DISCLAIMER: This story might be upsetting to some. I don't own degrassi; if I did Cam wouldn't be dead.
Zig is right. Maya doesn't deserve a monster like me. I bolt home to call my mom, but when I call she doesn't pick up. I am all out of options now. Maya is flawless, and I'm just holding her back; I text her telling her I'm not coming anymore and that it's over. I hope that this doesn't hurt Maya; I don't ever want to hurt her, I just don't want to hurt any more either. Before I came to Degrassi all I thought about was hockey, it was all I had.
Now since I've had Maya I have realized how much I hate hockey, it takes too much time away from Maya and me. I just want to spend all of my time with her. I don't think I have any time any more. I stagger into my room and grab my hockey bag. Hockey has ruined my life, everyone pushes me to be my best, but I hate it. My dad won't let me come home, he's too proud of his big star to accept that it's killing me.
I go into the kitchen, and my billet mother is baking. I tell her that I'm going to spend the night with Dallas watching the Penguins play. She doesn't realize I've been crying, or she doesn't care. I don't think the Hiltons really care much about me; in fact I overheard my billet father saying taking me in was a mistake, and they couldn't afford all the protein I blow through.
I go into the medicine cabinet and grab some pretty serious pain pills. I'm getting rid of the monsters once and for all. I don't know where I will go or how I will do it, but this is the only way I can stop myself from feeling pain. I have so much pain in my heart.
I walk around aimlessly for a few hours. My phone starts ringing, and I almost answer it. I see it's from Maya. Probably wondering why I stood her up. She is better off without me. I find myself at the front steps of Degrassi. I can't do it here, not where Maya could find me.
I see the green house as the perfect place to go. Call two from Maya. I'm doing this for Maya. I'm making it all better for her. Zig's words play over and over in my mind. He called me a psycho and he's right, why does Maya like me? I'm a psycho. Call three from Maya. I open the pill bottle and take a few. I swallowed them without water, and they taste terrible.
I wait a little until the pills to kick in. I pull out my ice-skate and sit on the floor of the greenhouse. I tremble, this is it. I put the skate up to my wrist and think about Maya. I push the blade against my skin until it cuts through. It doesn't hurt very much. Call four from Maya. I click the picture app on my phone and look at the photos I have of Maya. I have been crying so much that I can taste salt.
I took a photo earlier of Maya sleeping, she looked so peaceful. She is truly an angel. I don't know if it's from the blood loss or from being high off of the pills, but I click to record myself. I want to record a message for Maya.
"I'm sorry, Maya." I start "I am so sorry for ever bothering you. You don't deserve a monster like me in your life. Zig was right; I am not stable enough for you. I just wanted to tell you one last time that I think you're beautiful, I think you're gorgeous Maya. You are worth more to me than anyone else." I start giggling, and I am trying to stop. "Sor-sorry hahahaha I'm sorry, Maya. You know what's so funny? I actually really hate hockey. I don't know why I played it. But without hockey I would have never met you. You can blame hockey for meeting someone like me." I take a breath. "Maya, I wanted you to know that I'm in love with you. Remember when I hurt my arm? It was for you. Everything I have done was for you."
Call five from Maya. I am starting to feel really dizzy. I didn't expect it to take this long. I look and notice that I accidentally threw Hoot in my hockey bag. "Hey Maya, I forgot I have Hoot with me still. I wish I had something like Hoot. I guess you were my Hoot. I'm really tired Maya.. I won't show you my wrists. I cut really deep though. It's pretty gross but a gentleman wouldn't show you something like that."
I am overcome with a bitter anger. "Don't date Zig. I may not be good for you, but neither is he. Don't let him fool you. You're worth more than you're settling for, Maya. I wish I could stay with you, but I have to leave Maya. Remember, I love you." I click stop recording. I debate whether I should send Maya the video or not, but I decide I shouldn't send it. It would just confuse Maya if I sent her something like that.
I grab my skate and put another slash in my wrist for Dallas. I have let the team down; another slash. My blood looks like the same crimson shade as my hockey uniform. Another slash for letting my father down, it will break his heart to find out his star won't join the NHL. Call six from Maya, another slash for Maya.
I can't get myself together enough to answer Maya's calls. I want to tell her I love her, but I don't have the strength. It would be selfish to answer Maya either way. All I ever wanted to do was be the best boyfriend for Maya. Call seven from Maya; she leaves a message on my voicemail. I don't know if I should listen or not. I'm starting to get a headache from thinking too much.
I grab the bottle and take more of the pills. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I can't. I won't let myself; it's just the monsters wanting me to hurt other people. I won't let myself hurt anyone ever again. I won't let anyone down anymore. I used to think that suicide was selfish but I'm doing everyone a favor.
I start to think about my mother's baking, my real mother. I can almost smell her brownies. I start to cry for my mom. I wish my mom could be here and save me. I'm so lonely and scared. I grab hoot and try to not get blood on him, I put him next to me. I feel like I'm falling asleep, but I know better, I'm dying. I cry harder. I don't want to die I think. I start to say it out loud over and over again, "I don't want to die!"
I think of Maya one last time..I try to grab my phone and call her, but I am too weak. Memories of everything we have done together floods to my mind. It's like a film in my head. It's getting harder to breath. I start to drift off to sleep. "I'm sorry, Maya."
Cam's suicide has upset me a lot and as much as I'd like to pretend he didn't really die and that it was an April fool's episode it wasn't. Cam's last few hours weren't explained in BSS, so I wanted to fill it in.
Updated 2-27-13
If you ever feel suicidal please call one of these numbers.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (US)
1-800-448-1833 (CANADA)
1300 651 251 (AUSTRALIA)
0800 1111 (UK)
There are people willing to talk to you and help you.