playlist still sounding from the stereo.
"Thank god, we don't have to pay for all these extra hours you do," Caroline stated when she saw Kate entering the staff room.
"Oh god!" said Kate jolting. "...payback from yesterday?"
"Sorry..."
"I nearly propped all the notebooks. ...Anyway, you get wages for yours?", finally spotting the source of her distraction; Caroline, sitting on the couch.
"Umm... Nope," she grimaced.
"Well, fair enough for me," she dropped the pile on her spot and looked at Caroline, asking, "so, why are you here and scaring the crap out of your modern language teacher?"
"Actually, I have to talk with you..." stated the headmistress.
"Um... why did I do something... wrong?"
"No, no, oh god. No. ... I want... I need to talk to you... And I hope... the offer you gave me yesterday still stands?"
"Sure. Yes, of course. What's the matter?"
"Oh Jesus, where should I start?"
"How about the beginning of the misery?" Kate sat down next to Caroline, in an appropriate professional distance.
"The beginning?" the blonde sighed. "Okay, as you wish... 45 years ago..."
"Okay, maybe not at the beginning," laughter aroused.
"Yeah, well... I got dumped – top-notch, by John... my husband. He left me... and the boys... and the house... to be with this... 'Judith'..." she said annoyed and dropped her head into her propped up hands.
"What? Is he stupid? ... Sorry... I'm so sorry Caroline," she moved over, next to her and gently stroked over her shoulder blade on the other side.
"I'm so disappointed in him, I've worked so hard to make it work... for our boys..."
"When did this happen?" asked Kate.
"Oh gosh, mister-bloody-perfect-timing left me just before Christmas... he wanted to spend the holidays with her," she gulped back a sob, "but the worst thing was, when I tried to make dinner for the boys and my mum. I put the turkey in the oven then realised I hadn't taken the giblets out. ...They were in a plastic bag somewhere. I had to take out the turkey, take out the stuffing and shove my hand up... its bottom. ...I felt like such a failure. ...I was in tears."
Kate tightened the grip around her, now with both arms to soothe her, "oh god, Caroline..."
The stereo was still playing and another tune came up, Kate hat to smirk when she realised which one it was... and she was amazed, that the shuffle mode just picked the right one – 'Vom selben Stern' by 'Ich und Ich'. She started to softly sing along with the tune – in German, trying to calm down her boss, who was still sobbing into her shoulder.
'Steh auf, zieh dich an
Jetzt sind andere Geister dran.
Ich nehm den Schmerz von dir
Fenster auf, Musik ganz laut.
Das letzte Eis ist aufgetaut.
Ich nehm den Schmerz von dir,...'
Kate could feel Caroline calm down.
'...Du bist vom selben Stern.
Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hör´n.
Du bist vom selben Stern, wie ich...'
Caroline broke the embrace and looked at her, "Oh god, did you just sang to me in German?"
"Yes, and I would still do, if you hadn't interrupted me...", said Kate with a shy smile.
She smirked and asked, "What does it mean?"
"Um... a lot of stuff, some say it's about drugs, but I prefer the other interpretation."
"...And that would be?"
"Like the words say... 'We are all made of stardust... ... not broken... I take all your pain...', stuff like that."
"Blimey! ... That song fits like a glove," she sobbed once more.
Kate smirked, "...also the other parts? Like,
'all the ice has meltet…
we are complete...
our eyes are warm sparkling…
You are my lucky star...
I can hear your heartbeat…
Flying over Berlin...'?"
The blonde narrowed her eyes, "Is this a love tune?", and laughed, "... Sneaky... Ms McKenzie... calming me down with a love song," and nudged her with the elbow.
"Well, did it work?" asked Kate with raised eyebrows.
"Yes actually, a lot. Thank you," she said with a bright smile and stood up, "...but I think I've to go now, the boys are waiting at home."
Kate stood up too, looking into the slightly red but still crystal blue eyes and said, "Oh, yeah sure. ...Feel free to come to me, any time you want."
Caroline, surprised by herself, suddenly hugged her, "Thank you... for being a ... friend to me," and kissed her on the cheek just before she broke the embrace and left towards the door.
"Anytime!", sighed Kate, wrapping one arm around her chest, propping up the other and touching the spot where Caroline just kissed her cheek with her fingers, "Night!"
Caroline turned around, the open door in hand and said with a huge smile "Good night!"
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Nota bene:
Ok, just in case if you wonder how I came up with the turkey story. I admit it, I shamelessly stole it – from the goddess herself.
"... I put the turkey in the oven then realised I hadn't taken the giblets out. They were in a plastic bag somewhere. I had to take out the turkey, take out the stuffing and shove my hand up its bottom. I felt like such a failure. I was in tears. ..." – Sarah Lancashire
- Sorry Ms Lancashire, but it was just too good, not to be used :-) (still want to send her a cyber hug tho...
...but if you want to cyber-slap me for this, please feel free to write a review ;-) *yeah-I-know-nice-try-but-a-girl-can-dream*
Anyway, I literally can hear Caroline, shouting, 'There is a plastic bag in the pocket, if somebody chooses to look for it properly.'