I sat shivering as the truth sank in slowly. What had I done? I wondered why I had let him inside me. My skin crawled everywhere he had touched. The aches in my wrist were he had held on to tight. I was screaming on the inside but nothing was coming out. I wanted to crawl out of my body so I didn't feel so dirty. I hated myself for letting him do that. It was then that I knew everything done wrong was my fault. I wasn't perfect and I had disappointed my parents once again. My mouth hurt were he kissed me hard, tasting tears that wet my face. I had to swallow back the sickness that was held in my throat. I had to forget this ever happened. I had to be brave so no one would know I had screwed up. I just didn't get what part of no he didn't understand. Where was I when the word no changed to yes? I dried off my tears and stood on shaky legs walking a different way then he had left. Back at the camper I felt guilty. I couldn't look at my dad, wondering if he knew how horrible I really was. My thoughts were scrambled as I fell asleep. The night was long for I could feel his presence next to me like a thousand bricks weighing my chest down, suffocating me. Of course I knew he wasn't really there but the feeling he left inside of me was sickening. It's was as if when he pulled out he left out a piece of him inside of me; a monster tearing me apart. The thing I hate about myself is that it didn't hurt, I wanted it to hurt because I never wanted it. I'm a freak because it didn't hurt. Does everyone look at me different, does it show that I ****** up. I needed to get out as the memory kept coming back. I kept my eyes closed the whole way home so no one would ask me questions. At school I kept my distance and my head down. Just keep quite and no one will know the dirty things you did this weekend I thought. Every time someone got close I freaked out; my breathing getting faster, hugging myself closer I tried not to show how I felt. I didn't talk or let anyone hug me for 2 weeks. When I tried to eat I felt like I was going to get sick, I forced it down anyway throwing it all up afterwords. Trying to fool my parents, I was sure they knew what I had done and was sure they looked at me with hatred. I couldn't sleep for those 2 weeks always waking in a cold sweet thinking he was in my room waiting for me, ready for me to make the same mistake. Worst of all I knew Jesus hated me, I had sinned. Sleeping with someone before your married is bad. I am a lost cause now I'm going to hell. Every time I think back to that night I hate myself more, why do I not think. All it would take is one cut to the wrist and one cut to the throat and all the memories would fade away. I just want the pain to go away, and I want to stop hurting and disappointing people.