Dear Regina
You know I watch you every day, don't you? I guess it has become sort of addicting. And I know I should stop. I know I need to, for it hurts too much. But I can't.
I think my favorite part of watching you is when you wake in the mornings. It's just a moment so filled with hope. Just the way the rays peek in through the curtains and shine down upon your gossamer ebony locks is just radiant. I love how your hair swishes back and forth, slapping your rosy pink cheeks, while you shake your head as you yawn. You still do that cute nose scrunch you always do in the mornings. It's something I will never tire of. And you always end up staying on your side although the space beside you is vacant. How typical of you. I think you do it on purpose. But I love it. I love you all the more for it.
And then there's that way you wake the children, using that soft, gentle voice only reserved for them. And me. I always love how it's so different from your normal speech that is your all-authoritative domineering way of talking that makes even me halt in my tracks. It's so different from that seductive, sensual drawl that you use for me, and only me. I remember. A single word out of those luscious lips, and I would be at your mercy. I liked that. I still like that a lot.
The children are so happy with you. You make them feel safe and warm. You've worked miracles through these hard times. You gave them hope. You've stayed so strong. You must know that I'm so proud of you for that. And you know I would tell you if I could.
You don't know what it's like here. And I'm glad you don't. I'm glad it was me and not you. It's weird, you know, being here but not really being here. I'm like an abstract concept of sorts, a distant and faded memory. I've no power. I can't speak or touch. All I can do is see and listen. But I have no body. But I'm not a spirit. It's hard to explain. I'm sort of stuck in this nothingness, this eternal middle, never fully there but never fully gone.
What Hades said confuses me greatly. I thought I'd be erased for good. I thought I'd cease to exist. Yet somehow there's a trace of me left. And it's something to hold on to. It gives me some hope; enough hope to know that maybe there is a way back to you.
But how will you know? I can't tell you. These words are but thoughts in my seemingly nonexistent mind.
I know you feel my presence. I can see it each time you abruptly whirl around to gaze with wide eyes at the empty space behind you. You think it is a mirage, that you are hallucinating. But no. No I'm here. I'm always here.
God how I hate it when you cry. The way the tears stream down your cheeks, creating little zigzagged paths of wetness against rosy pink. You ruin your eye makeup when you do that. It turns to one big smudged ring of darkness around those eyes that were so full of light and spirit. I don't like it when it turns your tears black. Those darkened smudges and streaks that stain your cheeks are unbearable. Why do you cry so much? Why do you cry by yourself? Someone should be comforting you. Me.
I should be there to hold you in my arms. You should be crying on my shoulder. My arms should be around your body, rocking you back and forth and back and forth, as you sob silently into my chest. I remember those nights well. You were so broken down then. And seeing you as always the strong woman you are, it's heart-breaking. But remember what I always told you? It's strength to cry too.
You're not weak. How could you think or say that about yourself? You're the strongest woman I know. Just look at all you've accomplished, the person you are today. I know it's a cliche thing to say, and that you've heard it over and over from the heroes. But it's true.
And don't blame yourself for what happened. It's not your fault. It's mine. And it was my choice, a choice that which I harbor no regrets. Just seeing you each day, alive and breathing, is all I can ask for. It's all I want. For you to live out your days, unburdened, in happiness with our children is enough for me.
And should you find another lover, another one to whom you'd be willing to fully give your heart just as you've done me, that is all right. May he be kind and loving to you, that he cherish your heart to the fullest, and remind you that love is beautiful, that love does not ache. May he do with you all of the things we've never done, may he show you the world, just as I would have had I gotten the chance. May he give you everything under the sun and treat you well.
Don't weep for me any more, my Regina. You deserve to be happy. Remember? There's always hope around every corner, even if you miss one. Continue to do good. Continue to keep love in your heart. Never give up hope. I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you. I miss you. And I'll see you again.