Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent or any of the characters

It's not until I see her, coming down the passageway with some of the other transfers, that I realise that I am actually watching – waiting - for her. Simultaneously something in me relaxes – I am surprised my anxiety when she's out of my sight - while something else goes into high alert – like her very presence sends a current through every nerve. Somewhere along the way I've become attuned to her - hyper-aware of all the details of her – the sound of her voice, the light in her hair, the grace in her walk. Without thinking I move to intercept her – she stops as I call out her name and turns those amazing eyes on mine. God, I really hadn't though this through – I should have figured out whatI wanted to say before I acted. It was a reflex though – maybe I needed her to notice me too. When did I get so needy? I have to get a grip - I guess I've had more to drink than I'd thought.

'You look different.' Not exactly razor sharp, but I say something to break the silence that seems to grow between us like the chasm.

'So do you.' Was that good or bad? Did she just glance at the beer in my hand? Great - I must look more drunk than I'd hoped. That can't be good - way to go, Four! 'What are you doing?'

'Flirting with death. Drinking near the chasm. Probably not a good idea.' She looks uncomfortable - I guess I'm freaking her out a bit. Why do I think I can approach her like we're friends or something? I've done nothing but intimidate – and even hurt – her since day one. I decide to go for casual, and laugh it off. All I want to do is kiss her though, and I feel like I've blown it. I know that nothing can happen between us while she's still in initiation, and every day I probably make her hate me just a bit more.

'No, it isn't.'

Her shirt is more revealing than anything she wears in training, and a million miles from Abnegation modesty. My eyes involuntarily trace the neckline as it skims the gentle curve of her breasts. I have to hold it together - Zeke and the guys aren't paying any attention, but the other initiates have stopped and Christina is way too curious. I buy myself a second to think by taking a pull from my drink. I decide to go for casual, but I'm not sure I'm pulling it off.

'Didn't know you had a tattoo. Right, the crows.' She just looks at me like I'm an idiot. 'I'd ask you to hang out with us, but you're not really supposed to see me this way.'

'What way? Drunk?'

'Yeah - well no.' I don't want to bullshit her. 'Real, I guess.'

'I'll pretend I didn't.' What does that mean? She'll pretend she didn't see me, or that she didn't notice I'm drunk, or even – and this is where I know I'm becoming delusional – that she wants to hang out and will lie about it.

The sane, functioning part of my intellect clamours for attention over the liquor and desire. You're her trainer, idio,t and this isn't exactly a private conversation. Every attention you give her puts her at risk. Don't give Eric – anyone – a reason to suspects there's something going on. Besides, getting groped by some jerk who tries to scare the crap out of her on a daily basis probably isn't her idea of fun. For both our sakes, I decide to infer that she'll keep quiet about seeing me drunk.

'Nice of you.'

I know I should stop trying to engage her, should let her go back to her friends, but my mind is replaying all the times I've touched her – pulling her down from the net, sensing her movement under my hand when I correct her posture, or feeling her skin beneath mine as I adjust her grip on a weapon. All I want to do is touch her now – push her hair away from her eyes, trace her neckline with my fingers instead of just my eyes. My self-control is definitely alcohol-impaired, and I'm going to do something really stupid if I don't start thinking! But I'm too engrossed in her just to step away.

I lean in and whisper 'You look good, Tris.' I breathe her in and it's all I can do to step back without placing a kiss on the smooth, warm skin of her neck, tasting her. Is it my imagination or did her breathing check? I look into her eyes for a reaction, but I must have imagined it – she just laughs at me. 'Do me a favour and stay away from the chasm, okay?'

If only she knew, the abyss of rock and water beside us isn't the only chasm I'm standing at the edge of. I give her a playful wink, but maybe it comes off as a leer. 'Of Course.'

I finally manage to tear myself away and turn back to the guys. She must have remained standing there - one of them tries to get her attention. By the time I turn around to see, Al has boosted her over his shoulder and runs down the passage. I should be thanking him, but I could really grow to hate that guy. Wow, jealous? I hadn't seen that coming.

I hear her shriek with laughter and she sees me turn and waves at me as they disappear into the crowd. I'm conflicted - I know that clear boundaries between us will keep her safer, but I don't trust anyone else to protect her the way I can – or to give her the skills to protect herself. I'm honest enough to admit that I don't just want her to be safe, I want to be the one who makes sure of it. And I want to be the one holding her while she laughs. I need to be patient, but I also know that strong bonds form between initiates and I might have already missed my chance. She's the only thing that can keep me in Dauntless, but I can't stand the thought of being near to her, and never being with her.

One thing I do know – for the rest of her initiation, I need a clear head. I need to be ready.