Resident Evil: Sex Tips (a loving rip-off of twelthofadime's YouTube vid)

Cast:

Leon Kennedy as Kyle

Chris Redfield as Charlie

Steve Burnside as Baxter

Ben as…well, Ben.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Leon Kennedy immediately sat up from his horizontal position in his bed, a happily shocked expression on his face, the noise of "DUUUURRRR!" emanating from his mouth. In the bed on the other side of the room, Ben woke up with his version of a "happy shock" expression, letting his thumb droop from its original position in his mouth, his teddy bear fall from his other arm to the floor.

Leon then turned to Ben with excitement in his voice as he realized what day it was. "It's Saturday! You know what that means, Ben?"

Ben did indeed know as he answered, "It's time to go out and shamelessly have sex with lots of girls." Almost before he was done saying it, the cat-eyed Steve Burnside cracked open the door, already dressed for the day in his short-sleeved jacket, his dark-yellow shirt, and his camo pants. He had yet to get his boots on, however. He also knew what Saturday meant for their little posse as he asked with anticipation, "Hey, are we gonna go put our bing-bongs in a wigwam?"

"That's right!" Leon's affirmatory answer was later punctuated with a slurping noise and the loud clacking of his teeth. He and Ben then got out of their beds and went into their closets to get their appropriate clothing…

LATER THAT NIGHT…

Leon was now impeccably dressed in his bomber jacket, his 5.11 shirt, and his black pants, the alluring smell of cologne emanating from him. On his left side was Steve, his cat eyes from the Rebirth Virus glinting in the moonlight, wanting to draw any girls that might've crossed their path. His personal aroma was that of AXE Dark Temptation. Meanwhile, Ben was dressed in a white collared shirt, dressed pants, and aviator shades. He, however, was crouched down on Leon's right side, motioning his fist back and forth in front of his mouth, making weird noises as he did so.

Steve looked down at Ben and leaned in, wondering, "Ben! What are you doing!"

Ben got back to his full standing position, answering, "I'm showing the women what I want from them", as if it was so obvious to the two other men. But as he answered, he didn't seem to take notice of Leon reaching to grab him by his shirt front. When Ben realized this, he was already choking slightly as Leon pulled. "Give me a reason not to kill you! Steve, give him the other jacket."

"Uh, I don't want to wear the jacket", Ben disagreed. Both Leon and Steve looked him up and down, as Steve replied, "Well, you need to look as pristine as we do", lightly pulling at his unzipped jacket for emphasis.

But Ben still didn't agree with them, saying, "I don't think the jacket's going to work with the women."

Leon, now sick and tired of Ben's antics, raised his hands to the sky and crying in a ridiculous voice "TIIIIIIIMME LAPPPPPSSSSSSSE!" As he did so, the 3 seemed to fade for a second, only to reappear in full form..as if it was nothing but a dream. But there was one difference: Ben was wearing a blue windbreaker that seemed to accentuate whatever attractiveness he had…if he even had any.

Leon slapped him on the back in a brotherly manner, saying, "There ya go! You cleaned up real nice, just like the Unabomber, there, buddy!"

"Yeah, before he went crazy, right?" Ben reacted through gritted teeth. "I do not feel happy."

Steve could tell the stress in Ben's voice, so he explained to Ben, "That's part of being sexy, is that you've got to feel unhappy and un-sexy."

"Precisely", Leon accentuated with a pointed finger, but all traces of what they talked about disappeared as Leon looked forward and gasped, grabbing his two friends by the shoulders. "Oh, crap, guys, there's a girl!" All three of them looked with shock as they saw a young blonde woman, dressed in a one-piece V-cut red dress, walking toward them. She was very attractive, with curves in all the right places, a face that could put a fashion model to shame in the right light, and a quite beautiful voice that didn't remain that way whenever she yelled or scolded.

All of this flashed through the three manly minds in an instant as Leon continued, "I've lost all powers of speech without controlling my optic movements! Someone do something!" But Leon, or even Steve, seemed to be the last guys the girl paid attention to. As her gaze turned to Ben, they could now see that she was talking to someone on her cell phone, as she finished, "Oh my God…that is the coolest jacket I've ever seen on a blind guy!" Ben knew somehow that she was referring to him, and he took some indignation that she called him blind. But the shock more than covered him as she finally ended her call with "I've got to call you back." She hung up her phone as she looked over the three 'men' that she'd come across.
"I want to poop on you", Ben stated in shock.

"I want to touch your hair with a fork", Steve countered, also in shock

"Those are both totally inappropriate responses", Leon half-scolded, slightly recovering from the shock. Then he put himself forward and complimented to the woman, "Uh…I like your hair; it smells like Viva la Cion!" At the last, he looked back to Steve and Ben whispering, "Did it work?" His question was answered by Steve's not-so-assertive " I think it did!"

However, the young blonde confirmed their suspicions when she said, "Alright, that's my favorite line…but you guys have to impress me." The 3 guys then got their act back together as Leon stated affirmatively, "OK, guys, we got her attention; now let's impress her. On three: one, two, three…" After the three, they all did varying ridiculousness: Leon stomped his foot on the ground, making demented dog noises, while Ben crouched down and did what he was doing when the night started, pointing to the woman with his other hand as he did so. Only Steve seemed to have any idea of smooth rhythm, as he danced in a seductive way, never taking his eyes off the woman. Then, after about eight seconds of this, Leon finally struck a pose, arms outstretched, as he finished his noise with a cat's meow. Steve also hoad his outstretched, but to the sky and ground, his 'smexy' look still on his face. Ben, however, went into almost a Michael Jackson-esque pose, hitching his thumbs into the belt loops beside his pants zipper.

Yet somehow, these ridiculous poses seemed to satisfy the somewhat beautiful blond woman, as a sensual smile came to her face, the words pouring out of the smile with the same feeling…"Alright, guys…let's go somewhere special." She then turned around and walked down the sidewalk, letting her hips swing as she did so. As they followed and watched, Steve got up the nerve to dig his cell phone and make a call: "Chris, we're about to have sex. Get here now."

Eventually, they went around to the back corner of what seemed to be an old nightclub, the white walls seeming to shine from the light that struck it. The woman –can you guess who she is?- stood facing the corner as Leon staggered over to it, messing with his belt in the process. Steve and Ben then followed, gathering beside the two as another human form walked to join them. This form turned out to be none other than Chris Redfield, dressed much like Ben, but with a blue tie instead of a windbreaker. He then struck up light conversation with Steve as the woman asked, "So did you bring the chicken?"

Leon then turned to Ben, wondering, "Well, did you?"
"I told you! You said I was stupid for doing that!" Ben's retort was seemingly shut down as Leon fired back, "Oh, you idiot! You and your livestock!"

But their reverie was broken as Steve said to Leon, "Chris's here. We just called him." Chris then gave a brotherly wave to Leon, then began bobbing his head and popping his neck, replying, "I'm ready to lay some pipe." This garnered nothing more than an "Alright" from Leon, but Ben was already pumped, declaring, "Now let's bang."

"Okay, you know what?" The young woman's angry request was reinforced as she pulled out what looked like a Glock 18 from her dress's waistband. At the sight of this, Leon's eyes widened, Steve dressed his face with a look of bewilderment, Chris lightly rubbed his neck with a sickened look, and Ben shot his arms toward the sky, an almost girlish scream coming from his mouth.

"Alright, I don't want sex", the young woman stated, adding a hint of disgust at the last word. But she wasn't done, as she whined on, "I want commitment, someone to hold me when they cancel my favorite shows, or rub my feet when they hurt…I want my commitment and a monogamous relationship!"

At the word 'monogamous', the men in the group all stopped what they were doing, confused looks all around?

"M-mono…ga-fo…M-Megan Fox?"

"Oh dude, she's attractive—" Yeah, she's in that movie with the robots…"

"Oh yeah! They become men, then women, then sports cars…

"Yeah, and explosions and Megan Fox that makes up for narrative?"

At this, the girl broke down and covered her face with her hands. Steve put a comforting hand on her shoulders, saying, "Don't worry, you're just as pretty as she is…but you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling!" The woman took note of the suddenly evil tone in his voice, and she lifted her head up to notice that he'd pulled an MP5 machine gun from under his jacket and given it to Leon, who was now wielding it in the girl's direction.

"Alright", Leon demanded, "you want a relationship? Give us some sex, missy!"

"Fine", the woman fired back. "One of you needs to commit to me first!" At this, the 4 men turned into their own group to rock-paper-scissors it out. "Rock, paper, scissors, Ben!" 3 of them concluded, all pointing to Ben. "What? I always lose that game!"

"Get over there, shitbag!" Leon demanded.

"Yeah, live long and prosper, moron…NOT!" Chris retorted.
The woman looked Ben over, saying, "Alright, you look like someone I could tell what to do."

"That is not true!" Ben exclaimed

"Get over here!"

"Ok." And Ben moved to stand beside the girl, but before he could fully get there, Steve put an arm out blocking them from each other. "Time out, Mrs. Whore! We need proof that we had sexual intercourse with each others' dick-ginas!"

"Yeah!" Leon agreed. "We want pictures! Of your boobs! And they'd better be symmetrical boobs too!"

"Fine!" And with that, the woman pulled out a short stack of pictures from…"Did you…pull those out of your ass?" Steve inquired.

"Maybe", the woman fired back sarcastically. But Ben was none too pleased with this outcome.

"Well, that's just great; naked pictures for you guys, but Ben's got to be in a stupid relationship. But you know something? I learned a thing or two about sex and relationships and it is the follow—"

"They're fake!" Chris exclaimed. And almost before the words left his mouth, the small gathering exploded: Leon and the girl let loose with their guns as Chris and Steve hit the pavement, Ben caught in the middle of the weapons. As a result, he took the brunt of most of the rounds that went off. Then, finally…

"I'm…rats, out of bullets", Leon sighed tiredly.

"Damn it! I can't have a relationship with a dead guy!" the girl whined to Leon as Chris and Steve slowly stood up. But Leon put an arm out to stop them from moving further, yelling, "WAIT! He's saying something!"

With his almost overdramatic dying heaves, Ben cried out, "Don't you see, guys? Society puts unfair pressures on men to be horn-dogs and for women to be 'monogamanous'—can't we all just bang along?" And with that, he finally gave out for the last time. The dramatic, moralistic speech hung in the air for a few seconds…but was quickly disregarded by everyone standing around him.

"Eh, it's just nonsense again", Leon stated. Chris began to chuckle at this, saying, "Yep, I think he's got a… a priaprism. "
"Yeah…" Leon said in light agreement. "I think that's a learning disability, isn't it?" Then, he said to the whole of the rest of the group, "Alright, let's just agree that we had a brief sexual encounter and it resulted in murder." In agreement, they all put one fist in the middle of their circle, then let them fly off to the sky.

"Whoo! Alright, let's leave our weapons and get out of here", Steve said. They all began to head separate ways, Chris emphatically waving the pictures with "I'm keepin' these. These are good!"

But the young blonde woman and Steve stopped in their tracks, her hands grabbing onto his with tenderness…and wanting. "Alright, we can have sex…if we cuddle first."

Then Steve saw that an almost overlarge lump was growing in the front of his pants, and he heard a soft, high-pitched, Italian-accented voice say, "I've won! Is me, your boner!" At this, Steve giggled almost like a little kid, anticipating what laid ahead…