"Do you even need my help with anything today?"
The question shook You from her absentminded scribbles. She set her sketchbook down and glanced around the clubroom, only finding Kanan sitting in front of her. The entire meeting seemed to have passed her by, and looking down at her crudely drawn outfit designs, she must have lost any semblance of focus as soon as she sat down.
"Where did everyone else go?" You asked, looking up at Kanan.
Kanan sighed. "You missed the whole meeting, didn't you?"
You scratched the back of her head and shrugged, eyes wandering back down to the table. She was having more trouble focusing recently, but Kanan didn't need to know something like that. It wasn't all that well kept of a secret anyway.
"Dia wanted to split everyone into groups today. She said something about making our work and practices more efficient," Kanan said. "Everyone else is working on different things for our next live. I was supposed to help you with the outfit designs since we've already finished the choreography, but you've been out of it for the past ten minutes."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I spaced out a little bit." You chuckled and took another quick peek around the room, trying not to make too much of Kanan's disinterest. "Where did Chika go?" She asked without thinking.
"She went with Riko and Hanamaru to work on lyrics for the song." Kanna quirked an eyebrow and stared.
"Oh, well that makes sense I guess." You's voice was smaller than she wanted. Hiding behind false bravado with Kanan never worked, she always had a way of seeing through it.
You knew she messed up, Kanan knew her too well not to notice. She tried picking up her pencil to get back to the drafts that were tossed aside earlier, but her fingers couldn't move and her thoughts wouldn't cooperate. Her palms started sweating as Kanan kept up the knowing and invasive look. Mentioning Chika when alone with Kanan was something You always knew to be a death sentence of uncomfortable talks she never wanted to revisit.
"So you really don't have any ideas?" Kanan asked.
You tapped the pencil to paper, she couldn't look up. "I've been in some kind of a slump lately."
Kanan knocked her knuckles against the table, still staring. "Do I even have to ask what the problem is, or is it what I'm already thinking."
"I don't know what you mean."
It was a boldfaced lie, and You knew better than to test Kanan with it. Years of this same conversation played over and over in her head. Each time she would deny until Kanan pressed, and it seemed this time would be no different. They were always the only times that You's emotional immaturity would be on full display.
"This is about Chika again, Isn't it?" Kanan asked, but the question was more of a statement than anything.
You shirked back as if having been physically struck. Her throat tightened, deciding it best to stay quiet.
Kanan sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "How many times have we had this talk, You?"
"A whole lot of times," You answered, her voices usual energy now nonexistent.
"Too many times," Kanan sharply corrected. "And what have I told you after every single one of our talks?"
"That I should tell Chika about how I feel about her." You surveyed the room as she said it, double checking that nobody else was around.
"Well, have you told her yet?"
"Of course I haven't. Do you think I'd be feeling like this if I had?" You asked, shoulder tensing as she looked up to Kanan.
Kanan continued to keep up her pointed look. "Then why don't you tell her? I hate seeing you sulking all the time. It's even starting to affect our club activities, too."
"I want to, but it's not as easy as you make it sound." You leaned back into her chair with a huff.
"All you have to do is say 'I like you Chika'. I could even help you write a letter or something if you need me to."
"That isn't the problem and you know it." You was getting just as frustrated as she always did, these talks had a way of following the same course each time. Even from years back in their shared childhood, it lead to a strange sort of tension.
"Then what is the problem?" Kanan asked, voice more forceful than before. "Because you're always trying to find an excuse not to tell her. Ever since you told me about it when we were in elementary school, it's always been something or someone that made you not want to confess."
You clenched her hand on top of the table, frustrated at how true everything always was with Kanan. "I can't tell her because it wouldn't do any good, and I don't want things to change between us. I know Chika's never thought of me as anything more than a friend."
"You always say that, but how do you even know that things would change?"
"Because I know Chika better than anyone else." You rose her voice louder than intended. Kanan went wide-eyed, You gave an apologetic look before continuing. "I just know, alright?"
Kanan rubbed her eyes. "You always do this, You."
"What does that mean?" You asked. She hadn't heard something like that from Kanan before, and the odd sense of frustration was new.
"Every single time you have a problem with Chika, you wait until she notices it and fixes it before you have to say anything. You've been like this ever since we've been friends, You, and I want to see you get over this."
"No I haven't, and I am not waiting for her to notice," You meekly said, she couldn't buy into her own hollow retort.
"Yes, you have always been like this." There was a weariness to Kanan's words that You wasn't sure she had heard before. "It works because Chika is really good at noticing stuff like that and fixing everyone's problems, but even she might miss some things. So if you do love her, you have to tell her yourself." Kanan shrugged and shook her head. "Chika might even start to get the wrong idea about this if you keep waiting and acting so weird."
You laced her fingers together and twiddled her thumbs, doing whatever she could to pull away from her thoughts. It was more truth than she had been prepared to take in. She kept her eyes down on her hands and couldn't find her voice.
"I'm probably not the best person to tell you this." Kanan chuckled, doing a bit to ease the tension. "But I do think you should tell Chika how you feel before she finds out herself, and you know she will if you keep waiting. Who knows what she'll think the problem is if she notices that you can't even draw new designs anymore."
You propped her arms on the table and buried her face in her hands. She wanted to cry at how close to home it hit but now wasn't the time. Had Kanan always been able to see through her so easily? It was comforting and scary at the same time, a bit frustrating too.
"How would I even tell her something like this?" You mumbled into her hands, eyes closed.
"There we go." Kanan smiled, eyes softening and expression more welcoming. "I think the best way to do it would be to tell her. Chika's pretty simple like that."
You kept her face buried, now trying to hide the growing blush. "You're probably right."
"Just stop being so scared," Kanan said. "What do you think Chika would do if she saw you worrying about something like this?"
You looked up from her hands, timid smile pulling at her lips. "She would make a big fuss about it, and try really hard to make me feel better. I wouldn't even have to tell her what's wrong because she would already know."
"I think you're right about that."
There was a moment of comfortable silence. Confessing was still an idea full of fears and trepidation that You knew she would struggle with, but at least now she might be able to do it. There was a strange sense of guilt spurring her on. Telling her to make up for all the years of being the one on the receiving end of understanding and consideration. Love was a big and intimidating idea, but You owed it to Chika to at least try and come forward with it on her own.
"Can you promise me you'll at least try and tell her?" Kanan said with nothing but warmth and encouragement.
"I'll try and do my best." You's smile and new confidence held strong.
You was nervous and finding it harder and harder to hide it. In the countless times that she had sat in Chika's room, never had she been so anxious to be alone with her friend. The built up confidence that Kanan helped with only a day before had all but faded. Only memories of their talk and a small amount of hope keeping her from breaking down.
She sat and watched in silence as Chika scribbled away at the lyrics in her worn notebook. Their bodies close as they sat on the same side of the table in the center of the room. You always did love to watch Chika when she was focused and determined. A rare sight as her lips contorted with every new idea and her face lit up at every new line. A side to Chika that You only got to see only every so often.
It was inviting and so beautiful, but You did her best to not dwell too hard on those distracting thoughts. They only continued to make it harder to focus. Harder to find the confidence that she was desperately in need of to be open.
A nudge at You's side forced her attention to Chika
"It doesn't look like you've got any drawings for our outfits," Chika said, setting her pen down. She peered over to You's open sketchbook, the pages blank outside of some rough doodles.
In one swift motion, You flipped the book closed and slid it off to the side. Cursing herself over her own carelessness. "I haven't had any good ideas lately."
"Is something wrong?" Chika's concern was clear in her voice and slight frown.
You rubbed her forehead. There wasn't much hope in avoiding it anymore, but she would still try. "It's just a little bit of a slump. I should be able to get over it in no time." She tried forcing a smile.
"Are you sure that's it?" Chika tilted her head, You looked away. "You've been a little weird lately when it's just the two of us. Like right now, you won't even look at me. I'm a little worried, you know? And if you can't think of any designs, it must be pretty bad."
It was the one thing You didn't want. Chika noticed. She couldn't look at Chika now, not trusting that she wouldn't blurt something out, or say something she didn't mean. The confidence from Kanan now replaced by unease, but she still wanted to be the one to say it. Chika deserved at least that much from her.
"Would you look at me at least." Chika grabbed You's cheeks, forcing her attention. You's eyes still couldn't meet Chika's. "What's wrong?"
You's cheeks flushed, mind going haywire as her face was forced only a few inches from Chika's. "I'm being honest, nothing's wrong Chika," You mumbled.
Chika released her hold on You. "Why do you keep lying to me?"
Chika's words hurt, and You's only defense was more hiding. "I'm not lying, honest."
"How long have I known you?" Chika released a long held sigh, a hand sliding down to You's offering a light squeeze. "We've been friends forever, so I know when something's wrong."
More silence and You couldn't find anything to say. Her heart trying to push toward a confession of years of pent up feelings, but the rest of her body wouldn't cooperate. She tried licking her lips, but her dry mouth made it tough, and the budding tears at the corners of her eyes began to blur her vision.
"I wish you would tell me things like this." Chika's thumb stroked the back of You's hand, her eyes wide. "Normally, I can find out what the problem is on my own, but I don't know what's wrong this time and it's frustrating. So please tell me, You."
You tried to swallow, her voice was strangled. "I don't know how to tell you."
Chika clenched at You's hand harder. You couldn't tell who it was for anymore.
"You can tell me whatever it is. I won't get mad at you, I promise." Chika sniffled and shook her head. "I'll always be your friend. So even if I did something that made you upset, you can tell me. I won't get mad, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better."
Chika was starting to blame herself, and You couldn't stand that she was the cause. It was what Kanan had warned could come from her irrational indecision, but hearing it firsthand was something else. You couldn't bring herself to look up, fearing that Chika's light sniffles were leading the way toward actual tears. She couldn't handle something like that now.
"You never did anything wrong, Chika. All this is my fault." You offered a reassuring squeeze of her own.
"Are you sure?"
"You could never do anything to make me that upset."
"Then what's wrong?" Chika asked, her voice quiet.
"It's hard to say," You started. It was her time to be open and honest. She looked up and was met with Chika's inviting smile, head tilted to the side. "I've been having these feelings that make it hard for me to focus."
"What kind of feelings?"
"Feelings for you, Chika."
You waited for some kind of reaction, but Chika's face was unreadable. It scared You. She prided herself in picking out the emotions of her closest friend, but in a moment where she laid all her feelings bare, she couldn't read anything from Chika.
Seconds went by, and they felt like an eternity. You turned her head away, fidgeting only inches from Chika. Everything had tumbled out.
"You have feelings… for me?" Chika spoke up, every word slow and deliberate. Hand still holding onto You's.
You could only nod.
"Romantic feelings?" Chika shifted to directly face You, another nod was her answer. "You mean like dating and kissing. Stuff like that?"
You covered her face with her free hand. "Yeah, I want to go on dates with you. Even k-kiss you."
"I didn't know."
There was a lull. You wanted to leave, not wanting to wait for an answer that she had long convinced herself would be no. She tried to pull her other hand away, but Chika only tightened her grip, lacing their fingers together even tighter. It meant she would have to face what she always imagined would be a gentle and heartfelt rejection.
"I'm not sure what to do? But I'm happy that you actually told me this" Chika broke the silence.
"You don't have to say yes or do anything." You wiped away a stray tear. "I understand if you reject me."
"That isn't what I meant." Chika waved a hand in front of her face. "I've never thought about it. I never thought you of all people would love somebody like me. It sounds kind of nice when I think about it."
You tentatively lifted her head, Chika smiled back at her. A genuine and heartfelt one that helped ease the grueling pain in her stomach. She could almost smile back.
"So you really do want to kiss me?" Chika mumbled, blushing. You nodded. "Can we try it?"
The words couldn't be processed in time to offer a well-reasoned answer. You said a quick and almost inaudible yes. Despite fears that this could all lead to bigger disappointment, You couldn't stop herself.
It happened in a mere instant. As soon as she noticed Chika leaning in, You screwed her eyes shut and her free hand squeezed her thighs. Their lips met for a moment, one You was sure to etch into her memory. It was nothing more than a quick peck, the feeling lasting no longer then it went, but it was everything You had dreamed it would be.
You slowly opened her eyes. Chika's blushing face was all the only thing she could see, cute and possibly all hers.
"W-Well?" You stammered, still in shock.
Chika tapped her lips. "I liked it. I liked it a lot."
"What does that mean?" It sounded so much like a yes. Like the sound of You's feelings being reciprocated, but she couldn't let it go unsaid. She wanted to, had to, hear it.
"I love you."
It was so simple, yet You had never once given it any consideration. Chika liked her back, and they even kissed. Even her own dreams about this moment hadn't been so sweet.
You let her tears fall free. "I never thought you'd ever say yes, even if I did find a way to tell you. I can't believe this."
"Hey, stop crying." Chika cupped You's cheek, wiping away the stray tears streaking down. "Isn't it supposed to be a happy moment when the girl you confess to says yes."
You smiled, shaking her head. "You're right. I'm so happy, I guess I started crying."
"This is why you should open up and tell me things yourself. It can lead to good things like this." Chika said, still rubbing You's cheek.
You chuckled. "I've learned my lesson."
Before You could react, Chika had already leaned in for another kiss. This one holding for a moment longer. You wanted to lose herself in the feeling, love, and compassion that was felt as their clumsy lips felt one another out. A kiss that meant so much, but You was sure was far from their last.