A/N: I own nothing of Twilight.
The waves crashed violently against the jagged rocks below. The air was cold and the wind assaulted my body, hitting it from all directions. The sky was an ominous gray and as usual it was raining. It was the perfect day to die. I had never really thought about killing myself. Though looking back on it now, maybe I always knew it would be the easiest way out of this hellhole. I found myself coming to this spot on the cliffs more frequently lately, steadily admiring the sharp edges of the rocks below. When I first started coming out here, it was to sit and think about the pile of shit my life had become and how it couldn't get any worse. I had been wrong every time. Glancing down at the pointed slabs below, I wondered how quickly they would take my life. Would it hurt for long?
Thoughts of my mother and Seth usually made me shake my head and turn around. I always argued that they needed me. It would destroy them if I did something so horrendous. Today was different though. Today, I stopped and took notice of the people around me and realized they did not need me. No one did. I did not matter to anyone. I was just another useless body inhabiting the Earth. Seth was no longer the baby brother I had to watch out for. He had his pack brothers, including Jacob, who he looked up to so much. They would watch his back. He didn't need an overbearing emotionally damaged sister. Mom didn't need me either. She and Charlie Swan had their thing going on and it made me sick. How could she move on so quickly after my father was gone? It made me wonder how much she had truly loved him. Had she always secretly pined for Charlie?
To be honest, no matter how messed up that situation was, that is not what brought me out to the cliff of death today. My cousin Emily asked me to be in her wedding. Any other cousin would be ecstatic and honored about being asked to be in a wedding. Not me. Not when she is marrying the man I was in love with. The man fate decided to maliciously snatch from me and give to her, all with one look. Sam and the rest of the pack call it imprinting. I call it bullshit. Before I knew about werewolves and vampires I was happy, ignorant to the world around me and in love with the greatest man, right after my father, in the world. We were a perfect match, or at least I thought. One day he disappeared and was missing for weeks. Sick with worry, I cried every night because I had no clue what had happened to him. I was so scared he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. When he finally resurfaced he was a totally different man. Stoic and unemotional, he would barely even look at me. But I still loved him and was determined we were going to work it out. Until Emily came. Emily came to visit and launched my life into the first phase of hell.
After Sam was gone, a part of me was dead. Numb to any emotion involving affection. But I still had my family. I still had the people that loved me and that kept me going. Then fate, being the cruel hateful bitch she was took my father from me. The only man I knew that would love me unconditionally and forever. The man who would never leave me for my cousin and say it was some cosmic crap. The man who threatened to knock Sam around even though he knew what was going on with him. My daddy. One day he was there loving me and telling me I was the prettiest girl in the world, and the next day he was gone. Seized from my life just as quickly as Sam was. But I will never see him again, never hug him goodnight or blush profusely when he goes on about how I will always be his little girl. Never watch in awe as he proudly cleaned his catch of the day. Now, I get to look at a slab of stone that has the day of his birth and the day of his death engraved on it, painfully reminding me that he is gone. When I go to his grave to talk to him, I usually end the conversation by weeping on his stone asking him why he had to leave me alone. I beg him to come back. I tell him how much I need him; even though I know it is useless.
Not only did I suffer the loss of my father, but I was shoved into a world that I had no idea existed. Thrust into a nightmare that I wished I could wake up from. Somehow I fell asleep and followed the yellow brick road to a messed up Oz. Only, I didn't have any ruby slippers to send me back home. Back to my normal, gloriously ignorant life. I turned into a dog. A gigantic wolf to be exact. Much to my horror, Sam is a wolf too. The leader of my pack. I have to answer to him. Appear at his and Emily's humble abode for meetings and anything else pack related. After spending months of avoiding him and trying to bury the feelings I had for him I was now forced to see him everyday. And to top it off, I can hear his thoughts. I can hear the way he thinks of Emily constantly wondering if she is okay. I can feel what he feels for Emily--loving her so unconditionally. She is the center of his world, the world I used to inhabit. The world I was once lovingly welcomed in. Now I was pushed into his world and he back into mine. He tries concealing his thoughts from me. Being oh so considerate of my feelings. But I still get the glimpses; the emotions. And every one of them pierces my soul. Every one of them makes my heart break over again. They make me despise him even more. Emily as well.
On some level of mythical bullshit it was wrong to hate them, because "it was not their fault". Whatever. I understand Sam being able to blame it on imprinting, but Emily never had to respond. Emily had once been my best friend, my sister really. She knew how worried I was when Sam left and how much I was in love with him. Then, with one glimpse and some crappy excuse about love at first sight and a "We hope you understand Leah", she took him from me. She could have said no, she could have told Sam it was wrong because she knew it would hurt me. I didn't care if it sounded selfish.
Now, she had the audacity to ask me to be in her wedding? I wanted to tell her just where she could shove that frilly ugly purple bridesmaid dress. Jake and the rest of the pack had lectured me about not being "into the wedding". I played my part and told them they could all kiss my ass. That's who I was, Leah the bitch. Literally. I had to be a bitch though in order to keep my sanity. I had to make everyone hate me because if I didn't they would give me the pitied looks I despised, the looks that threatened to break me with every glance. The "Oh poor, poor Leah" looks. I didn't need anyone feeling sorry for me; I knew I was dealt a crappy hand. So, to keep from getting them, I became an emotionless shrew hell bent on keeping drama in the pack and screwing up everyone else's' lives.
But, here I stood on my cliff. The real me, exposed only to the sound of the waves crashing and the feel of the icy rain on my skin. They would not judge me or mock me by feeling sorry for me. They would keep my pain a secret. They would not tell that no matter how hard I tried to conceal it, no matter what façade I wore, I was broken; mind, body, and soul. Laughing and smiling were foreign to me now. Joy was no longer an emotion I experienced. Hurt, resentment, hate, those were emotions I could relate to. The wind and rain blew my hair plastering it to my face. I didn't care about the rain. Rain was good. It hid the stream of tears falling down my cheeks. I hated crying. I had done enough of it to last me a lifetime. I hated feeling this empty black hole inside of me. I hated feeling expendable. I hated everything. There was no hope for the future. No hope for anything. Hope was a meaningless four letter word. The people I loved were taken away from me; my choices were snatched away from me. It was like life was giving me signs all along, trying to tell me something. Jump, Leah. End it all. This is your escape. However, I was suspicious of these little voices. Knowing fate and how much the bitch hated me, I would probably miss the rocks below and survive, ending up with one leg and half an arm.
Despite my suspicions, the urge to jump crawled up through my legs. A gust of wind hit me causing my balance to falter, making me lean over the edge. Excitement thrummed through my veins. My heart weighed heavily in my chest signaling that it was ready to stop beating; it was so ready to stop feeling. Everything was ready.
I thought of what my life would be like if I made the decision to turn away. Sam and Emily would get married and live happily ever after; that was inevitable. Seth would imprint and leave me. Mom would leave me for Charlie; she already had one foot out the door. I had no friends. I had no life. I existed in a world where I really wasn't needed. What was life with one less werewolf? All I did was make people hate me and fuck things up.
Sobbing, I curled my toes in my shoes bracing myself, readying my body for the jump into the depths below. Just one quick move and it would be done. One move and the pain would be gone and I would cease to be.
Just. One. Move.
Despite her attitude, I have always felt bad for Leah. I could only imagine what she was going through in the books. This is assuming a world without BD.
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