Harry Potter Crack!Fic of Doom
By: PhoenixJustice
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, J.K Rowling does. I only own this Cracktastic! story.
Warning: T for language, slash, het, some incest and overall crack!fic, etc
Pairings: (this chapter) Snarry, Molly/Arthur, Gellert/Albus, Ron/Hermione, Fred/George, Bill/Charlie, mentions of others
Setting: Does this look like it belongs in one of them? lol Spoilers for all books.
Summary: CAPSLOCK!HARRY IS ANGRY! CAPSLOCK!HARRY SMASH!
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CAPSLOCK!HARRY IS ANGRY! CAPSLOCK!HARRY SMASH!
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: YOU KILLED MY SEXY GODFATHER, I KEEL YOU DEAD BELLABITCH! AVADA KTHNX
Bellatrix: Oh, shi-- diez
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: STALKS PETER PETTIGREW IT'S YOUR FAULT MY PARENTS DIED! I KEEL YOU DEAD, PETER 'I'M A PUSSY' PETTIGREW!! AVADA KTHNX
Pussygrew: Dam--diez
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD DAMNIT! IT'S YOUR FAULT, SEVERUS SNAPE!!
Severus 'Too sexy for his own good' Snape: I did it FOR Dumbledore! throws a pensieve at Harry Look in here!
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: gets hit in the head by the pensieve XX
Sexy Severus: Son of a bit--
Five minutes later...
Sexy Severus: --ch. Wow, that took a rather long time to say. helps Harry up Sorry about that.
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: YOU TOLD ME YOU'RE SORRY?
Sexy Severus: O.O
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: DAMN IT FUCKING ALL! I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU, SON OF A BITCH! LOOKS IN PENSIEVE OKAY, SO YOUR TALKING TO DUMBLEDORE, DAMNED OLD COOT. I MISS HIM! ...WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!...BLINKS RAPIDLY A FEW TIMES ER, I'LL BE DAMNED. SO YOU DAYDREAM ABOUT ME LIKE I DO YOU!
CAPSLOCK!SNARRY FANGIRLS: OMGWTFBBQ! 3333333333333333
Sexy Severus and CAPSLOCK!HARRY: O.O
Pensieve Dumbledore: peers out of pensieve, smoking a long pipe Damn and I thought I was out there. Maybe I'm just seeing stuff from all the drugs I did, Gellert was a influence in many ways...
CAPSLOCK!SNARRY FANGIRLS TURN INTO CAPSLOCK!GELLERT/ALBUS FANGIRLS: OMGWTFBBQ! 333333
Sexy Severus, CAPSLOCK!HARRY, Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore: O.O
Sexy Severus: So you believe me now, Harry who can't stop CAPSLOCK!ing?
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: YES I DO! AND I WOULDN'T KEEP CAPSLOCK!ING BUT THE CAPSLOCK! BUTTON IS STUCK!! hexes his computer which blows up X.x
Sexy Severus: transforms Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore's pipe into a new computer for CAPSLOCK!HARRY Here, use this. He needs to lay off the drugs anyway.
Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore: Hey! You're harshing my buzz! munches on some Chocolate Frogs
Ron 'I'm rather oblivious and I use bloody hell and bloody brilliant and other catchphrases so much they become old' Weasley: walks in What the hell is going on here! cowers as he suddenly gets overshadowed by the Authoress Of Doom
Authoress Of Doom: booming voice YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO ARGUE RONALD 'I need a new catchphrase besides bloody hell or bloody brilliant' WEASLEY!
Old Catchphrase Ron: O.o Hermione?
Hermione 'is the definition of bookworm and then some' Granger: walks in with 10 bags of books over her shoulder, dragging on the ground No! Uh...a little help here! squeaks as Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore transfigures 9 of the bags into a new pipe and 8 bags of food
Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore: It's good to be groovy. XD
Bookworm Hermione: I think I read about something like this once. P
Sexy Severus: Let me guess, Miss Bookworm. Hogwarts, A History?
Bookworm Hermione: Actually, no, Professor. Though since I'm the only person who has ever read it I can tell you that Godric and Salazar were more than just friends and rivals! XD
Old Catchphrase Ron turns into Oblivious As Usual Ron: Huh? What'd you mean, 'Mione?
CAPSLOCK!HARRY: 'MIONE? ISN'T THAT A LITTLE TOO FANONISH? SOME FANS MIGHT TAKE OFFENSE!
Everyone but the Emotionally Charged Harry: O.O
Authoress Of Doom: Well, some people thought the nickname 'Sev' was silly (though I never did) but it turns out that it is CANON! HA HA!
Emotionally Charged Harry: Hey! I'm free of the crippling CAPSLOCK! ...I still feel like I need to Avada KThnx someone...
Everyone is suddenly in the Headmaster's office in Hogwarts: back away
Books, Instruments, Chair, Desk, Perch, Cage, Fawkes: back away
Emotionally Charged Harry changes to Hormonally Charged Harry: I need someone now!
Ginny 'I'm a one-sided character and I offer nothing at all to Harry whatsoever, yet I somehow manage to get in his good graces and be with him when all along he has the hots for Severus Snape who at least can understand where Harry is coming from and doesn't get around as much as me and I only see Harry as the boy-who-lived and not as Harry, yet I somehow get him in the end and am apart of a stupid Epilogue other than Albus Severus, Scorpius, Draco and his mystery wife, Ron, Hermione, Hugo, Rose and pretty much everyone BUT me' Weasley: I'll be with you Harry! drags a photographer over Here! Take a picture of my and Harry's love!
Hormonally Charged Harry becomes CAPSLOCK!HARRY for this one thing: AVADA KTHNX!
Useless Ginny: DIEZ
Everyone: YAY!
Tom 'Just call me Voldie' Riddle: Good, she was getting on my nerves, prattling on like that. You should have just let me taken her over completely in your second year, things would have been better. Slashier.
Authoress Of Doom: I DO like Harry/Tom, even if I hate Harry/Voldemort...
Voldie: It's the scaly thing and the eyes I think.
Hormonal Harry: And the bald thing.
Oblivious Ron changes to One Word Answer Ron: Nose.
Bookworm Hermione turns to Fangirl Hermione: What he said. If you just looked like you did before, I'm sure you could get Harry to submit that way...mmm...
Authoress Of Doom: Mmm...
Authoress Of Doom and Fangirl Hermione: Mmm...
One Word Answer Ron: Eww.
Fred 'I'm too awesome to die, plus who would George be with otherwise' Weasley and George 'No one completes me like Fred does' Weasley: Love is love, brother! You didn't seem to be complaining that one time in your Fifth year when we were on holiday and you caught us and we let you join in!
One Word Answer Ron turns to Slashy Ron: Oh, yeah...
Authoress of Doom: Fred/Ron/George? WTF? Well, I DID read a Fred/Percy/George a long time ago...
Fangirl Hermione: Not to mention the Ron/Ginny you read before.
Authoress of Doom: I nearly forgot about that. blush Well, it's about the only way I can stand her in a pairing.
Sexy Severus: grabs Harry and snogs him She's not getting my obnoxious brat!
Hormonal Harry becomes Slashy Harry: Mmm...greasy bastard...
Voldie: That's sexy. Too bad this authoress is too much of a chicken to try out some darker fic that includes Harry/Voldemort, Voldemort/Lucius, Voldemort/Snape, etc.
Authoress of Doom: I'm not scared! I'll go find some and read it! You just watch! stalks off
Hippie/Pensieve Dumbledore: finishes munching If this gets anymore sexy and slashy, I'm going to need a smoke.
Gellert 'Albus is MINE and this is CANON because J.K confirmed Albus is GAY, woohoo!' Grindewald: And you thought I was an old man...grin XD
Fangirl Hermione: O.o Oh, no. That grin is as potent as H.R.G's from Heroes!
Slashy Gred and Forge: No crossovers right now! go back to snogging
Molly 'All my sons are so slashable and my daughter is rather useless, though I wanted Harry as a son in law SOOO badly, maybe I should adopt Snape so Harry could marry him and be my son in law OMGWTFBBQ! What is going on here?! points to Fred and George snogging, Ron and Hermione snogging, Gellert and Albus snogging and Snape and Harry snogging
Sexy Severus: Oh, do shut up 'Mollywobbles'. snicker
Slashy Ron: rofl
Charlie 'I like dragons and they like me, even though they torch me!' Weasley and Bill 'I've got the hots for Charlie, but Fleur'll do in a tight situation, no pun intended, though they look NOTHING alike Weasley: Hey! It's not like you haven't caught us snogging on many occasions!
Mollywobbles: ...Oh yeah. XD
Arthur 'I love everything to do with Muggles with a passion that is hotter than the sun' Weasley: Mollywobbles, I wuv u.
Mollywobbles: squeaky voice I wuv u too, Artie-kins.
Voldie: O.o And I thought I had issues...
Fangirl Hermione: Good thing Dumbledore and Grindewald have been young this whole time. I don't want to see no shriveled up--
Slashy Harry: Sorry, you've used up the last of our time. Till the next exciting installment of; 'What the fuck is this shit that is getting written, though it is late so I'm using that as my excuse!!' Later!
Sexy Severus becomes Pimp Sev: Buckachikawawa. Till next time my bitches! waves around a pimp cane
Caneless Lucius: in the background HEY! WHO STOLE MY PIMP CANE?! .
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A/N: O.O ...Okay...don't ask me where this came from because I have no damned idea. XP I was bored and just started typing and this came out, lol. Hope you liked. And because this is so cracktastical (my word damnit!!) I can include pretty much anything I want. I'll probably add a few more chapters to this crazy thing, simply for my own amusement if for anything. D
I just watched a repeat of Talkshow with Spike Feresten and it had Thomas Decker (who played Zack on Heroes) on it actually looks pretty good. XD I didn't used to think he did, then I watched him on there and I realized; 'Hey, he's CUTE.' XD
Till next time!
--PhoenixJustice