The Horrible Case of the FANfiction Disney Crossovers
Chapter 1: WHAT?
Jim Hawkins grabbed a rope aboard the RLS Starcrosser, and leaned over the side, admiring the beautiful night sky.
"Wow, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." he whispered to himself, gazing at a shooting star.
"Mr. Hawkins, get back to the kitchen." Captain Amelia scolded.
"Yes bitch." Jim whispered.
"What was that?" she angrily snapped.
"Uh uh...uh...nothing." Jim mumbled.
"Yea. NOTHING! That's what I thought!" Captain Amelia moved only inches, when suddenly a random baboon flew right on to their ship. She screamed, and picked it up, throwing it off the deck.
"What the FUCK was that?" she yelled, as the entire crew stared blankly at her. Just then a moose flew a few feet in front of Jim's face.
"Save me, eh?" the moose leisurely said, as he floated away. Just then a frog flew on to Jim's head.
"You want to kiss me, baby? I'll turn into a prince." It seductively asked.
"EW NO!" Jim threw the frog off the deck. More and more random Disney characters began to appear and float by.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?" Captain Amelia screamed, and then decided to suicide and jump off the deck. Most of the crew followed. As Jim contemplated doing the same, a magical portal appeared. He didn't give much thought to as to where the portal might lead, but most decidedly jumped right into it, hoping to go somewhere safer.
"Under the sea, under the sea! Darling it's better down where it's wetter take it from me!" Sebastian sang. All the fish of the sea sang along as well, playing instruments and...other fish as instruments. Suddenly a bell rang, and the stage lights came on.
"NO NO NO! That's nowhere near as good as the first time in The Little Mermaid." Melody yelled at the cast.
"Well fack you, you dink dat da sequel will be as good as da first movie? You are sadly misdaken, girl." Sebastian crossed his claws.
"UGH! You know we're burning sea-light. My camera can't take much more of this, and my fins will probably disappear soon." Melody whined.
"Den you go ged a boy, all stories need a boy in id for id to be Disney." Sebastian stated.
"You're right Sebastian, I need to get a boy." Melody walked over to him and patted him on the head.
"CAUSE ALL HUMAN BOYS CAN HOLD THEIR BREATH DOWN HERE FOR HOURS!" she pounded his skull into a rock, which in turn made it bleed and practically kill him. She went back to her director's chair and slumped over.
"Where am I going to find a boy? It's not like he'll appear out of thin air." she sat for ten minutes, waiting for something to happen. Sebastian managed to get up.
"Whad da fack are you doing, girl?" he asked.
"DAMN IT!" she threw her director's megaphone down, "Whenever a Disney character says that, then it's SUPPOSED to HAPPEN!" she crossed her arms and pouted.
"Don't worry Melody, it's not like a giant pordal is going to come oud a nowhere and presend a boy do us." he gestured and smiled at thin air. Nothing happened.
"The Little Mermaid II is a hopeless case!" Melody pouted.
"Well, you could always go back up do de surface and ged married like Ariel wands."
"FUCK YOU!" Melody kicked Sebastian into a wall and twisted her foot around to add pain to his already damaged body. Suddenly a bright light appeared behind Melody. She turned around to come face to face with Jim. Their gaze only lasted for about a split second. Melody screamed, and swam behind a rock, peeking out from behind it. Jim tried to scream, but only bubbles came out, and he tried to make out where exactly he was. His eyes disbelievingly stared at Melody, a mermaid, and all the fish in the sea, staring at him. After a few seconds of disbelief, he began to feel a need for air, as he tried to distinguish which way was to the surface. Suddenly, Melody got an idea. She whistled, and a few tough-looking fish appeared at her side.
"This is the big prize we've all been waiting for! Capture him!" she commanded, and the fish obeyed. They grabbed Jim by the arms and held him in the ocean-air. He struggled but to no avail. He was about to just give up and die, when he saw a beautiful mermaid swim up to him. Her big green eyes stared into his, as she smiled, and played with his bangs.
I'm saved! He thought, but of course, he thought WRONG! Melody smashed her tail right up his crotch, creating such a horrid pain, that all the air in his lungs were thrust out. He fainted instantly. The tough-looking fish took him back down to "sea-level" and let him fall completely over.
"What now, Princess Melody?" one of the fish asked.
"Now, we're going to film the most epic scene of this movie. I will "accidentally" find this stranded sailor boy at the bottom of the sea, then save him, and then I will sing a lovely song, and disappear without a trace, leaving him love-struck. It's a genius plan! RIGHT Sebastian?" she kicked Sebastian upright.
"Y...y...yes ma'lady." he quivered.
"Alright. Lights! Camera! ACTION!" Melody called. A lonely light shone upon her, as the camera panned down to reveal Jim at the bottom of the sea.
"Oh no! A drowning sailor boy!" Melody gasped, putting her hands to her cheeks in disbelief. "I must take him to the surface before he dies!" she grabbed Jim's hand, and slowly began her trip to the surface. She made sure to make the most elegant of movements, as to further film her sexiness. When they finally arrived, she flipped her hair behind her, and winked at the camera. She then dragged Jim to the shore, and placed him face up.
"Ahhhuhhhahhhuhhaahhhuhhh." she lip synched to the recording of her mother, and lovingly tapped Jim's face. He didn't wake. She tapped his face. Nothing happened. She slapped his face, still singing. She then punched his face, still nothing.
"CUT!" she yelled. Everyone stopped. Sebastian reluctantly, and slowly, crawled to Melody, pounding the shit out of his face.
"WHY WON'T HE WAKE UP?" she yelled.
"Um, me dinks dat you are fogetting dat he is a human and can'd breade under de wadda." Sebastian shyly suggested.
"Oh of course!" Melody began to press against his stomach, and sure enough, loads of water came out of his mouth. He began to cough.
"Alright guys get ready! Play the tape!" she commanded.
"Ahhuhhhahaahuhuhaaaaaahhaaa!" she lip synched. Jim's vision blurred, but he could make out the same mermaid face, and a beautiful voice. He felt as though he could fall asleep in an enchanted palace... Suddenly the tape stopped playing. The fish tried to restart it again, but to no avail. Melody panicked, and signaled to keep recording, and she started to sing.
"!" the fish face palmed themselves, Melody had to be the worst singer in all of England. Dolphins and whales began to float to the surface...dead. The cast cringed at the sound, but had to hold their ground. Jim's vision of fluffy clouds and beauty suddenly turned into nasty, vulgar creatures of the next nebula. His vision focused, on the mermaid girl, who seemed to be wiping out the entire ocean with her hell cursed ogre-cyclops singing voice. She stopped singing, and the ocean rejoiced. She gently touched his face.
"Goodbye my prince." she whispered, and was about to bend down for a kiss, when BAM. Jim punched her right in the center of her face. All of the cast gasped in horror, and Sebastian laughed, and then pretended to gasp in horror. When he removed his hand, her face had been completely indented except for her mouth (ex. Squidward face).
"FUCK YOU!" Jim yelled, jumping up, and intended to run away, until he felt a jolting pain shoot up his crotch. He crouched, cringed in pain, and bit his lip. He tried to hobble away, until he heard the mermaid screech a noise of a galactic war pig. She inched her way toward him and pulled him back by his bangs. He landed face up on the beach, and she sat on his chest and pulled his shirt up like a bully.
"YOU BASTARD! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" she screamed, pointing at the disgusting implosion he had created.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY EARS! AND MY BALLS!" Jim retorted. As they began to bicker and bitch at each other, Sebastian smiled, raised his eyebrows, and signaled for the fish to begin singing a certain song.
"Yes, you wand her, look ad her you know you do. It's possible she wand you doo, bud dere's someting aboud her." Sebastian began to sing. Melody and Jim started to cease their bickering, and confusedly listen to the music. Melody's face returned to normal.
"Sing wid me now, Sha-la-la-la-la my, oh, my, look ad da boy doo shy he ain'd gonna kiss de girl." Sebastian started to summon romantic flowers and such.
"Sebastian, what the fuck are you doing?" Melody asked Sebastian, who sat on a cat tail.
"Oh come on now, Melody! We both know you won'd ged laid fo years! Come on! I'm only drying do help, girl!" he sped away before she could slap him. Jim took this opportunity to sneak away quietly, when he was suddenly smashed in the head with a gun barrel, knocking him out. The music stopped, and everyone stared at the person who had done the deed, Ariel.
"Melody!" Ariel hugged her daughter, who transformed back into a human, "Are you hurt? DID THIS BOY TOUCH YOU?" she angrily asked.
"No mom, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm not quite sure how he happened to get under the sea though, he's not dressed like us." Melody assured Ariel.
"Fuckin' Americans...I mean...what? I can't make biased answers, I'm a woman." Ariel said.
"What should we do with...it?" Melody asked.
"Take him to that NASTY sea witch, Ursula, I'm sure she'll have fun with something of this nature." Ariel prickishly commanded, pointing to the sea.
"Mom...she's not..."
"UH UH UH! NO BACK TALKING! Now get to it!" Ariel snapped. Just like that, Melody transformed back into a mermaid, and dragged Jim's body into the ocean. Her film cast had to leave, due to Ariel's commanding.
Lucky for Jim, he had awoke halfway through their journey to Atlantica, and used a special futuristic pill to keep himself from drowning. He continued to pretend to be unconscious. When they finally arrived, Melody was greeted by King Triton, and explained to him why she dragged the "unconscious" Jim down here. Suddenly all of the water turned black, as Ursula appeared right next to Melody. Jim almost screamed, but kept his "unconscious" disposition.
"So...I see that you want to give me this body that you've found. What'll you trade for it? Would you like to have fins...permanently?" she sneered.
"Oh stop it grandma! You're embarrassing me." Melody laughed. Ursula laughed, and then hugged her.
"Who is this boy?" Ursula asked, pointing to Jim, then not waiting for an answer, "OH! He must be your boyfriend!" she chuckled.
"WHAT?" Melody blurted, Jim almost did the same if it wasn't for his brain.
"But my, what strange clothes he wears, it's like he's from the future. UGH! Nevermind, he could be your great great grandson, nasty!" Ursula ranted on. Melody sighed, then went to her grandfather.
"My mom said "take that body to the sea witch and have him destroyed!"" Melody reenacted.
"Oh, Ariel! She still doesn't accept me as her stepmother does she? Oh she was a rambunctious teen. I gave her legs, and no thanks from me!" Ursula went off.
"Alright Melody, let's kill him." King Triton put his trident to Jim's head. However, before he could blast him, Jim kicked himself off Melody, and started to swim for the surface. Melody angrily chased after him and grabbed his foot, pulling him back down. King Triton loaded up his trident again, however, before he could shoot, a giant portal appeared, and sucked both Jim and Melody up, before closing up in an instant.