Hey ya'll! I was bored, so I wrote you guys a little crack!fic! I hope you enjoy! And facepalm!
Disclaimer: Avengers no mine.
Thor approached the mysterious object curiously. It didn't move. To him, it seemed like a frightened animal, so he began talking to it. "Hello, small creature. How dost thou fare on this fine day?" It seemed to turn in his direction and twitch a little. He took that as encouragement. "Have you seen my brother? He was looking for his helmet the other day. I am certain that he knows not where it is, yet he continually chases Brother Anthony about this tower, yelling for him to return it." Thor shook his head and sighed dramatically. "My brother's behavior is most unusual. Brother Clinton said that he was on his 'man period'. I am unfamiliar with the term. Mortal's words are very strange to me. For instance, I once witnessed a small human called 'Justin' yell the word 'swag' many times on the magic box. It is strange, yes?"
At that moment, Steve and Natasha walked in. They stopped short at the rather terrifying sight. Thor was crouched, eye level with the table, talking to (or at) an apple. Steve was the first to try and figure out what was going on. "Umm...Thor? Why are you talking to an apple?"
Thor jumped up. "Ah! So this creature is called 'apple' ! How interesting! Come, little apple, we shall go on a grand adventure together!" He picked up the apple carefully and summoned Mjolnir. He crashed out the window and flew off. Steve stared after him for a second, then ran in the opposite direction. Coulson had just moonwalked into the room.
Steve was understandably scared.
Natasha facepalmed. "I can't do this." She retreated to her room.
Tony was nursing some scotch and a hangover when Steve came running in. The super soldier looked scared out of his mind. "Whatcha here for, babe?" Tony slurred. "'Cause if it's alcohol, you'll have to go get your own."
Steve was trembling in fear. "What is going on?!" The super soldier ran to Clint's room.
When he got there, all he found was the cover of an air vent lying on the ground. Light snoring echoed from somewhere in the labyrinth of air ducts through the tower. There was no freakin' way that he was going to be able to find Clint in there. So he ran down to Bruce's lab next.
"Bruce! Bruce!" Steve was beginning to hyperventilate. "Everyone's gone crazy! You need to fix this!" Bruce muttered something and took some more notes. Steve tried poking him. The scientist was adding a drop of this into a beaker of that. His arm jerked when Steve poked it, and he accidentally added too much of whatever was in the dropper to the beaker. The chemicals fizzed and froth exploded out of the beaker, bubbles drifting out of the mess. Bruce blinked a few times, the collapsed onto the ground, asleep. In panic, Steve inhaled some of the fumes from the mix, then promptly fell on top of the scientist, knocked out by whatever it was.
Just to be clear, 'whatever it was' was actually 83.25% liquid chloroform.
Lorelei stepped out of the helicopter, sighing happily. "Vacation was nice, but there's no place like home." She began dragging her single suitcase to her room. A soon as she had set it down, Natasha ambushed her.
"I need your help," the spy hissed.
"Um, sure?" She followed the Black Widow back to her room. The problem was obvious. Clint's feet were hanging out of the air vent, where he'd fallen asleep.
"He's been here for an hour, and it's getting really stuffy."
"Why don't you just go somewhere else until he wakes up?"
Natasha shook her head. "It's dangerous outside right now."
"What do you mean, dangerous?" In response, the Russian led her outside. Tony was dancing around drunkenly in the common room. Coulson was asleep, curled up on the kitchen table with a picture of Steve clutched in his hands. The window was smashed, and alcohol bottles lay everywhere. Steve and Bruce were missing. And Clint was still asleep in the air vents. "Okay. Dangerous." Natasha gave her a 'duh' look. "One second..." Lorelei called SHIELD headquarters.
"Hello? Fury? Yes, I'm calling from Stark Towers...no, we're not being attacked...no, we haven't killed Tony...yet...yeah, anyway, I need you to come pick up your Coulson." She paused. "Yes, he's asleep on the table...yes, he's got a picture of Captain America...wait how did you know? He's done this before? Okay, that's just weird...no, you can come through the window, I think Thor smashed it." Confusion crossed her face. "Um, yeah, I can put a fog machine near the window...okay, thanks, bye." Lorelei shook her head. "Do you know where I can get a fog machine?"
Natasha shrugged. "Ask Jarvis."
The AI's accent sounded through the room, "If you can wait just a moment, Miss Lorelei, I shall fetch one for you."
"Thanks, Jarvis."
A drone came humming into the room, toting a fog machine. "It is my pleasure."
Lorelei tucked the fog machine under on arm. "Let's go get this set up." She and Natasha stepped stealthily through the living room, careful not to disturb Tony or Coulson. Between the two of them, the fog machine was up and running in moments. As the false fog spilled across the floor and billowed through the air, a hoverbike pulled up outside the smashed window.
Fury suddenly swung in, screaming "I'M BATMAN!" at the top of his lungs. Coulson didn't even twitch.
Tony stumbled across the room to poke Fury's eyepatch. "Guys...guys. *hic* It's the really, REALLY dark *hic* knight," he managed to slur before collapsing on the ground. Fury marched right over the billionaire and prodded at Coulson, who didn't budge.
Suddenly, in an amazing feat of bravery, oh, whoops. Wrong story. I mean, Fury snatched the photo of Steve from Coulson's sleeping grasp. Well, to be honest, that is kind of an amazing feat of bravery. Huh. Anyway, Coulson snapped awake and jumped after Fury, foaming at the mouth. Fury slowly lured Coulson back to the window, then onto the hoverbike. Once the man was firmly on the flying vehicle, Fury gave him back the picture, which made him go back to sleep, drooling all over Fury's fabulous black leather trench coat. Well, damn. The two flew off, presumably back to the Helicarrier.
Presumably.
Tony woke up slowly, just in time to see the two agents fly off into the sunset, even though it was still noon. Shut up. I'm the author, I do what I want.
Anyway, the billionaire got to his (unsteady) feet and stared at the glorious eye candy that is Natasha in a catsuit. The spy swatted him upside the head. Trying to prevent permanent harm to the world's dumbest genius, Lorelei turned him around. "Let's take him to Bruce. Maybe he can fix...this." Natasha shrugged and followed her, pushing Tony along in front.
When they walked in, Tony let out a piercing wail and ran over to where Steve and Tony were asleep in a pile. He fell to his knees. "NOOOOOO! How could you do this to me?" At the man-shriek, both men awakened and stood up.
"Wha-what happened?"
"What's going on?"
Meanwhile, Tony was still screaming. "WHYYYYYY? AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!"
Bruce just looked confused, even more so when Tony started waving his arms in the air. "What are you talking about?"
"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! WHY, STEVE, WHY?!" Tony wailed. At this point, Tony had latched on to Steve's left leg. Suddenly, Loki came storming in.
"Cease this infernal caterwauling!" With a flash of green light, the Avengers were all transported back to the living room. Satisfied, the trickster stalked back to his room.
In the living room, Tony continued to sob, wail, and cling to Steve's leg. Just as the super soldier began to despair, a rumbling of thunder in an otherwise clear sky caught everyone's attention. Well, except Tony's. He was...otherwise occupied. Yep.
Anyway, Thor crashed through the window again, in a different spot from where he'd left. He was still cradling the little apple. "Hello, my brothers and sisters! I have returned!"
Tony looked up. "...Is that an apple?" he questioned.
"Yes, it is, Brother Anthony! A wonderful little creature, is it not?" Thor held the fruit out to Tony. The billionaire jumped up suddenly and snatched the apple from Thor.
Then he took a bite out of it.
"..thish ish a good apple," Tony said, between bites.
Thor fell to his knees. "WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? THE APPLE WAS INNOCENT!"
Tony pulled a PopTart out of nowhere and gave it to the grieving thunder god. "Mmmf."
Thor happily accepted the treat and began munching on it. Everyone else facepalmed in unison.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Hope you enjoyed. If you did, you may have a problem and I suggest you talk to your overpaid therapist. XD
Reviews appreciated!