THE PRIVATE FILES OF JACK O'NEILL
Things he never, ever wanted to tell you guys, but well…it slipped out.
STORY NUMBER ONE: LOKI, LOKI, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME NOW?
Before the infamous "Fragile Balance," where Jack O'Neill was cloned by the notorious Loki, there was another, highly guarded incident where, well, some shit happened.
"We were on a planet in the middle of nowhere, like far out from many of the world we've visited. Daniel and I teamed up and walked into this…cave area. Inside, we were beamed aboard this ship. Apparently Carter and Teal'c had the same thing happen because there they were, sprawled out on a metal table with wires coming out of them and everything. Well, I was knocked out from then on," Colonel Jack O'Neill told our reporters. When asked what happened when he came to, he grew silent. We asked for the case file for the mission, but it had been destroyed, so then we brought out our best private investigator, and after convincing her to dance for him, he told me about what happened on the planet.
"When we woke up, everything was messed up. Apparently, Loki thought it was an interesting business, what he did to us. He…switched our genitals with the opposite sex. He gave me a vagina! It was…the most miserable experience ever, particularly when I realized that Daniel was going through "his time of the month". God! He is such a bitch when he's pouring out of the mouth.
"Well, we contacted Thor after telling Hammond we were okay (which took him four hours, he told us later, because Daniel was sobbing after breaking a nail). Thor got Loki into this council meeting thingy and we were taken back to his lab, but the damage was done. Daniel was traumatized, but all four of us made a pact with each other: we tell no one, ever. Looks like you made me break the pact, you bastards, but hey, I was okay with it. It was interesting how it resembled some dreams I had when I was younger, before I knew what sex really was and I would…change roles in my dreams."
This report is not supported by Jack O'Neill, but we did drug him by accident [not really] and he told us everything. More secret files exist, but we're working on it. We'll get you the secret files soon enough, just wait.