(Wrote this in a hurry and I should be sleeping so most probably this is just shit. Forgive the mistakes!)
June 1888.
"Now, you remember everything I said earlier, don't you poppet?" Martha asked Cora one more time as they entered the grandest of balls Cora had ever attended. Everything and everyone around her were stunning.
Cora felt nervous, it was her season. Her! And she was here in a country far away from home, among people she only ever heard about second handedly. Of course she was nervous. But she had a duty, she had to be at her best, like a proper English lady would have been. Mother had given her instructions several times.
"Yes, mother" she smiled at her nervously.
"No need to be nervous, darling. You look beautiful" Martha smiled proudly at her daughter.
Dressed in an off white, stunning dress, her hair tied up in a beautiful yet very complicated bun, her blue eyes shining and contrasting perfectly with her porcelain skin. And oh, when she smiled, Martha could visibly feel hearts pausing as they took in her beauty in awe. Cora had no idea how beautiful she was, she had always been so down to earth.
Cora bit her bottom lip "But..I'm not English. Nobody would like me because I'm an American"
"A loaded American, there's a difference" Martha raised her eyebrows.
Cora sighed. To Mother it was all about money. She had told Cora to not even think that she's going to find a prince charming and have a happily ever after. She would have a good, reasonable after, with money and a respectable title, with an heir of her and her husband. But that can't be all, can it? What about…what about love? What about friendship, what about two people wanting each other just because they can't live without the other? It can't all be fictional, right?
Cora sighed again and smiled as some english girls passed by her. None of them bothered to smile back, Cora was used to it, she had been in England for over three months now and somehow everyone kept their distance which Cora found very unsettling. If she were to live here - forever, she would want to have friends. Why does nobody want to be her friend? She was a nice enough person. Cora observed a few girls as her eyes roamed around the beautiful ball room until they stopped at a figure who seem to be staring right back at her.
God.
She had never seen him before but oh, how she was glad she had now. That man smiled and nodded at her gracefully and she felt her breath hitch. Even at such a distance, she could see his pale blue eyes, he had this adorable smile, his hair was black or really dark brown, she couldn't tell, he was tall, really tall but Cora was tall too, she wondered how she would look standing next to him.
The mystery man smiled again and she felt herself blush.
Don't make a fool of yourself, Cora, she mentally scold herself.
No fairy tales. No prince charming.
She could see from the corner of her eye that he was talking to another man, they were similar in some ways. Maybe they were related.
Martha distracted her and involved her in talking to the hostess, Lady Canarvan, occasionally Cora would carefully, very carefully, look at that handsome man from the corner of her eye, that is until she saw him walk towards her.
Cora's heart beat raced, he was coming to meet her. Cora felt tingles, it was stupid really, she didn't even know him. Why was she behaving like this? Get it together, Cora. Get it..
" " The handsome man spoke in his stunning accent and Cora could feel her heart thumping. She lowered her eyes as Martha's attention diverted to the handsome fellow.
Martha smiled at the man.
"I am Robert Crawley, Viscount Downton" he nodded his head in respect. Martha smiled, oh, Cora knew that smile, mother had definitely made inquiries of every eligible bachelor and by the look on her face, he was included in the list of her suitors for Cora.
Cora didn't care about anything at the moment, this Robert Crawley was enough to make her knees weak. He wasn't terribly handsome, but something about him made Cora's heart jump out of her chest.
No fairytales, no fairytales, Cora..
"Miss Levinson" he said and finally Cora looked at him. Their blue eyes met and Cora's heart stopped for a moment. She could see the same affect on him, the thought that pleased her endlessly.
Robert extended his hand as the musicians hit another note to a new waltz. Cora had heard about this one, but never waltzes to it.
"May I have the honour of this dance?" Robert asked her and she could feel her heart explode.
She lowered her eyes, hiding her blue orbs behind her thick lashes.
"Lord Downton, I would be honoured" she replied and mimicked the grin on his face and he lead her to the dance floor. The music started and she felt so natural in his arms.
"Do you know this one?" Robert asked her.
"I don't really, I've never danced to it" Cora was having trouble concentrating as her nostrils filled with the cologne he was wearing.
"It's called.." He said and she looked up at him. Blue met blue once again and she felt that time had stopped.
"It's called The Sleeping Beauty waltz" he replied. His emphasis on beauty was clear that he was complimenting her. Cora felt herself blush.
"It sounds lovely" she smiled and he chuckled at her and so they danced. She felt so right in his arms. As in novels, they say, she felt like she was home.
April 1926
Mary sighed as she looked up at her mother from across the ballroom.
"What is it, darling?" Henry asked as he offered her a glass.
"Well at least she is trying" Mary replied sadly.
This time Henry sighed "Darling, give her time. At least she's wearing colors again, at least she's out of the house. One step at a time, yeah?" He kissed her temple.
"I know and I understand, I've been in her position too but it's been over a year"
Mary closed her eyes. She saw it again, that awful night came back to her mind's eye and her heart ripped. How her darling Papa's ulcer had burst and how the last thing he said was that he loved her mother. They couldn't save him. He had died soon after his operation, a lot of blood was lost and they couldn't save him.
Henry rubbed his hand up and down her arm " Give her time" Mary looked at him and nodded and he lead her to the dance floor.
She lost Robert.
Cora seemed to have lost herself too. She tried her best but the lost look in her eyes was enough to give her away. She was struggling, she didn't know how to function without Robert. She had lost her heart, her strength, her best friend, her husband, her everything really. She existed now but didn't live. This was the first function she had attended since his death. She wore black most of the time, it was only two months ago that her daughters had convinced her to wear colours. She was hesitant and never bothered to look in the mirror or look what Baxter put out for her,but for her daughters she did.
She kept herself lock in her room most of the time. She looked like a ghost, wandering aimlessly around the grounds, with her eyes losing their color and her face losing its natural glow. With Robert gone she had lost herself as well. She just existed now. For her children, that was it.
She didn't want to come today, she didn't want to talk or mingle but when two nights ago Edith had come from Brancaster and begged her to go, to….try, she accepted.
And to be honest, this made her feel a bit lighter. All other women kept her busy in harmless chatter for which she was grateful. Lady Anwell mimicked her late mother-in-law and Cora couldn't help her laughter.
This. This was refreshing. She glanced across the room as she spotted Henry and Mary laughing and dancing on the dance floor. All these new songs, jazz they called the type of music, was all too fast for her, she didn't dislike it but didn't like it very much either.
"Would you like another glass?" Lady Amelia asked her.
"If it isn't a bother.."
"Of course not, I'll be right back" Cora smiled as she saw her walk away.
Cora sighed, she still felt nervous and wrong in many ways to be out like this but she was here for her children and now she was somewhat glad that she had. At least she would have a few moments without her brain eating on her heart. At least she would have a few moments where she didn't want to take out her heart and squeeze the life out of it. She missed him so much, her darling Robert, her life, her everything. Cora felt the panic again and she took two deep breaths to calm herself.
"Breath, breath" she told herself. She had had those panic attacks numerous times. They would happens anytime, anywhere without any warning and all she felt was suffocation, the reality hit her in so many ways so painfully simultaneously that she had trouble catching her breath.
"Here you go" Lady Amelia handed her, her glass and she was glad that she was back. When people were around her,it was easier to remain sane.
"Thank you" she replied and took a sip. She heard a round of applause as the dance ended and another one began.
The couples rearranged themselves and the music started.
The champagne in her mouth suddenly tasted bitter as she heard it.
She saw as Mary and Henry stopped in their steps looking at her with so much concern. They knew it.
The Sleeping Beauty waltz.
She saw as the other couples hit the floor, her mind spin and her knees went weak.
There's no such thing as fairytales.
She heard her mother say.
Robert Crawley, Viscount Downton.
She heard him again.
It's called the Sleeping Beauty Waltz
She heard him.
I do.
She heard her younger self speak.
Just know I have loved you very, very much.
She heard him say and the cold glass from her hand dropped and crashed on the floor.
Suffocation. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't…
She ran outside, she ran towards the gardens. She ran and ran until her feet gave up.
Robert is dead. Robert is dead. Robert is dead!
The thought came all the way back to her in all directions and she felt dizzy. She took off her shoes and ran again, away from it all. Away from…the song.
She runs, she gasps for air and then stops, out of breath. She rests her hands on her knees, standing and taking deep breaths but she could still hear it, she could still bloody hear it so she covers her ears but the voice didn't go away and it mocking her. Crushing her heart with every note. She puts her hand harder on her ears as they go red pressing them and then she just can't.
She can't do it.
She lost him, oh, God.
She breaks down, she let her arms fall down and she stops blocking the song, giving up. She was surprised that the pain hadn't killed her as well.
The sound of the music plays softly in the distance. She felt pain. She felt numb. She felt nothing. She felt so much.
And then she hears it, "May I have the honour of this dance, Miss Levinson?"
She could hear him as if he was standing next to her. She remembers the way he came and asked, she closes her eyes and see him extending his hand and in that moment all she wanted was to be swayed in his strong arms, to feel his warmth and to gaze into his eyes and mimick his grin. Like she did the first time.
That's all she wanted. She wanted to be there. In her home. His arms were her true home.
Fairytales were true. Their love was a fairytale.
No, novels weren't all fictional. His arms were her real home.
But now, all she could feel was the cold wind hugging her. Taunting her, making her shiver, reminidng her how her home had been snatched away from her. She was homeless. She was alone. She was half. She was nothing.
Cora is nothing without Robert.
Well, this is what happens when you have a billion things to do and then have a vision so you just can't help yourself.
The Sleeping Beauty Waltz is considered their first dance among the fandom, I think it was granthamfan that started it all and I absolutely love the idea of it.