Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight. Stephenie Meyer created everything.

This story gets much more intense within four chapters, so please review and keep reading.

It's already in my mind

I'm in over my head inside

And it's already in my mind

Inside

Inside

Already In

- Jon McLaughlin

*~*~*~*~*~*

RENESMEE CULLEN

"There it is. Out of the five bears we've seen, this is by far the biggest." I whispered in Jake's ear.

We were standing in the forests of Maine, about five miles from my family's new home. Jake had phased to go hunting with me, and we soon found that the wildlife here was nothing like in Forks. We just couldn't stay in Forks forever, that's what I kept telling myself. We'd been here for three months, and tomorrow we were going to visit Charlie and Billy. Now that we'd settled into our home, we'd probably be down there visiting every weekend, but it still wasn't the same. Our beautiful cottage had been left there in the woods of Forks, still fully furnished and holding all of our old clothes. Alice had insisted that we had to leave everything behind to get the "full affect" of the move. She also said I had to wear a short silk dress to Sam and Emily's wedding. Look what that got me. Dad scared the heck out of Claire's older brother. Jake looked like he was about to have a panic attack when Emily's brother started hitting on me. Alice is so insane.

Jake let out a wolfy chuckle, and I realized that my hand was still on his shoulder.

I yanked my hand off of his shoulder, startled. I hadn't known that he could hear that.

He rolled his eyes at that. It wasn't like I wasn't used to having people know my thoughts.

But was there a way that he couldn't sense the adoration and passion I felt when I thought his name? It had to be bothering him. He'd seen me grow up; he'd changed my diapers! There was no way that he could return my feelings. What would I do then? There was no way that I could simply move on with my life. At times I felt like I'd never have a partner, like Dad had Mom and Carlisle had Esme, I felt like the closest thing I'd ever have was Jake.

Yes, Jake had imprinted on me. At first, that knowledge had reassured me; given me hope. But soon after I overheard him talking with Seth about a girl, and all my hopes were crushed.

"It's killing me, Seth," I'd heard Jake say. "What if it never changes? I mean, she sees me as a friend now. What is the motivation to make her change her mind? I'm in so over my head, and she just…"

"Dude, I don't know much about girls, but if I know one thing, it's that they never do what you expect them to. Chill. She'll turn around eventually," Seth said in response.

Afterwards, I didn't hear anything about the girl again, he must've gotten over her, because he seemed perfectly happy these past couple months.

I, on the other hand, haven't, and having an uncle living in the same house as you who can sense emotions, and a dad who can read minds, really isn't helpful with the whole, "just keep it to yourself" thing.

"So, Jake, check this out," I said to Jake.

I walked out of the brush, purposely crunching the leaves and twigs on the forest floor to get the bear's attention. I acted tentative, as if the bear looked threatening to me. I glanced back at Jake, and he cocked his head to the side, one of his ears stuck up in the air like he was listening for something, and the other one hung limply. His eyes were wide open and his muzzle was twisted, his big wolf lips pressed together in a straight line. His brow was lifted, too. Altogether there were about ten conflicting emotions on his wolf face.

I bent over and clutched my side, gasping as I laughed.

My laughing echoed through the forest, frightening birds and causing small creatures to scatter. The bear, on the other hand, walked a few steps toward me.

"You should've seen your face," I said to Jake, chuckling as I turned away from him, and towards the good-sized black bear that was charging me.

These bears in Maine were quite small, and not as fun to hunt as the grizzlies back home, so I'd developed some tricks to make hunting them more fun. When I went hunting with Emmett, he almost died laughing. Of course, Emmett was the bear expert, so he also had a few suggestions. I had to admit, the small wildlife here really bugged me, but we tried to make the best of it. I was homesick for Forks, especially for Billy and Grandpa Charlie. I missed Sue a little too, which surprised me because we weren't very close. Grandpa Charlie and Sue had gotten married about a year after I was born. They didn't have a ceremony or anything, one day when Mom, Aunt Alice, Jake, and I went to visit him, and he nonchalantly said, fifteen minutes into our visit, that he and Sue had gotten married.

I never saw Grandma Renee; I only knew what she looked like from pictures from when Mom was human. I knew Bella missed her terribly, whenever her name was brought up, she'd purse her lips and furrow her brow, almost like she were trying not to shed tears that wouldn't come. I felt terrible for her, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be separated from my mother for that long.

Of course, Mom wouldn't change it for the world. She'd repeated to me over and over how lucky she was to have such a great family, and to be able to spend eternity with them, but she had to admit, she missed her mother a lot.

I was snapped back to reality by something that felt like a hand softly running across my chest. I glanced up and realized that the bear was swiping at me viciously, making gaping holes in the jacket I had on.

I staggered back, pretending to be affected by the bear's blows, falling onto the ground and staring up at it with a fearful expression on my face.

The bear bent down to hit me again, observing that I wasn't dead yet. As the bear's neck came close to my face, I growled menacingly. The animal only had a chance to make a small confused sound before it's voice became gurgled and cut off, as I bit it's neck, sucking down the red liquid, quickly draining it's body.

I stood up, brushing the leaves off my back, and wiped the small drop of blood off my chin.

I turned to Jake, smiling happily.

"I love it when dinner's delivered." I cracked the lame joke, before asking, "What do you want to do now?"

Jake held out one huge paw, telling me to wait a minute. He took off further into the woods, and then I heard the familiar small puff of wind that indicated that he'd just phased back. I barely heard his footsteps as he walked back toward where I was standing, next to my drained bear carcass.

As soon as I saw him in human form, my depression returned full force. How could I ever get over him? He was so beautiful. His perfect face held so much innocence and love, no matter what mood he was in I could always find peace there. His smooth russet skin stretched over the perfect muscles of his chest and stomach. It hurt me how amazing he was. I used to call him "the prettiest boy on earth" when I was really little, but that didn't really seem to cover it now. His deep black eyes pierced into me, trying to figure out why I looked so tortured.

I wished I could talk to him, because when I talked to him about everything else, I felt better afterward. Jake was better at comforting than Jasper sometimes.

"Ness? Are you okay?" He asked worriedly. He put both of his hands on my face, making me look in his eyes.

I sighed. "I'm fine. Let's go home."

I was reluctant to suggest going home, because of how guarded I had to be there, but he was very observant, and I couldn't say no to him. He'd coax the truth out of me, and then be so upset he'd run away, and I'd rather be a little sad, than to be away from him. That would be the end of me.

He stared at me for a second longer, holding my face with his warm hands, and then dropped his hands from my face, trying to take one of my hands so we could run together.

I yanked my hand away from him, my eyes wide. I hadn't worked that hard to hide my thoughts from everyone to have it ruined by a stupid mistake on my part.

He looked away and I started running. He kept up with me, but I thought I saw a little bit of hurt in his eyes. We always ran hand in hand, and now all of a sudden, I refused to? I almost stopped, and took his hand in mine, but caught myself. I wasn't that good at controlling my thoughts with him.

"Sorry, Jake," I said as we approached the house. "I'd rather have my thoughts to myself today."

"'S'okay. I understand. You can talk to me anytime you want, you know."

Oh, how I wished that I could take him up on that.

"I'll be up in my room if you need me," I said, darting inside of the house.

I said hello to Mom, who was reasoning with Alice.

"Alice, do you really think designer clothes are the best choice for the wolves? I mean, you know their going to be tied to the ankle of a giant wolf. Exactly how long do you expect these things to last?"

I had already left the room when she said hello back to me, and a second later I was lying on my bed, with my ipod blasting Starlight by Muse into my ears.

I examined each aspect of the music meticulously, picturing each instrument's notes on sheet music, and what the sound waves might look like if I could see them in the air. I tried to figure out the meaning of the lyrics in my head, only to come to the conclusion that there wasn't a meaning.

I was almost to the end of the song, when Rosalie stepped into my room.

I ignored her for the most part, turning on another one of my favorite songs, but she reached over and yanked the headphones out of my ears, glaring at me with a determined look in her eyes.

"Okay Ness. Talk."

"What do you want me to talk about Rose?" I asked, trying to put a teasing smile on my face.

"Don't even try that. I can see right through it. I may be blonde, but, contrary to common belief, I am not a dumb blonde. Take that mutt," Rosalie muttered to herself.

"Calm down Rose. I'm fine."

"Don't start that with me! You have everyone worried sick. Spill."

"They're worried about me? I can't imagine why," I said, trying to act oblivious.

"Stop it! You tell me right now Renesmee." Rosalie was really glaring at me now, her fists clenched. I knew she wasn't mad at me, she was just concerned, but dang. Rose sure can look scary.

"Don't worry, Rose. I don't know why I'm like this. It's probably just a phase I'm going through right now. I'll get over it."

"Nice try." Darn it! "But I still know you aren't telling me. What happened to you? Did the mutt do something? That's it isn't it? Oh I swear I'm going to…"

"No Rose!" I cut her off. I had to defend Jake now, so I had to reveal a bit of the truth. "Jake hasn't done anything…" No he hasn't. I thought to myself. But I really wish he would. "And that's part of the problem. I am not going to say any more. Please, if you care about me, don't make me tell you any more. I'm fine; I'll get over it, end of story. You can go now."

Rosalie's angry expression was now gone, and the new expression was one of utter concern. It hurt me to see how worried I was making her. I'd thought that I'd been pulling off acting remotely normal lately, but apparently I hadn't fooled any of them.

I sighed, and said just loud enough so mom could hear it where she was standing in the other room, "Will you cover me?"

"Sure honey," she said from Alice's room. She seemed to know that I needed to be alone right now, and for that I was grateful.

I'd never gotten people who wrote "Dear Diary" in their journal entries, and I much preferred to write mine as a letter. When I'd heard the name mom had if I had been a boy, it stuck.

Although some just wrote to write, I preferred to write notes to my imaginary friend.

I took out my worn notebook, and flipped open to the next available page.

"Dear E.J."

"The problem I told you about earlier with Jacob isn't getting any better. It seems like my behavior is bothering him though. In fact, the entire family saw through my attempts at fake happiness. I guess I'll just have to try harder."

"Well, I would, if that was possible."

"Today when I was talking to Rose, she made me realize what part of my problem with Jake is. He isn't doing anything. He can see I'm depressed; yet he won't push for me to tell him what's the matter. I know that it wouldn't make a difference, I still wouldn't tell him, but at least I would see that he cares that much."

"And yes, my wretched palms are still bugging me. I hadn't realized how much Jake and I hold hands until now. I'm constantly slipping up, showing him things that I don't want him to see."

"And you would think that my depression would get lighter with time, that I'd grow stronger because of it, but I am worse than ever before, and weaker, too."

"I guess I'm just going to have to get used to it if I want Jake to stick around."

"Opportunity cost."

"Till tomorrow,"

"Ness"

I sighed, as I closed my notebook, falling deeply asleep.