Empty existence
Love .Life .Meaning .Over . Always pained. So much pain. A hole in my chest. Can't breath. Too hard, even if it's not necessary. Hollow. Nothing inside. Empty. Ever since.
Ever since leaving her. Bella. Sweet Bella. Bella the love of my life, my existence, the reason I still live. And I left. I left her. How? How could I?
For her. For Bella. My life, my reason for existing may now be gone, but she'll at least have a normal life. Get married. Have kids. Die.
Even now, I growl at the thought of Bella dead. The thought of her, still, white, cold. To much, to much. Pain back. Explosive, destructive, despair. At least she still has her soul, unlike us cruel, cold, hard beings. I despise myself. Why must we exist?
Exist. Existence. The love of my existence. Her. Bella. Sweet Bella. Beautiful Bella. Human Bella. Kind Bella. Trusting, warm, friendly, innocent, perfect, virtuous, amazing, spectacular, unpredictable, rash, lovable, adorable, my Bella.
No! Not my Bella. Cannot be my Bella. To dangerous, I am- we are, my family- to dangerous. Endanger her, by simply living
My family. And Bella. Our- no my- family.
Bella in our front hallway, for her birthday party. I wince. Bella, standing in the front hall with Carlisle's arm draped over her shoulder. Bella, standing, hugging Esme . Bella, winked at by Emmett. Bella, always so polite to Rose, even though Rose ignores her. Bella, smiling timidly at Jasper, the first time they met. Bella, eyes wide, as Alice bounds forward to kiss her cheek. Bella, the first time I saw her in the cafeteria. The first time we talked. When I rescued her from the van, from the men in Port Angelas. Our first 'date' at the restaurant. Bella, accepting me, for who I am. Bella, murmuring my name in here sleep. Stroking my arm in the meadow. Stroking my face. Me holding her close. Her riding on my back. Our first kiss. Warmth. So much warmth. The night at her house. Her, telling me she loved me. Bella meeting my family. At the baseball game. Seeing her, broken and battered by James. Awake in the hospital. At the prom. Watching Romeo and Juliet. Our last kiss. In the forest.
The forest. Her face……. honestly believed…….. that I don't love her. Completely ridiculous…….. I left because I love her. More then my life, my family, my own existence. The forest………
" You… don't…. want me?" She asks, voice half strangled, surprisingly calm and pained at the same time. Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, Bella! Of course I want you. I love you. More then anything. More then anyone's ever loved anyone else. If we were truly leaving because we'd been in Forks to long, I'd have taken Bella with us whether she wanted or not.
" No." Blasphemy! Vicious lies! Don't believe them! Make me stay! Please!
" Well that changes things," she murmurs, voice calm, face impassive. Horror briefly flits across my face. I lock it away before she can see. A clean break. That's what's best. Maybe she'll move on… she can't see how much I- we- wanted to stay with her. Horror again. She thinks I don't want her. See it in her eyes. How could she believe those lies? Had I not told her I loved her enough? Did I-
Edward, please, stop, I'm begging you. To much emotion. Self- hatred, mourning, loss, misery, pain, so much pain. It's… it's to much. I can't control it. To much emotion. You…. Every one else, upset…. Rosalie… smug. Please, Edward, stop, to much, to much!
Jasper. " No" I snarl. I know he can hear " I will not stop. Bella…. I need her…. Can't be with her…." I stop talking. I can't continue. I'm curled in the fetal position. I've been like this ever since we left. Wetness slides down my cheek. What? Trap the moisture with my finger. Put it in my mouth. Salty. Tears! I… I cried. Not possible. Not natural. But since when is a vampire loving a human natural. Bella, Bella my sweet angel, truly brings out the human in me. The human man.
" Edward." Carlisle calls, " Edward, we're, as in to say, the whole family, are coming up."
" What do I care?" I snarl under my breath. The door opens. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper, pile into my room.
Esme takes one look at me, as does Alice, and they both race across the room to wrap there arms around me. But I want a different embrace. From some one else.
" Oh, Edward," Esme breathes. " Oh Edward, Edward, Edward, what have we done?"
" 'The right thing!" I roar, throwing her and Alice off me. I stand up and pace the room. " We left Bella for her, because I love her. It's the right thing… to do… it's best…." I stop again. I can't continue, anger bubbles up. How dare they try to make me feel better? Jasper tries to send waves of calm my way.
" How dare you?" I thunder. " How dare you?" I pick Jasper up and throw him through the door. He falls down the stair case. Alice lets out a little shriek and runs after him. Esme, concerned about one of her other sons, goes after them. Rosalie snickers.
" My, my, Edward, you do have a temper on you don't you? Do you really hate Bella so much you must take your anger out on others?"
I snap. I run towards her. Break her neck. Throw her after Jasper. Emmett flinches but doesn't chase after.
"Bro," He murmurs, placing a hand on my shoulder. " Calm down." I glare at him, " Alright, don't calm down," He says, raising his hands up in defense. I growl under my breath. " You really miss her don't you?" He breathes. I stare at him, pouring all of my pain into my glance. He winces. " Go back to her," He whispers. "Go back to Bella."
I shake my head. "I can't," I croak. " I have to stay away from her. I'm dangerous."
He sighs, and walks out to check on Rosalie. Only Carlisle left.
"Edward," he says, " are you sure? I've never seen you in so much pain. Maybe we should go back apologize, maybe she'll forgive us."
I shake my head again. " No," I whisper, " No. We're to dangerous. We'll kill her. If not us then another like James. Because we drew them to her."
" Edward," Carlisle begins. " If you won't go back to her…. At least try to be happy. Do some thing, don't just stay in your room," He pleads. I start to respond. " It's what Bella would want." He adds.
I freeze. Didn't Bella tell me to keep on living if she died? While we watched 'Romeo and Juliet'? Would she want me to try to keep living now. Yes. I knew that. Bella, always trying to make sure others were happy even if it meant she would be miserable.
" Fine," I hiss, "Now get out!" Carlisle nods sadly and walks out swiftly.
Live, I think. Do something. For Bella. To much. I've said and thought her name to much. The hole is back. The hollow ache. The pain. Stop thinking of her. Doesn't help. Move dream like to the piano. Sit down. Play Esme's favourite.
Relaxing. The music flows through me. Knocks out all other thoughts. I remember when I played this for Bella. I smile slightly. The first in months.
Bella. The hole doesn't come back. The music is holding me together. Just. I revel in thinking of her without the pain. Her warm, deep, brown eyes, rich brown hair. Her petite stature, and shy nature. Her delicious smell, and delicate blush.
With a shock, I realize I've stopped playing Esme's favourite. I'm playing Bella's lullaby. I hear the sighs emanating throughout the house. They miss her . Every one. Even Rose. Even if only because Rose misses having someone to hate.
I let my thoughts drift back to Bella. Her biting her lip, smiling, crying, the feel of her lips. Kissing her. Bliss, sheer bliss. I'm suddenly pulled into a memory. Me on her bedroom rocking chair. Her, in my lap. She burry's her face in my chest. " I love you," she whispers. " You are my life now," I respond. A major understate- ment even now. Her voice, saying the words " I love you," to me, replays in my mind. I can't stand it any more. To much pain. I jump off the bench, knocking the piano over. I'm running down the stairs, an idea forming slowly in my mind. Even now I shall protect Bella. I shall hunt down Victoria.
" Where are you going?" Esme calls.
" Out." I answer gruffly. "I won't be back for a while." And with that I head out the front door.